A/N Please read the disclaimers in chapter one.
The wizard Rincewind was being helped to his feet unsteadily by Madam Pomfrey. Harry walked over to him.
"Are you all right?" Madam Pomfrey asked.
"I am in Hogwarts?" Rincewind answered.
"Yes, you're in Hogwarts," Madam Pomfrey replied.
"Well, since that's where they were sending me, that's right, I suppose," Rincewind said testily. "It doesn't make me feel any better."
"Are you sure that you are all right?" asked Harry. "It almost looked as if you had just …"
"Died?" Rincewind prompted the missing word.
"Yes," Harry said.
"No, sadly, I seem to be still alive," Rincewind said. "I did rather hope that death wouldn't be this painful."
"Are you hurting right now?" Madam Pomfrey asked. "I can give you a quick-relief draught which will take away much of the sensation of pain."
Rincewind looked dubious. "Maybe later," he said finally. He stretched himself, took a few awkward steps, and promptly threw up all over Professor Flitwick.
Rincewind sat down heavily on the Luggage.
"Scourgify," said McGonagall promptly, waving her wand and cleaning up Professor Flitwick. "I am sorry, Professor Rincewind, that you did not seem to travel very well. Still, I warmly welcome you to Hogwarts. I am Headmistress Minerva McGonagall."
"I am alive," Rincewind said. "I consider that traveling well. I had a bundle of flowers to offer to you, Headmistress, from our Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully, with his greetings. However, they seem even less disposed than I am."
"Never mind," Harry said quietly. Though he did not have his wand, he had learned to cast many spells both wordlessly and wandlessly as standard Auror practice. "Reparo," he muttered quietly, and the flowers crept back into bloom.
Minerva looked carefully at Rincewind and Harry. "It will be a short amount of time, I understand, before we can send Harry through," she said. "I understand you have a PortKey, Harry, but you must understand that to send you as far as Discworld it will require extra effort, that a PortKey cannot provide. Such events necessitate the use of the pentagram here. Why don't you and Professor Rincewind try and share as much information as you can together while we wait?"
This was conveyed not so much in a suggestion as a statement. The faculty emptied out of the Great Hall and left the two wizards looking at each other. Finally Rincewind broke the ice. "So you're Harry Potter," he said, glumly.
"Yes … how did you know?" Harry said, startled.
"Black hair, green eyes, scar on your forehead?" Rincewind said. "Oh, and the fact that I knew that I was here to swap places with you, and Headmistress McGonagall called you by name. And finally, because a young woman named Hermione Granger carries a picture of you, and she showed it to me last year."
Harry was completely taken aback by this. "You've met Hermione?"
"At the Discworld/Roundworld Conference on Alternative Magic a year or so back. Or was it three years back? I can't remember," Rincewind said. "Anyway, the conference was held at Stonehenge, but I had to come here via Hogwarts. This isn't my first visit to Earth, you know. I've been here four or five times, in my capacity as the Egregious Professor in Cruel and Unusual Geography at Unseen University, in Ankh-Morpork."
He neglected to add the "unpaid" part, or the fact that he was also the fretwork instructor, investigator of slood dynamics, or the inheritor of other titles that Ridcully had not been able to find any other full-time faculty to keep permanently. Or at least not through breakfast the next morning.
"So do you know what you're getting into?" Rincewind asked.
"I suppose not," Harry said. "Everyone seems to be careful to tell me absolutely nothing."
For the first time, something resembling a smile hovered over Rincewind's face. "Story of my life," the Discworld native said.
"Mine, too," Harry said.
Rincewind cocked his head at an angle and remembered a trip he had taken to Four Ecks. "Don't have any relatives in Four … in Australia, would you?"
"Not that I know of," Harry said.
