Harry didn't go into work that day, or the next for that matter. He had called in and begun to move all of his things out of his flat, and back into Godric's Hollow, his parents home. He had finally rebuilt it and felt that it would be a good place to raise a family. If he ever managed to settle down.
The Wizarding World was up in arms that he had moved back, their first real Potter sighting in ages. They would have swarmed his new home, had he not hidden his home under the Fidelius. Now he could relax a bit, away from everyone and try to work out his problems. Rocking in a chair on his front porch, he watched the sun set, trying to read through his book on PTSD.
"I'm not surprised," Harry finally commented as he heard the heavy footsteps approach with a pair of lighter ones. "Luna tell you where to find me?"
"No, she's quite upset with us," the man said. "We wanted to-"
"Save it," Harry said. He looked up at the faces of the Lupins, well Lupin and Tonks. He wasn't quite sure that she had taken his name.
"That's quite rude Harry," Tonks said.
"So is not inviting me to the wedding of my father's best friend," Harry said. He dropped his gaze back to his book.
"Harry, we're-" Tonks started then stopped. He looked back up them, trying to not look hurt. When it really did. A lot.
"We wanted you to come Harry," Lupin said.
"Then I would have gotten an invitation, but I didn't and that's okay, people change," Harry said. He marked the page and stood up. "Can I offer you a drink?"
"What do you have?" Tonks responded first.
"Not much," Harry said. He gave them a sad smile before motioning them in. He believed in forgiveness above all else. People just had to admit when they were wrong, including himself.
Getting them both butterbeers and himself a lemonade, he sat down in his den, letting them take the love chair as he took the one next to his fireplace. "So what brings you here?" Harry said.
"We want to apologize," Lupin said.
"We've already established that," Harry said. He looked between the two of them. "Now, I want to know why after all this time you decide to apologize." He took the moment of silence to push out any questions in regards to Hermione.
"Hermione came to us, saying that we had to make the first step," Tonks said. Harry just nodded, knowing that she would have. "We were planning on inviting you Harry, then Molly took over everything. I only found out after the wedding that you didn't get an invitation, we thought you just didn't reply."
"If you had wanted me there, I would have gone," Harry said.
"We did want you to come Harry," Tonks said. He stared at her, failing to see how she missed his logic.
"Then you would have contacted me yourself, instead of relying on someone else to send out the invitations, relying on someone else to get my correspondence," Harry said.
"Everyone just thought you needed some time Harry to work things through," Lupin said. Harry leaned back in his chair, looking over his hands as he held them in fisted front of him. He didn't say anything, instead waiting for Lupin to continue. Much easier to listen to Hermione. Now was not the time for that voice to talk to him though. He just stared at Lupin, while he pushed away his conscience. "We....I thought you still weren't over Hermione."
"Lupin," Harry said. He didn't mean for his voice to be as rude as it was, but the flinch in both of them made him pause. "I am not and may never be over her. But that has nothing to do with your lack of trust in me.
"All I wanted was to know that there were people there to help me get through the problems in my life." Harry stood from his seat, moving to the fireplace where a picture of his parents rested on the mantel. "These last six years have only led me to believe what I learned at the Dursley's to be true. I can only trust myself. Even then not much." He looked back at them, trying to remain calm. "I lost everyone I ever cared about, and you know the only person that even came looking for me was Luna. That she was the only person that cared enough to find me and make sure I was alright."
"Harry, we-" Lupin started, but stopped at Tonks's hand on his arm.
"We all were doing what we thought was best for you, but we never talked to you about it," she said.
"Yeah, lot of good that did anyone," Harry said. He turned away, wiping the tears from his eyes. He could still remember those empty nights where the cold seeped through the covers, past his skin, even the person he was fucking at the time, and into him. He wasn't going to take that anymore.
"We did try to find you Harry, but you didn't want to be found," Tonks said.
"Who looked for me? I've been enrolled at Oxford for the last six years," Harry said. "Did anyone bother asking Minerva where I could possibly be? She knew, helped set up the scholarship for me."
"We all looked for you Harry," Lupin said, growing angry with him. The lycanthropy had slowed in the last years, a development from Hermione in the Wolfsbane potion. Yet that did not tame the beast that was within him.
"Then who talked to her? Who asked her where I was?" Harry said. "Ron? Hermione?" Harry glared down the older man, forcing him back into the love seat next to Tonks. "Did anyone bother to corroborate the story, or just accept it for face value?"
