Ficlet Challenge #1: Confusion over a Muggle object.
Before you begin, let me state that the stories I'm writing for the Portkey '7 'fore 7' challenge are all part of a series called 'Hogwarts Drama Club'. They all take place on a single timeline, but are not in order. Therefore, this is NOT the first story in the series. If you wish to read them in order (and it will help you avoid some confusion), start at Challenge #4.
I don't have much to else say before you begin this one. I'm purposely leaving which object the confusion is over ambiguous. Enjoy!
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Harry Potter, King of the Britons
Harry Potter was walking down the 7th floor corridor with a great feeling of apprehension. He had been meeting with McGonagal over what the next production for the drama club would be, and the decision was one he thought would be met with mixed enthusiasm.
"Harry?" asked a gentle voice from behind him.
"Hello luv," he smiled as Hermione jogged up to him and gave him a quick peck on the lips.
"How come you're not in the meeting yet?"
"Just got done with McGonagal," he said. "Going to tell everyone what we're performing next."
"Can you tell me?" she asked sweetly.
"You'll find out with everyone else," he smiled. "Though...there aren't many female parts. I'm pretty sure I know what you're going to have to be if you're not a tech."
"I don't know if I like the sound of that," she said.
"I'll do my best to make everyone happy," replied Harry as they reached the Room of Requirement. They entered the theater to the familiar chatter of the club members, although it quickly died down as he walked up to the stage.
"What are we doing for the next production?" asked Ginny, sitting next to Neville.
"Right to the point, eh?" he laughed.
"Come on then, tell us!" encouraged Justin Finch-Fletchley.
"It has been decided by the Board..."
"Yes?" chorused some of the people in the room.
"We will be performing Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and I'm directing."
A large uproar met these words, some of it cheers, some of it groans of disappointment.
"We'll be doing tryouts today," said Harry, speaking over the din. "The best choices for those parts will be selected, and the others will be assigned to where I feel they will best be suited."
"Tell us why you get to be the director again?" asked Seamus.
"Because I started this club in the first place," shrugged Harry.
"Right, right."
"Now then," said Harry, clapping his hands. "Let's go with King Arthur first."
"You're not going to make me be Zoot, are you?" asked Hermione with a hint of dread as Ernie and a couple others hurried up to the front.
"No, but if you would like a spanking I'll be more than happy to oblige," whispered Harry.
"You are something else," she laughed.
=====
About six weeks later...
"One more time, from the top please," said Harry, from a few rows back.
"We've been practicing for hours," whined Ron poking his head out behind the curtain. "Can't we take a quick break? Or a kip?"
"Practice makes perfect."
"Says you," replied Ron. "You get to sit there and bark at us."
"I had to take orders for seven years of my life, I feel entitled to do it to you from time to time," joked Harry.
"You could have at least let me be someone other than Sir Robin," sighed Neville from the stage.
"What are you complaining for?" asked Dean, who was standing behind him. "Seamus and I are your bloody minstrels. We get eaten for Merlin's sake!"
"Enough," chastised Harry. "Do it again."
"Brave Sir Robin ran away," chorused Dean and Seamus.
"No I didn't," droned Neville.
"Bravely ran away, away."
"No!"
"When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled -"
"I didn't!"
"Alright that'll do it," laughed Harry. "One of the best scenes, I say."
"Go sod yourself," said Neville, though he was slightly smiling.
"Let's see...how about we do the first French scene now?"
Harry had to stifle his laughter as Malfoy marched out onto the stage clad in his French armor.
"I swear, I'm never going to forgive you for this one, Potter," he said through closed teeth.
"Oh, you love being able to throw insults at Ernie and you know it."
Draco said nothing, but grumbled and climbed the ladder to the top of the set as Ernie Macmillan, Colin Creevey, Neville, and Ron all shuffled up.
"Hello!" bellowed Ernie.
Harry saw Malfoy roll his eyes and had to stifle another laugh.
"'Ello! Who is eet!" he yelled back in a perfect French accent.
"I am Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round table!" said Ernie in a strong voice. "Whose castle is this?"
"This is the castle of my master Gui de Loimbard!"
"Please go and tell him that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest, and if he will give us food and shelter for this night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail."
"Well I'll go tell 'em, but I don't think 'ell be very keen. He's already got one, you see."
"What? Already has a grail!"
"Preposterous!" exclaimed Creevey.
"Are you sure?" asked Ernie.
"Oh yes, it's very nice," he replied. Harry thought if Draco talked through his nose any more than he was, he'd start spraying Ernie and the others with bogies.
"Well, may we come up and have a look then?" yelled Ron.
"Of course not! You are English types!"
"Well what are you then?" yelled Ernie.
"I'm French! Why do you think I have this outraaaaageous accent you silly king!"
"Well, if you do not show us the grail we shall storm your castle!"
"You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose on you, so-called Arthur-king, you and your silly English Knnnnnnnnniggets!"
Harry couldn't help from snorting at that, causing them to pause and look at him.
"Carry on," he said chuckling. "Don't mind me."
"Now look here -"
"I don' wanna talk to you no more! You empty-headed animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"
"Um, is there someone else we could talk to?" asked Neville weakly.
