Parody…to the Extreme
Viopathartic
So, yeah, this is a parody of the Crapilogue. It's short but that's because the original was short too.
Read along with the original Crapilogue if you like. You'll definitely see the contrast.
Nineteen Fucking Years Later
Autumn seemed to arrive suddenly that year. The morning of the first of September was crisp and golden as an apple, and a family delightfully made their way to the train station. Along the way, they passed a vomiting homeless drunk, a robbery being investigated at the local bar, and a gaggle of almost bare prostitutes lined up against the wall facing the train station. One of the girls called out a name that sounded suspiciously like "Ginny" and asked whether or not she was coming back to her old job. "Ginny" ignored the woman. It was a fine, fine morning in London.
A redheaded girl trailed tearfully behind her brothers, clutching her father's arm.
"It won't be long, and you'll be going too," Harry told her.
"Two years," sniffed Lily. "I want to go now!"
"Hey, fuck off, little girl. I want that too because you're so goddamn annoying!"
The girl backed down and ran away, only to be found in the dark, mysterious alleys of London later that day.
The commuters were wondering why the fuck the family was carrying owls with them. It was like they'd never seen such creatures. It's not like it happened every year for them. Albus's voice drifted back to Harry over the surrounding clamor; his sons had resumed the argument they had started in the car.
"I won't! I won't be in Slytherin!"
"James, give it a rest!" said Ginny. "Stop scaring your brother. He's already a scared little twit. Merlin, why did I have you…"
James gave her the impedicus and then broke into a run with his trolley and vanished through a brick column.
As though to soothe his wife's temper, Harry leaned down and gave Ginny a kiss.
"Harry, you're gonna mess up my makeup!" she whined, coyly blushing. She immediately reached for a mirror from her purse and checked her face.
"Don't worry, honey; it doesn't make you any prettier."
Side by side, they pushed the second trolley forward, gathering speed. As they reached the barrier, Albus winced, but no collision came. He wondered where the other Weasleys were and asked his mother.
"We'll find them," said Ginny, annoyed, "now shut up."
A group of four people emerged from the mist, standing alongside the very last carriage. Their faces only came into focus when Harry, Ginny, and Albus had drawn right up to them. Albus let out a relieved sigh.
"Parked all right, then?" Ron asked Harry. "I did. Hermione didn't believe I could pass a Muggle driving test, did you? She thought I'd have to Confund the examiner."
"No, I didn't," said Hermione almost with a straight face. She turned away from her husband, muttering, "I thought you'd have to kill him."
"As a matter of fact, I did Confund him…and made sure he'd never have children again," Ron whispered to Harry, as together they lifted Albus's trunk and owl onto the train.
The kids continued to discuss which House they would be sorted into when they finally went to Hogwarts. Ron attempted to make a joke, but the kids glared at them and he stopped.
"Hey!"
James had reappeared; he had divested himself of his trunk, owl, and trolley, and was evidently bursting with news.
"Teddy's back there," he said breathlessly, pointing back over his shoulder into the billowing clouds of steam. "Just seen him! And guess what's he doing? Shagging Victoire!"
He gazed up at the adults, evidently disappointed by the lack of reaction.
"Our Teddy! Teddy Lupin, you bastards! Shagging our Victorie! Our cousin! Isn't that almost incest? And I asked Teddy what he was doing-"
"You interrupted them?" Ginny petulantly said. "You are so, like, oh my god, like Ron-"
"B-but-" James stuttered, wondering why the adults were so nonchalant about shagging. "They're-"
"James, it's a natural part of life. Get used to it," said his mother.
Behind Ginny's back, Hermione and Harry exchanged saucy winks with each other. This exchange went unnoticed by the redheaded witch; the same way it had gone unnoticed for a good nineteen years. James looked questionably at his aunt and dad. Of course, he always knew they made a good pair. He read his father's biography written by some lady named Just Kidding Rowling. What a bitch. She couldn't spot love if it punched her.
