Chapter 30 - The future and the past
It was two o'clock in the morning and Harry stared at the ceiling in the darkness, trying to commit this moment to memory. This was undoubtedly one of the best moments of his life next to finding out he was a wizard, defeating Voldemort and the birth of his three children.
Earlier in the evening he had finally made love to Hermione and she was snuggled warmly against him, dozing against his shoulder. Even though they were in a foreign city, he felt like he was home as long as she was beside him. They had finally given themselves to each other and nobody could tear them apart.
He felt her stir beside him. "Harry? Are you awake?"
"Mmmm." Harry responded as he kissed the top of her head.
"Did you sleep at all?"
"I think I dozed off for a few moments but I'm trying not to sleep."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm afraid this is all a dream that I don't want to wake up from."
"Harry, I assure you that this isn't a dream unless I'm in your dream with you." Hermione said as she kissed his shoulder.
"I don't think I've ever felt more content than I do right now." Harry confessed.
"I feel the same way." Hermione agreed. "I think the last time I was this happy was when Hugo was born, and that was almost twelve years ago. That, of course, was a different kind of happiness."
"It's at times like these that I look back on my life and I think of all of the significant moments in it." Harry mused. "This is definitely one of them, if not the most significant moment I've had so far."
"Do you have any regrets?" Hermione asked.
"Do you?" Harry countered.
"I don't think so. I suppose in hindsight, marrying Ron wasn't the best idea, but if I hadn't married him, then I wouldn't have my kids. But I think in a way, you and I were inevitable. Even if we had resisted the idea more, this would've happened eventually."
Harry didn't respond.
"Hey, you didn't answer my question." Hermione prodded. "Do you have any regrets?"
He hesitated, but he didn't want to start off their intimate relationship with a lie. So he told the truth.
"Yes, I do."
"Really?" Hermione asked. "What do you regret?"
"I regret not choosing you over twenty years ago."
"Well, in hindsight, I regret that, too. But we loved Ron and Ginny back then. We didn't know how everything was going to turn out."
"But I did. I knew."
Hermione moved away from Harry to turn on the light. "What did you know?"
"That I loved you." Harry said quietly, squinting in the light. "That I was falling in love with you."
"You were falling in love with me?" Hermione asked incredulously. "When?"
Harry sighed. "During the horcrux hunt. When Ron left, he said that you chose me. I struggled with that and for the first time I was really faced with how I felt about you and how you possibly felt about me. I tried to ignore it and tried distract myself with thoughts of Ginny. Those nights you cried, I stared at the Marauder's Map, looking for Ginny. I tried to pretend I didn't hear you crying."
Hermione's eyes filled with tears. "Do you know why I cried those nights, Harry?"
"I assumed it was that you missed Ron and were worried sick about him?"
"Well you assumed wrong!" Hermione reached for her dressing gown and got out bed.
"Of course I was upset that Ron left and was so angry with him for leaving us. And I cried because I felt guilty that he left but there was more to it than that. I felt that the whole situation was hopeless. We weren't finding any of the horcruxes, I missed my parents, I missed school and most of all I cried because I wanted you to comfort me and you barely touched me!"
"You wanted me to comfort you?" Harry asked, surprised.
"Yes, Harry! Why didn't you come to me?" Hermione asked, looking wounded. "Your best friend is
crying and you couldn't even be bothered to comfort me?"
"I don't know!" Harry shook his head. "I guess I was scared of my feelings. I think I was afraid of what would've happened if I had. If I had comforted you, things might've gotten intense between us and then there would be no turning back."
Harry took a breath.
"And then Ron came back and he saved my life. I never told you this, but before Ron destroyed the locket, it was taunting him. These evil versions of you and me came out of it and were saying that he was worthless and that you could never love him. Then the evil versions of you and me kissed."
Hermione just stared at Harry openmouthed, no words would come.
"So I told Ron that I loved you like a sister."
"You told him that you loved me like a sister?" Hermione found her voice. "Even if it was a lie?"
"I know, but you should've seen his face, Hermione." Harry explained. "He looked so heartbroken; I couldn't do that to Ron. He had just come back and I didn't want him to leave again. I thought if I said it aloud, then perhaps I could make myself believe it. I knew that Ron loved you, I couldn't hurt him."
"So you gave me up? As a consolation prize for Ron?" Hermione asked bitterly.
Harry grabbed his dressing gown and approached Hermione, but she walked away from him out into the salon.
"Hermione, please. It was a long time ago, I was stupid, okay? I thought I was doing the right thing!"
Hermione opened the door to the balcony and Harry followed. He reached for her but she flinched.
"Hermione, please come inside. It's cold out here."
Hermione was too incensed to feel the cold. She paced back and forth the length of the balcony as Harry watched her helplessly.
"How could you, Harry?" She fumed. "You never gave me a choice! You just handed me to Ron on a silver platter. You never asked me how I felt! You never thought to ask me what I wanted!"
"I thought you wanted Ron." Harry shrugged. "I thought you were in love with him."
"Well you were wrong!" Hermione shouted. "I did love Ron but I loved you more! You kept me at arms length and practically pushed me into his arms when he came back. I thought you could never love me like that, so I decided that being with Ron could make me happy."