"Ron was the one who spent the most time out looking for you, he left days on end to look for you," Lupin said. Tonks was looking at her feet now, being to look ashamed at their actions. Lupin still had a bit to go before he got there.
"The only thing Ron has done for me in the last six years is force me to leave the world that I saved because he could not handle his wants and insecurities, and he needed other people to do that for him," Harry said. "He got drunk with Hermione, slept with her, in my bed no less, and then used his mother to force everyone against me. Just so he could get what he wanted."
"Harry, it wasn't like that," Lupin said.
"Then what is it like?" Harry countered. "Explain to me how it all went down because apparently, I'm missing a piece of the puzzle."
"Ron said he talked to her," Tonks said. "None of us bothered to ask again after that. Or even to check with her."
"Well, there you go," Harry said, sitting back in his chair. "Then it is possible that Ron really never talked to Minerva, and that she did know where I was." Once again Tonks stopped Lupin from speaking.
"You're right Harry," she said. Both him and Lupin looked at her, surprised. He wasn't expecting that so soon. "Out of everything we did, we should have still talked to you. Instead of waiting for you to talk to us."
"That is one of the biggest problems people have with friends who are mentally troubled," Harry said. "They wait for that person to admit the problem, instead of addressing it themselves. Thinking it will be better for them. But it isn't. I needed help, and no one was offering it. I needed friends that supported me, and while you all had the best intentions with leaving me on my own, that only made things worse." He looked out the window, where he knew Luna and Mary would be arriving up the road when they came for dinner. "The way to hell is paved with the best intentions, which is why I needed to leave. Because everyone's best intentions were killing me."
"I know Harry," Tonks said. He gave her a sad smile; she did understand. He had read about how Law Enforcement officials often fail to communicate their emotions about the job outside of anyone who had ever experienced it. While he doubted she understood everything that he felt, Tonks did at least have an idea of what he was feeling.
"Can I offer you some dinner? Luna's joining me, and I think you two owe her an apology as well," Harry said. He held up his hand stopping them from speaking. "While you may not have been friends with her, it doesn't mean she didn't value your opinions. If you want the truth, she helped me because she recognized the problem with me and tried to solve it. I'm not saying that it worked but more than anything, I appreciate her effort."
"We'd like to stay Harry," Tonks said, again answering for her and Lupin. He nodded before standing up.
"Feel free to look around," Harry said. "Just don't go into the master bedroom please." He gave them a smile before walking into the kitchen. He figured the two of them needed to talk between themselves for a while and seemed like it was time to start that roast of his he was going to make for the evening.
"We having company tonight?" Harry turned to see Luna holding Mary's hand as she entered from the kitchen back door.
"Remus and Tonks stopped by," he said, moving away from the potatoes he had been cutting up. Mary looked up at her mother once before taking off and wrapping her arms around his legs.
"That was nice of them," Luna said. After he lifted Mary off the ground, he walked over to her. Kissing her cheek, he could not help but see a little worry in her eyes.
"What's wrong?" Harry said. She looked like she could break down any minute. "Mary, you want to go play for a little bit?"
"Can I play castle?" She asked excitedly. Harry could not help the smile that formed. He had made up a room for any of the kids that came that visited, or when he had them. Right now it was only Mary, but he was happy with that.
"Sure," he said, letting her down as she took off up the stairs to the room. He turned back to Luna, motioning for her to take a seat. He moved his chair next to hers, trying to off as much comfort as he could. "What's wrong?" He waved his hand, letting the magic completely the meal for him. It may not be as good as when he cooked, but they'd all be fine with what they got.
"I saw Ronald today," Luna said. She took his hand in hers holding onto it tightly with both hers.
"What did he do?" He didn't want to jump to conclusions, but Harry felt that whatever Ron did to warrant Luna's tears, Ron deserved a beating for.
"He walked up to me, asked me how I was doing," Luna said, trying to dry her eyes with handkerchief. "He started to hit on me, like he wanted to go out with me."
"What did you say?" Harry asked. Luna had long held a crush on Ron, but it was dying over the years. He just hoped that Ron didn't hurt her too badly. Because he'd climb back out of hell to drag Ron down with him again.
"I didn't get the chance," Luna said. Harry took the handkerchief from her, dabbing her eyes. "Mary came around the corner, and he saw her." He took her into a hug, pulling her as close as he could. She broke down, leaning into him. He vaguely waved his hand behind him, letting the meal continue making itself. "He just left."
"It sounds like Ron may never be ready for responsibility." Harry began to rub her back gently. They sat like that for a few moments until Luna sat back, smiling lightly.
