A/N Please read the full disclosures in Chapter One.
EIGHT MILLION WAYS TO DIE
Stepping completely into the room, Harry brought himself upright in front of the picture of Albus Dumbledore, which had been hung in Headmistress McGonagall's office since the headmaster had died at the end of his sixth year. Like many of the portraits of former headmasters (and mistresses), it contained a glamor of Albus Dumbledore, that existed to offer support and guidance to the current Hogwarts headmaster. Although Harry had gotten used to talking portraits - after all, the picture of Phineas Nigellus had been moved from Grimmauld Place to his current flat that he shared with Hermione Granger, in the event he needed to contact someone at Hogwarts urgently - but his personal relationship with the Headmaster always made his heart leap into his throat when he faced the picture.
"Hello, Headmaster," Harry said quietly.
"Really, Harry, you can just call me Albus," the portrait replied, merrily. "Lemon drop? Oh, I quite forget that Minerva is not as fond of them as I was. I think you'll find some Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans on her desk, though as you may recall, I never seemed to get ones I quite enjoyed."
"Yes, Headmaster," Harry, said, quietly again. Waves of sorrow hit him every time he saw the painting, even though he was pretty much over most of the events of the defeat of Voldemort.
"Now, Albus, don't patronize Mr. Potter, and you really should ask before you give away my candy," came a familiar Scotch voice as McGonagall walked up to Harry. Behind her was Professor Vector. Harry began to vaguely remember her from many Hogwarts banquets, though he had never really gotten to know the arithmancy and ancient runes professor.
"Good day, Headmistress, Professor," said Harry. "I appreciate your seeing me on such short notice."
"Nonsense, Mr. Potter," Ms. Vector said. "Always a pleasure. Particularly for one who has the opportunity you are going to have."
"Please, let's all sit down," McGonagall said. "Would you care for tea, Harry?"
"Please," said Harry and she waved her hand. A tea set and biscuits appeared. From behind them, Dumbledore coughed gently.
"Yes, Albus?" she said softly.
"Just a quick word, and then I'll be off to visit another painting, Minerva. I think it will be easier if I am not here while you are talking to Harry. Of course, should you need me, you only need call," Dumbledore said.
"Really, headmaster, I think you can stay," Harry said.
"No, Harry, I think it is better you listen to Minerva and Ms. Vector now," Dumbledore said. "My own experiences on Discworld might prejudice your views, and I think you need to see clearly with your own eyes right now. I wish I could offer you better counsel, but of course, I am quite dead, and you are only talking to an image with a limited facility for advice. Good day. I am sure I will see you before you leave," and with that he strolled out past the frame whistling.
"I wonder where he goes," Harry said aloud.
"Albus claims to have seven portraits in total, though I know of only six of them, including this one," Minerva said. "Regardless, Harry, our time is short given what we need to cover. We should begin immediately. Professor Vector?"
The arithmancy professor had been quietly waiting for her cue, and took it at once.
"Harry, before you came to Hogwarts, what kind of a student were you in muggle mathematics?" she asked.
"Well, just average, I guess," Harry replied.
"No calculus? Matrix or combinatrics? All of these should be covered in most muggle curriculums," Vector said.
"No, I never got there," Harry said. "Geometry, algebra, some trig, that was it."
"I see," she said, her face a mask. "Have you ever read about chaos theory or quantum mechanics?"
"Umm … I think Hermione's talked about it once," Harry replied.
"Right," she said. "What do you know of Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity?"
"That's … that's … E=MC2, I think," Harry said. "Energy equals matter times the speed of light, squared."
"Excellent, Mr. Potter! What does that mean in plain English?" Vector beamed.
"Err … I've got no idea," Harry said, miserably. His two former professors must have been very disappointed in him. He felt horrible. Why couldn't they have sent Hermione instead, he thought.
Then an even worse thought ran through his head: If I need to know all this, I'll never be an Auror.
McGonagall, however, was smiling. "I told you he'd be perfect," she said.
"Flawless," agreed Vector.
Harry blinked. "Excuse me?" You mean I'm not in trouble for not knowing something, for once he thought.
"We are pleased, Harry, that you come to us pure and unbesmirched with prejudicial thoughts on how science works," McGonagall said, sipping her tea. "That will make this much easier."
"Indeed," Vector said. "We had to unlearn quite a bit of Hermione's knowledge before we could do anything with her," the professor said, smiling.
"Let me begin, Harry, by explaining a bit about where we are," McGonagall said. "Right now, we are on planet Earth, which is the third planet from the largest yellow star in our particular galaxy. So far as we know, there is no other planet in our particular galaxy which can support carbon-based bipedal life forms, which is what we are. Muggle scientists believe that our planet has been in existence for about four and a half billion years, and that we humans have existed for about 20,000 years on this planet.
"Within that system - an understanding that I must say I agree with completely - our universe obeys certain laws and rules. These laws include gravitational force, the speed of light and sound, and so on. The way in which the universe behaves is described by a set of rules that is known in the muggle world as physics, and in the wizarding world as Arithmancy."
