Unofficial Portkey Archive the Extreme by Viopathartic
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Parody 2


Pluto: 2 people

Mars: 7 people

Uranus: Kelsey

Jupiter: hoser41

Moon: Jess2425

SUN: GOLDENROSE (did you guys know that she used to be my beta? Yes, she greatly assisted me by editing Voldemort's Strongest Weakness-a really old fic of mine on that has NOT been updated for a year or so?)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: See there's kind of a point to these notes. The author says a lot important things here. For example, last chapter, I said that everything below a certain line would not be my actual writing and only my portrayal of the other fanfictions

Some of you believe it is my real style of writing. Hopefully, for those who have read my other pieces, you realize that this is not my REAL WRITING.


And a message for Harry85: I understand what you are saying and I'm glad you did not flame me.

A writer should not care what others think of their work. What they write is what they think and if one person disagrees with that view, it's okay. Everyone has their own opinions and own ways to express. I won't care if some one makes fun of my writing. Go ahead. Hell, I'm 15 so my writing may be a bit immature in this fic.

But if you do it just because you see this message, expect a response from me.

Besides, I'm making a parody of different pieces from all fanfiction sites. I am not targeting one specific writer.

This is a parody of a common theme in fanfiction these days. Harry Potter suddenly becomes a babe and a powerful wizard.


And the writer decides to mention everything in one single chapter.


When Harry Potter got out of bed, it was as if a new flower was blooming. As if the sun was rising majestically over the horizon. As if--

"Merlin, when did I get such a hot bod?" The young man caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

His muscle shirt (also his sleeping shirt) showed off his sculpted body. His jeans (that he also slept in) fit just perfectly and ameliorated his arse. His hair was tied in a long ponytail and he had a nose ring.

How did he get such a model worthy figure?

At first Harry believed it was because of the 1000 miles he ran over the summer.

But then...

Harry walked over to his nightstand and picked up a potion box that read, "BOD UP...created to give person large muscles, sexy long raven hair, and a rad new outfit that can be goth, rich, or outlandishly gay. Side effects-"


The lights went out because Harry's magical aura-whatever it was-was so strong that it burst every light bulb in his room. A glowing ring of gold surrounded the young man's body and he rejoiced in the feeling of the power that ran threw his veins.

"Wow, I feel so...powerful!"

The window of his room suddenly opened and a strong gust of wind came in, blowing in his direction. Strangely, he was not affected. It made him look hotter than the sun.

At once, an owl flew through the window and Harry picked up an envelope

All of the sudden, a headache caused Harry to flinch in pain. He gasped. It was worse than his scar. He began to pick up garbled sounds which eventually morphed into actual words.

The voice of Aunt Petunia floated into his mind, "Vernon's not home...that means I have fifteen minutes with the neighbor and another twenty minutes with the postal service person. I wonder if they will like the lingerie that I selected..."

Harry jerked back. He just read someone's mind!

His face slowly turned green once his mind processed what he had just overheard. He ran out to the corridor and puked into the bathroom sink.

A few minutes later, Harry went back into his room to contemplate everything.

"Okay so...I have the power to read minds. Does that mean--?"


Harry wordlessly summoned his belongings, and they flew obediently into his hands. Of course, he was never able to do nonverbal magic, but since he was now of age...

"Why am I getting all these powers?"

Then he figured it out.

"Of course! I'm of age so that means I get these powers," said Harry out loud, wondering how he missed that important fact. Dumbledore never told him and since he was a manipulative bastard, Harry was glad he was dead.

"But what happened to my glasses?" The boy asked in wonder. He reached up to feel his eyes and realized he had somehow obtained eye contacts. Even though he thought the prospect of contacts completely took over the image that Harry Potter used to have, he had to admit...he did look drop dead gorgeous.

"That's because you are," came a voice.

Harry jumped from his bed and saw that a black panther was pacing his floor. The animal quickly morphed into a man. He had semi short black hair and his skin was pale white. His nose was placed oddly on his face-as if it was surgically removed and placed back. He wore a black suit and had white gloves.

"Who are you?"

"Never you mind, Harry."

"Why are you here?" Harry stepped closer to the person.

"You're of age. The spell has worn off. I am in charge of teaching you everything I know," the mystery man said calmly.

"I've been watching over you for awhile, Harry."

"…even when I was in the bathroom?"

The man nodded with his hands clasped in front of him. "You don't need to know."

"You seem to have a lot of questions, Harry."

"Can you stop saying my name?"

"Only if you come away with me. To a place where you can grow again."

"Okay," Harry decided. If going with the person who just snuck into his room meant that Harry would get stronger, then he'll go.

The man reached out a white glove and slowly, Harry grasped it. "By the way, since I'm going, what should I call you?"

"Jackson. Michael Jackson."

Harry was forever grateful. He learned everything from The King of Pop.

That's right. The King of Pop, who lived forever, who knew the meaning of life, and who was destined to teach Harry Potter everything he knew.

After one GRUELING day, Harry was ready.

Harry exchanged a few words in Parseltongue to a snake that was slithering around Diagon Alley. His name was Bongo. He was currently hiding in Harry's sleeve.

After arriving at Gringotts, Harry spoke Goblinspeak with awing accuracy. The goblins respected him.

He and a couple other Goblins sat down to discuss serious matters.

"Harry Potter. Heir of Godric Gryffindor," announced one Goblin.

"Heir of Rowena Ravenclaw-"

"Heir of Helga Hufflepuff-"

"Heir of Salizar Slytherin-"

"Heir of Sirius Black-"

"Heir of James Potter-"

"Heir of Billy Jones the third twice removed from the family line who also happens to be Dumbledore's great great great great grandson-"

"-so basically, you're Albus Dumbledore's great great great great great grandson," finished the goblin, unbothered.

"Wicked! So…how much do I get?" Harry asked enthusiastically.

"Property. A lot of properties."


"Well…Godric's Hollow, Helga's Hollow, Rowena's Hollow, Salazar's Hollow, Billy's hut in Madrid…" the goblin checked his list and added after, "And I believe there's also a castle in a place called HP Land…"

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