When he opened his eyes, he had failed. He knew he had; the pain in his head and the pit of his stomach told his so. He was broken; he had broken the one promise that was the hardest for him to keep. The one he wanted to keep the most. With a groan he rolled over, into the face of the couch he had collapsed into, though how he got there, he wasn't too sure. He really wasn't quite sure of anything that had happened since he broken down and let the demon win. With a grunt of pain, he tried to push up off the couch, but his arms were too stiff, as if they had been bound for the evening. He gave up and flopped back down on the couch, hiding from the sun.
He could hear voices, and knew enough from the surroundings that he was at Chuck and Shirley's. They were the only people that knew of his problems, besides his support group and sponsor. He needed to talk to Luna soon, if only so he could justify his actions to someone. In one night, he had lost every step that he had taken since joining the program. Every step was gone. He'd have to start over again. Could he do that?
After seeing Hermione again, he wasn't sure if he could. He could face the world without the drink if she wasn't in it. But now....now.... Was he strong enough? Could he go on knowing she still cared, but he couldn't have her?
"Drink this," Chuck's disembodied voice said. He felt his hand being lifted and a cup being put into it. "Sit up, we need to talk." Harry did as he was told, making sure he didn't spill the cup of whatever was being given to him. He hoped it was black coffee. He couldn't normally drink it, but it worked wonders when he needed to get through a hangover and couldn't get another drink. "What happened?"
"She did," Harry said. He hoped Chuck knew what he meant. He didn't think at the moment he could string more than a few words together. He must have drunk more than he thought.
"Ah," Chuck said. There was silence between them, as if neither knew what to say next. He took a drink of the coffee, sticking out his tongue in disgust. He hated the stuff with a passion, never did like it, and only drink it to ease some of the hangover. Setting down the cup, he leaned back and closed his eyes, massaging his temples.
"What are you going to do now?" Chuck finally asked. Harry shook his head, feeling the tears beginning to well up.
"I don't know, I.....I'm not strong enough, I don't think I can do this," he said, cradling his head in his hands as he rested his elbows on his knees. Chuck's arms wrapped around him as he cried, the pain of his failure over taking him. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"It's okay, Harry, it's okay," Chuck said. He didn't know how long he was there, nor did he really care. No one had held him like that for a long time.
He eventually wore himself out. He must have, because when he awoke he was laying on the couch still, but there were three voices in the kitchen. They were not talking loudly, but he could hear them nonetheless.
"He doesn't want to talk to you," Chuck said. "You've done enough to him."
"I just want to talk to him," Hermione said. God, why was she here? How did she find him? Couldn't she leave well enough alone? He closed his eyes, groaning lightly at the sunlight that now flooded the room. They must have opened the curtains. Their voices were mushing together, and were too loud for him to handle. He needed to get out of here. His office seemed like a good place to hide at.
He apparated out of there quickly, not wanted to stay any longer than he had to stay. The Andres knew he used magic, since both of their boys where showing signs of being wizards, it made things a lot easier. He hoped they didn't freak out too badly since he left. But he couldn't be there, not then, maybe not for a while.
I0I
"That was Kenny Rogers new one, I Can't Unlove You," Harry said. He had moved back into his apartment, stating he needed some time on his own. He was now almost done with his first week of sobriety. The first few days clean were the hardest. Today was always the hardest.
He was back to his show, trying to clean up the mess that had been made in his absence. Not that they did a poor job, it was just that that the regular callers felt that the man in his place failed to help them as he did. "Coming up next, nonstop block of songs that sooth the soul." Harry started up the tracks, leaning back in his chair. He wanted to relax, but never found the motivation to relax. Even after all of the years gone by.
"Harry, you coming by for dinner tomorrow night?" This was the same question that Chuck had been asking for a while. He shook his head, knowing that the man was trying to help him. He didn't want help right now. He needed to take his first steps alone, then maybe he'd accept some help.
"Harry, she's on line One, should I drop her?" Chuck had to stick his head through the door, taking the time to ask him this time.