"Hmm … yes, well, nevermind," Rincewind said, briskly. "I'll tell you what Ponder and Hex have figured out. Over the past few months in Ankh-Morpork, we have had some unusual fluctuations in magic, corresponding with an increase in unusual crimes. Lord Vetinari has asked Unseen University to cooperate with the City Watch in its investigation. As you may comprehend, this cooperation has not exactly been very cooperative. Ergo, I'm here, officially to research some obscure problems with L-Space as part of the investigation, and you're going there, ostensibly to work for the Watch, but in reality to act as a spy for Unseen University to discover what is in fact going on."
Harry was stunned at this. Finally he could only manage "What kind of unusual fluctuations, and who are Ponder and Hex?"
"Ponder is Professor Ponder Stibbons. You'll report to him at Unseen University, mainly because the Archchancellor cannot be seen to be bothering with anything this important, as it might encourage the faculty to force him to do something energetic like teaching. That doesn't matter, since Ponder is the only wizard you will want to talk with, anyway. First, he's about our age, so he's not blinded by his position into thinking he knows everything, and second, he probably knows more about Roundworld - er, earth - than any other wizard.
"Hex is … from my limited knowledge of your world's technology, a living computer. It can be annoying at times, and sometimes you want to throw a brick at it, but often if you use it correctly it can give you very useful information. Ponder is the main wizard that uses Hex, so if you stay close to him, you can ask him to get information from Hex for you. As to the unusual occurrences, I'm sure you're going to hear more on that than I know. I don't get told anything, being in the library, most of the time."
"I'm supposed to report to a Commander Sir Samuel Vimes. I am really expected to spy on their Auror - their Watch?" Harry asked.
"That's what the wizards expect, though I rather think you're better off telling neither of them what you find out," Rincewind said. "I've met Commander Vimes quite a few times, and he's actually one of the few good chaps, from what I can tell. You'll probably be working with one of the more junior members of the Watch. Carrot, possibly. Overall they're a good group. Well, with the exception of Nobby. At any rate, tell them all what you think they want to hear, and decide for yourself what you need to do, that's my advice."
Harry nodded. At least Rincewind seemed to be interested in giving him good advice. He felt better knowing that at least one person seemed to be on his side. "What do you intend to do here?" asked Harry.
"Absolutely as little as I can get away with," Rincewind replied, completely truthfully.
Harry nodded slowly and thought for a moment. "Will you promise to communicate with me if I need information?"
Rincewind sighed. "You mean I have a choice?"
Harry nodded. "I'll either leave you completely alone, so much as that is practical, or if you pledge to assist me, perhaps I can help you in making your stay as comfortable as possible, given the circumstances."
Rincewind nodded. This would probably be the best offer he could get. "Okay," he said.
Harry whispered furtively. "Dobby?"
The little house-elf popped into the room. "Oh, Harry Potter sir! Dobby is so happy to have seen Harry Potter today!" the house-elf smiled broadly, clasping his hands together. Harry was only slightly aware of a light patter near him, but his time was short and he knew he needed to get his instructions to the house-elf quickly.
"Dobby, I know you work at Hogwarts, but I'd appreciate it if you could do a favor for me," Harry began.
"Anything for Harry Potter!" Dobby nearly glowed. "Dobby would be so happy to serve Harry Potter, who has freed us from the evil wizard, who gave us clothes, who,"
"Yes, Dobby," Harry said, interrupting to stem the flow of praise. "What I'd like you to do is help -" and here for the first time he looked up to see that the wizard Rincewind was gone from the room.
"Dobby, our visitor - Professor Rincewind - was just here," Harry stammered.
"He is currently running outside of the Great Hall towards the main doors, Harry Potter, sir," Dobby said. "Would you like him to come back here?"
"Er, yes, please, Dobby," Harry said.
The house-elf popped away, and a few seconds later, popped back, with an arm around the speeding Rincewind, who hit the floor running a second time.
"What are you running from?" Harry called.
"This- that- don't do that!" Rincewind said, exasperated. "Do not sneak up on me like that. When things like that happen in Discworld, you wind up suddenly dead!"
