Warnings: Some crack, some references to Arrested Development, vengeful rats and onion breath.
Episode Two: Lettuce Love
James Potter loved lettuce. In fact, lettuce seemed to be the only thing left in his life (besides his friends, but they don't feature in this story, so fuck them) that made him happy. You see, just a week ago, he had, in an unforeseen move, announced his love for Lily Evans to Lily Evans herself. She had turned him down, seemingly more interested in carrots than she was in him. Thus, he was very depressed. So he was sitting in the quietest corner of the library, chomping dejectedly on his iceberg lettuce and feeling very sorry for himself.
"There you are," came the voice of aforementioned love, Lily Evans. Her eyes were the color of James' favorite kind of lettuce. He couldn't remember the name, so maybe, he thought, he liked the lettuce because it looked like her eyes, instead of the other way 'round.
"Yes, er, I am here," he replied, thinking that her hair reminded him of cherry tomatoes, which always went well with lettuce. "Hello, Lily."
"Is that what we decided you'd call me?" she asked, sliding into the seat across from him. "Because I thought you were going to call me CushionTrousers, or some other such nonsense. Not," she quickly added, "that I want you to call me that."
"I'd be a tad worried if you did," he said, longing to leap across the table and kiss her until Madame Pince found them and told them to get out of the library for acting like lovesick teenagers in a public place, but he thought that Lily wouldn't really go for that. "What can I do you for? I mean, eh, ah, erm, what can I do for you?"
Lowering her voice, she told him, "Another pair of my knickers has gone missing, and I was wondering if you'd seen them."
"Merlin no, I haven't. And I don't think it was Sirius either. I could have murdered him for what he did last week. Let's just say that he's been finding it hard to sit down lately and I don't think he'll ever like carrots again."
She just stared. "I don't follow."
"Oh, I kicked him in the arse and put a hair in his carrots," he explained, laughing inwardly at Sirius and his unexplainable fear of finding hairs in his food.
"Thank god," Lily said, letting out a breath of relief. "I thought-nevermind. It doesn't matter. Do you know who might've taken my knickers? They were my favorite pair."
James went red, because he couldn't think about Lily's knickers without thinking about Lily wearing them, which may have been a pleasant thought, but not when she was sitting right across from him. "Honestly, I wouldn't have a clue. Perhaps they got lost in the wash?"
"I don't think so." She slumped in her seat. "The house-elves have never lost anything of mine before. Say, is that iceberg lettuce?" she asked suspiciously.
"Yes, it is. I got it from the kitchens, after paying the house-elves to steal your knickers."
"Of course! You got iceberg lettuce because that's what's on my favorite pair of knickers. Why didn't I piece it together earlier?"
"I'm a knicker-stealing mastermind. Except that I was joking. Your knickers are probably stuffed in your trunk somewhere, or you're wearing them and have forgotten that you are. I could check, if you like." He mentally berated himself for his own boldness, but he felt like he had to put on a composed front after last week's fiasco. He tried to casually lean on the desk with one arm, but is elbow slipped and he hit his funny bone.
It seemed like luck was on James' side once again, for Lily was too caught up mentally sorting through her trunk to notice either his come on or his self-injury. "It's possible, but I organize my knickers pretty thoroughly, and the lettuce knickers were not in their assigned place. I can't think of where else they might be." She tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Maybe Tina stole them.… She is a bit of a yoinker…."
"Er, right," James agreed. "Is there a logical reason for Tina to do that, though? I know that she has a bit of a crush on you, but so does anybody with a bit of sense."
"Of course there's no logical reason," chided Lily. "There is, however, a logical reason to give me some of your lettuce. They're not my favorite knickers for nothing, you know," she said, eyeing James' scrumptious lettuce.
"You would like to partake in the eating of my lettuce, hmm?" he asked, raising his eyebrows at Lily and running a hand through his hair, which had since regained its messy springy-ness. "And what do I get in return? You know, if I let you partake in this here lettuce-feast. Well?"
"Oh," Lily said, sounding crestfallen. "You mean you expect something in return?" She sighed. "Very well. What do you want? So long as it doesn't involve any of my knickers, especially the lettuce ones."
James was caught. He had never expected her to agree. The possibilities ran through his head like somebody on crack, who runs. Yeah.
"Well, I don't know, I didn't think you'd agree to actually give me something in return. What do you think?" James was desperately hoping that her payment would be some form of physical affection, and he suspected that she knew this, but he didn't want to push his luck.
"I don't have any money on me…." She rummaged through her schoolbag in search of something to offer, but turned up nothing. "I don't suppose you'd give some to me out of the kindness of your heart. You are rather lacking in that department, after all."
Without any hesitation, James pushed every scrap of lettuce he had towards her. "Of course you can have some, as much as you like," he said eagerly. "And that wasn't very suave of me, was it?"
Lily raised her eyebrows. "I don't know if I want your lettuce now. Why are you suddenly feeling so charitable? If I'd asked two weeks ago, you'd never have given me your lettuce. Unless," she said triumphantly, sitting up straight in her seat, "you poisoned it!"
"Or," he argued, "since you already know that I'm hopelessly in love with you, there's no real point in my pretending to dislike you any more. And I didn't poison the lettuce, I've been eating it for the past ten minutes. Would I do that if it was poisoned?"
"Why, you'd do it if you'd already taken the antidote, of course. Or if you'd spent the last ten years building up an immunity to the poison in preparation for such an event," she said. "There are literally dozens of explanations for why you would've poisoned the lettuce."
James felt a stab of annoyance. It is not very nice to be turned down by the girl you're in love with, but even worse when she deliberately ignores the fact. "Or maybe I just wanted to be nice to you. Make up for the past six years of being a twat. It's fine, though. Don't eat it if you don't want to. I'm going." And with that, he rose from his seat, with a mind to go to his dorm and cry in the shower.
"You're leaving? Then it must be poisoned!" Lily leapt out of her seat and pointed her finger at James. "Murderer!" she shouted. "You're trying to kill me, just like you killed my knickers!"
James was not in the mood to jest, however. "Lily, I'm really not in the mood to jest. Frankly, I'm a bit depressed at the moment and you being here is not helping one bit."
Letting her finger drop, Lily's expression went from accusatory to sympathetic. "I'm sorry I was so accusatory. I understand what it's like to be suspected of something that you didn't do." She muttered, "Stupid walruses."
"I don't really understand what you're talking about, Lily. If this is your way of trying to make me fall out of love with you, I'm sorry to tell you that it isn't working."
"Fuck." She huffed. "Look, just tell me if you see my knickers anywhere, all right?"
"Yeah. It's ok. Unrequited hate must be the worst thing ever. I'll see you around, Evans. Enjoy my lettuce."
And with that, he ran away.
Plopping into her seat, Lily began to munch on the lettuce. "Stupid boys. Stupid knickers. Stupid walruses."
And with that, Tina ran wildly through the library, a pair of lettuce-decorated knickers on her head. She was soon followed by James, who ran up to Lily and shouted, "I saw them! Tina the Yoinker has them!"
And before Lily could say another word, James ran away again.
She bit into another leaf of lettuce, and, by Merlin, it was the third best lettuce she'd ever had.
And thus ended Lily's search for her knickers. I hope you've all learned an important lesson: if you want the boy you're secretly in love with to give you lettuce, misplace your knickers. Or leave them in an unsafe place, like in front of a bunch of walruses.
The End
Next week on Vegetated Development: Artichoke Adoration