You guys should feel seriously loved right now. I worked on this all through school, and now I don't get the homework! I was laughing sooo hard while writing this- hopefully you will laugh while reading this! I took advice from one of my reviewers (Cool 'n' Casual again- actual name: Aayush) and I
Made this chapter a little more mysterious- keep you guessing a little.
(hopefully) added a few fillers rather than just jumping into whatever it was the characters were talking about.
AND made the chapter a little longer. It's longer than I planned, actually. Ten whole pages!!!
Oh, and Aayush? I haven't seen 'When Harry met Sally.' =D
Enjoy chapter three!!
*kisses*
lil_irish_girl
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"Oh, now this plan is genius."
Harry was sitting at one of the tables in the library, going over his strategy of how to make Ron mess up with Hermione.
"Just one more detail I need to add and... perfect!" Harry stood up and quickly walked out of the library, looking for a certain red haired witch. He ran into her, literally, as he was walking past the Great Hall. She stumbled a bit, then looked to see who had run into her.
"Hi Harry!" Ginny said happily as the two started walking down to the Gryffindor common room. "How goes it with getting Hermione? Have you wooed her yet?"
"Not exactly." Harry looked sad. "She's going out to Hogsmeade with Ron tomorrow morning."
Ginny gasped. "No way!" she exclaimed, shocked, as they walked through the portrait hole and sat down on a couch. "That's awful, he's so wrong for her! And he must know that Luna fancies him, why doesn't he bloody go out with her?"
"That's a good question, but it doesn't matter right now." the dark haired boy looked excited about something. "I've got a plan! It's all figured out, I just need to get these things." he handed her a list. A very long list. Ginny quickly scanned it, then smiled widely.
"What are you planning to do with all this?" Ginny looked half confused, half amused. She began quoting the list. "'Fake nails, long blonde Dolly Parton wig, nylons'?"
"The nylons are because I refuse to shave my legs and lose my manly essence, but the rest is a surprise." Harry grinned. "If you want to figure out what I'm doing with them, stop by the Three Broomsticks tomorrow around twelve. In the mean time, though, do you know where I can find these things?"
It was Ginny's turn to grin. "Just step inside my closet." The two started laughing as Ginny took Harry into her dorm room to get everything on that list of his.
~*~*~*~*~
Back up in the boys' dorm, Ron was pacing around his bed, waiting for Harry to come so he could get briefed on what to do on his and Hermione's date tomorrow.
Where is he? Ron was beginning to get worried when Harry came running through the door holding a giant bag.
"Uh, hey mate." Harry turned around to face Ron, looking guilty. "What's in the bag?"
"Um.... uh...." Harry stuttered. "Feminine products." he thought it best not to lie; this WAS Ron.
"Feminine products?" Ron looked disgusted. "You don't mean those things... that girls use during their... during that time of the month, do you?"
Harry made a face. "Eww, no! It's just, make up and hair products and lots of other things I bought for.... Ginny."
"Oh! What, are you sweet on my sister now?" Ron waggled his eyebrows. "You must be. So when did you two get together?"
"We're not together, Ron." Harry looked surprisingly calm. "She just couldn't leave her room because she had to finish an essay and she asked me to buy these things for her." That sounded like a reasonable lie, didn't it?
Ron raised his hands. "Whatever, but I still say you and my sister got together and you went all girly on me and bought," he scrunched up his face like he was eating a lemon while he said the last of his sentence. "Girl products."
You were right about the me going girly on you part. Harry thought mischievously. "Didn't I come up here to help you on your date? If you really don't want my help, I'll just go..."
"No!" Ron looked afraid. "That was totally wrong and uncalled for, and I'll never do it again. Please help me?" he gave Harry the best puppy dog pout he could muster.
"OK, OK," Harry said, laughing. "I'll help you if you get that puppy dog look off your face." Ron had a straight face before Harry could finish his sentence.
"OK, now on your date in Hogsmeade, take her to all the places you like. Refuse to take her anywhere that has lace, frills, jewelry, or girly colors, like pink. At twelve o'clock, take her to the Three Broomsticks. Order two butterbeers. Like I said the other day, girls think it's hot when you totally dominate the conversation, so talk a lot. While you're drinking the butterbeer, make small talk. Occasionally let her have some say in matters, but don't listen to her. After the Three Broomsticks, cut her loose for a little, let her wander by herself. Then meet back up with her and walk back to the castle. Try to hold her hand. If she won't let you, wrap your arms around her waist."
"Why should I take her to the Three Broomsticks at twelve?" Ron looked very confused.
