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Sirius and Remus's happy (and somewhat disturbing) reunion was interrupted by the arrival of lunch; Dobby the house-elf appeared with an abundance of delicious foods.
"Thank GOD! Real food! I haven't eaten anything but sunflower seeds since fanfiction.net opened online," said Mulder, loading a plate with steak and potatoes.
"That's nothing!" said Hermione. "At least you haven't been paired in a romantic ship with every male in the magical universe and half the females."
"Same with me," said Harry, pulling a face. "Would you believe that people ship me and Malfoy together?"
"Well, at least in the fanfiction world he's a sex god. It could be worse," said Ron.
Hermione groaned. "Stop it, you're just trying to pair Harry with someone else so you can have me all to yourself."
"No, I'm not!" Ron paused. "Fine, I am. But you would too if the next best thing was being shipped with your own right hand. Either that or I'm evil or dead. You guys don't have that problem. Harry could always marry Ginny…"
Harry promptly vomited onto the floor.
"Oh, don't dump her on Harry, Ron," said Hermione. "Haven't you ever heard of Weasleycest?"
"We have!" chorused Fred and George.
Ron promptly vomited onto the floor.
"She's right, Ron," Sirius told him. "And let me tell you, you could do worse than your oldest brother…"
"Erm…" said Ron uneasily, "I'm sure there's someone out there who's not already paired up."
"Rumour has it Merchieftainess Murcus is single and looking," offered Harry.
"Harry!" Ron hissed. "You're giving them ideas!"
"Who?"
"Them…"
"Who?"
Ron drew a slow and shaky breath. "Harry, I have something I want to tell you." He grabbed Harry's arm and continued, "I see fanfiction writers. They're everywhere. They don't even know they're fanfiction writers."
A chill ran up Harry's spine. "When do you see them?"
Ron's voice had dropped to a trembling, horrified squeak; terror was etched into his face. "All the time."
Harry snorted. "Yeah, Ron, and I'm snogging Nearly Headless Nick."
"I'm serious!" said Ron.
"No, I'm Sirius!" said Sirius. Everyone laughed heartily.
"Don't worry, Ron, there's always Fleur Delacour," said Harry.
"'Fraid not," said Ron unhappily. "She and Bill just got engaged."
"That's too bad," said Harry. "She's a fox."
"No, I'm Fox!" said Mulder, and he laughed heartily. Nobody joined in. "Well how come it was so bleeping funny when he did it?" Mulder whined, pointing at Sirius. Scully buried her face in her hands, shaking her head.
"Anyway…" said Ron, who was goggling at Harry. "Since when do you notice girls, Harry?"
"What are you talking about?" asked Harry.
"I thought all this You-Know-Who fighting was permanently postponing your puberty."
"Alliteration, anyone?" said Hermione.
"Again," Harry interrupted, speaking to Ron, "what are you talking about?"
"Oh, come on, Harry," Ron laughed. "You remember what you used to be like…"
"Er…"
Ron cleared his throat and continued talking in a dead-on impression of Harry Potter, age fourteen: "Rumour is, I have a penis."
Everyone snorted with laughter, except for Harry, who still looked confused, and Hermione, who said, "Well, at least his willie is longer than his nose!"
Ron turned red and said, "I happen to have a very long nose."
Hermione was about to retort when suddenly the Great Hall's heavy oak doors swung open with a booming flourish. Into the hall strode Lucius Malfoy, followed closely by Draco, who was shaking fangirls from his legs as he walked.
Mulder stifled a laugh and nudged his partner, staring at the new visitors. "Scully, have you seen Lord of the Rings?" he whispered.
"Yes. And I know what you're thinking."
"So it's not just me."
"No, it's true. The older one looks exactly like that elf from the woods who bit the dust at Helm's Deep."
"Yeah, he was sort of creepy," said Mulder.
"Speaking of creepy, that Wormtongue guy really freaked me out," said Scully, shivering. "I mean, I've never been so damn scared of a movie character before. He actually gave me nightmares."
"Oh, are you okay, Scully?"
"I'm fine, Mulder."
The Malfoys swaggered over to the table, smirking at the whole group.
"Agents, this is Lucius Malfoy and his son Draco," said Professor Snape. "Lucius, these are FBI Agents Mulder, Scully, and the ravishingly beautiful Agent Monica Reyes." Reyes giggled. Doggett rolled his eyes, but was actually a bit grateful to Snape for not including him in the introductions.
"Nice to meet you," said Mulder, extending a hand. Lucius glanced at it but didn't move a muscle. Mulder frowned uncomfortably and raised the hand to his hair, trying to salvage a bit of his dignity.