"She know its me?" Harry asked, setting up for the call. Chuck shook his head. Harry could not help but let a breath of relief escape as he waved him on. A few minutes passed as Harry prepared himself, and wished from some liquid courage, then cursed himself for the thought.
"Hello darling," Harry said into the microphone. "Its nice to hear from you again.
"Thank you," Hermione replied. "I was hoping that you could help me with a problem of mine."
"I'm here to help you however you need it," he said. In the background, he turned on a soft jazz song, not conscious of the title at the moment.
"Well, its in regards to my best friend," Hermione said. "I haven't talked to him, for a while now, almost six years now, and I don't know how to approach him." There was a pause, and Harry took the moment to gather his own strength. "He reacted badly to me when I tried to talk to him in public. I just don't know what to do anymore." The silence was deafening, with the exception of a haunting melody in the background.
"Did you apologize?" Harry asked.
"Yes," Hermione said between sniffles.
"Did you mean it?" Harry asked. There was a pause again, more sniffles. He took the initiative at this point. "Did you tell him exactly why you did what you did, explain to him what happened and that you need him back in your life?" There was another silence, and Harry could not help but chuckle, thinking of her. "Love, you can't shake your head on the radio, unless you've got rock's in your head, then you can." She laughed at this and seemed to relax a bit, more than he could at least.
"No, I didn't," Hermione said. "What if he won't listen to me?" Harry sighed, scratching his head for a moment. He was the one that needed to make the choice, would he listen?
"Try once more, and call me back if it doesn't work out. I'll set up a mediation for you two if you like," Harry offered. That would not be necessary though, he'd talk to her. She made the first step, like he had wanted her to, now it was his turn to act.
"Oh thank you so much," Hermione said. Harry could not help but smile at her antics, she always could make him smile.
"No problem love, and remember," he said with a smile, the first one he had on his face for a long time. The first real smile he had. "Mister Midnight is always here to help with matters of the heart."
"Thank you....and could you do one more thing for me?" Hermione's voice had grown soft and unsure again.
"Anything for you sunshine," Harry said. He froze slightly, mentally kicking himself. He had called her that all the time when they were dating. There was a pause in the conversation, but Hermione continued nonetheless.
"Could you play a song for me?" Hermione asked. "If you can't its okay, but it would mean a lot to me if you could."
"Which one?" Harry asked. He brought up his library, ready to find her search.
"Bridge Over Troubled Water" Hermione said. "By Simon and Garfunkel."
"That I can do," Harry said, quickly finding the song and placing it near the top of the list. "It'll be on shortly."
"Thank you so much......um....bye," she said, hanging up the phone quickly. He laughed lightly and let the next song play. Turning around, he found Chuck leaning against the door frame.
"Better," Chuck asked. Harry shook his head, moving his hand toward the bottle of water he kept with him. His hand began to shake, something it had done on and off over the last few days as he went through withdrawal. He'd come out of it on top though, he'd not give in again. One day at a time. One step at a time.
"Nope," he said. "But I'm getting there."
I0I
Hermione had some how gotten the phone number of the house from Shirley after she left them the week before. And sure enough, bright and early, Hermione called, asking if she could speak to Harry. The disappointment in her voice when he told her he had to leave for a class surprised him. He didn't think it was going to be that big of a deal, especially if she was with Ron. She sounded much happier when he said she could leave her number with Shirley and he'd call her back.
He begrudgingly moved back in with the Andres, to the boys' delight. Not that he didn't like living there, he just felt better under his own roof. Where he wasn't being watched like he was about to break every moment.
Harry especially did not like coming back from the university only to be bombarded with half a dozen questions per second about Hermione from Shirley. That he could have definitely done without.
"Hermione?" He managed to call the number she left, hopefully a cell and not a home phone. And if she wasn't there, all the better, he tried, he said he'd call back and....
"Harry!" Hermione's ecstatic voice was on the other end. He had to pull the phone away from him at how loud she was. "I can't believe you called me back. I had almost thought you had forgotten."
