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Chapter Nine
We Belong
"Close your eyes and try to sleep now
Close your eyes and try to dream
Clear your mind and do your best
To try and wash the palette clean
We can't begin to know it
How much we really care
I hear your voice inside me
I see your face everywhere"
-We Belong by Pat Benetar
(Hermione)
"Miss Granger?"
My English teacher, Mrs. Talley, was calling on me. I heard her, but I didn't answer. I was too busy doodling on my
notebook.
"Miss Granger?" she asked again impatiently.
"Yes, ma'am," I said, reluctantly looking up from my notebook.
"Well, thank you for finally answering me," Mrs. Talley said. "What I asked you was if you read the assigned chapters?"
"No," I said looking down at my desk, not meeting her eyes.
"You've not completed any of the assignments since the school year began," Mrs. Talley said. "You are in danger of flunking this class and we haven't even finished half the school year. Is that what you want?"
"No," I said. I could feel the eyes of the entire classroom on me.
"Well, then, I think you should go and see your guidance counselor," she said. "Gather up your things. It's a waste of my time and a complete disrespect to your fellow students when you haven't even bothered to complete your assignments."
I nodded glumly and quickly gathered up my books and stuffed them into my backpack. Mrs. Talley glared at me as I got up and started for the door. As I closed the door behind me, I heard her begin the lesson again.
Again, I had to marvel at how much I had changed in such a short period of time. The old me would have been the first one to raise her hand in class; the one who had read the assignment when everyone else hadn't. More than likely, I'd be the one who read more than the class had. I would hang on the words of all the teachers and take notes like a fiend.
Those days were over. This new me didn't pay attention. She didn't take notes. She was barely there. I'd come to think of this school as a place that I was forced to go for eight hours a day to appease my parents. It might not have been so bad if they'd at least allowed me to attend an American magic academy, but no they had wanted to distance me from all that I knew and all that I loved.
Harry's visit had bolstered my spirits, but as the days passed on, my heart ached to see him again. It had been almost two weeks since that had happened. I had no idea if he'd been caught. I had no idea if anything had happened with Voldemort. I had no idea, period. That was what was killing me.
When I finally reached the door of the guidance counselor's office, I knocked and a voice from behind the door asked me to come on in.
I'd only met with her once before when I first began classes. She seemed nice enough. She was in her thirties. She had a short, black pixie-style haircut and today was wearing a white linen top with a grey skirt.
"Ah, Hermione Granger," Ms. Reynolds said, ushering me inside. She motioned for me to take a seat and I did. "What brings you to see me? Shouldn't you be in English?"
I nodded. "Mrs. Talley sent me here because I didn't do the assignment."
"She's expressed some concerns about you," Ms. Reynolds said. "She said that you haven't been turning in assignments, you haven't participated in discussions and you haven't paid attention in class."
"She's correct," I said.
"That's a report from most of your teachers," she said. "Is there anything you want to talk about? Are there any problems at home?"
"I wouldn't know," I said.
She looked at me confused. "You wouldn't know if there were problems at your home?"
"That's right," I said defiantly.
"I'm afraid I don't understand," she said.
"This isn't my home," I said. "My home is a thousand miles away. This isn't my school. My school is a thousand miles away. So, if there are any problems at 'home' I wouldn't know because I'm not there, am I?"
She looked at me for a second, trying to comprehend what I'd just said.
"I understand how hard it can be to move from a place where you feel secure into a new environment where you aren't sure-"
I interrupted her. "You can't possibly understand what I'm going through. I'm so sick of everyone saying they understand. If they did, this wouldn't be happening. I was perfectly happy where I was, you know? No one asked me if I wanted any of this. They just did it. When I questioned it, they said they did it for me. Can you believe that? They did this for me? What did they expect I would do thank them for taking me away from the only friends I've ever had? Thank them for taking me away from a place that became my second home? Taking me away at a time when I was needed most of all? Do you understand that? Because if you do, I would really like you to explain it to me because I don't understand at all."
I knew I was rambling, but every emotion that I'd held back for weeks came pouring to the surface. Once I'd started, I couldn't stop myself.
"Have you told your parents this?" she asked me cautiously.
"They won't listen to me," I said, glumly. I put my face in my hands. "They won't listen to anything I say. All I want is to go back home, but they won't let me."
"Why did your parents move here, Hermione?" she asked.
"Well, they say it was to protect me."
"Protect you from what? Your records indicate that you were a straight-A student at your last school. The letters of recommendation all describe you as a smart, clever, well-mannered young woman."
"It's a long story," I said. "My parents didn't like my school."