Harry shivered. "Please get out of the cold, Hermione. We can talk about this inside. I don't want to wake the neighbors."
Harry turned and went back inside, but before he closed the door he grabbed his wand and muttered a warming charm so Hermione would not catch cold on the balcony.
Hermione stared at the beautiful Parisian view through her tears. How could things have gone from completely perfect to this so quickly? She felt Harry's warming charm surround her and felt her heart thaw a little, even during an argument he took care of her.
She wiped her eyes and sighed as she walked back into her suite. The light was on the bedroom and she found Harry sitting on the side of the bed with his head in his hands, still in his dressing gown.
She came over and knelt beside him. "Harry?"
His head shot up and he looked at her with regret, Hermione noticed he had tears in his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Hermione. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you all those years ago, I was a scared and stupid boy. Please forgive me."
Hermione reached out and stroked the side of Harry's face and brushed away some of the tears that had fallen.
"There's nothing to forgive." She said gently. "I'm sorry, too. I overreacted. It's just that I never knew and I wish I had, perhaps things could've turned out differently."
"I know."
"It's my fault, too, Harry."
"How is it your fault?"
"Well, I was scared of my feelings, too. They were so intense." Hermione admitted.
"When Ron left and accused me of choosing you, he was right. I did. When push comes to shove, I've always chosen you. I was afraid that you believed what Ron said and you found out that I had fallen in love with you. But I didn't think you could ever want me like that, I thought you loved Ginny."
Harry just gazed at her.
"If I had been braver, a true Gryffindor, I could've come to you those nights and asked you to comfort me. I could've told you how I felt and found out how you felt, too." She paused.
"If I had, would you have refused me, Harry?"
"Honestly?" Harry asked. "I don't think I could have refused you."
Hermione suddenly had an idea.
"Harry, do you think we could pretend that we've gone back in time? That we're not in a beautifully appointed hotel suite in Paris, but in a tent somewhere in England? And this isn't a luxurious bed but a crappy little cot?"
Harry considered making a fantasy role-playing joke but thought better of it.
"Please, Harry?" Hermione implored.
"Okay." His expression was sober, knowing that she needed this closure.
Hermione turned out the light and got in the bed, still wearing her dressing gown. She grabbed her pillow and willed the tears to come, remembering the despair she felt the nights after Ron had left them.
Harry got off the bed and listened to her sobs. He remembered the pain he felt all those years ago, but now there was no Marauder's Map or thoughts of Ginny to distract him. He approached the bed and gingerly sat down.
"Hermione?"
"Harry?"
"Is there, um, anything I can do?"
Hermione looked up at Harry in the darkness. She could not see his face clearly but she could almost see his expression of concern.
"Could you stay with me, please?" She whispered.
"Sure." Harry said as he pulled back the covers and settled in bed behind her. He was about to spoon her when Hermione turned over and wrapped her arms around him burying her head in his shoulder. He was no longer a thirty seven year old father of three, but a seventeen year old boy fighting for his life.
"I'm so sorry, Hermione. It's all my fault Ron left. I'm a terrible leader."
Hermione shook her head. "No, Harry, it's mine. I should've gone after him, I should've told him that I hadn't chosen you." She paused. "But I didn't go after him because it would've been a lie."
"What do mean?" Harry asked.
"I have chosen you. Ron was right. I love you, Harry."
"You love me?" Harry was dumbfounded. "You mean like a brother, right?"
"No, Harry not like a brother. I'm in love with you."
"I'm in love with you, too." Harry replied, the words just tumbling out of him in relief.
"Are you sure? I thought you loved Ginny."
"So did I. But she's not the one who's here with me, is she? She's not the one risking everything for me. She's not the one who's always been there for me, no matter the cost. I just wish I could give back to you everything you've given me."
"You just did." Hermione said.
Harry reached up and stroked the side of her face and ran his hands through her unruly curls.
"You're beautiful, Hermione."
Hermione reached up and ran her hands through Harry's unruly locks and traced his scar with her fingertips.
"So are you, Harry."
Harry leaned down and kissed her as if he had never touched her lips before. He just brushed his lips against hers for a few moments before Hermione opened her mouth, granting him access. Kissing Hermione was unlike anything Harry had ever experienced. It was strange and familiar at the same time, but Harry knew that he never wanted to kiss anyone else but her.
They pulled apart, breathless. After a few moments, Harry could feel his seventeen year old self returning to the past.
"Thank you, Harry." Hermione whispered. "Thanks for indulging me."
"You're welcome. I think I needed that just as much as you did."
"So no more regrets?" She asked him.
"No more regrets. I realize that we can't change the past, Hermione, but we have the future to look forward to make things right."
"That's right. We do. We have the rest of our lives."
Harry suddenly felt bone tired, the emotional highs and lows of the past twenty four hours had taken their toll.
"Hermione…I think I'm going to get some sleep now."
"Are you sure?" Hermione asked. "Before you didn't want to go to sleep because you thought this was a dream."
Harry didn't answer, he was already asleep.
TBC
A/N: That's my theory of what happened in DH - call me delusional but that's what I saw.
Up next: more romance in Paris and the end of this story?
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