"I said I'd call and I did," Harry said with a smile. Shirley was running around, getting ready for a date she had with Chuck. It was his night off, at Harry's insistence, and the two of them were going out on a date. He was taking the night off as well, knowing that the block of rock and country he had scheduled should handle most everything his regulars asked for. She handed Ashely swiftly to Harry as she moved around, finishing her hair. "So what did you call about?"
"I wanted to know if you would like to get together sometime, so I could explain myself," Hermione said. Her voice had grown self-conscious as she spoke. "Maybe catch up on everything as well."
Harry took a deep breath, knowing how difficult it must have been for her to call him and ask this. But she had made the first step, that was all he had ever asked for. Nodding to himself, he smiling down at Ashley as he spoke. "Sure," he said. "I think.....I think that might be a good idea."
"Oh Harry, thank you so much," Hermione said. "So would you like to meet tonight?" Her voice sounded so hopeful, and it hurt him to let her down.
"I can't, sorry," Harry said, laughing lightly as Tommy and Kevin ran from their father who looked like he was trying to tie a tie as he did.
"Hot date?" Her words didn't hold the same happiness or joy that they had only a few moments ago, and he pushed those thoughts aside as to why. They were friends, or at least going to try and see if they still were.
"With a eight month old that loves to chew on my fingers," Harry said with a laugh. He heard Hermione's slight laugh, hiding something.
"So how about sometime this week?" Hermione asked. Her voice was hopeful again.
"Does lunch work with you? My job would interfere if it was any later," Harry asked, knowing she'd most likely agree. Maybe this would bring him the amount of closure he was looking for, so he could move on. Maybe, if he was lucky.
"No, lunch is good, how about tomorrow?" Hermione asked.
"Sounds great, any place in particular?" Harry let the smile grow on his face. He doubted he had ever heard someone sounds as happy as Hermione did right now. Chuck had won the fight with his tie and raised an eyebrow in Harry's direction
"How about the pub I met you at?" Hermione asked. Again with the hopeful tone. Had he ever refused her of anything? Which was part of the problem.
"Sounds great, I'm usually there after my classes at about 12, maybe 11:45 if traffic isn't bad," Harry said. He waved off Chuck's question as he took Ashley from him. He really wanted the time to think of how he was going to handle everything.
"I'll be there by 11:30," Hermione said. "Thank you so much, Harry. I promise, I'll try and explain everything. Just know that I'm sorry."
"Hermione, its okay, we'll talk about it tomorrow," Harry said. There was a pause, and immediately he knew that Hermione did not want to hang up, and he surprised himself, neither did he. "Hermione would you be terribly upset with me if I hang up first?"
"No," she said. There was a question in her voice, as if she was unsure of what he was asking. "Are you going to go?" She sounded disappointed again, something he hated to hear in her voice. He could not say why, even after all these years, even after what she did to him.
"I'm sorry, I kinda have to," Harry said. "Chuck and Shirley are heading out and I'm babysitting their kids tonight."
"Oh, okay," Hermione said. "I guess this is goodbye then."
"For now," Harry said. "I will see you tomorrow, remember that."
"I know, it's just..." Hermione said. Her voice trailed off and before he could ask what was wrong, she said her goodbyes and hung up. Harry looked at the receiver for a moment before placing the phone down. Hermione certainly still lacked emotional confidence as she was when he had started dating her.
He saw Chuck and Shirley, dressed up for their dinner date. "Have fun you two."
"Harry, you sure you will be okay?" She asked.
"Responsibility is a good motivator to keep away from the drink," Harry said. He couldn't say much more as both Tommy and Kevin launched themselves at him, facing the television across from them. They must have slid in a movie while they were talking. "Look I'll be fine, and I know you don't keep anything here anyway. We're not going to have any problems. Relax have a good time."
Harry laughed lightly at the sight of the Lion King coming onto the screen. Tonight he had a better distraction than his vice: a family.
