"He's a git, Lily." Lily nodded but stayed silent. He had to keep himself in check. As gorgeous as Lily looked, as much as he wanted her, wanted her since fourth year, fourth year . . .
Sirius had gotten her first. She was Sirius' girl. Not James'. Sirius. His best friend.
And yet that could not deter the thoughts entering his mind. She looked so beautiful, especially today, without all that makeup she wore to impress others. She didn't need it. She was beautiful exactly the way she was.
James wanted her.
"You don't need him." He had been trying to pump up Lily's self-esteem for days now, days after the initial break up, hours after Sirius had come crying to her, begging for forgiveness. She was ready to give in, James could feel it. She was ready to forgive him of his misgivings (of which there were more than she was aware), was already justifying his actions.
"He doesn't think," she told him, working on a pro and con list. "He's impulsive."
James raised an eyebrow when Lily hesitated. "And is that a pro or a con?"
Lily sighed. "I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"I don't know," she shrugged. It was simple, matter-of-fact. "I truly don't know whether it's a positive or a negative. For a while . . . at first, it scared me. And after that, I loved it. It came to be one of the things I valued most about him."
"Impulsiveness can be a dangerous thing, Lily."
"But it can also be exciting!" Her eyes were distant. "We went on midnight broom rides and trekked through the castle and walked on the frozen lake in winter."
James eyes widened. "That's not exciting, that's foolish!"
"That's what I thought, at first," she began, "but then it was new and intriguing. Everything I wasn't."
They lapsed into silence. The only sound was Lily's quill scratching her parchment as she divvied up Sirius' qualities. James was too nervous to look at what she was putting on the parchment.
He could be everything Sirius wasn't. He could be everything Sirius was. James could be exciting. James could also draw the line between excitement and heedlessness.
Eventually, Lily sighed, breaking the hush between the two. "I don't know."
James wasn't sure he wanted to know what she didn't, but felt it was his duty to ask anyway. "Don't know what?"
"Whether to take him back." She slid the list over to him and leaned back on the sofa, rubbing her face with her hands.
James raised an eyebrow as he appraised the list. Looks and wit had gone on the pro side, as had intelligence. Laziness (especially pertaining to schoolwork) had been noted on the cons, along with reputation and inability to open up.
Moving the list back in front of Lily, James noticed that the cons seemed to outweigh the pros.
"Looks like a tough decision," he finally said, leaning forward. "I just can't help but notice that one factor seems to be missing from your list."
Lily was silent. She knew what he was talking about, he was sure of it.
"I still don't know where it goes."
"It's quite obvious, Lily," he sighed.
She was staring at the floor, lost in thought. "I thought I loved him. He was so much fun and he brought so much happiness to my life. For once I ventured out of my comfort zone, stopped thinking so much. I gave myself the chance to make stupid decisions."
"And you want to make stupid decisions?"
She was silent.
"Sirius doesn't think. At all. His actions have consequences, and he doesn't like to see that," James said quietly, cries of treason echoing in his mind. "His impulsiveness has gotten you into trouble. It was his impulsiveness that caused you two to break up in the first place. The fact that you don't know where to put that trait on this list gives you the answer you need." James paused. "The fact that you need to make this list at all is a sign."
"A sign of what?" She looked anywhere but him.
James set his jaw. Sirius couldn't be trusted, not with Lily. Sirius would mess up again. He was impulsive, thoughtless, reckless. James loved him, but he loved Lily as well. Sirius sent James to do some damage control, but perhaps James had to control a different type of harm.
"A sign that he isn't right for you," James announced. "A sign that there's someone else out there who is just as fun as he is, but more thoughtful. Less dangerous. Someone who can make you feel beautiful, exciting, exotic, but won't hurt you in the end. A sign that you're looking for love in all the wrong places, in all the wrong ways. It's a sign that someone else is better for you."
"How will I find him?"
Lily looked up, meeting his eyes. He gazed at her before breaking the connection and standing to leave.
"You've already found him," he said, before stepping out of the portrait hole.