Clearing his throat, Harry reached in his pocket and checked the battered old watch that had once been Fabian Prewett's.
"It's nearly eleven; you'd better get on board, guys."
"Don't forget to give Neville our love!" Ginny told James as she hugged him.
"Mum! I can't give a professor love!"
"Why not, I certainly did a few days ago."
James blinked at his mum, but she only gave him another plastic smile. "Just say 'hi' to him them."
"Bye, Al," said Harry as Albus hugged him. "Don't forget to visit Hagrid. Don't mess with Peeves because you'll die. Don't duel anyone until you're sure that you can beat their arse. And don't let your fucking brother wind you up. You're so gullible some times, you know."
"What if I'm in Slytherin?"
The whisper was for his father alone, and Harry knew that only the moment of departure could have forced Albus to reveal how great and sincere the fear was.
"It doesn't matter to us. We'll still love you even if you get sorted into Slytherin."
Albus Severus smiled, heartened by his father's words.
Then, Harry added, "Actually, no. I lied. I'm surprised that you didn't commit suicide after learning how to spell your own name. Bring extra pairs of undies, buddy; you're gonna need them." His son's smile slowly faded…
Harry patted his son's head after standing back up. "Oh, and if you ARE sorted into Slytherin, don't bother coming home. Alright? Okay, love you, buddy."
Albus Severus wanted to sever his hand.
Doors slammed all along the scarlet train, and the blurred outlines of parents were swarming forward for final kisses and last minute beatings. And just like that, Harry saw that his children were gone.
Hallelujah!
The train rounded a corner. Harry's hand was still raised in farewell.
"He'll be all right," murmured Ginny.
"Hey, fuck off, I didn't ask you. Now get away from me."
Ginny turned her head, catching the eye of Draco who was standing near his wife Astonia Greengrass. He winked suggestively, and suddenly, Ginny realized it was time to get out the old gear and put her only skills back to work.
Harry tapped Ron on the shoulder. "Ron...is that Luna blowing kisses at you?"
Ron turned his head and indeed, the younger blond witch was wearing a seductive dress and casually waving and kissing the air across the street from them.
"Uh...no."
"Hey, is that Luna with a child?"
"She has a kid!"
Indeed, Luna was also holding the hand of a small red-headed child with freckles and blue eyes. He looked suspiciously like Ronald Weasley.
"And Ron," Harry began, "is that Luna holding a sign to you?"
Ron turned his head and indeed, she was holding up a huge sign with print that he could not read.
"Uh, no..."
"Hey, Ron, is Luna holding up a sign that says 'I'm having another one of Ron's babies! AFFAIR, AFFAIR, AFFAIR?"
"No…"
"Okay," Hermione and Harry said in unison. Obviously, he wasn't lying.
Later on while the three friends were walking through Diagon Alley, Hermione and Harry quickly excused themselves. They suddenly found an urge to check some books at the local bookstore. Ron waved happily after them, not dwelling on the fact that Harry never really liked books and that he had slapped Hermione's behind as they were walking away.
So yeah, all was not well because Ron soon found out about Hermione and Harry's lust/love driven affair and yelled, kicked, and yes, screamed. He also became the next Dark Lord.
But after, he got a bit tired and retired from his position as Mr. Evil. He settled down with the ever-so dreamy Luna. Their daughter, Emily, eventually fell in love with Harry and Hermione's eleventh son Bibbity Bobbity Boo Potter.
Find out about the Weasley-Potter romance in the sequel which will be posted in 5 years!!!
SERIOUS AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Sadly, this is the last chapter of this story. For all of those who are wondering why, my dad was killed in a drunk driving accident.
He was the drunk driver.
This is a saddening event for me. Not because he died but because I won't get any of his money. I hated the bastard but still wanted his money.
Also, the FBI is placing my family under the Witness Protection Program because my uncle is targeted by the mafia.
And, my fingers got cut off by a knife so I had my pet monkey to type this message up.
What a smart monkey.