Co-written with the lovely Sarah Kavanagh.
Warnings: Some crack, some references to Arrested Development, vengeful rats and onion breath.
Episode One: Carrot Cuddling
It was only when James had a pair of carrot-filled knickers on his head that he realized he was in love with Lily Evans. He also decided that he should put his glasses back on, as he had just proved that the whole `carrots improve your eyesight' thing was total bullshit.
Lily just shook her head and said, voice dripping with condescension, "You're an idiot. And how'd you get my knickers? I thought I'd locked that drawer after the last panty incident."
James screamed like a girl, and winced as every carrot fell out of the knickers and onto the floor, as he hadn't even known that Lily-the-love-of-his-life-formerly-known-as-just-plain-Lily was there, because he couldn't see, because he didn't have his glasses on, in case we weren't clear about that.
Out of nowhere (well, obviously it came from somewhere, but do keep up about James not having the glasses. Honestly, are you that thick?), a hand rammed against the side of James' now carrot-less head. And it hurt. A lot.
"Ow," he cried, lamenting the loss of about five IQ points.
"The innocent act looks atrocious on you, Potter," said Lily, who was apparently still there. James would've bet all his carrots that she had been the one who'd hit him. Bitchcake. Lovable bitchcake, his mind amended.
"Lily," he said. "I've had an epiphany!"
"I hope it's more of an epiphany than your realization that butter is better than margarine. Which," she added, more to herself than to him, "is total bullshit."
"Mere trifles, Lily dear," said James, with a wave of his hand. "Just let me get my glasses so that I can see you properly. And, ah, here are your knickers." He fumbled around in his pockets for a moment until he found his glasses and put them back on, and bent his head so that she could pluck her knickers from atop it. "Isn't it funny how it took the loss of my glasses for me to see things clearly?"
"I would use less of the word `funny', more of the word `absolutely mad." She snatched the knickers and shoved them into her pocket. They fell out, but she grabbed them before they hit the ground and hid them in her schoolbag.
"Mad I may be, but absolutely mad I am not!" he protested, grabbing her shoulders dramatically. "I am mad, mad about you!"
"Oh god," she breathed, panic spreading across her features. They were quite lovely features, even filled with anxiety one would see one a person about to get hit by a lorry. "Please tell me you're joking."
"No, I'm not! I love you!"
"Fuck." She blew a strand of hair out of her face. "I don't suppose there's a way for me to make you fall out of love with me, or better yet, despise me again. I was fond of the way we couldn't stand each other. Don't you want to go back to that?"
"But there's the rub! I never despised you; my taunting and teasing was merely a cover for my deep, unending love! Love for you! There is no way that I could ever not love you!"
Lily stamped her foot on the ground in frustration. (And looked exceedingly good doing so, James noted.) "I insist that you hate me!"
"I can't! This only makes me love you more! I must kiss you now, or I shall perish in the fire of my own misery." He still hadn't let go of her shoulders and noted, with glee, that she hadn't made any effort to shake his hands off, so he started to massage them gently.
"Would you stop that?" shouted Lily, attempting to shrug free of his hands. "And if you kiss me, I'll be forced to kill you. Wouldn't that make you hate me again?"
"If kissing you now shall eventually result in my death, then I am prepared to die!" He pulled her closer. "Well, maybe not right now, I mean, I'd need some time to pick out a nice coffin and make sure that Sirius writes a fitting and tragic eulogy."
"Damn it, I'll write your bloody eulogy if you'll only let go!" She pushed him away.
"Well, I'm not going to die now, am I?" he protested, running a hand through his hair, which had wilted a little because of the stinging rejection. "Unless I kill myself, but I wouldn't want you to blame yourself for breaking my heart."
"Oh, believe me, I would sooner take the blame for the invention of canned figs." She backed away slowly. "And trust me, I'd never want the credit for that joke of a food. If I were you, which I'm glad I'm not, I would still fear for my life because you are scaring me," she hissed.
"Oh," he said, gallantly trying to hide his quivering lip, because he really did love her. "I didn't mean to scare you, Lily. I just thought that if I was a tad overdramatic, then it might lighten the mood, or make you laugh or something. I've never really told anyone that I loved them before, except for singing sensation Selina Wallebricker, and I was only five then. I really do love you, however, and I know that for sure because…well, I'm not five." He sighed, and tried in vain to make his hair stand up again.
"Yeah, well…" She stopped moving away and folded her arms. "You did scare me, and I don't appreciate being told I'm loved by the likes of you."
