Harry had gotten home that night relatively easily. It was when he sat in the chair in his den, staring into the dying embers of the fire, did he let it all hit him. He did not know what to do anymore.
He sat there, staring at the fire until it died away. Then he just sat there. His body did not want to move, he did not want to move.
He wasn't special enough. The Dursleys were right. He was a freak. Not good at anything. Not special enough.
The image of Ron and Hermione sitting in his flat on a date scarred him. He could not get it out of his mind. It was almost worse than the image of them on his bed. On their bed. Almost
The sun rose, and began to set as he sat there. He was supposed to go into work. He just could not find the motivation to stand up, let alone go to work. As the sun set, the fire started up again. It took the place of the images that were burned onto his mind. He was thankful for that. He felt sad to see it go as the sun began to rise again.
It must be nice to rise and set, without a worry or care. Sure, sometimes a blue moon comes along, and things get a little cloudy. But you're still up, moving and trying to get on with your life. Rain, sleet, or snow, the sun always rises, and the sun always sets. Sometimes you can't see it. But its there, going on no matter what. It must be nice.
The sun must have set one more time before he felt someone's hand on his shoulder. He looked up and gave Luna sad smile. "I just wasn't special enough." He was glad he got that out before he felt the tears begin to fall.
He wrapped his arms around her, awkwardly hugging her as he began to cry. She soothed him, whispering into his ear as he cried. When he finally let go, he felt himself being lifted into the air. Someone was levitating him, He wanted to look around and see who it was, he really did. But as the fire died out again, he realized that the fire was really lucky.
At least someone wanted it every now and again.
I0I
It was several weeks before they (Luna, Remus and Tonks) could get him to talk again. They moved him up to his room, and tried to help him as best as they could. Someone must have talked to Hermione since they seemed to give him some space. Well, they did, with the exception of Mary.
They got him to eat a little, which surprised them. He didn't each much and what he did wasn't too healthy either, just porridge. He could still feed himself, but for the most part, he spent his days staring out the window and nights into the fire.
They comforted him, the fire and sun. Constants. They did not disappoint him. He always knew they were there, even when could not see the sun, he knew it was there. It was good to have something so solid in his life that he could grasp onto.
He didn't feel like moving for the longest time, he really didn't. He just lay there, content without moving and content just to staring. What else could someone who wasn't special do? But Mary, bless her heart.
She came in every day, and sat on the bed with him. Some times she'd play dolls, some times she'd color. She'd offer him her crayons, and some paper when she colored. Or she'd try to get him have a tea party with her. Every day, he'd turn her down. And every day she would give him this look. It wasn't sadness, it wasn't a pout. It was just there, the look of a child asking for something. He finally took the crayon she offered and began to slowly color with her one day. It made his heart feel a little lighter after that day.
That was how Luna found them one day. Mary happily drawing a unicorn, while Harry just drew a house, and a family.
"May I see?" She asked as she sat on the edge of the bed. She took his drawing, looking at it with tears in her eyes.
It was a family. Two large men and one very skinny woman a dress were to one side of the house draw with pretty decent detail. On the other side a short black haired with green eyes stick figure stood alone. He never could draw.
"Harry, do you want to talk about it?" Luna asked as she wiped her eyes. He shook his head. "I talked to Hermione, she's a mess." Harry nodded, beginning to draw a feathered horse. Or at least, that was what it was supposed to be in his mind. "You probably should have let her explain herself more." He shrugged his shoulders as he began to draw the wings of the feathered horse. "Maybe she thought she wasn't special enough for you." Luna said, leaning forward. Harry looked at her for a moment.
"She never said that," Harry said. His voice was a harsh whispered. "She said she was dating him while she was with me."
"No, you heard she was dating him, you silly goose," Luna said. Mary giggled at this. Harry looked down at her, surprised at Mary nestled underneath his arm. When did she get there?
"She still loves you," Mary said. "She still cares for you."
"But I can't care for her, she cheated on me," Harry said, looking between the two women in his life.
"You do care, that's why it hurts so much," Luna said. She sat down next to him. "You did everything you could to forget her, but you can't. Do you really want to move on?" Harry looked at her for a moment.
Hermione was everything that he had ever wanted. She had become his reason for getting up in the morning and for going to bed at night, just so he could dream about her as he held her. He only worked because she told him to do something. He would have done anything for her. They had their differences, but he thought they had been able to work through them all, coming out as a stronger couple.