Harry remembered what his godfather had said only this morning: if something looks wrong, run. It looked like Rincewind had a lot of practice. This was the second most important thing the wizard had taught him.
"Right, well, you can run later. For now, get over here," Harry said calmly. He seized the three of them and they huddled close.
"Dobby, do we still have those old, unused reading rooms in the library?" Harry asked. "The old moldly ones that Snape used to fill up with all the books we wanted to read and he hid from us?"
"Oh, yes, Harry Potter, sir. There are a number of old, unused rooms like that in the library," Dobby said. "Madam Pince has not been in some of them in this decade."
"Dobby, this is Professor Rincewind. He's … visiting us. I want you to take one of those rooms, clean it carefully, and set it up as a small studio apartment for the Professor. Get a key made to the door, and make sure there's only the one key," Harry said. "Then, I want you to give that key to Professor Rincewind. I'm sure that McGonagall is going to give him a room in the teacher's turret towards the back of the castle, but I want this to be his private room, do you understand, Dobby? I do not want, if at all possible, any members of the staff to know that Professor Rincewind has a private study. Glamor it so the outside still looks dusty and unused.
"And if you are asked, Dobby, where Professor Rincewind is - tell the truth. That you don't know where he is, for certain. He could, for instance, be taking a walk outside by the lake. Or he could be in the Great Hall. He might have been walking around the castle somewhere. If you are forced, Dobby, then of course you should tell people where he is. Otherwise, try to make sure that Professor Rincewind is disturbed as little as possible. However, if I have a message for Professor Rincewind, you are to bring it to him as quickly as you can. I will send my messages through Hermione, Dobby, so she might contact you. Is this acceptable?"
The house-elf wriggled up and down. "Of course, it is, Harry Potter sir! This is very easy indeed!"
Rincewind looked at Harry as if he had just been handed the reigns to a shiny new carriage, complete with a double-tandem team of Sto Lat thoroughbreds, and been given 500AM dollars for oats and stable fees. "You would do that for me?" Rincewind said.
"If I need your help, I expect it," Harry said simply. "Hermione will know how to get in touch if we really need it. Otherwise, have fun, stay out of trouble, and I'll see you in three months."
Rincewind nodded. "You'd better get ready to go," he said. "And I mean it about Stibbons. He's no fighter, but he's your best contact in a pinch. Stibbons can get hold of me as well in a second if need be. And on the Watch, Carrot is the best of the bunch. Stibbons and Carrot. If you have any trouble, they're the people you want on your side."
Very helpful, thought Harry. "Any last advice?" he asked.
Rincewind nodded. "Keep your eyes shut, hold your breath, and if at all possible, go to the bathroom before you leave."
Harry realized he was talking about the transit. "Is it really that bad?" he asked.
"No. It's worse."
Harry was looking to step out when the faculty of Hogwarts returned. "Harry, it is time," McGonagall said. "You need to get into the pentagram now," she said.
The Luggage and the vase had been removed. Harry wasn't sure where it had moved to; Rincewind's chest had appeared to have a mind of its own. He shrunk his own bags into the pocket, stepped into the pentagram and then pulled the envelope containing the pen-cum-Portkey from his pocket.
It began to glow faintly blue, and the pentagram joined it. The candles' gentle dance of light suddenly spiked.
Keep your eyes shut, hold your breath …
Harry Potter felt his insides twist into a six-dimensional knot and his brain turn into a pretzel. If PortKey made your feel as if you had tug behind your navel - similar, in fact, to the sensation that many a rider has experienced on the Six Flag's "Death Dropper" ride - then this made you feel as if you had a tug somewhat below your navel … let's call it, say, five inches or so below, on the average person, unless you're a little taller or shorter … and of course on the other side of the navel.
Most humans don't have a tail. Darwin, if you believe him, suggests that it gradually evolved away. Travel between earth and the Discworld reminded you that, not only did you have a tail, it wasn't happy about being evolved away.