"You going to talk to Hermione?" Luna asked. Harry nearly fell out of his chair. To say the question surprised him was an understatement.
"I wasn't planning on it," Harry said honestly. "At least in the near future." He let go of her hand, standing back up to finish the meal. "I didn't realize I needed to apologize for my actions."
"I never said that, though that might not be a bad idea," Luna said. Harry shook his head, knowing better than to argue with her. He never won an argument with Luna, especially when it came to women. "She'd like a chance to explain her self."
"She knows where to find me," Harry said. He kept his voice neutral, leaving the pain out of it.
"She said you forgave her, but I don't think you have," Luna said. "I think a part of you still hates her." He stopped, frozen at her words. "You can't let go of her one moment of weakness."
"It was not one moment, it was six years," Harry said. He wanted to be angry, but he never could with Luna. Somehow, she saw through him. Like Hermione used to be able to do. He pushed that thought out of his mind, choosing to concentrate on what was happening now.
"Maybe, but still, she failed you, and you were hurt, wouldn't you like to know why?" Luna asked.
"She already told me why," Harry said.
"No, she told you how it happened, she never said why." Her voice was calm, and Harry gripped the edge of the counter, trying to remain that calm. "She talked to me as well. She just wants to talk to you. And I think you should." He turned to face her, crossing his arms over his chest. He took several deep breaths to calm down.
"I don't know if I can again," Harry said. He ran a hand through his hair, leaning against the counter. "Its not as easy as everyone thinks, this day by day stuff." He had talked about this before with Luna, but he knew that the demons would still haunt him. "What makes it worse though, is knowing she is back in my life, and I don't know what to do about it. I've got no control over it?" He looked away, out the window above his sink. He was going to start working on the garden after some time during the next week. "The drink was something I was in control of, you know, it was something I could take when I wanted, and how much I wanted. This, this all scares me shitless."
"I'm sorry, are we interrupting anything?" Harry looked over to see Tonks and Lupin standing in the doorway of the kitchen. Harry shook his head, looking over his shoulder at the meal. Everything was set.
"Luna, can you get Mary for me?" She nodded, standing up from her seat. She brushed past Tonks and Lupin without a hello, not even looking at them. Once she was gone, Harry looked at them. "I suggest apologizing to her when she gets back. If you two are going to be apart of my life again, you have to accept that she is a large part of it." Lupin nodded, but did not say anything. "Lets head to the dinning room, I've got the table set up already." He led them there, knowing that they would be asking him several questions shortly.
"Are you two dating?" Tonks got out before they had even reached the room. Harry shook his head, smiling slightly.
"We tried it, and that didn't work," Harry said. He heard Mary plowing down the stairs and turned to catch her as she launched herself into his arms. "Things are a little more complicated then that." Mary looked out from his neck at Tonks and Lupin before hiding again. "Mary, I'd like to introduce you to some of my old friends. Nymphadora Tonks-Lupin and Remus Lupin."
"Hi," she said, looking out for a second before hiding again.
"She's a little shy," Harry said. He waved his hand toward the kitchen, letting the meal float its way into the room. "Please take a seat." He sat down at the head of the table, letting Mary sit next to him. Tonks sat down next to Mary, much to both Luna and Harry's surprise. He shrugged his shoulders as Luna sat next to him. Lupin took his seat across from Tonks, before looking at Harry.
"I want to apologize," he started, "I judged you how I thought you should act. Before I knew everything that was going on."
"What is going on?" Harry asked, taking a sip from his water. He watched as Tonks changed her hair color and length for Mary, causing the little girl to squeal with delight. He remembered a similar scene with Tonks, Ginny and Hermione from his fifth year. Shaking the thought out of his head, he nodded for Lupin to continue.
"Molly has changed, the war changed us all I guess," Lupin said. Harry began to pass around the meal, a distracting action at most, but welcome nonetheless. "She's working hard to get her family the way she wants it to be. And when it doesn't happen, everyone pays the price for it. Arthur I think has given up trying to rein her in."
"Why doesn't anybody stand up to her?" Harry asked. He held up his hand, knowing the question was stupid. "You end up like me, outside the "family." Sounds like the mob." Lupin snorted at this, nodding his head.
"Might as well be," he said.
"We'd like to catch up on everything with you, if that's alright?" Tonks asked. Harry nodded, placing some food onto Mary's plate. She scowled, at the peas, pushing them away from the mashed potatoes he had just put on there. Harry gave her a look before Tonks's face shown with thought. "Luna, we're sorry that we pushed you out of our lives. We didn't know our opinions mattered to you."