"No," he whispered. Luna kissed him on the cheek, as Mary did the same. The two were always good a cornering him, forcing him to accept their idea.
"I've set up an appointment with a psychiatrist for you tomorrow," Luna said as she got off the bed. "Its time to talked to someone about everything Harry. He's a wizard, so don't be afraid that you have to lie about your magic." She left him there, both of them knowing that she had gotten her way.
"You two are a sneaky bunch," Harry said to Mary as she giggled again. She nodded before scrunching up her face.
"You stink, go, shower." She pushed him before mustering up as much force as her three year old body could.
"Yes ma'am," Harry said, kissing her lightly on the forehead. For the first time in over a month, he got out the bed, with the intentions to get something done with his life. He felt better. Maybe Luna knew what she was doing after all. He never noticed he finished his drawing of the feathered horse, Mary had taken it. He added two people on the back, one messy blacked haired boy, one bushy brown haired girl. He drew a lot better than he thought.
I0I
Harry had met with Dr. Girard for over two months now. Twice a week for two hours each. They sat and they talked about his problems. The fact that Girard was a wizard made things even easier to talk about.
They talked about what happened with Hermione and Ron. Girard made Harry start to think that it was not his fault, that he did not do anything wrong. He showed Harry that his relationship with Hermione was not a perfect as Harry thought it was. They did fight, and Harry did not listen like he thought he had to her. More than that, there were scenes he missed about her that used to see. Like a look she gave him, when she wanted him to start talking to her. Or how she would lean against him when she had a problem she couldn't work out on her own and wanted his help. Girard made Harry realize he never really listened to her, not then and certainly not now. He had made up his mind, wanting to hear only the things that he already knew.
They talked about his relationships with the Weasleys, specifically Molly. It felt good to vent everything to an objective perspective. Girard never gave his opinion on her, just let Harry speak, which Harry was grateful for. Everything in his life that started to change after Riddle, after Hogwarts, started because Molly could not get her way. During the war, Harry chalked it up to just her self preservation kicking it, but after, when she still tried to keep her family close and in her grasp, he did not know what to think. He needed to grow up, and she would not let any of them until they did her way.
They talked about Hogwarts, and the weight that Harry felt was placed on him. That itself was a good two weeks itself. He felt like he had to conform for everybody, to become what they thought he needed to be. He had to play the hero for everyone, especially the Gryffindors. They all looked up to him, to lead the way, to fight the good fight. That was one of the few reasons he had gone on to be an Auror, because it was expected of him.
They talked about his job as an Auror, the rough detail he was put through because once again, it was expected that he exceed expectations as the Defender of the Light. He was forced into the long hours that no one else would take because of who he was. He was expected to pick up slack from those that couldn't make the cut, and berated when he failed to carry that slack. He was forced out of a social life because everyone thought that Harry Potter did not need one.
Girard made Harry talk about his childhood. Just the lack of it, rather, made Harry stonewall for quite some time. He did not want to speak about it. Girard was patient though, waited for Harry to speak first about, never pressuring him to talk about it. "No expectations." that was what Girard told him their first meeting. He eventually did, and the pain of loneliness brought by the Dursleys eased as he talked about it. It became easier over time, and Girard made sense when he said that Harry's need for approval and conforming started from the lack of positive attention as a child.
When it came to his alcoholism, Harry felt a relief being able to get a strong support from the good doctor, beyond the support group. The support group knew and understood what he was going through, but they were more likely to give him slack than anyone else. Girard wasn't. He forced the issue, making Harry confront his drinking. He had Luna sit in on the talk, and brought Chuck in for a day as well. He knew why he drank, to forget, but Girard gave him a different perspective. Or at least, one that he only voiced one other time.
Drinking gave him something to control. His life was controled by what everyone else wanted out of him, including Hermione. Everyone expected him to become someone that Harry had never met. In Girard's words, "the man here today was the man meant to be. You are becoming who you were always meant to be, by accepting you aren't superman, and that you can't hold the world on your shoulder's forever, Atlas." Harry laughed at the name Atlas; he had studied Greek Mythology in college, and it felt good to know the knowledge did not go to waste, beyond being fun to learn.
"I feel better," Harry said one day during a lunch with Luna and Mary. He had finally gotten them to move in with him, albeit temporarily as Luna put it. Mary seemed to enjoy spending more time with him, and being able to see Glenn more as Fleur set up play dates. Harry couldn't help but suspect that Fleur and Luna were already planning the wedding.