During the worst of hangovers, people generally get the sensation of movement, even when they are quite still. Right now, Harry Potter felt as if he had entered the Three Broomsticks, asked Madam Rosmerta to begin with the firewhisky and not stop until he had sampled each exotic potion she had to offer, and then been spun around on a top for a few hours.
He kept his eyes quite shut, even though he hard voices.
"Should he just be lying there that way? He looks too still."
"I'm quite certain he's alive; that spell took more energy than usual. It wouldn't have required so much if he was dead."
"You're sure it not Rincewind, just with a change of clothing?"
"No, he'd be on his feet running, by now."
Harry moaned and began to flutter his eyes. He was on his side in a marked pentagram, with a lot of very … well, how shall we put this? Gravitationally challenged men surrounding him.
"Oooh," he said.
One of the less rotund mounds - men - stepped forward. "Mr. Harry Potter?" he said rather nervously.
"Erm?" managed Harry.
"Nice to meet you. Ponder Stibbons, head of the Inadvisably Applied Magic Department," Stibbons said, stepping forward to help him to his feet. "May I introduce our Archchancellor, Mustrum Ridcully."
"Mr. Potter, delighted," said an extremely athletic looking wizard, who vaguely reminded him of Snape, albeit a Snape that understood the meaning of the word `hygiene.'
"Ahh," said Harry, managing to stretch his arm out and come reasonably close to fail to shake hands.
"Are you feeling all right, Mr. Potter? There were some difficulties," said the Archchancellor.
"What just happened?" Harry managed to gasp out.
"You just caused a substantial surge in magic," Stibbons said. "The High Energy Magic building is shielded for this eventuality and I'm sure everything will be fine. The Bursar is giving the librarian some of his dried frog pills, and I'm sure he will be swinging from the library shelves again quite soon."
Harry noticed that … was that a monkey they were attending to? Who had been lying down, and was now shaking himself up?
"Well, if that's really all, I personally think it's time for tea," said a wizard, who happened to be the Senior Wrangler.
The Dean did not take this threat amiss. The Senior Wrangler was known to help himself to the majority of the clotted cream if he made it first to the table. Although extremely rotund men are not known for speed, the room nevertheless began to empty quickly.
"Well, Mr. Potter, nice to meet you and all, I'm sure Mr. Stibbons will assist you, good man, Stibbons," and the archchancellor quickly exited the room. He knew his wizards, after all.
"Sit down, Mr. Potter," Stibbons said, carefully escorting him to a chair. "I assume you will be capable of normal speech in a moment. I am aware that the process is not very pleasant. Rincewind has informed me that he is settling in nicely."
Harry gulped down some air, and finally felt he was not going to throw up. "You've uh … talked to … uh … uh … already?" he managed.
"Oh, yes," Stibbons said. "Hex had opened a channel to him virtually the second you began to dematerialize on the Roundworld. We've been speaking for a few minutes now. Rincewind?"
A disembodied voice spoke from somewhere above Harry. "I told you it wouldn't be any fun."
"You were right," Harry said, looking for the source of the voice. It appeared to be coming from a skull that sat atop a maze of wires, parchments, quills, an ant farm, a live rat, and … something that went parp occasionally.
"Now look, Harry, we haven't much time. I've received a clacks from Pseudopolis Yard; they want you there on the double. Hold up your hand for a moment," Stibbons said.
Harry did so, and felt a sharp prick.
"Ouch!" he said, pulling his hand back. His finger had been pricked.
"I said hold still," Sibbons said crossly. He used a small vial to take a small out of blood out of Harry's finger, about the amount usually removed for a cholesterol test, and then put a piece of sticking plaster over it.
"What was that for?" Harry asked.
"Several things," Stibbons said, "we need to register your thaumic signature, so we can be sure to locate you in an emergency. I also hope to use your blood for a little experiment. More on that later."
