CHAPTER TWO---Guilt
As they appeared in front of the house they were quiet for a moment until Harry glanced down and saw Hermione's eyes were glistening with tears.
"Are you upset?" Harry asked softly, not removing his hand from her bare arm. He KNEW he shouldn't have kissed her…damn; he should have listened to his instincts.
"No!" she said a bit vehemently then softened her voice.
"Harry, no, I'm not mad. It's just…back there, I felt something I never thought I would feel again and it happened so fast, I didn't know what to do. I don't even know if what I am feeling is real or something like a rebound emotion." She wiped at the tears falling down her face and Harry dropped his hand. He had felt like that too. Merlin, he felt like he was 16 again!
"I understand. I don't know what I'm feeling either but I want…kissing you to be for the RIGHT reasons," he tried to explain. She seemed to be listening so he forged ahead.
"Not just because we both have a hole to fill or that we happened to be in the right place at the right time…then again, I don't want to waste time like I did at school with Ginny. We had maybe two months together before I…I mean you, me and Ron… left on the hunt and if I had been smarter or more in tune I could've had months or years of togetherness with her at Hogwarts." Harry stopped suddenly, aware that he had said something to Hermione that he hadn't told anyone but Ginny. He saw Hermione's face register surprise as she wiped the last of her tears away.
"You-you never said that before, Harry."
She was at a loss as to what else to say. All she really wanted to do was hug him and hold him and try to help him pick up the pieces in his life.
"It was something I told Ginny after Dumbledore's funeral," Harry mumbled, running his hands through his hair then he felt her launch herself at him and she was hugging him, hard. He wrapped his arms around her and held on just as tight, burying his face in her hair.
He felt so warm and whole when he was holding her that and for the time being, he didn't care if this was just something passing or something real. Meanwhile, Hermione was just holding onto Harry, feeling him all around her and she knew that she didn't want to step away. For the first time in a year, she was thinking of herself; not Ben or Janie or Molly and Arthur, just her with Harry.
She had no idea how long they stood like that, until a familiar "hoot" sounded from the apple orchard.
Both Harry and Hermione sighed as they pulled apart and walked into the house, where one light was on welcoming them back. The clock showed it was almost 1am and Harry really didn't want to go to bed. His brain was so full of thoughts, that he thought a pensieve would be very useful at the moment. He shut and locked the door and saw Hermione walk into the living room which was dark except for the moon's rays glinting on the wooden floor. Harry grabbed two bottles of juice out of the refrigerator and they both sat down idly sipping.
"I had a great time and thank you for dinner," Hermione said breaking the silence.
"Me too and I was happy to do it."
Harry wondered if she wanted to be alone, he had just sat down thinking he was welcome in her private space without even asking. As if sensing his thoughts Hermione said just one word, "Stay."
Harry finished his pumpkin juice and set the bottle down on the table in front of them and turned towards her.
"Do you want to talk?" Harry asked wishing she would say something. He smiled a bit as a comment popped into his mind, "Or do you just fancy a snog?"
Hermione laughed and clapped her hand over her mouth.
It was the pick up line that George had used on Katie. Harry remembered him and Hermione laughing for the first time since Ginny and Ron had been buried when he heard that story…a mere two months after they were killed.
"You know Harry," Hermione smiled and turned towards him, "I think I fancy the snog since you gave me a choice."
Harry stared at her; probably with the same expression that George had had years ago when Katie had answered, "Snog" and launched herself at him.
"Seriously?" he asked softly and she nodded.
Harry didn't hesitate, he leaned over and pressed his lips to hers, enjoying the small shock waves that were radiating from his mouth down to his arms and all over his body. Their bodies met in the middle of the sofa, arms wrapping around each other as they explored each other's mouths for the second time. Hands moved over shirts and tugged them out of waistbands; then shyly moved to the buttons on their shirts; as their hands met each other's flesh they stopped and pulled apart.
"Are you sure?" Harry asked, his voice cracking from the emotion he was feeling. Hermione nodded.
"Not here though," she whispered, catching her breath.
"Maybe we should wait," Harry said thinking it was the right thing to say, but his body telling him it was the wrong thing to say.
"For what?" Hermione whispered brushing her lips against his cheek. "We have already crossed that line…," she trailed off at the end as Harry kissed her neck gently then pulled away.
"This was not in the plans for this evening, Hermione. I never thought that you and I…," his voice trailed off not knowing the exact words that he wanted to say. His hand involuntarily wound a piece of her hair around his finger, curling and uncurling her hair, not really gazing at Hermione, but at a point right above her shoulder. Hermione placed her hands lightly on his shoulders.