"Because I said so." Harry sounded like a six year old insisting he was right. Ron rolled his eyes.
"OK, is that all?" Ron stood up. "Or is there anything else I need to know?"
Is there anything else he needs to know? "Uh, yeah. Flirt with other girls when possible. That way you can see if she gets jealous." And I can see if Hermione actually likes Ron.
"Alright." Ron walked toward the door. "I got to go talk to McGonagall about some stupid prank that I didn't do. See ya!"
Once he was gone, Harry tipped the bag he had upside-down and spilled its contents onto his four poster bed.
"Time to put this plan into action." Harry said to himself, smiling, as he lifted a size 42DD bra out of the pile. His expression turned puzzled. "Now how am I going to fit this?"
~*~*~*~*~
"Hogsmeade should be fun, shouldn't it?" Ron asked, facing Hermione as they were walking down towards the village.
"Yeah, there's a new book at Flourish and Blotts and I want to go check it out." Hermione answered, a hint of excitement in her voice.
"Let's go to Quality Quidditch Supplies instead!" Ron grabbed her hand and practically dragged her away.
"OK, Ron." Hermione looked bored as she was led by Ron into the store. Today is going to be very interesting, she thought.
~*~*~*~*~
Back at the boys' dorm, Harry was putting on nylons with the help of Ginny. Harry was none too happy about the whole thing, but felt that it was needed in order for his plan to work.
"Why do these things have to be so itchy?" he whined. Ginny laughed. "I don't know how girls put up with this stuff, and they're riding up!"
"Well, if you stopped moving they wouldn't ride up and we could put this stuff on much faster." Ginny was fighting back laughter as she looked at Harry. He wore a Dolly Parton blonde wig that was very curly and stopped halfway down his back. He had just recently put on long, fake red nails. Harry was sporting a 42DD black bra that had recently been stuffed with about three rolls of 2-ply toilet paper. He was wearing a knee length maroon dress, and color contacts (which made his eyes a baby blue.) When the nylons were finally on, Ginny stepped back to admire her work.
"How do I look?" Harry turned around so she could see him from all angles. "Do I look like I'm s'posed to?"
"You look perfect," Ginny decided, nodding her head. "There's just two more things you need..."
"What's that?" Harry looked apprehensive- Ginny had a history of bad ideas.
"Make up and high heels. And we have to cover your scar. Oh! And we're going to have to shave your face so they won't know it's you."
"No!!!!!!"
~*~*~*~*~
"Ron, you know I don't like Quidditch supplies. Why are we in here?"
"Because I wanted to go in here." Ron told Hermione as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Now after I'm done paying for this, we're gonna go to the Owl Emporium..." he looked at his watch. "... and then we're gonna hit the Three Broomsticks."
"But why are we...?" Hermione started, then she sighed. "... Never mind." she knew all too well that questioning Ron would only lead to a shouting match, which would lead to staring, so it was probably better that she keep her mouth shut. When Ron had finished buying whatever it was he'd apparently wanted, they walked out the door and began walking towards the Owl Emporium, Hermione looking severely bored the entire way.
~*~*~*~*~
As inconspicuously as possible, Harry, dressed as a woman, walked into the Three Broomsticks. "She" went over to the bar and looked for someone who worked there to talk to.
"Are you Irene?" a young man, no more than twenty, stood behind the bar with his arms crossed. A scowl was placed on his face. Harry thought a minute, then replied.
"Yes." his voice sounded about an octave higher than usual. "I'm Irene." The man glared at Harry.
"You are over an hour late, Irene!" he stormed. "Where were you? What were you doing that was so important that you couldn't come to work on time??"
Harry contemplated for a little on his answer, then decided hysteria was the best way out of the mess he was apparently in. "I was folding socks!" he half-yelled, making sure that people could hear him. "Is there something wrong with folding socks?! I did NOT want my socks to be all un-folded and stuff!! Is that my fault?" by this time, half the people in the pub were looking at "Irene." Harry smiled inwardly and continued yelling. "I mean, seriously, I am challenged in the art of folding socks, OK? It takes me longer to fold them then normal people!!! If you don't have the decency to-"
"Alright, alright!" the man hissed. "I'll let it slide this time, but only if you shut up! Now go do your job. Bus the tables before I fire you."
"Yes, sir." Harry mock-saluted. Then he turned and looked at the front door. He smiled- Ron and Hermione just walked in: Ron looked hyper-happy for some odd reason, and Hermione looked flat out annoyed. They sat at a table in the back. Harry took the apron thing the bus-girls were supposed to wear and walked back to where the two of them were sitting.