I0I
He walked in at 11:45, like he said he would and found Hermione sitting with a salad and an iced tea, reading a book. He smiled slightly at the sight, bringing a sense of normalcy to his life. "Harry!" Hermione's eyes lit up when she noticed him.
"Hello Hermione," Harry said. He walked over to her, ready to sit down, but was surprised by the hug. "It's good to see you too." He returned the hug, trying to remember what he had planned to tell her. Now all that was out of the window.
"Oh, I'm so sorry," she said. As she pulled back, he could see the tears in her eyes. "You have to let me explain." She made him sit down and then she went back to her seat, pushing aside both her books and her lunch for the moment.
"That's what this is all about isn't it?" Harry asked. He gave Shirley a smile as she dropped off his meal for the day.
"Did you phone the order in?" Hermione asked, surprised at how fast he was served.
"I eat here just about every day, same thing," Harry said. "Soup of the day, today it looks like vegetable, with the fish of the day, grilled of course, with steamed vegetables of some sort and a glass of milk to wash it down." He returned her smile as he tried the soup which was as good as ever.
"Do you mind if I begin while you eat?" Hermione asked. Harry shook his head, beginning on the fish. "I first wanted to tell you how sorry I was. Both for what I did, and then not contacting you. Both are inexcusable, and are things that I regret to this day." She looked down at this, playing with a button on her blouse. "I can't tell you why I broke up with you for him. Part of it was because I felt he was safer choice, that I was less likely to get hurt if I was with. All I know was that I was scared of what was happening between us, and it was happening so fast. You were gone so often that I felt alone, and he was there for me. He held me and it felt good to be held again." Harry pushed back his plate, losing the battle with his stomach.
"Why didn't you tell me any of this?" Harry asked. He did not make eye contact, not that he needed to to know she was crying.
"I was scared, Harry, scared that you would hate me," Hermione said.
"I did, for quite some time," Harry admitted. "It actually lead to a lot of me problems." Harry pushed the food around his plate, not looking at her. They remained quiet trying to work out what the other meant.
"What problems Harry?" Hermione finally managed to ask.
"Problems that are mine," Harry said. "I'd rather not talk about them right now. And please don't ask anymore, a favor to an old friend if you want." Hermione nodded, smiling slightly. There was another silence and now Harry felt compelled to speak. "I wasn't gone often, I was home every day."
"You worked nights Harry," Hermione said as if it would explain everything.
"Yes, and you worked days," Harry said. "If there was a problem with me working nights, you should have told me, I could have gotten it changed." He ran a hand through his hair, trying to calm down. He had forgiven her, he had to remember that. Her reasons sucked, but he had forgiven her. She just did not need to know that right now.
"Did Ron ever give you a reason, or am I just to assume he never got over you, and decided to take instead of tell me?" His eyes narrowed at this and Hermione looked away. This was the second time that Hermione had turned from him when he mentioned the name Ron.
"No, you're right, he never was over me and I guess a part of me was never over him," Hermione said.
"Would have been nice to know that before I caught the two of you in our bed," Harry muttered.
"Harry, I swear to you, that was the first time that we ever had sex," Hermione pleaded. "We were out with friends, and we just got out of hand with the drinking I guess."
"I can understand the getting out of hand part," Harry said, remembering his own drunken escapades. None of which were tales of pride or fun for him. He moved his hands to his lap, feeling a shake coming on. "So, what are you up to now?" She didn't need to know about that weakness in him.
"I am a teacher still," Hermione said. He wasn't surprised; she had gotten the job straight out of Hogwarts and had excelled at it immediately. "Its been hard though returning to Hogwarts when so many things made me remember of the friendship I had ruined." Harry nodded, understanding her reaction to Hogwarts. It was part of his reason for leaving the magical world; everything reminded him of Hermione in some way. "How about you, what do you do?"
"This young man is an entrepreneur," Shirley said, dropping off two slices of cheesecake. She gave Harry a smile as she left. He shook his head before going back to his lunch, leaving the cheesecake alone for the moment.