"No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!" retorted Malfoy.
"This is your last chance!" yelled Ernie. "I have been more than reasonable and I - bloody hell!"
Harry watched as Ernie and the others ran off the stage as the mooing sound of a cow was cued perfectly.
"Well done!" said Harry, standing up. "Let's get two more scenes in before we call it a day. First...how about...let's see. Ron's scene."
He watched as Ron poked his head out from behind the curtain.
"Really?" asked Ron with apprehension.
"You're the one who wanted to be Galahad the Pure," shrugged Harry.
"Yeah but...blimey Harry...I didn't know...I didn't know..."
"What, that Luna was going to be Zoot?" he asked.
"Shhh!" exclaimed Ron, reddening.
Harry laughed and got up. Walking to the front of the stage, he beckoned Ron over.
"You should tell her how you feel, you know," said Harry quietly. "But for now, the show must go on."
"I suppose," he nodded.
"Get on with it!" yelled Harry as he headed back to his seat. The curtain rose to reveal Ron struggling toward the doors of a castle.
"Open the door!" he yelled. "In the name of King Arthur open the door!"
The door opened slowly to reveal every girl in the drama club who wasn't working on the crew, led by Luna.
"Hello!" they chorused.
"Um...hello."
"Welcome to the Castle Anthrax," smiled Luna.
"The Castle...what?"
"I know, it's not a very good name is it?" asked Luna. "But we are nice and shall attend to your every need! The beds here are warm and very soft."
"Well look, I...er..."
"What is your name, sir knight?"
"S-sir Galahad. The chaste."
"I am Zoot," she smiled. "Just Zoot."
"Look, I must -"
"Sir Galahad, you would not refuse our hospitality?" asked Luna as the other girls began to fret with worry.
"Um..."
"I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours," said Ginny. "We are but eightscore young women, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle, with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life...bathing...dressing...undressing...making exciting underwear..."
Harry's gaze met Hermione's for a moment and he chuckled as she rolled her eyes.
"No, no, this cannot be. I am sworn to chastity!" exclaimed Ron.
"You must come to your bed at once," said Luna. "You are wounded."
"I must go!"
Harry watched as Ron ran right across the stage into Lavender Brown, who was playing Luna's twin sister with the help of Polyjuice.
"Um...Zoot?"
"No, I'm Zoot's twin sister, Dingo."
"Oh. Well, I'm sorry, but I must be going."
"But...Zoot said you were going to stay forever?"
"Oh...but..."
"Wicked, bad, naughty Zoot!" exclaimed Lavender, stomping her foot on the stage. "We must punish her...and in Castle Anthrax, there is but one punishment."
"A spanking, a spanking!" cheered all the girls.
"That is right," said Lavender. "You must spank her...and then you may do with her as you like. And then you may spank me."
"And me!" yelled Parvati.
"And me!" echoed Susan Bones.
"Well...well I suppose I could stay a bit longer," said a flustered Ron.
"Galahad!" yelled Colin Creevey, bursting onto the scene. "We must go! You are in great peril!"
"No he isn't," said Lavender.
"She's got a point," shrugged Ron as Colin grabbed his arm and began dragging him away. "Look I can tackle this lot single-handed!"
"No you can't!" yelled Colin as he continued dragging Ron away. "Tis too perilous!"
"It is my duty as a knight to face as much peril as I can!"
"No, we must find the grail."
"Just a little bit of peril?"
"No."
Harry grinned and waited for it.
"....I bet you're gay."
"No I'm not."
"Excellent," laughed Harry, and the curtain fell. "That'll be it. Let's have the knights and Dennis out for the last bit of today."
"Finally, the fun stuff," laughed Neville as everyone took their places.
"When you're ready," nodded Harry.
The curtain rose to reveal a large pit with a cave towards the back.
"Look!" yelled Dennis Creevey in a Scottish accent, dressed in true wizard garb. "There it is!"
A small, fluffy white bunny appeared from the cave.
"The rabbit?" asked Neville.
"Caerbannog!" yelled Dennis. "Tis the most foul and gruesome thing ye will ever lay eyes on!"
"Right then," said Ernie drawing his sword. "Bors, go lop its head off."
Goyle lumbered forward, sword in hand as the rabbit magically flew up and threw itself at his neck, and, after a shriek, fell to the ground, Goyle falling dead next to it.
"Bloody hell!" yelled Ernie.
"I really did soil myself that time," groaned Neville.
"I warned you," said Dennis, "but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it?"
"Oh, shut up," said Ron.
"What now?" asked Ernie.
"Let us taunt it," said Neville. "It may become so cross that it will make a mistake."
"Like what?"
"Erm..."
"Stop being such a nuisance," scolded Ernie. "And go change your armor."
"We do have the Holy Hand Grenade, sire," said Colin.
"That's right!" exclaimed Ernie. "Tis a sacred relic Brother Maynard carries with him. Bring out the Holy Hand Grenade!"
Justin Finch-Fletchley walked forward dressed up as a monk, carrying a small wooden chest to the sounds of a church choir.
"Um...how...how does it work?" asked Ernie.