"Well, what was their problem with it?"
That was a loaded question if ever there was one. I couldn't very well tell this woman the truth, now could I? If I did, I have a feeling she'd be recommending a full psychiatric evaluation of one Hermione Granger.
"You'd have to ask them," I said.
"I think I will," she said.
I smiled. My parents obviously weren't listening to me. Maybe they'd listen to Ms. Reynolds. She was an educated woman. If she told them how unhappy I was here and how this just wasn't working out, maybe they'd do something about it. It was worth a shot, and frankly, I was running out of time.
(Harry)
There were more important things to do than play a game of wizards' chess with Ron. I had a load of homework that only seemed to increase by the day. In addition to my Occlumency lessons with Snape, I had two essays to do for Professor Binns, I had three rolls of parchment due for McGonagall and I had to study for the quiz Professor Sprout was going to give us tomorrow in Herbology.
Ron was about as bad off as I was. Both of us had taken the art of procrastination to a new level. If Hermione could see us now, she'd roll her eyes at the two of us.
We'd had good intentions when we set up our books and parchment and quills at a table in the common room after dinner. We'd decided that tonight was the night we'd both get caught up. That had worked for about an hour before Ron, who'd grown increasingly agitated over his Potions' homework, asked me if I fancied a game of chess. We'd promised each other we'd only play for an hour and then resume our studies. That had been nearly two hours ago. The common room was slowly beginning to empty. There was only a handful of students still there, Ron and I included.
"Harry?"
"Hmmm?" I said. I had rested my chin on my elbow as I waited for Ron to make his next move.
"Your move, mate," he said.
"No, it's not," I said, stifling a yawn. "It's yours."
"I just went," he said. "See, I just captured your pawn."
I looked down at the board.
"Oh," I said. "Actually, Ron, can we finish this tomorrow? I'm dead knackered."
"Me, too," he said.
"So much for catching up," I said, rising from my chair. Ron did the same and we walked back over to the table where we'd laid out our belongings. As we began to gather everything up, Ron sank down onto one of the chairs.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Nothing," he said, frowning.
"Well, it's obviously something," I said.
"I was thinking about Hermione," he said. "I think we took her for granted, you know?"
I nodded.
"If she could see us now," Ron began.
"She'd be disgusted with us," I finished.
"Yeah," Ron said, a faraway look coming over his face. "Do you really think she's okay?"
"I dunno," I said, avoiding his gaze. "I hope so."
"We haven't talked about her, too much, you and me," Ron said. "Why is that?"
"Maybe we're afraid of talking about it because somehow it will make it all seem real."
"Yeah," Ron said. "Can I tell you something, Harry?"
"Sure," I said. "Shoot."
He looked down at the table and then out the window. I couldn't imagine what had him all nervous like that.
"It's kind of hard to talk about," he said. "I've never actually said this to anyone. Fred and George used to tease me about it all the time, but I used to just tell them to shove off whenever they said it."
"Spill your guts, mate," I said, taking a seat directly opposite him.
He looked around the room, as if he was checking to make sure no one could hear our conversation. He was making me nervous just looking at him.
"Okay," he said. "Well, for a long time, actually, I've kind of had…"
"What?" I asked impatiently, as his voice trailed off.
"Well, you remember during fourth year when Hermione started seeing Krum? I was really put off about the whole thing. I thought it was because I was mad that she was talking to someone you were competing against, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was more than that."
"What are you trying to say Ron?"
"I kind of, sort of, you know, like Hermione," he said.
"Well, I should hope so, I mean, she's our friend," I said, beginning again to gather up my books.
"No," Ron said, shaking his head. "You don't understand, Harry. I like-like Hermione. You know, the way that you liked Cho Chang last year?"
I froze. I couldn't imagine why this news was shocking to me. I'd suspected as much. Hearing it though right from the horse's mouth was something different entirely. I didn't know what to say about this. I didn't know what to feel about this. I just felt numb.
"Say something," Ron said.
"Uh-", was all that came out.
"Come on, Harry," Ron said. "You must have known. I mean, she and I-"
"You fight like cats and dogs," I said. "You fight all the time."
"Yeah," he said. "I know it doesn't make sense, but maybe we fight like that to cover up our feelings."
I looked at him, my mouth agape.
"I know," he said. "This is pretty big. I couldn't believe it myself, but I'll tell you this, Harry. If she comes back, I won't waste anymore time dancing around her. I'm going to tell her how I feel."
I nodded.
"Well," Ron said, yawning. "I'm going to go on upstairs. You coming?"
"Uh, in a minute," I said.