"Hello!" Irene welcomed them cheerily, his voice still an octave higher than normal. "What can I get you lovebirds today?"
"We're not lovebirds-" Hermione started, but was cut off by Ron, who was apparently entranced by Irene.
"We'll have two butterbeers."
"OK!" Irene was very perky, and Harry made sure to jump a little more than normal in order to make his dress- more like his bra- a little more comfortable. Ron wasn't complaining: instead, he was staring at "her" chest. Harry walked away to get the butterbeers when he ran into a young woman.
"You're falling out of your dress!" Ginny laughed, obviously enjoying herself. "I can't believe I let you walk out of Hogwarts like that!"
"Hey, don't sound like my mother." Harry was laughing, too. "And please, honey, I make this dress work." he spun around to show her.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Ginny dismissed. "Now don't you have a table to bus or something?"
"Yes, I do. Now go sit down and enjoy the show! Just don't stare at my arse too long, or I shall have to smack you, darling." With that, he left, leaving a hysterical Ginny in his wake.
"So Hermione, are you enjoying Hogsmeade so far?" Ron asked, not really looking for an answer, but Harry told him to make small talk.
"I suppose." Hermione said in a monotone. "But I still don't understand why we can't go to Flourish and-"
"Did you see our Quidditch game the other day?" Harry told Ron not to listen, so he didn't. "We totally killed Slytherin, it was awesome!"
Hermione didn't have to respond, however, because Irene came back with the butterbeers. Just as "she" was
about to approach the table, Harry tripped in the three inch heels Ginny made him wear. Butterbeer spilled all over
Hermione's front and all over Harry's chest. Harry gasped loudly.
"Oh my! Dear, I'm so sorry!" Irene was mortified.
"No, no, it's OK." Hermione seemed all too happy to leave the table. "I was going to go to the
bathroom anyway to freshen up a bit. Ron, do you mind?"
"Not at all." Ron was staring at Irene. "Go ahead." She left quickly. Ron looked inquiringly at Harry.
"You got that butterbeer spilled on you too, didn't you?" Ron was skeptical about something.
"Yes, I'm such a clutz." Harry faked a giggle. "I'm just not used to these new heels, they're much too high."
"Then why don't you have butterbeer on you?"
Harry looked down at his chest, and then immediately went into panic mode. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. The toilet paper in my bra absorbed the butterbeer I spilled on myself! How the hell am I going to explain this one???
"Oh, it's..." Harry was stalling for time. "It's... it's magic, dear, must you question it?"
Ron couldn't respond to that because Hermione came back, the butterbeer completely gone and a smile was on her face.
"I'm back." Hermione said happily. "Irene? Do you think we could get a couple of fresh butterbeers over here?"
"Sure dear, no problem at ALL!" Harry jumped, then realization hit him and he was prepared to smack Ron across the face for being such an idiot. He had just grabbed Irene's ass! Harry walked back to the table where Ginny was sitting and pretended to take her order while telling her something that he didn't want anyone else to hear.
"He grabbed your arse, thinking you were a woman??" Ginny was disgusted. "Well this proves that I did an excellent job in making you look like a woman."
"Thanks for your ego, Gin." Harry was none too pleased. "Now I have to put up with him! What do I do?"
"Up his ego," was the answer from Ginny. "Flirt back."
"But I'm not gay!" Harry replied indignantly. "And Ron is my best friend, I'm not flirting with him!"
"Are you forgetting that you look like a woman?!" Ginny hissed. "Play the part! Now go get them the butterbeers before they leave!"
When Irene came back to the table with the butterbeer, Ron wasn't there, but Hermione was. Harry set the drinks down.
"So where'd that cutie you're with get to?" Harry absent-mindedly adjusted his apron.
"He excused himself to the bathroom." was the reply from Hermione.
"I see. Is he a good boyfriend?" Harry honestly wanted to see Hermione's response.
Her cheeks tinted red as she averted Harry's eyes. "He's not my boyfriend. Ron's just a friend."
Harry temporarily forgot that he was in a woman suit. "Well, seeing as you're not with red-head, wanna go with me? We could make a Kodak moment." he immediately regretted it.
Hermione's eyes widened. Oh my God! Dear Merlin, what do I say? What in God's name do I say?? No! No!
Fortunately she didn't have to say anything. Ron decided to come back at that moment. Hermione quickly excused herself to the bathroom, her face beet red. Harry chided himself for being so stupid. Ron, however, was completely oblivious to the situation.
"So," Ron said sexily once Hermione was out of earshot. "Do you have a boyfriend?"