The disembodied voice spoke again. "What exactly did the clacks say?" Rincewind said.
"That Potter needed to be at Pseudopolis Yard by four bells," Stibbons said, distractedly.
Harry, at the moment, was beginning to feel a bit … odd. He felt disoriented, and as if he needed … something …
"You'd better get him on his way, then," Rincewind's voice spoke.
"Right … Potter, do you know much about Ankh-Morpork?" Stibbons asked.
"I've been here … three minutes?" Harry retorted. "I wonder if you could show me where," he began.
"Right, come with me, then," Stibbons sighed.
They walked out of the High Energy Magic building, down a path through the garden, and to a parapet overlooking the gates of Unseen University. Harry looked down at the road. It was unpaved, and muddy from constant traffic. "Do you see that tower over there?" Stibbons asked.
It would be hard to miss. At least 15 stories high, it rose above most everything else in the entire city, save for the equally large tower behind him. There were lots of small, high towers, but they seemed thin and … pedestrian … compared to the opulence of these two. From the parapet they were on, Harry saw that most of the buildings were at most two or three stories high.
"Well, you're not going there," Stibbons said. "That's the Patrician's palace."
"Okay," said Harry. So why did you point it out to me?
"But I want you to try and get there from here," Stibbons said. "Just keep an eye on it, keep heading towards it, until you get to a bridge over the river Ankh. That'll be the Brass Bridge. Don't cross the bridge, but pass it, and Pseudopolis Yard will be the next building you come to."
"Right," said Harry. "You're not coming with me?"
"You mean, leave Unseen University?" Stibbons said, clearly shocked.
"I suppose that would be necessary," Harry said. "But at any rate, before that, could you show me where,"
Stibbons looked nervous and interrupted him. "Head for the -uh, tower. And Pseudopolis Yard - on your left past the Brass Bridge." He ran back in the direction of the High Energy Magic building. Harry slowly walked down the steps onto the road, and as he did so, the gates silently slammed shut on him.
He sighed and began walking though the muck. After a few minutes, this became difficult. Although the buildings were low, they were so dark and squalid as to sometimes block out his view of the tower. He kept trying to head in what he thought was the general direction of the tower, when he stepped into a dead end. It didn't help that he was feeling … as if he'd drunk 50 cups of coffee and 20 cups of water. He felt bloated and occasionally smacked his lips.
Seeing as he was now staggering slightly, it took him a moment to notice that there was a small group of men in the dead end, who looked at him with narrow eyes.
"Millennium Hand, and Shrimp," said one.
"I'm thinkin' you took a wrong turn back there," came a voice, although Harry couldn't tell who spoke.
"Not much meat on him, anyway," said another.
"You're not from these parts, are you, pardner?" came the second voice again. Harry still couldn't see who was speaking in the pallid light.
"Er, no," he said.
"Where you trying to go?" and … was that a dog speaking to him?
`Pseudopolis Yard," Harry said.
"Ah, the new copper," said a man. Harry's eye's focused … the man had … a … duck … on his head?
"Back down the street, first right, stay on that street for about 150 paces, make your first left, you're there," said the dog.
"Er … well, thanks very much," Harry said, and followed the instructions. Now he could see the river … if river it was. The Thames looked more pure. But still, the instructions were correct - he could see the sign halfway down the street.
"Pseudopolis Yard, Ankh-Morpork City Watch"
He was running now. "Oh gosh oh gosh og hosh," he said, and staggered into the watch house. A dwar- a diminutive person, Harry thought quickly - was on duty.
"Yes?" came a bored tone.
"Er can you tell me where I can find a bathroom?" Harry said. He couldn't hold this much longer.
"Nearest city baths is down the street, take a left, but they aren't serving men at the moment, only women at present," the person of short stature said.
Harry was sweating now. "Oh Merlin … but … what if I have to go now?"
The dwarf looked at him in surprise. "You mean like you gotta do a shit?"
