She was avoiding them. Both of them, as it were, but she could not block out the rumors circulating the school. Nor could she ignore the black eye James had walked into potions with (getting a heckle from Severus, which she heartily disapproved of and deducted ten points from Slytherin, engaging her in another argument), and the shouts reverberating off the common room walls were more than Lily could bear.
She found herself on top of the school. Not in the Astronomy Tower (Merlin knew what she'd find there), but on the shingled roof, beaten from the grungy weather. She ran her hands over the rough roof slowly, drowning in memories. Sirius had taken her up on here one cold autumn day. She had begged him not to, told him she had homework, prefect duties to attend to, cried that she had never learned to fly. He told her not to fret. He said he would protect her as they flew higher and higher into the air, and once up atop the majestic palace, she didn't doubt his word.
Not once had she feared the deep drop to the ground, too preoccupied with the setting sun glistening off the lake as Sirius stole innocent kisses. Much later, after conjuring a blanket and searching for constellations, they flew down and feasted in the kitchens, the house elves more than happy to prepare a meal for the couple.
That night, Lily rediscovered passion in her life for something other than proving herself academically to her blood-superiors. It was the night she had fallen in love with him. It was a whim decision to take her up there, but once in his mind, Sirius hadn't hesitated, even when Lily herself did. Sirius had always been strong-willed, and it was a trait Lily craved in a suitor. That night had been one of the most romantic in her life.
Lily had to wonder how many other girls he'd shared similar experiences with.
Her heart throbbed at the realization. Sirius had cheated on her. He knowingly gave himself up to a girl other than Lily, and she still couldn't understand why.
Impulse was no longer valid. Lily couldn't imagine the reasons behind his infidelity. Was she not enough? Not funny enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough in bed? She tried to be everything, tried to appear as though she had the world. Sirius saw through that. And she thought he had liked what he saw.
Lily sighed and sat up from the roof. Dusk was beginning to settle. The world looked flawless beneath her, beautiful, yielding no pain. Everything seemed easier from the colossal height, proportionate to other issues. A boyfriend should have been the least of Lily's concerns: dark times were looming, a new reign of terror on the way. She glanced at the Prophet often enough to recognize that.
But deep within her, she could not help but be relieved to be worrying about a boy. This problem, this meaningless detail, was the concern of her current life. The moment she had to worry about the world, worry about life or death, was the moment she had to grow up.
For a while, she was content to be a child.
-----
The castle was quiet as Lily ventured toward the portrait hole. It was unsettling; it was as if the sudden ice between Sirius and James had chilled the entire castle, every house feeling the affects of mates falling out.
Lily tried not to think about it.
She was met in the hall by a few students, years below her, although she couldn't have guessed specifics. They were whispering to each other, gossiping about the big fight between the most attractive males of Hogwarts.
Lily's stomach clenched. She broke up the group of students to ask specifics, only to feel worse as she learned the details.
Apparently, Sirius confronted James about shagging his girlfriend, to which James responded with a threat and asked what he (Sirius) was going to do about it. Sirius lunged at James, choking him, throwing punches before Remus pulled him back. According to the messengers, Sirius called Remus a traitor, accused him (Remus) of shagging Rolanda along with James behind Sirius's back. Apparently, they weren't talking to each other, save for Peter, who was being the go-to between the three.
Lily walked away from the group of students in a daze, reflecting on the story. She had to wonder how much of it derived from the truth and be amazed at the way stories got warped. She and James had definitely not been shagging, nor her and Remus, and Lily wasn't sure a Rolanda even attended Hogwarts.
She sighed, making her way toward the portrait hole, dreading her inevitable entrance. The Fat Lady stared at her.
"Are you entering?" She seemed to be getting annoyed; this surprised Lily, to whom the Fat Lady had shown nothing but patience. "I would like to be able to leave my portrait soon, you know. I've been interrupted from my nap by constant yelling."
She spoke with a stuffy voice, head held high, nose snubbing Lily. Lily supposed the Fat Lady got that way when she was tired and cranky.
"People yelling, throwing things. Honestly, one should think they would be civil to one another. Yelling something about a young woman, I suppose, as only crude language can illustrate."
Lily nodded, suddenly on high alert. "Oh?"
The Fat Lady huffed, crossing her arms over her chest. "Young men these days. They should be looking for potential suitors, not hosting various girls at all hours of the night. Some of us like our sleep." She began blinking rapidly. "Oh, all I wanted was a little rest, but those young boys ran in and out like madmen."
Lily could feel her head beginning to pound. She shook it, muttering the password, before climbing in, leaving the complaining Fat Lady in her wake.
"Lily!" Evelyn ran to Lily, pushing her back toward the portrait hole. "Let's get out of here," Evelyn whispered.
"Ev, my head hurts," Lily whined, allowing herself to be pushed but stopping at the exit. "I just want to sleep."
"Yes, well, I'd recommend sleeping anywhere but here," Evelyn told her, shoving Lily a bit more forcefully and reaching forward to open the portrait. "You probably…"
The rest of Evelyn words were drowned out as shouting was heard from the boys' stairwell. Few heads turned, most accustomed to the recent din, but Lily could not look away. She was transfixed on the two young men, supposed best mates, glaring at each other, wands pointed in each other's direction.
Lily groaned as Sirius opened his mouth to utter a hex at James, frozen to her spot, despite Evelyn attempting to pull her out of the portrait hole.
This was what Lily had been avoiding. This was the issue she did not want to deal with, the concern she had been praying was completely false. Rumors were abundant, but as her friends, her loves, stood hexing each other… even Lily couldn't deny the truth anymore.
Feeling the bile rise in her throat, she turned and ran.