Parody…to the Extreme
…I don't even know.
Just read carefully, I guess.
LINE:
Summary: Harry and Ron both love Hermione. She chooses Harry but ends up being married to Ron for some apparent reason that is unknown to readers. Find out who Hermione chooses and how it severely changes absolutely nothing.
On January 3, 1997, 7:56:43 (because he was timing), Harry fell in love.
He was doing his homework when suddenly saw the way her eyes shined when she laughed. The way her nose wrinkled when she read. How her hair looked so soft...
That was when he found out that he was in love with Hermione Granger.
Yes, just like that. It was like...bam.
Hit him like a freaking sumo wrestler.
He knew he couldn't keep it inside. He had to tell Ron. Unfortunately, his reaction was not what Harry expected.
"NO! WHY? WHY? TELL ME WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS?"
Harry tried to reason with his best friend. "Ron-"
"I FANCY HER, you know? It doesn't matter if she hates me. Doesn't even matter she thinks I have the emotional range of a teaspoon. I FANCY her. That's what important! And why would she pick you anyways? You don't make her cry everyday! You don't cause her to blow up every time you say something rude! I DO! That's what matters!"
"Fine. I will let you have Hermione. Why? Well, because I'm not a selfish bastard and I'm willing to give up my happiness for you," said Harry calmly.
"Don't forget the fact that you're going to die soon," Ron added.
"Right. And I don't want to put her in danger...even though I have put her in danger for the past six years."
"Right."
The two boys looked at each other.
Harry's heart was broken in tiny pieces. He knew that he would never get over this moment and would never forgive Ron for-
Ron stuck out his hand, "Chums?"
Harry grinned widely, shaking his friend's hand, "Yep."
So that was it. Harry knew that from now on he would have to lock up his heart and throw away the key.
It has been a month since he confessed his feelings to his best mate. Oddly, their friendship was the same as before even though they both sought the heart of the same girl. Harry was sitting in the corner of the Common Room, sipping on his firewhi--erm, butterbeer while he glared at the happy couple on the couch. Were they blatantly trying to shove what he lost in his face?
"What's got you moping in the corner?" Neville asked, suddenly appearing next to Harry. His friend took a large sip and pointed morosely towards Hermione and Ron.
"Oh, looks like Ron is bothering Hermione again."
"No," Harry scoffed, "they're practically snogging!"
Neville squinted his eyes. From what he was seeing, Ron was trying to snog Hermione--"trying" being the key term.
"GET OFF, RON!" Hermione yelled furiously, pushing the horny teenager away from her. Ron fell back onto the couch, looking a bit hurt.
"Erm, Harry...no they're not."
"See! She's totally in love with him! I'm not blind!"
"Apparently you are," Neville muttered.
"Eh?"
"Nevermind. Hey, look she's coming over." Harry stashed away the firewhis--wait, no, butterbeer under the seat of the chair. Hermione was readjusting her shirt after barely escaping the attempted rape committed by Ronald Weasley.
"Hey, Harry," she said grumpily, sitting down across from Harry.
"Hey," he said in a cold tone.
"Can you do something about Ron? He acts like we're together but I want nothing to do with
him."
"Yeah, why don't you just snog in front of everyone?" Harry said, appearing to have ignored Hermione's last sentence.
"Harry, stop. This is ridiculous," she said.
"I'M JUST TRYING TO CAUSE SOME DRAMA, OKAY? UNNECCESARY DRAMA, YEAH, BUT HEY, IT HELPS BOOST UP THE AUTHOR'S POPULARITY!"
"What?" Hermione exclaimed. What author? Why was Harry acting like they were in some sort of...story?
"YOU KNOW WHAT? NEVERMIND! I'M JUST GOING TO--
"Why are you yelling?"
"THE AUTHOR IS TRYING TO MAKE IT SEEM AS IF I'M REALLY ANGRY, SO SHE THINKS THE CAPITALS WILL HELP!"
"...How about you two just separate and cool off, right?" Neville mediated. Hermione took one last look at Harry before whirling around and walking away...only to be met by Ron.