"I know not, my liege," said Ron.
"Consult the book of Armaments!" exclaimed Ernie.
"Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one," said Justin, pulling out a large tome from seemingly nowhere. "And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou may blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.'
Harry stifled a laugh as the cast turned to look at him in amazement.
"And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu-"
"Skip a bit, brother," said Ernie.
"And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number shalt thou count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'"
"Amen," said Ernie, bowing his head slightly.
"Amen," chorused his knights.
"Right then," said Ernie, taking the grenade and pulling the pin. "One...two...five!"
"Three, sir!" said Colin
"Three!" yelled Ernie, hurling the grenade at the rabbit. A tiny explosion went off and everyone gave a cheer.
"Excellent," said Harry, getting up and clapping his hands. "That should do us for today."
"Harry?" asked Ernie, coming down from the stage. "Do you really think that the people will like this? Isn't it a bit too...ludicrous?"
"Yeah," said Harry, as everyone went to go change back into their normal clothes. "But hey, it'll be fun at least."
"I suppose," shrugged Ernie.
Harry stayed in the audience until most of the people had filtered out. Making his way back towards the dressing room, he knocked softly.
"Hermione?" he called. "Are you decent?"
"Yes, come in," she said. He opened the door and stepped inside, closing it behind him. Hermione was in the process of cleaning her makeup off, already wearing her normal school clothes.
"You look absolutely gorgeous," he said, wrapping his arms around her.
"Flatterer," she said, blushing. "It's the makeup."
"You look absolutely gorgeous without it," he added with a smile.
"What am I going to do with you?" she sighed with a lazy smile, turning around to face him.
"I can think of a few things," grinned Harry, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.
"Prat," she laughed, swatting at him. "You're a right tyrant out there, you know that?"
"As bad as Greg?" he chuckled.
"Just as bad," she laughed. "I wonder how he's doing."
"I got an owl from him a few days ago," said Harry. "He's doing fine."
"How come you didn't tell me?" asked Hermione.
"I meant to, it slipped my mind," apologised Harry. "Apparently he got three more offers to direct from wizarding companies in the States."
"Did he take any of them?" she asked.
"He's probably not going to," he replied. "He doesn't really know what he wants to do with his life yet."
"I feel awful for him," admitted Hermione. "It must be terrible to lose someone like that."
"It is," said Harry grimly.
"I'm sorry," she said, taking his hands in her. "I didn't mean it like that."
"I know," smiled Harry, leaning in to kiss her softly. "Come on, we should get back to the common room and relax a bit before dinner."
"I couldn't agree more."
Hermione gathered up her things and they were about to leave when they heard voices from the other side of the door.
"You really acted quite brilliantly," said Luna's airy voice.
"Thanks," mumbled someone that sounded like Ron. "You we're great too."
"Thank you, Ronald," she said. "It's rather fun to have a bigger role, don't you agree?"
"Yeah," he replied. "Hey, um..."
"Yes?"
"I was wondering...would you like to go to dinner with me sometime?" he asked. Hermione's eyes widened and she clapped a hand over her mouth in shock.
"I can't believe he actually asked her," whispered Harry in amazement.
"Oh Ronald," chuckled Luna. "We have dinner in the same place every night."
"No, that's not what I meant," stammered Ron. "I meant like...you know, in Hogsmeade or something."
"That'd be so much fun," agreed Luna, clapping her hands together. "I've never had dinner with a friend in Hogsmeade before."
"No!" exclaimed Ron, exasperated. "I mean...that's not what I mean either."
"What do you mean?"
"I meant...like, as more than friends."
There was a dramatic pause while Harry and Hermione anxiously awaited Luna's answer.
"Ronald," she said softly. "Do you fancy me?"
Harry had a feeling Ron's face was probably redder than his hair by this point.
"A bit, yeah," he said hesitantly.
"A bit?" asked Luna.
"A lot, okay?" said Ron, frustrated. "I'm sorry...it's just this stuff isn't easy for me to talk about, and I never really thought you liked me back -"
There was suddenly silence and Harry and Hermione wished that they could see through the door to find out what was happening.
"I'll see you at dinner, Ronald," said Luna softly. Harry and Hermione waited until her footsteps faded before opening the door to see Ron standing there in shock.
"Sorry mate," said Harry, coming up to him. "I can't believe she turned you down."
"She kissed me," said Ron in shock. "She kissed me."
"She what?" asked Hermione.
He turned to face them with a massive grin on his face.
"Hey...congratulations," smiled Harry, clapping Ron on the back. "See, I told you."
"Just a minute ago you thought she rejected me," pointed out Ron.
"So you're a better actor than I give you credit for," laughed Harry. "Come on, let's go back to the common room and you can tell us all about it."
"Wanker," laughed Ron, as the three of them left the theater.
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Well that's about it for this time, I hoped you all liked it. Well, two more to go in about 5 days...I think I can do it. A preview of next time!
It's almost time for the seventh years to graduate...Monty Python and the Holy Grail was a success, but there's enough time left in the school year for one more performance...and the biggest surprise of all. Next time, on Hogwarts Drama Company:
The Great Debate
Until next time!