Play along, play along. Harry reminded himself. "No, I don't." Irene said innocently, batting her eyelashes. "What what about Hermione?"
"She doesn't matter right now," Ron whispered, obviously lying through his teeth. Harry had told him to flirt with other girls, so that's what he was doing. "Wanna go make a Kodak moment?" Just then Hermione came back, her face somewhat less red.
"I'm sorry for what I said earlier, Ms. Granger." Harry meant it with all his heart. "I wasn't myself."
"That's quite alright." Hermione looked a bit happier.
"Thank you for accepting my apology Ms. GRANGER!" Harry turned around in outrage to glare at an "innocent" looking Ron. He had grabbed Irene's ass again!
"Is there a problem, Ms. Irene?" Ron looked sweetly at her eyes, then at Harry's chest. Irene responded by slapping Ron. Hard. The whole pub went silent. Hermione looked stricken. Ginny was laughing uncontrollably somewhere in the background- she knew what had happened.
"What the bloody hell was that for?" Ron looked hysterical.
"For letting your hand 'accidentally' slip two times too many!" was the angry reply, followed by another slap. "The butterbeer's on the house," Irene said sweetly. "I suggest you leave now." Ron and Hermione did so without another word.
Once they were outside, Ron muttered something about meeting back there in an hour, which Hermione was all too happy to agree to. She hurried over to Flourish and Blotts, gratefully sank into a beanbag chair, and began to read. About ten minutes later, her reading was interrupted.
"Excuse me, miss?" a young man said. "Are you Hermione Granger?"
At the mention of her name, she looked up and surveyed the boy. Tall, lanky frame with jet black, uncontrollable hair. He could have been Harry's twin, but he didn't have a scar and his eyes were a baby blue.
"Yes, I'm Hermione Granger," she said, closing her book. "And who are you?"
"My name is Matt." he shook her hand. "I noticed you were in the middle of an... argument down at the Three Broomsticks. I was wondering if you were all right."
"Yes, I'm- fine." Hermione couldn't stop staring into Matt's eyes. She was entranced. She couldn't look away. Not that she wanted to, anyway.
"Would you care to walk outside a bit with me?" he asked. "I promise that we'll come back to the bookstore." All Hermione could do was nod her head and take his hand as he helped her up and led her outside.
"That boy you were with," Matt started as they began walking. "That was Ron Weasley, right?"
"Yes," Hermione said. "I'm really sorry, but I didn't quite catch your name. What is it again?"
Harry Potter. "Matt Johnson. Now, Ron Weasley, he's your best friend, yes?"
"Yes." Hermione seemed to be at a loss for words.
"Does he treat you right?" Harry looked curious. "Not abuse, that wasn't what I meant at all, but just that he doesn't treat you like an equal?"
"Not exactly." Hermione was in deep thought. "I guess he doesn't treat me like an equal, no."
"You have another friend, Harry Potter, right? Does he treat you like an equal?" Harry wanted to know what she thought.
"Harry treats me like an equal." Hermione's voice was definite, and somewhat... defending?
"Do you ever feel trapped?" Harry suddenly asked. "Like you're surrounded by logic and you can't follow your dream?"
"That's exactly how I feel!" Hermione said, surprised, as they walked back into Flourish and Blotts. "You know, Matt, I've only been talking to you for about twenty minutes and I feel like I've known you forever. Can I give you a hug?" she added shyly. "A friendly hug?"
When Harry nodded, she wrapped her arms around his neck, his around her waist.
"Maybe you have known me forever." Harry murmured. "You see me all the times, perhaps."
"Maybe I was looking but I wasn't really seeing." Hermione answered, her voice muffled against his shirt.
"I could only be so lucky to know a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful woman like you." Harry meant every word with all his heart.
They broke apart a minute later and looked into each other's eyes. Their faces were a mere inch apart.
Oh my Lord, I'm going to kiss her! Then a sense of dread washed over him- he knew what was going to happen.
"There's only one thing that can- and will- ruin this." his voice came out in a whisper, his breath hot against her skin.
"What's that?" Hermione's lips were slightly parted, practically begging to be kissed.
"The best friend will come to break up this little party in three," he moved a bit closer to her mouth. "Two," they were less than a half an inch apart. "One," his lips had almost brushed against hers when...
"HERMIONE!"
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How didja guys like it?? I worked hard on it- please please please review!! The slap didn't exactly turn out how you thought it would, did it? REVIEW AND I WILL UPDATE FASTER! I swear! *he he* I love you all so so so so so so much!!!
lil_irish_girl