"I believe that maybe you and I are just trying to struggle to the surface and breathe again, and I think that on some deep level we know what will help each other." Hermione too kept her eyes averted, slowly buttoning the two buttons she had undone on his shirt.
Harry's fingers stopped twirling and he glanced at her, moving his body back a few inches so he could see her. Hermione took this to mean he needed his space so she repositioned herself against the arm of the sofa as his hand fell to his side.
"You have pretty much been able to read me like a book, but I don't even know what I need. For a year I've been right under the surface, part of me hoping Ginny and Ron would walk through that door and yell SURPRISE. It hasn't happened yet…," he ended in a whisper.
"You know it won't. I would love for that to happen but it won't. I think tonight helped us to edge towards that surface and break through our grief. Remember when George said he wished that he could just say "Accio Fred's Life" and he'd be back smiling and laughing?"
Harry nodded somberly as she continued.
"I wish it was that easy. But, what we saw and experienced was awful. And as much as we don't really like it, or think it's fair, the world does go on and finally, I've come to realize that, if just for a few moments maybe WE can have fun and laugh and smile AND not feel guilty about it. Don't you think that?" she leaned forward, her arm around the back of the sofa. She couldn't see his face because the room was full of shadows and his face happened to be in one--much like it had been all year up until tonight. She saw him nod.
"Of course, now that we talk about not feeling guilty when we were eating and having a nice time, I feel guilty now." Harry mused, not in a sorrowful voice but almost a contemplative one.
"Maybe we're thinking too much," Hermione added and saw a flash of white as Harry smiled.
"You have a tendency to do that. I always just followed your lead!"
"Well, I followed you into battle with Voldemort, so I wasn't always the leader!" Hermione said defensively, crossing her arms and huffing, pretending to be very mad. She was enjoying the banter.
Harry laughed, a sound she always loved to hear because it was so rare. Even at Hogwarts he was always so serious about having to watch out for himself, that he rarely let his guard down.
"So, we are good then?" he asked, his arm reaching across the back of the sofa to meet hers. His hand settled on her elbow and he gave a light squeeze.
"We are. Always, Harry."
Hermione turned her hand that was on the sofa and settled her palm against his arm and squeezed back. The urge to be held by him was so strong; she was pretty sure, 99% sure anyway, that he felt the same. There was electricity in the air and they could both feel it, but didn't want to acknowledge that it existed. They were both quiet in their own thoughts; Hermione trying to figure out when she had first noticed this unexpected feeling of wanting (or was it needing?) Harry.
On the other side of the sofa Harry felt the energy too. He saw Hermione lick her lips and tilt her chin down, away from his lingering gaze. Unknowingly, he gripped her elbow tighter and she responded in turn.
"Harry," Hermione whispered trying to call up that "Gryffindor Courage" so many people ranted on about. "Do you think we can not think for a bit?"
Harry was genuinely confused. "What do you mean?"
"Just…not…think. Just…do what we feel?" she lowered her voice and he had to lean forward to hear her. He scooted closer to her until his hand was settled on her shoulder.
"I think we could try," he agreed and at the same time they stood up and hand in hand they quietly crept upstairs, checking on Ben and Janie on their way.
He followed her to Ron's room and felt a momentary pang of unease. Ron's bedroom didn't look anything like it had before graduation. It was very adult and very Hermione at the moment. She got to the door first and opened it, leaving it open for him to follow. He quietly shut and locked the door behind him, having dropped her hand to do so. Hermione silently cast a silencio charm on the door and turned towards Harry, who reached for her hands, pulled her closer to him and lowered his head down to hers, not thinking about whom he was kissing and holding, just FEELING.
He kissed her deeply…letting everything he had ever felt for her during their years as friends transfer itself through his kiss. She responded, pressing herself against him in an unspoken message that he could understand. Their hands continued their paths along each other's shirts, unbuttoning buttons and sliding the sleeves down each other's arms. Harry felt her pull away as she stared at his chest for a moment; he looked down at her and was startled to see her without her shirt; it was very strange and very pleasant at the same time. Hermione ran her hands over his chest and looked up at him; her eyes unreadable as she stared hard into his.