"YES," said Harry through clinched teeth.
"Then why'd y' ask about taking a bath? You want the latrine, you mean," the dwarf said. "Out the door, turn right."
Harry dashed out and went right around the building, where he saw a second entryway. A woman emerged out of it, wearing armor and a badge, and briefly smiled at him. Harry went to the entryway, which led to two doors, neither marked.
Which which which which which left, thought Harry. Beggars can't be choosers.
He walked in. The smell was … indescribable. There were covered stalls. He went to the firs open and saw … a hole in the floor. That was it. He stepped over both sides, and did what was necessary.
As he stepped out, sometime later, he saw a young woman going through his bags. Without thinking he used a stunner. "Stupefy!"
KERRR-BAMMM!
The stunning spell, which normally held its victims for about 30 seconds, smashed the burglar through the wall, back into the foyer of the watch office. He saw the dwarf, sitting behind the desk, look at him in awe.
"What the gods-"
"Guards! Guards!" came a barked cry.
The woman whom he had seen leaving the latrine earlier was on his faster than he'd ever seen anyone attack him. A pair of other guards were clearly on him.
"So what do we have here, then?" came the question from an obviously displeased Watchman.
Great, now I've done it, Harry thought glumly.
"Care to explain why you're in the women's latrine?" asked the female Watchman-woman, thought Harry.
"Er, there wasn't any sign - I just went in to use the latrine, and I didn't see which was which," Harry said. "When I came out, I saw this woman going though my things, and I just tried to stop her, honestly," Harry said.
"It's Theresa," said the dwarf who was reviving her. "Her license is up to date - I know, I stopped her last week."
"License?" Harry asked.
"License to thief," the dwarf said. "What did you think? She had perfect right to try and steal."
"Huh?" Harry said.
"Look, lad, you're in a world of trouble right now, do you understand that?" came a gruff voice from his right.
"I was just trying to see Commander Vimes," Harry said.
"Oh, you'll see him, all right," said the gruff man smugly. "After a night or two in the Patrician's scorpion pit."
"But I have an appointment with him! At four bells!" Harry said.
The Watchmen - and women - eyed each other for a second.
"Can you prove that?" asked the woman guard.
Harry reached into his pocket and pulled out the envelope. She stared at it, wide-eyed.
"Get him in Vimes' office," she barked. "Nobby, get this wall fixed."
"Why do I-" came a whining voice.
"Because I say so," said the woman guard. She seized Harry by the front of his clothes, dragging him through the rubble of the door, and down a long corridor. "Kid, I hope to gods you're a good diplomat, because I reckon you're gonna need to be." she said. She knocked once on a door and shoved him in, and closed the door behind him.
Harry blinked as he realized the room was much darker than outside. A man was sitting behind a desk, smoking a cigar. He looked at him narrowly.
"So you're Harry Potter. Auror First-Class Harry Potter," he said. The words "First-Class" seemed to have a little less than the normal "first-class" ring to them.
"Yes sir," Harry said.
"You've got a letter for me," Vimes said,
"Yes sir, Commander Sir Samuel Vimes, sir," Harry said, handing it over.
Vimes took it slowly, never letting his eyes lose track of Harry's. Without looking, he broke the seal on the envelope and removed the letter. Finally he read it, extremely slowly. He did not look back up at Harry.
"You're here 10 minutes," Vimes began. "You then proceed to show up late to my office, trespass into a woman's latrine, cause malicious property damage by blowing a hole in the wall to said latrine, commit assault and battery on a registered burglar in the course of normal employ, and manage to essentially blow any pretense of a cover story we were going to concoct."
"I, uh, guess so," Harry said. "Just lucky, I guess."
Vimes took a deep puff on his cigar.
"Shacklebolt was right. You're gonna be hell," Vimes said. He then smiled broadly. "Sit down, Potter."
Harry did so. Gonna be a long day, he thought.
-->