Harry wanted to make sure to hear this conversation, so he dodged Neville and moved. From the corner of his eye he saw Ginny heading his way. Caught up in his best friends' conversation, he took out his wand and blasted Ginny into the fireplace where she BURNED.LIKE.HELL.
"Hermione, will you be my girlfriend?"
"No! You're an arsehole and I hate you!"
Ron turned red. "Yeah? Well, you're a bucktooth know-it-all!"
Hermione sobbed as she ran back to her room.
Ron laughed turning to face Harry. "We're definitely made for each other."
Harry stared at the ceiling of his dormitory.
And stared.
Stared.
Still staring.
Then, "I'm so depressed."
It was obvious Harry was suffering; he was wearing black.
By now, Hermione and Ron were probably shagging. God, all of that sexual tension! It was obvious by the constant mocking and annoyance. Everyone saw it, and immediately believed the two would end up together.
His heart was shattered and could not be fixed with a simple Reparo. He knew that he couldn't stay anymore.
So, he packed his things, hoping that one day, he would find his soul across the horizon...and some other philosophical crap.
When Hermione found Harry had left, she felt utterly broken down. If only she had told him her true feelings. Now, the chance was gone.
Hermione, being the logical witch, knew that the only way she could continue to love Harry...was by marrying Ron.
After the wedding, she later abandoned all her ambitions and become a frumpy house wife just like Ron's mummy.
MANY YEARS LATER WHERE HERMIONE IS MARRIED TO A GUY SHE DOES NOT LOVE, WHERE SHE HAS BEARED THE CHILDREN OF A GUY SHE DOES NOT LOVE, and WHERE SHE STILL CONTINUES TO STAY WITH A GUY THAT SHE DOES NOT LOVE. HARRY, RESIDENT SLUT, SPOTTED HERMIONE DURING THE MINISTRY BALL. HER REACTION:
"Harry?"
"Hey," Harry gave her his "famous" lopsided (author wonders: how's the possible?) grin that made Hermione a bit weak in the knees.
"I-I thought you were dead," she whispered. She suddenly noticed how close they were. Harry could count the freckles on her nose which only meant that he was invading her personal space.
"Well, I'm not. How are you," he asked in a low voice.
"Hermy! Hermy--blargh."
Hermione rolled her eyes. Her husband, Ron, was home again from the bar. That was what he seemed to be doing lately. Getting drunk without a care in the world.
Regardless of the constant arguments, the affairs with other women, the cases of domestic abuse, she still stayed. She stayed because she loved Harry.
"I'm fine…"
"Look, I know it's been 5 years…"
"Harry, it's been 25 years."
"Really?" Harry scratched his head. "That long?"
"Yeah."
"Well, then I've waited too long. I need to tell you…that I was in love with you the day that I left. And I still am in love with you," confessed Harry.
Hermione couldn't believe it. Her heart leapt like a tiny leprechaun. Harry was in love with her! But why didn't he tell her sooner?
"Why didn't you just talk to me?"
"Ron."
"So?"
"He fancied you."
"So?"
"He's my best friend."
"So?"
Harry mentally groaned. Damn. He should have thought of that.
"Well, your feelings didn't really matter back then. Besides having a rift between one guy and his best mate over a female caused much more drama," Harry stated matter-of-factly. He looked around before leaning in and whispering, "I heard a lot of girls dig the drama."
Hermione didn't seem to believe him, so he continued to explain.
"I've shagged Parvati, Lavender, Cho, Ginny, Hannah, and Padma...in fact, I may be the father of their babies. But they don't matter! I always knew I was in love with you, Hermione," Harry confessed, looking into her brown chocolate ice cream eyes. Yumm...
Hermione saw the love in his eyes because she was an expert eye-reader. She believed him.
"What do we do?"
Harry sighed, running a hand through his hair. DEAD SEXY. "Well, there's not other option...let's just have an affair."
"Okay!"
Omg this is by far the lonegest chapther i've writtin! 3 pages, hellz yeah.