Unofficial Portkey Archive

PARODY…to the extreme

Viopathartic

I was feeling mean so I've decided to write a parody of all of the fanfictions I've read. I'm not going to name any of them because trust me, I've read a lot.

Some of the stuff I've read is just plain ridiculous. Mary Sues, OOC, AU, No magic…my god, the horror! I may use some OOC in my fics but lord, the ones I've read about…

If you happen to enjoy this piece, suggest another thing that I should do a parody of. I'll take my anger out on that.

For the flamers who think this is immature,

Thank you.

That's the whole point.

Some authors believe that if they write "book" and "Hermione" in one sentence, they would finish characterizing Hermione Granger. They think, Wait, Hermione's supposed to be a bookworm so I gotta put a book in there!

People, Hermione is much more complex. However, sometimes authors use Hermione as a body for a completely different person.

Here's what I see all the time.

WARNING: EVERYTHING I SAY UNDER THIS LINE IS NOT MY USUAL WRITING.

AND THAT IS THIS IS LINE (let your eyes drift down)

Hermione was reading a big book, trying to distract herself.

But it was no use; her mind was totally on Harry. Hermione was sooooooooo jealous. Like, O.M.G. He was dating Ginny, her best friend, and he seemed to be oblivious to the fact that she was in love with him.

Suddenly, she sighed and put her textbook aside, jumping off from her bed.

She flipped her long, luscious brown hair over her elegant shoulders and straightened her mini-skirt that she suddenly acquired. She leaned over to look at herself in the mirror and expertly applied her hot pink lip gloss. How did she learn to do this?

Because she was, like, totally hip.

Hermione sighed again, thinking about another task that could keep her mind off her male best friend. She needed to tell Harry that she had feelings for him but how?

What else was there to do?

Oh wait…let's sing a song!

The bookworm strutted to her bedroom door and opened it, walking down the stairs and into the Common Room which miraculously turned into a huge stage.

Magic can do everything, of course.

Her heart dropped when she saw that Harry and Ginny were snogging in the corner while the first years watched in fascination.

Hermione pouted, because that was what she did when she was mad.

Hermione jumped up, ran to the stage, and made for the microphone....

…but tripped and fell on her arse.

Everyone laughed and she just wanted to die! So, taking a deep breath, she began to sing and surprisingly, she was good at it.

Hermione decided to sing a song that was totally related to the whole plot of the story.

I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me

And I'm too sexy for this song

When she was done, Hermione took a bow and the room erupted in ear-splitting applause.

There, she did it. Hermione confessed all of her love for Harry!

"Those lyrics…they were sooooo meaningful!" Everyone whispered.

"Mia!" Harry exclaimed, arms raised, "Mamma mia! How'd you learn to sing like that?"

Hermione giggled, twirling a strand of her straight hair, "Well, my mum and dad wanted me to learn how to sing so they signed me up for lessons when I was younger. I also learned how to do to dance, how to play ALL of the instruments in the world, how to speak ALL of the languages, and…did I mention that I was a child prodigy?"

"Wow," Harry breathed, totally in love with her now.

"Oh my gosh! Harry, you're supposed to like me!" Ginny, who apparently appeared, whined, stomping her legs. She grabbed her boyfriend's arm in desperate attempt to make him love her again.

"Hey! Who sang me a song? I believe it was Hermy…Hermia…Mimi….er, well, not you!" Harry yanked his arm away and went over to Hermione. She giggled like an annoying school girl went he put an arm around her waist.

Together, they walked out of the Common Room….and into a broom closet.

FIVE MINUTES LATER:

Harry and Hermione collapsed after having brutal, hot sex.

Ron was dancing with the leprechauns.

Ginny was working the corner.

"And this is where I confess my undying love for you because everyone knows that having sex with a person means that person loves the other person. So, here, I will say, 'I love you," and continue to tell you how I've always loved you since first year in this very long paragraph. If you don't understand, I'll repeat to make the paragraph even longer. So yes, this is a very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very long paragraph that'sbunchedintoonespace," professed Hermione in one, single breath.

"And this is where I tell you I love you too, Hermione." His dark green eyes screamed his emotion into Hermione's eyes.

Hermione purred.

"Did you just purr?"

Hermione did it again. "Yes, because it's amazingly sexy."

"I thought you sounded like Crookshanks and a bull frog having their way, but it aroused me anyway," Harry said, his voice low and husky like a sexy beast.

"I'm so glad we have contraceptive charms. Then we can have sex all night long without having to worry about getting pregnant unlike the Americans across the pond."

Hermione laughed, "Ha, losers."

And they continued with their lovemaking because that's what two people in love do all the time-lovemake.

If you guys review, I'll give you cookies.

P.S: If you guys review, I'll buy you each a car.

P.P.S: If you guys review, I'll fucking give you Mars.