"Okay," he said, heading for the staircase. Before ascending the stairs, he turned around and said to me with a smile, "You have no idea how good it felt to finally get that out. Thanks for listening, Harry."
I mumbled, "Anytime," as I watched him go upstairs.
A few minutes ago, I'd felt as if I was about to fall out from exhaustion. Now, I was so wired, I knew I wouldn't be able to go to sleep anytime soon. I sat in that chair for a long time. I suddenly knew what I had to.
As soon as I made it to Hagrid's front door, I slipped off my dad's invisibility cloak. I draped it over my shoulder, and knocked on Hagrid's door, praying he wouldn't already be asleep or gone.
A few moments later, he came to the door, dressed in a pair of the largest blue and grey plaid pajamas I'd ever seen. On top of his head, he wore a nightcap.
"'arry," he said, opening the door. "Why you here so late?"
I pushed passed him, which wasn't an easy job to do, but he shut the door behind me. I sat down on one of his large chairs and couldn't help feeling a flash of memories come over me at the times the three of us had come down here to visit Hagrid.
"Are you alright?" he asked me. "Do you want some tea?"
I shook my head. "I'm sorry for coming down here so late, Hagrid, but I couldn't sleep."
Hagrid sat down on one of the other chairs, which suited him a lot better than it did me.
"Alright," he said. "What's the matter?"
"Where would you like me to begin," I said moodily. "It's everything, but most of all. It's Ron. It's Hermione. It's Ron and Hermione, together. I mean, could you imagine two people who are least suited for each other than the two of them."
"What are you on about, 'arry?" Hagrid said. "What's this about Ron and 'ermione?"
"That's what I'd like to know," I said, getting up from my chair and pacing in front of Hagrid. "The two of them used to drive me crazy arguing and bickering all over the place over the most stupid things, but all of a sudden Ron is confessing to me that he has these feelings for Hermione. Can you believe that? I mean, I always suspected he had something for her, but I had no idea that it was like this."
Hagrid just stared at me as I continued to pace back and forth in front of him. If I wasn't mistaken, I heard him stifle a chuckle every now and then as I continued my tirade.
"You don't think that she feels that way about him do you? I mean, I don't think she does, but then again, I don't understand girls, period. Why are you laughing?"
Hagrid tried to put on a serious face. "Sorry, 'arry. I really am, but I think you know why I'm laughing."
"No, I don't," I said. "Frankly, it's starting to make me mad, Hagrid."
"I don't want to make you mad," he said. "Sit down, you're startin' to make me nervous. I can't talk to ya when you're up and about like that."
I did as I was told, and Hagrid looked at me for a long time before continuing.
"I've been watching you lot since ya came here," he began. "The three of ya have been like my own family. It broke my heart when I heard about what 'appened with 'ermione. It really did."
"Hagrid," I said impatiently.
He continued.
"That 'ermione is a special girl. I'm not just talking about how smart she is, etiher. She's a great girl and I knew it was only a matter of time before the two of you lunkheads figured it out for yourselves. You know the real reason you're so upset by what Ron told ya, don't ya?"
"No," I said.
"Yes, you do," he said. "It's because you might feel the same way about 'ermione that Ron does, maybe even more."
"No, I don't," I said, looking away from Hagrid. "She's my best friend."
"So," Hagrid said. "The best relationships start out from friendships. I happen to know one, in particular."
"Who's?" I asked, intrigued.
"Your mum and dad, for one," he said.
"From what I've seen my mother thought my dad was a pompous git when they were at school here," I said unconvinced. "From what I've seen, I think he was too."
"You don't know the full story," Hagrid said. "Once your dad got over that arrogance, your mum and he were about as close as you could get. You rarely saw one without the other. Kind of reminds me of another couple of Gryffindors I know."
"Yes, Hagrid, but still I can't feel that way about Hermione! She's my friend."
"Who you trying to convince, 'arry? Me or yourself?" he asked me.
"I'm not trying to convince anyone," I said, angrily.
"Well, ask yourself this," he said. "Why are you so worked up about all of this if she's just your friend?"
"What?"
"Well, if she was just your friend," he said. "Why are you so upset to hear that Ron likes her? If she's just your friend, you should be happy that your best friends might like each other, right?"
To that, I didn't have a response. Hagrid looked down at me with an 'I told you so" expression.
"I should probably get back up to the castle," I said, getting up from the chair and picking up my cloak.
"Alright," Hagrid said, following me to the door.
"Think about what I said," he said, as he closed the door behind me.
He had no idea how what he'd said would haunt me for the next couple of days.