She was sickened.
It wasn't so much that he cheated on her. She should have been waiting for it. Her friends told her so, his friends told her so. Hell, even her teachers had payed her subtle warnings.
No, she was deliriously angry that she made a mistake. An obvious mistake, one that cut deep into her soul, tormenting her every time she saw him around Hogwarts, making his rounds amongst the girls, his hair flowing freely in the wind. He didn't even care that he'd done it to her, thought nothing about how much his actions would hurt.
He was impulsive. She knew that, knew it before she agreed to go to Hogsmeade, recognized it as they hung out at Zonko's with the rest of the Marauders, even began to fall in love with it as he took her to the Astronomy Tower to watch the sunrise. It was something Lily had begun to associate with him, and anticipated the rendezvous around the castle.
A playboy, perhaps, but romantic all-the-while.
She had let him get too close to her. Evelyn had noticed it too, and had issued a warning. "He's known to be a bit . . . wild, Lily," Evelyn confided late one night, in the inky blackness of the dorm.
"Are you judging him on his reputation, Ev?" Lily was accusatory.
Evelyn was quiet. "I'm not judging anyone. I am warning that reputations don't develop out of thin air."
She fell asleep after that, leaving Lily to ponder Evelyn's statements. Yes, he had a reputation. He was wanted, one of the most wanted young men at Hogwarts (excluding the new Arithmancy professor), but all of that was relative. Lily was not oblivious to the attention she received, the jealous glares she got, the many Valentines, ball invitations, and Hogsmeade offers she received. Lily was in much the same boat, with rumors flying every which way and a reputation trailing after her that she hadn't asked for.
And most importantly, he was impulsive. Much of what he did could be defended, if only with the excuse that he truly hadn't been thinking.
Remus had tried warning her. "He doesn't think, Lily. He buys things, he eats things, he pulls pranks, he calls people names, he gets into duels."
"I could name a few other characters around school who do that."
"The difference between him and me, Lily, is that I can put proper justification to my actions, even if my only answer is that I myself am to blame."
"And he can't do that?"
"If you ask him why he does the things he does, he won't have an answer. He may not even remember what he did all that clearly. He doesn't think before acting. And right now, he's not very reliable, as doting as he may seem."
Lily hadn't wanted to hear it, refused to recognize that his actions could bring serious consequences. He may not have thought, but it wasn't like he killed anyone. He wasn't that rash.
Even McGonagall hinted at the subject. She kept Lily after class to lecture her on "not letting her studies slide" under the influence of a "certain student." Lily had assured the professor that not a grade would dip and that she felt she was entitled to a bit of fun in her life.
And did he ever provide fun.
Lily had never been one to act on impulse. Her actions were pondered and she had long ago discovered that hesitation meant something was amiss. She relied on that thought process the majority of her years at Hogwarts. Until he had entered her life.
They snuck out of the dorms, snogged in the middle of the corridors, found new hiding places in passageways. He took her flying, taught her how to address a hippogriff. In return, she taught him how to swim and took him to a muggle nightclub.
Never could she remember having so much excitement in her life at once. He breathed life into her, and she could feel herself depending on him. It was a slight change, but more and more she found herself wondering if she could survive without him.
He told her he loved her underneath the mistle toe, and that night they made their way to his dorm room. Lily had been convinced she loved him.
In retrospect, it all became clear. Lily should have known, and looking back, perhaps she did. As many warning as Evelyn had issued to her (to which she responded with silent treatment) and as often as Remus tried to keep them from spending time together (resulting in a shouting matches and a bruise), something should have clicked. Anything.
It took Maeve Galvin.
Lily had spent her day searching for him, wondering what adventure they would embark upon that night, hoping it was a trip to the kitchens. Expecting him to be scheming with his friends, she was (pleasantly) surprised to find him completing homework. Lily wasn't sure whether to feel upset or excited; she had been looking forward to spending time alone.
"Do you need help?" She had asked. "Maybe we could take this up to your dorm." She slid her hand along his thigh and kissed his neck.
He released a shuddering breath, pulling away from her and standing up. "Probably not tonight," he muttered.
Feeling dejected, she stood up and tried again. "What's wrong?" She wrapped her arms around him, breathing in deeply. "I've never known you to pass up a shag."
He shook his head, tensing up at her words. "And then we can shower." She rubbed her body against his. "You need to get this smell off you, anyway. I prefer your other aftershave. This fruity scent is nice, but I think I would like it better on myself."
He cleared his throat and pulled completely away. He looked at her, attempting to say something, but was interrupted by the knowledge of a gaze. Glancing over, he nodded, and someone walked over.
"I didn't want to interrupt," Maeve announced, sounding genuinely apologetic, "but I was wondering if you had a quill I could borrow, Lily? Mine broke and I'm trying to do that Arithmancy project Professor Donahue assigned."
Lily nodded and automatically reached into her bad, pausing as Maeve leaned down, throwing Lily a citrus-like scent. A scent Lily recognized.
"That's a nice perfume, Maeve," Lily commented, watching out of the corner of her eye.
His eyes widened.
"Thanks. You can borrow it, if you'd like," Maeve smiled at her before moving away. Not a chance, Lily couldn't help but think. Not a chance in hell.
She had been stupid. She had gotten attached. She had ignored the warnings, every last one of them. She ignored his trail of relationships, her friends' advice, his personality. She had loved him.
And then lost him.
It would have been less painful if it had been with someone else, Lily reflected. But he had chosen Maeve. Maeve Galvin. She was sweet and intelligent and funny. Nothing akin to a home wrecker. A stupid girl, one lacking a brain, someone easy to use, would have been easier to stomach.
At least Lily could have come out of it feeling like she'd won.
But it was Maeve, who had been so oblivious to what was happening. She'd had no clue there was a relationship. And he hadn't bothered telling her. The blame couldn't lie with Maeve.
It was his fault.
"Lily, I said I was sorry!" He called it through the door, as he had been for the past hour, trying to get her to leave. "Please, Lily, unlock the door. Let me talk to you about this."
"It's a little late for talking." She didn't raise her voice, felt no need to. If he wanted to hear what she had to say, he would listen.
"Lily." It was a quiet plea, desperate.
She opened the door. He was sprawled on the floor looking the part of a pathetic mess. His face held a note of shock, surprised that she had even opened the door.
"Sirius Black." She spat his name with disgust. "There's nothing for me to talk with you about. You made a mistake?" She mocked, as he opened his mouth to speak. "You want me to forgive you?" She continued at his indignant cries. "Well, surprise. I don't."
She continued to glare at him. "I made excuses for everything you did. If it hurt anyone, I had an excuse. If you forgot to do schoolwork, I had an excuse. Every single thing you did, Sirius. I never once blamed you for anything." She paused, collecting herself, controlling her rage. "But this time, Sirius, I am blaming you. This is your fault. It never was before. 'Oh, he just acts on impulse,' I told others, defending you. Impulse. And look at where your impulse got me."
He looked at her in silence. "I don't deserve you."
Lily met his gaze. "No, you don't."