"Yeah, sorry about that, and about the knickers. On my life, I didn't know they were yours. Sirius got them for me and it was a stupid dare and…yeah. I'm going to go." He turned sadly away, very saddened because the love of his life wanted to boil his insides with many carrots, most likely. "I'll not bother you again. Sorry."
"Wait!" Lily took a step forward, dropping her hands to the side. "It's just… carrots are my favorite vegetable, and I thought since you had them in my knickers… well, it was stupid, what I thought." She shook her head. "I'm sorry for… wait, I'm not sorry. Except for maybe threatening to kill you. And for bringing up canned figs," she added, shuddering.
James, who had whipped (hopefully) around, went beet red and picked up the nearest carrot he could see. "Do you want one? No, urgh." He dropped it again. "It's been on the floor, and in your knickers, although I'm sure they were clean. I should…erm." He turned away from her, turned back, and turned away again, letting out a groan. When he turned to face her for the final time, he was looking dejected again. "I really am sorry, that was not the best way to tell the girl I love that I love her, but it had only just hit me that I do. You see, I was thinking about you and I thought, `Why am I always thinking about Evans?' especially since I should have been thinking about the whole carrot-eyesight thing, and then I realized that I love you. I'm an idiot, yeah." And then he turned away again, as red as a poppy on crack.
For a long moment, Lily stared at the ground silently. James was just about to abandon hope when she looked up and asked, "Where did you get the carrots? Because I could do with one right now, and maybe you could…."
"Tell you where to get them?" he finished, trying to be helpful. "I got them in the kitchens. You're very pretty. I'll shut up now."
Lily blinked. "Erm… I don't know where the kitchens are, actually," she said, blushing.
"Oh, well, erm, I can show you, and then run away, if you like. I feel very awkward right now," said James, scratching his nose to disguise his embarrassment, a move which was ruined because he was basically telling her that he was embarrassed.
Lucky for him, it seemed that Lily was too embarrassed about her own behavior to notice the logical fallacy in James' actions. "You wouldn't… have to run away. I expect that the house-elves would want you to stick around… or something…."
"Er, right. Ok, well, let's go, shall we?" He stuck out his hand before quickly withdrawing it and going as red as a poppy on crack and ecstasy. "I didn't mean that, I'm sorry. I'm going to stop being an idiot in a minute."
"Don't," she blurted, then slapped a hand over her mouth. She briefly closed her eyes, then opened them and forced her hand back to her side. "Let's go before either of us says something else we regret."
James, who was finally coming out of his haze of mortification, shook his head and said, "What could you possibly say that you'd regret later, Lily?"
"You really are a lot thicker with your glasses on, aren't you?"
"Not really, I just find it hard to think clearly around you. I could take them off if you like, though," he offered.
She rolled her eyes. "James, shut up before I shove those dirty carrots in your ears."
"Yes, my love." He clamped his lips shut and gestured down the corridor.
"Don't call me that."
"Sorry. Shall I just call you Evans?"
"No…."
"Pillow-pants?"
"Was that a hint about my bum? I'll have you know, it's naturally that large, and if some people can't-"
"Nonono! I love your bum, and I'm sure that it's naturally that," he swallowed. "Lovely. I don't know where pillow-pants came from, I was trying to be… to be, I don't know."
She halted and stared. "Do I need to be blunt with you?"
"Wait, no! I'd rather not hear it. I should leave." He held up a hand to silence her before she could interrupt. "At least, this way, I can pretend that I might have been able to have a chance with you and was too dumb to see it, instead of hearing you say that you hate me again. I'm really sorry, I love you…..bye."
And with that, he ran away.
Lily blew out a slow breath. "I can't seem to give this away," she muttered. "Couldn't have even told me where the kitchens were. I could really do with a carrot…." She looked up and down the corridor. "Now, where did Sirius go? There's a man who knows his carrots…."
Just then, James came running back. He reached Lily, dumped a bag full of fresh carrots in her arms and threw his arms around her before she could even register his appearance.
"Sorry, I just had to," said he, apologetically, as he let go of her and ran away. He half-tripped over his own laces as he did so, but kept running nevertheless.
"Damn pasta!" he shouted.
And then, he was gone.
Lily looked down at the carrots. They did look awfully delicious, so she plopped down on the ground and began to eat them. And, by Merlin, they were the tastiest carrots she'd ever had.
And thus ended Lily's search for carrots. I hope you've all learned an important lesson: if you want vegetables, make a boy fall for you.
The End
Next week on Vegetated Development: Radish Romancing
-->