Warnings: Some crack, some references to Arrested Development, vengeful rats and onion breath.
Episode Four: Onion Oglings
It was very, very late (unless you are a person who works at night) when James Potter came skulking into the Gryffindor common room. On one hand, he was flushed with victory, while on the other, he was deeply depressed. He had just returned from a date with Lindsay Bluebeard, a girl whom he had absolutely no interest in, and he had managed to prevent her from snogging him by eating an onion on the way to their date. He was depressed because he actually wanted to kiss Lily Evans, whom he had, some weeks earlier, dramatically professed his love for. That hadn't gone well.
Sighing, he ruffled his sooty hair and dropped into the chair by the fireplace, which was a bad idea because he'd left a Dungbomb under there.
"Serves you right, you self-satisfied, lettuce-hogging turniphead." Lily Evans stood in front of him, although she was clever enough to stand far enough away to avoid the stench emanating from under his seat.
"What serves me right?" he said defiantly. He was very glad that he'd taken one of Warlock Wafflebum's piquant breath mints before coming back to the common room. Banishing the smell with a wave of his wand, he closed his eyes. "Having to put up with you when I'm tired?"
"Setting off your own Dungbomb, of course. Don't pretend that didn't just happen, because I saw it, you onion-devourer."
"Er, Lily, how did you know that I'd eaten an onion?"
"Don't call me that." She folded her arms. "And I know because I saw you. It's a good thing you did, because otherwise-" She coughed and looked away.
"Because otherwise Lindsay Bluebeard would have wanted to kiss me, and I would have had a shot at happiness?" he finished for her. "Do you enjoy seeing me miserable, Lily darling?" He hoped that by calling her Lily darling, it would annoy her, because she was being very irritating at this present moment. He wanted to be left alone and eat his last onion in peace.
"What? No, I was going to say because then you would've been able to smell her, and she would've smelled like me since she stole one of my jumpers for your date." She slapped a hand over her mouth.
"Really?" James asked, bewildered.
"Don't think so," she said hurriedly, after she removed her hand, obviously.
"Er, right. That wouldn't have worked even if she was that, er, ingenious. Because I don't love you anymore, and I don't want to smell your jumper."
"Well, I know that, but she's as dumb as that delicious-looking onion you're about to eat. She seems to think that you still love me, which we both know to be untrue."
"Yes, it is true. Very true. Are you happy about that?"
"I'm not lying when I say I'm happy." (Lily was lying.)
"Really? Because I noticed that you go red when you're lying, and you're red right now."
Lily was, in fact, very red in the face, and was doing a poor job of hiding it, as she wasn't trying to hide it at all. Silly girl. "That's ridiculous. I do no such thing, not to mention there's a perfectly logical reason why I'm re-I need to stop talking."
"Of course there is. I know you to be an honest person. I mean, if I were to tell you that I was, in fact, still in love with you and try to kiss you right now, you would reject me like you always do."
"Of course I'd reject you!" She murmured, but very ineffectively, "Right now…."
"I know that, so I'm not going to. Instead, I'm going to eat my onion." James tossed his onion into the air, caught it, and took a huge bite. His eyes watered, but he remained macho. (He'd been de-machoed enough with the turnip incident.)
Lily let out a small gasp and looked longingly at the stairs to her dormitory, although she stayed in place. "I don't think you should eat that onion," she said, a bit breathlessly.
"And I think you look a bit peaky," he said. "You should sit down." With that, James darted forward with all the speed of a Quidditch captain and pulled her into his lap.
"Ohmygod." Lily attempted to get up, but James held fast, somehow still managing to simultaneously eat his onion. "I really need to leave," Lily pleaded. "I don't think you understand."
"No, I don't understand," he said, setting the remains of his onion aside and pulling her close to his chest. "Perhaps you could explain it to me?"
She let out a very un-macho-like squeal, which made sense, as she was a woman, and not a man dressed as a British au pair. "No, I really couldn't!" She again tried to wrestle herself free, but really, James had some of the best Quidditch muscles ever. They were realllly hot. "Please. Let me go."
"Why, Lily? Does my onion-breath turn you on?"
"No!" she squeaked. "Not even remotely!"
"Well, you'd be a bit weird if it did."
"Yes, very weird." She turned her head around to look at James, a strange look on her face. "You know, I think I know how to make you hate me again."
"Really?" said James. "And how would you do that?"
"If I-" She shook her head and said in a small voice, "I need to leave. Right now, before I do something stupid."
"I do stupid things all the time," said James. "Like telling the girl I'm in love with that I don't love her anymore, even though I do, more than ever. So if you do something stupid, I won't hold it against you."
"Give me the onion," she whispered.
"Er, ok," said James, offering her the onion, who really didn't have a clue what was going on, only that he was being eaten, and he didn't like it.
Lily snatched the onion, took a large bite, and crunched away at it. When she'd swallowed, she leaned in right next to James' face. "Really, please stop me now."
James, very confused by Lily's urgent voice, the pungent scents in the air and the onion's dying moans, merely shrugged.
Closing her eyes, Lily kissed him. It was weird.
Some moments later, she shoved against him with all her might and burst out of his grip. "How dare you!" she cried, backing away.
Springing from his seat, James pointed an accusing finger at Lily and spluttered, "How dare I? But- you- eh- me- you- this- but- Lily."
And with that, he ran away.
Lily plopped down into the seat he'd just vacated and whacked her palm on her forehead. "I've made a huge mistake."
Just then, James ran back into the room and headed straight towards her chair. Pulling her out of her seat, he kissed her again, let go of her and shouted, "How dare I, indeed!" He then pumped both fists into the air and ran away again.
Lily coughed and sat back down. Then she picked up the onion and shoved what remained of it in her mouth, and, by Merlin, it was the saltiest onion she'd ever had.
And thus ended Lily's search for her ideal kiss. I hope you've all learned an important lesson: don't steal jumpers so you'll smell like other people. It's just weird.
The End
Next week on Vegetated Development: Mushroom Moonings