"It's no longer about what other people want from me," Harry said, looking at Mary as she ran after Glenn. He didn't know what game they were playing, but they were happy. "I guess, you're the only one that never expected anything from me." Luna gave him a smile, but said nothing. "I think, I might be ready to see Hermione again."
"Are you sure?" Luna said, turning from the salad she was making. The concern on her face was obvious. She walked over to him, taking a seat next to him.
"No, but I'm ready to hear what else she has to say," Harry said. "Have you talked to her since?" Luna looked away from a moment before nodding. "I'm not mad, just curious. She okay?"
"She certainly has been better, but between the hell you've put each other through," her voice trailed off. "She's talked to me about it, and I don't forgive her for what she did." Harry just shrugged his shoulders.
"Neither do I, but still doesn't mean I don't feel bad for her," Harry said.
"You're a better person then I am Harry Potter," Luna said. "She's blaming herself for this all, which she should be, but I think the real blame lies with Ronald." Harry nodded, letting her continue. When she got into one of her talks, it was hard to stop her. "even in school, I remember him during the meals and food would appear for him because he was still hungry and wanted more. Or when you'd help him with Quidditch or Hermione help him with his homework. Everything he did, it seemed like he always got what he wanted. Or at least you all did the best you could to give him what he wanted." She shrugged and her eyes went out of focus again. She got back up and began to finish the salad. "I've decided he's not worth it."
"You letting go?" Harry asked.
"I don't think I can find a man who can accept me like I am," Luna said with a sigh of resignation. "Not all men can be you." Harry blushed at her words.
"I'm not that good of a role model," Harry said. He paused here, thinking back to the brief attempt at a relationship. "why didn't it work between us?" Luna just gave him a sad smile.
"It just didn't," she said. "Some times thing happen without a reason, they just do and you can't figure out why." she moved the salad over to the table before taking a seat again. "I wanted it to work out. I wanted you to become a strong father for Mary, a good father like I knew you will become."
"I could be that father," Harry said. "If you give me another chance-"
"The end will be the same, it just wouldn't work," Luna said. "I wanted to make you into Mary's father, her protector, and in a way you are, but being a father is more than just protecting your child. Despite how much you care for me and Mary, I know that you could never be as good of a father to her, as you could to your own."
"How could you know that?" Harry asked, insulted. "I was there for everything for you and her."
"Not for everything Harry," Luna said. "You weren't there in some ways that I needed most. Not during the nights when I needed someone there to hold me. Not at the times when it seemed to hard for me to get through to Mary."
"I'm sorry....I didn't know that," Harry wanted to stand up and comfort her, but he was too shocked.
"And I didn't want you to know," Luna said. She wiped away her tears before taking his hands in hers. "That's why I know you and I would never work out. Because I did not want you to know all of my problems."
"No help from your Inner Sight?" Harry joked. Luna's face grew solemn as she shook her head.
"This is much more obvious than that Harry," she said. "You are a strong caretaker, and great with children, you just have a hard time with discipline. But you take on problems of everyone else to forget your own. I did not want Mary or I to become something you could lose yourself in." Harry shook his head, trying to find a good argument to her statement. "Harry, I'm not trying to insult you, but trying to help you."
"You are having a different way of doing that then," Harry muttered.
"Do you want to know what Mary said about all of this?" Luna asked. Harry looked up at her, trying to find any clue as to what she was saying. "She said that you loved her and you loved me, but you were meant for someone else. That no matter how hard you tried, that we occupied a different part of your heart than your beloved."
"She said that?"
"She did," Luna said. "That is why she calls you Uncle Harry, because she sees you and me as siblings."
"So, that's why there can never be anything between us?" Harry was confused beyond a reasonable doubt at this point.
"Beyond what I said," Luna said. "Do not take it as an insult, Harry, take it as honesty and love between two friends."
"I thought Mary said we were like brother and sister?" Harry teased. Luna blushed at this, knowing that she had said something she wasn't supposed to. "And didn't a certain someone also listen to me on the radio?"
"Well, I...ummm..." Harry let out a laugh, standing up from his seat at the table.
"You figure out what you want to, I'm going to call Girard then Hermione," Harry said. He headed off to his room, hoping to find his cell phone there.
"Why Girard?" Luna asked when he was halfway up the stairs.
"I promised Hermione a mediation," Harry yelled back. He wanted to start on the right foot after all, although the left was pretty much the same....