"Everyone's opinions matter, its just the idea that some are more important than others that causes problems between people," Luna said. Harry gave her a sad smile before squeezing her hand. He nodded to Tonks, knowing that Luna had accepted the apology in her own way.
He let the conversation settle into a comfortable silence, with news being related about their lives floating back and forth, here and there between bites. He didn't mean for his mind to wonder to Hermione, in fact he had specifically told it not to, but it did. And now that it had, he could not help but worry if Luna was right. Did he truly forgive her?
I0I
"Its Mister Midnight, alone and blue," Harry said softly into the microphone. "The brokenhearted call me up, when they don't know what else to do. Every song is a reminder of a love, they once knew. I'm Mister Midnight, can I play a song for you?"
It was now a month after Hermione walked out of his life, again. He still worked at the station, though he cut back his hours. He didn't feel the need to go on so often. He switched from the weekday evenings to the weekend, working only Friday through Saturday. Moved Chuck onto a daytime show, which made Shirley happy to no end. He still had dinner with them, and stopped in every now and then to see how Chuck was doing on the show. Kids missed him, but that was life.
Luna and Mary were doing fine, meeting regularly with Bill and Fleur. Mary was getting along great with their son, Glenn, which only caused Luna to reconcile with Bill faster. Fleur and Luna hit it off like nothing had happened between them, which Harry realized that nothing wrong did happen between them.
He hadn't signed up for the next set of courses, choosing to take some time off before he went for his doctorate. He wanted some time to himself, and to work on getting everything set in his life. He spent too much time trying to hid everything that he now just wanted to work on it.
He ran the show now by himself for the most part, beyond the tech support he got. It was more difficult at first, and it took a while for his regulars to adjust, but in the end, it made things easier for him.
"Hello darling, you on the air," he said, picking up the caller on line three. So his night started. He looked up, slightly surprised to see Chuck standing in the doorway. Setting up his next round of songs, Harry took off the set of headphones he used. "What's up?" While it wasn't uncommon for Chuck to stop in on him either, he had thought that Chuck and Shirley were spending the night together.
"Got a caller out here, said you promised a face to face mediation if her apology didn't work out," Chuck said. He moved into the room, letting Hermione walk in after him. Her face was downcast, he could not see her, but when she glanced up with a small smile, he could see there had been tears in her eyes. He turned back to the screen in front of him, Whiskey Lullaby was next. How appropriate.
Enough was enough. He was tired of being the good guy, hiding his anger. Maybe if he let it out, to where some of it belonged, he might be able to move on. He turned off the microphone, offering a seat to her. She took it, but he did not meet her gaze. His was locked on Chuck.
"We'll talk about this later," he told the older man.
"Harry, we're just-" Harry glared at him, knowing that Chuck thought he was helping. Chuck let out a sigh and left them, closing the door behind him.
"You're angry," Hermione said. He nodded, his eyes going to the CD racks. "You going to yell at me."
"I learned a long time ago that yelling never solves anything," Harry said. "That I can be mad and not raise my voice." He left out that it hurts worse, but he figured she already knew that.
"Now, I know you want to say something," Harry said. He got out of his chair moving over to the racks of CDs. He pulled out a box set of Merle, opening it and starting at its contents. "But its going to have to wait a moment. I've got my share to say first." She nodded as he took the box set back to his seat before taking out the glass and the full bottle of Jack. He sat them on the desk, ignoring her gasp for a moment. "You've known me long enough to know that I like to hide my emotions. Whether burying them in myself or the bottle, that was what I did. You had all the answers. That's what you did.
"But times change, people change, I've changed," Harry said. He spun the bottle in his hands for a moment before letting it settle. "I no longer hide my problems like that, I'm trying to address them, head on. So that's what this is going to be about. My problems, not yours right now, mine. I think I can be selfish for once." He saw her nod out of the corner of his eye. He tried not to smile as he looked at her for a moment. She wasn't looking at him, her eyes glued to some spoke on the floor. With a sigh, he continued.
"I want to know why, why you decided what we had wasn't good enough, why I wasn't good enough," Harry said. "I've spent a lifetime with people wanting me to be someone I'm not, including myself, so that's understanding if you never did love me. That I wasn't what you wanted. But I don't think that was the case. Or rather, I choose not to believe that was the case." He surprised himself with how even his voice was, but his eyes never left the bottle. "I've come to a conclusion though, one logical and painful."