"What does that mean?" Hermione asked as Harry finished off his soup.
"It means I own several business and operate one of them," Harry replied. "The pub is one of them and a book store down the street is another that I own. Turned them both around rather quickly too." He shrugged his shoulders. "I'm also working on my masters currently." Hermione's eyes sparked at this, clearly surprised.
"In what?" Harry could not help but smile.
"Psychology," Harry said, finishing off the grilled salmon and vegetables. "Interesting subject, but you can't do anything with just a degree in it. I'll be moving onto my doctorate soon, within the next month or so if I graduate." He shrugged his shoulders again.
"Harry, stop being modest, that's wonderful. And I'm positive you'll graduate," Hermione said. He could not help but blush under her gaze. While the Andres had told them that as well, hearing Hermione say it meant a lot more to him then he'd like to admit. "You'll be Dr. Potter then won't you?"
"Maybe, I still like being just Harry though," Harry admitted. She smiled again at this.
"You'll always be just Harry to me," Hermione said. It was her turn to blush at her comment. Another silence enveloped them.
"You should really try the cheesecake," Harry said, taking a bit of his.
"Oh," Hermione said. She turned to the dessert, taking a bit of it before closing her eyes.
"Good?" Harry asked, silently hoping so. She nodded before taking another bite.
"It should be, took me forever to get Harry's recipe just right," Shirley said, taking away their dirty plates. Hermione looked over at him again in awe.
"Why do you think I eat such a good lunch?" Harry asked. "Thing's richer than anything else I've ever made." He blushed under her stare.
"He gave the recipe to us after watching him take it out and eat it after his meal. Several other customers had asked for some, and I didn't know. Finally worked up the courage to ask him for it one day," Shirley said. "This was about a month after he had bought the place, but never told anyone that he was the owner."
"How long have you owned this place?" Hermione asked. Harry blushed again, turning away. Her look of awe was something always set him on edge, always made him feel good about what he was doing.
"Over four years now," Shirley said. "Hasn't paid a dime for a meal since then either. Refused to take any profit, instead putting it all back into the pub, with better food and bonuses." Shirley shook her head, moving onto other customers.
"You don't pay for meals?" Harry shrugged his shoulders at the question.
"Not usually, unless I'm out with someone," Harry said. He let out a sigh as one of his secrets was out. "They cornered me after they learned that I was putting all the money into their bonuses and tips. I really don't need it, making too much money with some of the other business that I've got too."
"How many business do you have?" Hermione asked as finished off his piece cheesecake.
"Four normal ones, including the book store and this pub," Harry said. "Then I hold the majority interest in about six wizard businesses right now, including the Quibbler. Luna and I managed to work something out after her father died."
"The Quibbler is the most bought paper in the Wizarding World Harry," Hermione said. She shook her head, before confusion covered her face. "I didn't know you were in contact with Luna."
"I was, still am actually," Harry admitted. "We met one day before I left the Wizarding World for the most part, and we had lunch. She told me her problem, and I offered a solution, with a stipulation. She took it, and then has helped me obtain other businesses."
"You two put the Prophet out of business Harry," Hermione said. "Ginny was working there." There was no anger in the statement, just curiosity.
"Just business Hermione, I didn't know, no one cared to inform me of anyone's current occupation so I did what was necessary to make my businesses successful." Harry leaned back and let it all sink in. "It was Luna that told me that the Cannons where in trouble financially, so I bought them out, hired a productive manager and turned around the team."
"The Cannons have one of the best records right now Harry, they have for the last year or so," Hermione said. "Why did you do all this? Help out Luna. Even Ron. He was traded to the Cannons you know?" Harry shrugged his shoulders.
"What do you want me to say?" Harry asked. "I've had to find things to keep me occupied, and my mind off the problems you left me."
"How many problems did I cause?" Hermione asked. The question was more toward herself than toward Harry, yet he felt the need to answer it.
