Warnings: Some crack, some references to Arrested Development, vengeful rats and onion breath.
Episode Three: Turnip Trysts
James Potter's left hand had suddenly turned into a turnip. He wasn't sure how it had happened. One minute he'd been sitting calmly in the common room, innocently placing a time-release Dungbomb under the chair in front of the fireplace, and the next thing he knew, his hand had morphed into a vegetable. It was quite unnerving.
"Damn, double damn, and a pint of damn for the weekend!" he barked, as he really liked his left hand. He was right-handed, but had conveniently forgotten that.
"Watch your mouth, Potter!" berated Lily Evans, poking him in the back.
"Ouch!" said James, as being poked was not pleasant (unless you were Tina the Yoinker, but she's weird). "That was unwanted physical contact, Lily Evans!" He turned in his seat to look at the object of his desire. "My hand has been turned into a root vegetable - this is not a good time for you to poke me!"
"Having your hand turned into food is no excuse for foul language in front of the younger years." She gestured towards the rest of the common room, which was, actually, empty except for a rat and a deaf third-year. "Don't de-virginize their ears!"
"I'd de-virginize you, if I could," he muttered in what he thought was a quiet voice, but actually wasn't. Because when one's hand gets turned into a turnip, they have difficulty controlling the volume of their voice. Also, it works for this oneshot, Turnip Trysts. Aren't we sly foxes?
"I beg your pardon?! I heard that, you know! And so did Marjorie!" She pointed to the third-year. Who, as we have already specified, was deaf. And then Lily realized her error, and tried to fix it by saying, "She can read lips!" (She couldn't.)
"She's reading a book, Lily, so that blows your argument to pieces. You're blushing. Like the idea, do you?" He tried to ruffle his hair in a suave and sexy manner, but his hand was a turnip, so it didn't work.
Lily grimaced. "You've got hair in your turnip. And turnip in your hair. Ew." After clearing her throat, she continued, "The very idea makes me wish your head had turned into a turnip. Because then… er… you couldn't talk…."
"Ok, firstly, I could still de-virginize you without a head, and secondly, will you turn my hand back into a hand, please?" He gazed up at her with imploring eyes, which he suspected Lily found to be very appealing, but didn't want to admit. (She did.)
"You think I would have sex with a man with a turnip for a head?" She gave a violent twitch. "That's… I can't even tell you how wrong that is, you perverted freak." She made as if to poke him again, but restrained herself. "Your hand stays a turnip."
"Poo," said James. "I wish I wasn't left-handed." (He wasn't.) Waving his turnip hand in her face, he continued, "If you turned my hand back, then it wouldn't be a turnip, and since my head is not a turnip, but actually the head of a very handsome young man, then I could have sex with you and it wouldn't be disgusting."
"That's where you're wrong," Lily said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Even more obvious than the fact that the rat was attacking Marjorie. "It would still be disgusting since you have turnip in your hair. And, of course, since you're you."
"Fine!" said James, brushing the turnip out of his hair and going red. "I'm lucky that I'm over you, aren't I?" He said this because he suspected that this would secretly upset Lily very much. (It did.) "Also…I've just remembered that I'm not left-handed." He quickly took his wand out of his pocket and turned his hand back into a hand. "So…nyah. Why are you over here, anyway? You never used to come over and talk to me all of the time."
"Double damn," muttered Lily. "I, er, had to reprimand you for cursing. And setting up traps for poor Marjorie. Hasn't she gone through enough?"
"Marjorie was attacked by a rat three minutes ago and you didn't notice," James argued. "She fought it off with a bag of raisins. And if you have anything more to say, then I suggest you say it now. I have a date to get to."
"A date?" gasped Lily. "But I thought-nevermind." She lifted her chin. "Take the Dungbomb and get out of my sight, you turnip of a man."
"Yes, a date. With Lindsay Bluebeard." Lindsay Bluebeard was Lily's worst enemy, ever since James announced that he was going on a date with her ten seconds previously. Before that, Lily hadn't liked her very much, and James was aware of it. "And calling me a turnip is both silly and arguable, as I am clearly not one."
"But you were," Lily pointed out, rather weakly. "Besides, only a turnip would date Bluebeard. She sounds like a pirate, for Merlin's sake. Are you going to stab her with your turnip?"
"Pirates are cool, and Lindsay Bluebeard is a very nice girl. Why should you care who I date? I figured that as long as I'm not pursuing you, you're perfectly happy. And your argument is still moot, because I only had a turnip hand." He rose from his seat and stood directly in front of Lily, feeling secretly gloomy because he didn't want to date Lindsay Bluebeard and he still loved Lily very, very much. Lily was very beautiful, intelligent, kind and funny. Lindsay Bluebeard, on the other hand, was slightly ditzy and smelled of blue paint.
"Well, then, fine! Go ahead and date that rude gus!" Lily poked him in the chest. "See if I care, you troublesome turniphead!"
"Fine, I will!" he shouted. "I'm, I'm…er…really glad that I don't love you any more, you, you, marginally-wonderful former goddess!"
And with that, he ran away.
Quickly checking no one was looking (Marjorie had long-since gone chasing after the rat that had stolen one of her precious raisins), Lily plopped down to the ground and muttered, "I've made a huge mistake."
Just then, James ran back into the common room until he was right in front of Lily. He looked down at her, eyes brimming with emotion, and said, "I forgot my shoes."
So he got them, put them on, and ran away again.
It was then that Lily spotted a bit of turnip that had fallen off of James' hand before he'd Transfigured it back. She devoured it, and, by Merlin, it was the juiciest turnip she'd ever had.
And thus ended Lily's search for love. (Or so she believed.) I hope you've all learned an important lesson: always carry a bag of raisins around in case a rat attacks you.
The End
Next week on Vegetated Development: Potato Pursuits