"I hate myself," he said. He paused here. He felt outside his body as his hand went up and wrapped around the bottle. "I hate the fact that I can't get up in the morning without wanting a drink. I hate that I want that drink in the first place, knowing that it is going to kill me. I hate that my life is at the point where I know I need to move on in it, but I can't. I hate that my family abandoned me, and that I did not have the stones to walk back. I hate that I can't go a day without thinking about how I pushed you to your decision." With his other hand, he felt himself wipe away the tears on his face.
"I hate every day, because I know its one without any hope for me in it. I hate the sun because it shines when I want it to rain, so I can cry and no one will see. I hate who I've become, and who I was." He opened the bottle and filled it to the brim. He watched the amber fall and swirl in the glass. He could feel the fire burning down his throat just staring at glass. "I hate how I can't spend a day without thinking of you. Most of all, I hate that I never stopped loving you, despite all you have done to me." He didn't know how long they sat there, but he finally spoke again.
"But now, I've got two choices for you." He looked at her this point, his eyes tearing away from the bottle. "I got go on in my life, and you can go on yours. This would constitute you leaving and me drinking this bottle. Or, we could try something else. You tell me why you did this. And don't give me this crap that you were drunk, don't tell me that. You are a better person than that, better than me. So tell. I want to know. Why did you crush me like that?" He didn't realize that his voice had rose in volume, only at the end when he finally had to sit back down.
"I don't know what to tell you Harry," Hermione said. Her voice was so small, and she looked like it as she sat in the chair. "I...I...." She hadn't brought her gaze up to his since she entered. He took the glass before holding it out to her. She looked up at him, questioning him.
"I'm not giving you a choice." His voice was calm again. "I want to know why you did what you did." She took the glass, holding it though. She didn't drink from it.
"Back when we were living together," Hermione started. "I don't know when it started, but it had to be when you started working nights. Ron would come over, and we'd talk, just talk." She took a drink at this point and shudder as it went down. "How could you drink this stuff?" She asked. Harry chuckled lightly at her disgusted look. She blushed and chanced a look up before resuming her gaze on the floor.
"It felt nice, to be with someone who I could talk to, like how it was for us, we'd talk about everything, and anything," Hermione said. "He listened to me, which I know you did too, but at the time, it just surprised me more. I expected it from you, and took you for granted. With Ron, it seemed like this whole new side of him, that he shared just with me." She mumbled the last part into the glass as she took another drink.
"What was that?" Harry asked. He leaned forward, glancing at the play list as he did so. Mad World was next.
"It made me feel special," she said, looking ashamed. He fell back, as if slapped. The one and only thing he ever tried to do for Hermione was make her feel special. "It was nothing you did Harry, I promise you that."
"Doesn't change the fact," he muttered. He thought back, trying to find a time when he may have messed. An anniversary he forget, a birthday he missed. None. "You just talked?"
"Yeah, that's how it started, we talked, went out sometimes, sometimes we stayed in. We watched a movie from time to time," Hermione said. Harry stood up, beginning to pace the small room. She may have kept talking, but he didn't hear her.
"He was dating you, while you were my girlfriend," Harry muttered.
"No, Harry it wasn't like that, really, we were just friends," Hermione pleaded with him. He didn't notice her, trying to piece everything together.
The nights he'd get back from work early, and they'd be out. Oh, they left a note, saying they just went out for drinks. Or the time he found them on the couch, watching some movie. He was too tired to notice, but they were awful close together. How could he have been so blind?
He looked at the bottle on the desk and walked over to it, taking it before walking out the door. He was done, he didn't care anymore. He looked back at the room where Hermione still sat and ran a hand through his hair. He turned back to the hallway, before walking down it. He didn't want to hear anymore.
"Harry, please, say something, anything," Hermione begged. She had caught up with at the end of hallway.
"What do you want me to say?" Harry asked. He kept his back to her, not wanting her to see him like this. Not wanting her to see the tears she caused, though he knew she deserved to be hurt for what she did. "You were dating him while with me, you cheated on me."
"No, I didn't, it wasn't like that," Hermione pleaded. It sounded like she was crying, but he didn't want to look back.
"What you say, and what you did are too completely different things," Harry kept his voice level. He could see the next cleaning staff coming by with a large garbage can. "I guess I just wasn't special enough." He said as he walked in front of the janitor.
He dropped the bottle into the trash can, never looking back at Hermione as he stepped into the elevator. He didn't want to see her tears. And more importantly, he didn't want her to see his.
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