Warnings: Some crack, some references to Arrested Development, vengeful rats and onion breath.
Episode Five: Kidney Bean Kisses
It occurred to James Potter, some time after he'd done it, that perhaps there were better ways to show his love than to pelt Lily Evans with kidney beans. He thought he'd got over his juvenile methods in attracting her attention, but apparently some habits die hard. And fast. (Other die slowly and rather unnoticeably, like onions, which isn't quite a habit, but that's beside the point.) In any case, the deed was done, and she was now charging his way. She did not look happy.
"James!" she cried, coming to a halt behind his seat in the Great Hall. "I have kidney beans in my hair. Wet, cooked kidney beans. Do you have any idea how disgusting that is?"
"Darling!" said James, even then wondering why on earth he had been throwing kidney beans at her. This would not make good progress. It could make her attraction turn to hate. He needed another way to ensnare his mate. "I…have no idea. You look very beautiful today, er, Lily."
"Not as good as I did about two minutes ago, before you threw kidney beans at me." She sent him her best glare, the kind that takes years of experience to get right. (Lily had years of experience.) "Why would you do that? It makes no sense!"
"I don't know. Maybe because-"
Just then, Marjorie the deaf third-year ran into the Great Hall, waving her arms about.
"My hearing has been fixed!" she shouted gleefully. The entire Great Hall ran towards her in an act of united celebration, thus ensuring that Lily and James had privacy, which was very convenient.
"Maybe because you're an idiot?"
"Or because you're a…shoe." He hung his head in shame, knowing now that he'd blown his chances of ever marrying Lily and having a baby who was born to defeat the Dark Lord with her.
"You're such a turniphead," Lily said, narrowing her eyes. "You stole my green bean knickers, didn't you?"
"They were lettuce knickers, and Tina stole them. Also, you're the one who ate my turnipy remnants."
"I did no such thing!" exclaimed Lily. (She had.) "And I know Tina stole my lettuce knickers, but those are not the ones missing. My bean ones are missing, and you conveniently chose to throw beans at me today, which can only mean that you took them, you onion-eating pervert."
"Oh yeah, the onion eating. That really turns you on, doesn't it?" said James, clueless as to why he was picking a fight with the girl whom he would gladly hold in his arms and worship for the rest of his life. "You have an obsession with your own knickers, Evans."
"Of the two of us, only one has a reason to want to even mention them - that's me, Potter, since they are my knickers. Yet you're the one who had them on his head!" She finished with a wag of her finger, handily ignoring the jab about her kinks.
"Well, you shouldn't have left them lying around for Sirius to find!" James banged his fist on the table, causing Peter's glass of pumpkin juice to fall over and spill onto his crotch (James' crotch, not Peter's, as Peter and the rest of the Gryffindor table were currently congratulating formerly-deaf Marjorie). "Fuck, Evans, look what you made me do!"
"That's my line, lettuce-lover!" She jabbed him in the back. "I only left those out to satisfy the walruses. My owl died because of you and Sirius, I'll have you know!"
"Your owl is alive, I saw him this morning. And there aren't any walruses in this sodding school. You're insane. Take that, Lily Po- Evans." He went red. He'd just made a huge mistake.
"Then Sirius must have kidnapped him-wait. What did you just say?"
"I almost called you by my surname, if you must know," said James, suddenly noticing that everyone was returning to their seats. Marjorie had left the Great Hall, and if his friends came back and saw him with a wet crotch, they would be amused. He set about drying his trousers.
"Why-that-you-" Lily huffed in indignation. "I can't imagine a way that you could be more presumptuous, you trouser-wetting, knicker-stealing, carrot-hoarding-"
"Yeah, I know. It's such a pity you're in love with me," said James, grinning as he successfully managed to dry his trousers just as Sirius took his seat beside him.
Just then, Marjorie ran into the Great Hall, screaming and shouting. There was a rat attached to her jugular. The entire Great Hall ran towards her in a united act of…well…defense, I suppose.
Lily reached down and grabbed James by the front of his robes and dragged him to his feet. Yanking him close, she spat, "I find that idea more disgusting than frying up a dead dove and eating it with raisins."
"Really? Would you swear on your life that you believe that?"
She faltered, but only for half a moment. "I would," she said with pride. (She was also blushing, but she was pointedly pretending that she wasn't.)
James' face fell and he looked crestfallen. "I was kind of hoping that you'd say no." He sighed and gently pulled himself out of her grip, which was not very powerful at all. She had no Quidditch toned muscles. Poor girl. She did have a dictionary in her schoolbag, though.
"Why?" challenged Lily. "I thought you didn't love me anymore. I thought you loved Pirate Face."
"I thought we also established that I was lying," he said, forlornly trying to throw a kidney bean into his mouth, but missing by about five inches. "And that I am still very much in love with you. You may have missed that the other night when you were sitting in my lap."
Before Lily could respond, the entirety of Hogwarts returned to their seats after helping Marjorie defeat the loathsome rat once and for all.
Lily nervously looked at the students that were now well within hearing range. "Do you mean that?" she asked.
But James had run away.
But then he returned, arms laden with carrots. Lots and lots of carrots he'd stolen from the Hufflepuffs. He stopped short when he reached his seat and noticed that all of his friends were looking at him, most likely thinking, 'Why does James have all those carrots?' but also, 'What happened to Peter's pumpkin juice?' Only Peter was thinking that; he often thought about himself in third person, and nobody else cared.
"Er…" said James.
At that precise moment, Marjorie came running back into the Great Hall.
"I found my raisins!"
The entire Great Hall ran towards her in a united act of celebration (again), leaving Lily and James alone, again. Proof that Déjà vu is not a glitch in the system.
"These…are for you," said James, setting the carrots on the table in front of her.
"I… you really do love me," Lily said, eyes widening to the size of onions. (But not really. That'd be weird.) "That's… not too unexpected, I suppose."
"Of course I love you," said James, as if not loving Lily was impossible. "How could I not love you? Not loving you would be impossible. You're everything to me."
"Everything? I mean more to you than, say… lettuce? Or carrots?"
"Definitely! More than the entire food pyramid! And Quidditch! Even, even Sirius," he said, lowering his voice on the last word, lest Sirius hear and fly into a jealous rage, like he did two weeks ago, when James said that he thought that Remus had marginally better calves than Sirius did.
"Wow." Lily sounded stunned. (She was.) Suddenly a large tawny owl swooped down and landed on her shoulder. "Hugh!" she cried. "There you are! And you've found my bean knickers!" She grabbed her knickers from her owl, who, relieved of his delivery, flew off into the sunset. (Later. For now, he simply flew out into the early to midmorning.) A pensive look crossed her face, and then she took one of the carrots and the knickers and placed them both on her head.
It all became clear. She did love James.
"I do love you, James," she said, throwing herself into his arms.
"Ow! You kneed me in my Jacobs!" he cried.
"Sorry!" She rearranged her knees to avoid his Charlie Browns. "It's amazing how well this knicker-veg combination works to facilitate epiphanies."
"I think I should sit down," said James. He did, but sprang up a moment later.
"YOU LOVE ME!" he cried, before dropping back into his seat again. "Ouchies."
"Be careful," chided Lily. "You don't want to hurt your John Thomas. I plan to use that some time in the future."
"Kiss me now, you vixen!" he cried.
So she plopped down into his lap (avoiding his meat and two veg) and kissed him with all the passion and heat of a thousand suns. And, by Merlin, he had the happiest mouth she'd ever tasted.
And thus ended Lily's search for her owl. I hope you've all learned an important lesson: always leave a note.
The End
On the epilogue of Vegetated Development: Celery Caresses