I0I
Harry arrived a couple minutes earlier than normal. He had called Girard, and thankfully the man agreed to mediate between Hermione and him, though Harry thought the doctor muttered something about group therapy before he hung up the phone.
So here he was, sitting and trying to remain calm. He wanted to be angry with Hermione still, and he knew he should be. He wanted to remain angry for a long time. He did not come today to be talked out of his anger, or his disappointment. His eyes flew open at this. Where did the last part come from? He wasn't thinking about that, about being disappointed in her.
"They're ready to see you now," the receptionist said. Harry thought her name was Mindy, but he didn't want to guess and be wrong.
"Harry, please have a seat." Girard was in a chair in front of the coffee table with Hermione to his left in a more comfortable chair. There was a similar one across from Hermione, which Harry knew Girard wanted him in. "We were just going over some of the ground rules for my sessions, do you need me to repeat them?" He shook his head as he took a seat. "Good, now, before we get to the crux of the problem, I'm going to allow each of you to ask the other one question."
"Okay," Harry said. He looked at Hermione for a moment before he lowered his gaze to his hands in his lap. He did not know how long he sat there, staring at his hands. All he could think about was the days after her betrayal. The days, the months, the years. "Did you ever try to find me after I left?" Harry asked before thinking. Hermione started at this, obviously not expecting that question, to be honest, enither was he.
"I did, try to find you at least," Hermione said. "I talked with Minerva and she told me where to find you. I wanted to come and find you, and did come with Ron several times." She looked back down at her feet on the floor. "It wasn't a date then either Harry, he said he wanted to apologize then too." Her hands rolled in each other, trying to give her something to do.
"Remember Harry, only one question," girard said when Harry opened his mouth to speak again. "Did you ever find him?" She shook her head.
"They would not tell us where you were in the office, student confidentiality and all." Her voice was weak, like it pained her to speak of this. Harry shook his head, no, not pained, fear. She was afraid of letting him know of her failure. "I wanted to keep looking, maybe stop in on a few classes, but Ron said he'd look for you, and try to convince you to return." She shrugged her shoulders, looking helpless at her words as they fumbled out of her mouth. "He said that you had left....and after that I just waited for you to return."
They sat there for several moments, in silence. Harry could not say what Girard was doing. His gaze had locked onto Hermione. She stared at the floor, again not meeting his gaze. But tha did not matter to him at the moment. What mattered was the fact that she did look for him, she had taken time to try and find him. For so long, he had thought she had just left him for Ron. Because that was what she wanted.
"Harry?" He snapped out of his thoughts, finding her eyes looking at him. "did you move on?" He thought about his last few years and all the women he could have had, and the few that he did.
"I wanted to, I really wanted to," harry muttered. He shook his head, the empty feeling from the years before beginning to fill him up again. "I tried, several times." The parties he went to had no limit to the number of women that seemed to be attracted to him.
"How far did you go?" Harry looked up at Girard, knowing that he was asking the question Hermione wanted to ask, but could not.
"We had sex if that is what you are asking, but it was never intimate, never special," Harry said. He looked at her again, trying to think if he should go on. "I could not begin to give myself away, only to know I could not give that person everything about me. All of my heart." His voice trailed off at the end, and it was several more moments before he found the courage to speak again. "I didn't begin to date until about two years ago, when the loneliness became too much to take." He humorlessly chuckled. "Even with the alcohol helping."
Again, Harry felt the room go silent, except this time, his gaze was on the floor, while he felt Hermione's on him. Girard gave them a few moments before speaking. "The purpose of the question is to show your honesty toward each other, and your willingness to move forward in your lives."
The table in front of them appeared a pensive, though the runes were not like the other pensives Harry had seen. Hermione was interested in it as well, leaning forward in her chair to examine the runes closer.
"This pensive is meant to combine memories and all use to discuss them from the comfort of these chairs." Girard removed his wand from his jacket, waving it over the pensive. Water slowly filled the brim to the top. "Now, I want you both to place the memory of the night your friendship ended." -
A/N: I am completely caught up at the moment with chapters. I apologize for the lateness of this chapter. I want to get them out at about a week a chapter, but we'll see as my next few weeks are filled with family commitments. I will however strive to keep to that schedule as best as I can. This will be finished by the end of June at the latest. I only have another three or four chapters to write, including the next one. The final confrontation between Harry and Molly will happen at the end. I thank you all for reading this story and helping me make it better.
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