"None that I didn't play a hand in myself," Harry said. He took her hand in his own, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I know you've changed Hermione, and so have I. We're different people then we were six years ago. I think I'd like to become your friend again, Hermione."
"I'd like to be your friend again too," Hermione admitted. She was blushing again as he held her hand. "Would you like to know what everyone else is doing?" The question seemed geared at removing the tension that had settled between them.
"That would be nice," Harry said. "Luna was left out of the loop too. So I'm pretty far out of it I guess." He shrugged his shoulders, showing no hard feelings.
"Ginny and Luna had a falling out after the Quibbler became the number one paper," Hermione said. "Luna offered her a job, but Ginny turned it down, too stubborn to admit that Quibbler was a better paper. Which is it, even with her more adventurous articles."
"I persuaded her to higher reputable reporters to do a great deal of the day-to-day writing," Harry said with a smile. "That gave her time to research and focus on her own stories. She's proven one or two of them already. Fascinating really."
"I know, which is why I'm a subscriber," Hermione said with a blush. "When she fully researches something, I can't help but feel that there is some truth to them."
"She'll be glad to hear that, she's always looked up to you," Harry said. Hermione stared at him for a few moments, evidently surprised by his statement. "You are one of the smartest people in the Wizarding World Hermione, you don't think that your approval on one of her research projects wouldn't mean anything to her?" Hermione sat back in her chair, silenced by Harry's words.
"When are you meeting with Luna again?" Hermione asked. "I think it'd be nice to see her again."
"In about a week. We meet about once a month to just catch up and talk," Harry said. "We're a comfort to each other." Hermione nodded, but did not make eye contact with him.
"Did you two date?" Hermione asked. Harry was caught off guard by the question, and smiled with a shake of his head.
"Things between us are too complicated for that," he said with a laugh. "Tell you what, I'll ask her if we could meet at her place. Might help explain a few things." Hermione nodded, her smile a little wider than it was before. "So care to tell me how Remus is doing? Are he and Tonks still together?"
"They've been married a little less then a year," Hermione said, not looking at him. Harry looked at her, nodding. While he had wished to be invited, and it hurt that he wasn't, it was their choice. "Mrs. Weasley took over the planning." Harry looked up at Hermione for a moment, understanding everything now. Molly had been the one that pushed Ron the hardest to get together with Hermione. "What happened between the two of you?"
"We had a falling out," Harry said. "She was trying to be my mother, but I wasn't looking for one."
"When was this?" Hermione asked. It obviously was news to her.
"About two days before I caught you," Harry said. Molly held a lot more of the blame for his current state then he thought. "I kinda figured Molly pressured you into going out with Ron." Hermione nodded.
"Its really no excuse though," she said.
"No it isn't," he said. He looked at her for a moment before shaking his head. He had to stop it, she was over him. That much was obvious. She still has Ron, who was successful, why would she need him in her life? "Where do we go from here?" His question was soft, and he regretted asking it immediately. Yet part of him felt he needed to say it.
"I don't know Harry," Hermione said. Her voice was just as soft, but she reached for his hand, holding onto it tightly. "But I want you to know that I did not intentionally shut you out of my life. I never meant to hurt. But I did, and now I want to make up for it." Harry nodded, squeezing her hand. He needed to call Luna or someone, just to talk his way through the want.
"I've got to head out, and make a few calls," Harry said. He opened his wallet and placed a tip on the table. He knew Shirley would be angry, and the money would be placed in the profits, but he always did it, no matter what she or anybody else said. He took care of his workers. "I'll give you a call when I set something up with Luna." Hermione stood as well. "It was great talking to you again Hermione." He turned to leave, only to stop at the arms that were around him. He turned and wrapped his own arms around her, trying to hold back the feelings he still had for her.
"If I have to spend the rest of my life making it up to you Harry, I will," Hermione whispered. She kissed his cheek. "You better call me." She said with a smile as she left. Harry watched her go, shaking his head. He really need to talk to Luna or Chuck to work through the damn want to drink.
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