"Okay," Harry said.
"Virtually as far as most of our advanced magical research has shown," Vector continued, "arithmancy - that is, the rules of the spells of magic - works in absolute lockstep with the notions of physics.
"Oh, yes, you can levitate an object for example with the wingardium leviosa spell," and here she took out her wand and floated her tea cup above the desk, "but in fact, the teacup is still obeying the laws of physics. It is flying in a low-earth orbit, propelled by the force of magic, which in this case is being transmitted via my wand. Were I in a muggle spaceship, propelled by liquid hydrogen, the concept would be no different at all."
"So magic and physics are the same thing, then?" Harry asked.
"It would be more accurate to say that in using magic, you are still bound by the laws of physics," Vector said. "That's important here on Earth, because on the Discworld, where you are going, that is not the case.
"On Discworld, the laws we know and expect of physics - and of magic - are not the same. On Discworld, magic is more powerful than physics, and the over or under use of it can have dramatic changes in reality."
"Professor Vector, where exactly is Discworld? I have a map - it shows Ankh Morpork as a city on this Discworld - but it mentions something called A'tuin, and a constellation in Antibes," Harry asked.
McGonagall and Vector exchanged glances. Here was where the difficulty was going to begin.
"Harry, the Discworld is an entirely flat planet - shaped like a disc, or if you like, a pizza - that rests on the back of four elephants. The elephants in turn sit on the back of a turtle. The turtle's name is A'tuin, and he flies through space, currently projecting at a place we expect to find him near Antibes," Vector said.
"What … but, a turtle that could support a planet … how could a turtle …" Harry started laughing. "All right, you're having me on," he said. "I'm not quite that stupid. No turtle, no elephant, could survive in the vacuum of space, and of course, none could be large enough to support an entire world, even if it was squashed into a pancake."
He looked up to see if they were laughing at him. They weren't.
"I'm quite serious, Harry," Vector said, quietly. "According to the wizards of Discworld, our entire universe with its billions and billions of stars and planets and people has existed for less than three of their years, and is the byproduct of one of their experiments in magic."
Harry gaped, open-mouthed. The entire world … it couldn't be … what about the dinosaurs and all that? He had been a little weak in his earth sciences courses pre-Hogwarts, but what was the existence of the Discworld implying? Alternate realities? He had once heard Hermione talking about something called the `multiverse' instead of the `universe' but … he just couldn't understand. He stared at the biscuit in his hand. What was real?
"Harry, I know this is a lot to take in," McGonagall said. "For what it is worth, in the Ministry of Magic's Department of Mysteries we have a number of Unspeakable wizards who have concluded similar things about the Discworld that they have concluded about us. The current Ministry view is that Discworld has existed only for about 600 of our years, and was a byproduct of some of the excess magic used during the reign of the Asian leader Tamerlane during 1369.
"We don't know which truth to believe, and frankly, Harry, it is irrelevant. The fact is, our world exists, the Discworld exists, and we can travel between them. You will find that their world is much like ours, except that in terms of technology, they have progressed approximately to the late middle or early modern ages. Gunpowder is known in a limited form only. Electricity has not been harnessed. Steam power is known of, but has not yet been practically applied. The horse remains the main working animal for transportation and ploughing, the sword remains the primary weapon in battle, and copper coins the main medium of exchange."
Harry's head was reeling. "And there are wizards," he said finally.
"And there are wizards," Vector confirmed. "The vast majority of them live in an educational complex - quite different from Hogwarts" and Harry did not fail to notice her dismissive sniff "called the Unseen University.
"The main problem with the Discworld, Harry, is that there is too much magic," she continued. "So much so, that while magic is vital to the continuation of the existence of A'tuin, the elephants, and the disc, too much magic can send the disc over the edge into catastrophic shock. To balance out the fact that you are going to be there, for some time, we will be taking in one of their wizards here, to try and keep the balance, and of course to pool our knowledge and try to aid each other as much as practicable. Really, I must admit I am very grateful that you are going there for some training, as the opportunity for an extended visit by one of their wizards marks quite a unique event that I am most looking forward to," Vector concluded.
"So long as he doesn't eat us out of house and home," muttered McGonagall.
"Now, you need to know quite a few things about the rules of magic on Discworld, Harry," Vector continued. "The rules of magic are quite vital there. Accidental magic on Discworld is so inherently unstable that …" her voice trailed off.
"That what?" Harry asked.
"Well, I suppose it won't make much of a difference if you perform accidental magic on Discworld," Vector said.
"Because their Ministry of Magic can't detect it?" Harry asked.
"Because if you perform some accidental magic on the Discworld, your entire body will explode into about eight million particles simultaneously at the speed of light," Vector said, happily. "The resulting explosion would be about fifty or sixty times greater than that of the largest nuclear explosion in the history of Earth. You won't know the difference, of course, since you'll be too dead to care."
There was a long pause.
"I think you'd better tell me all the rules," Harry said, soberly.
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