He gazed back at her, feeling his heart beat quicker and wondered what she was trying to see in him---was she comparing him with Ron or having second thoughts? He knew he was pretty much beyond thought at this point and was just feeling very emotional. He saw her reach up and then felt her lips bear down on his…he grabbed her and in one swift move he unhooked her bra and it fell to the floor, joining their shirts. Hands moved quickly, both practiced in this area and in a matter of a minute their clothes pooled on the floor next to the bed.
He gently laid her back on the bed, his hands moving over places on Hermione he never thought of touching. Their lips remained connected, muffling sounds that neither one had ever heard from each other.
Before long, he felt himself joined with his best friend and he had the feeling of being on his broom, letting it take him where it may as he rushed towards something unknown. Any last coherent thoughts that he may have had went out the window, like Hedwig when she left his bedroom window at night. He was shocked at how fast he and Hermione reached that ultimate moment of complete happiness. He heard her gasp his name against his lips, her body curved into his. He moved his head to her neck and thought he might have said her name more than once. He felt her hands gripping his shoulders as he slowly spiraled down to earth and she relaxed beneath him. He lay there, relishing the soft warmth beneath him, feeling her breathe and her fingers trail up and down his back. The velvety quietness enveloped them and as he felt her shift beneath him, he rolled over onto his side and pulled the sheets up. Propping his head up on his hand he looked down at her. She gave a small smile as she held the sheet to her chest.
"Hi," she whispered to Harry.
"Hi yourself," he whispered back.
"This also wasn't something I thought I would be doing tonight, I mean this morning." Hermione stated, not meeting his eyes, but staring past him at the window.
"Me too. I have to say this was much better than the dessert that Fortesque's offered us." Harry smiled as she smiled and nodded.
"Harry," Hermione turned onto her side and he lowered his head to the pillow and looked at her. "Please tell me this won't change…us."
Harry was quiet for a moment, thinking it already had but it was really just another branch out of their friendship that was waiting to be explored or to be left alone. Plus, it was the second time she had asked him and that usually meant she was nervous that her fears would come true.
"It won't," he told her firmly. Then a panicky thought hit him. "Mione? Did you cast a charm?" He had totally forgotten about it, having not used it ever with Ginny. Relief flooded him as she nodded.
"When I was looking at you, while we were standing I did. I don't need another Ben right now." She smiled and lightly touched his arm. She enjoyed the way he had held her, so carefully and lovingly. She couldn't help making comparisons to Ron. Ron had been very tall and very well built-she had barely come up to his shoulder. Harry was leaner, skinnier and was only a few inches taller, rather than a foot. Ron was also very much the aggressor in bed…and with Hermione liking to be in control in general it led to some interesting scenes where she sometimes would get up and walk away until he backed off a bit. Ron always relented to her and she would come back and they would pick up where they had left off.
Harry seemed so much calmer, like he was taking in every piece of information about her and what they were doing while filing it away for use later.
Later?
Her thoughts were interrupted when he reached over her for his glasses. Instinctively she placed a quick, light feathery kiss on his shoulder as his hand connected with his glasses and he froze for a moment. He pulled his arm back slowly, glasses dangling from his finger tips. He stared down at her, barely making out the color of her eyes in the darkness…he wanted to kiss her again but feared if he did, he would be pushing, what was already teetering, over the edge. Instead he playfully set his glasses on her face. She giggled and made a comment about how blurry he was, turned around and set them on his face, pushing them gently up his nose.
"I think I better go back to my room…we don't need to be found like this by our children or anyone else." Harry sat up and swung his legs over the bed. Hermione made a noise in agreement, but regretted the warmth he took with him. She watched his dark form picking up his clothes and quickly putting them on. Then he came over and sat next to her on the side of the bed. She raised herself up on both elbows, still clutching the sheet to her chest.
"I'm not quite sure what I am supposed to say here." Harry reached out and twisted a piece of her hair around his finger as he talked, "I don't think a "bye" or "thanks" is appropriate."
Hermione took a deep breath and let it out through her nose, thinking. He was right. "I love you" wasn't something to be said at this moment either.
"How about "see you in the morning?"" she suggested and Harry nodded and hesitated a moment before getting up from the bed. He leaned down and brushed his lips across her forehead whispering goodnight. She laid herself back down on the pillows, her dark hair spread out behind her and Harry stood up, placing a hand on one of the posters of the bed. He was finding it hard to leave. One more time he reached out to her, trying to make sure all this was real and not some bizarre dream so he touched her shoulder in a silent gesture. She reached up and squeezed his fingers before he pulled away. He slowly turned away and headed toward the door, letting in a sliver of light as he slipped out quietly.