"You're Muggles," Lucius scoffed. "What business could you possibly have here?"
"We're, uh, here to find out if our son is a wizard." He glanced over at William, who was perched on Monica's arm, happily petting Uncle John.
"Ah," said Draco, slowly stepping towards William. "A little baby Mudblood. How… sweet." He extended a finger towards the toddler, but almost lost it to the snapping jaws of the fluffy poodle.
"Don't call him that!" Ron snarled.
"What's a Mudblood?" Mulder whispered to Ron.
Still scowling at Malfoy, Ron told Mulder and Scully, "Mudblood is a really insulting thing to call a wizard who has Muggles for parents. It's about the worst thing you can call someone in the magical world."
"Worse than a bleepity bleep bleep horse-bleeper?" asked Scully, appalled. Mulder glanced at her, shocked at her language. Ron nodded solemnly.
Mulder turned around to face the Malfoys and let out a tense chuckle. "That's… nice. Yeah. You know what?" He pointed at Draco, then clenched his fist to keep his middle finger from going solo. "I don't want that little albino douchebag anywhere near my son."
Draco's lip curled in a snarl and he stepped forward challengingly, his hand moving to his wand. But his father grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back, glaring at Mulder.
"Oh, don't worry. Draco doesn't bother with those… things. Baby Mudbloods are little more than food for vicious three-headed dogs, and after-dinner mints for dragons. I suggest you keep your son under close watch, Mr. Mulder, or he may wander onto the plate of my hungry guard Chimaera. And that would be very messy, if you catch my drift-"
Mulder leaped forward with a growl, reaching for Lucius Malfoy's throat, but Scully held him back, barely.
"Mulder! Mulder, calm down!" She turned him towards her, away from the Malfoys, and placed her hands on his shoulders. "Take a deep breath. In and out, that's right. Okay. You okay?"
Mulder nodded and inhaled a deep angry breath through his nose, still glaring.
"Okay," said Scully. "Good. Now get out of my way."
She flung him aside with the strength that mothers use to lift crashed cars off their children, and sprang towards Malfoy, wildly swinging her fists and screaming war. "I'll bleeping kill you, mother-bleeper!!"
Scully was just about to connect a mean left hook to Lucius' jaw when Mulder grabbed her around the waist and yanked her away, still kicking and screaming. Only with the help of Harry, Hermione, and Ron could he restrain her. Finally she sat, exhausted and panting but still shooting her patented Ice Queen glares at Albino Douchebags Jr. and Sr.
Lucius shook his head. "Don't be fools, Agents. You want to fight us, we'll make it a proper wizard's duel."
Mulder's eyes lit up at the mere idea of violence. "Oooh, Scully, didya hear that? A duel!"
"No, Mulder," Scully said firmly, crossing her arms.
"But Scully-"
"No, Mulder."
"Aw, come on-"
"No, Mulder."
Ron laughed. "You are so whipped."
"I am not whi-," Mulder began to protest, but glanced at Scully, who smiled sweetly and tugged the proverbial leash. He turned back to Ron, sighed, and nodded.
"That's okay," said Ron sympathetically. "My mum has my dad whipped, too."
Lucius tapped his foot impatiently. "Well, Agent Muggle, what's the verdict?"
"Oh, I'm in," said Mulder.
"But Agent Mulder, she said…" Harry cocked an eyebrow and indicated Scully, who rolled her eyes and shrugged.
Mulder waved a hand dismissively. "Trust me, this won't be the first time I've blatantly disobeyed her orders not to do something stupid. Now all I have to do is get hurt and let her say 'I told you so.' Come on, Harry, let's get this party started."
"All right," said Lucius. "Who's your second?"
"You mean, like, my backup?"
"Yes. Someone to take over when- er, if- you die."
Mulder scoffed, unimpressed. "Whatever. I've died twice already, amateur."
Lucius ignored him. "My second is…" He looked hopefully at Snape, who gave him the death glare and the bird, and moved closer to Reyes. Lucius sighed. "Fine. Junior will be my second. Hurry up and choose yours."
Mulder glanced at Scully, who was now seated nearby with William on her lap, contentedly reading a wizards' magazine and munching on Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. Mulder frowned and asked Lucius, "What, may I ask, are the possible physical consequences of this duel?"
"Well, if the duel's between two really bad or really dumb wizards, you might just get hit by sparks," said Harry reassuringly.
"Too bad my father's neither bad nor dumb," sneered Malfoy. "I remember, one time back in second year, this really dumb kid got stuck belching up slugs for the rest of the day-"
"And in our fourth year this one bastard of a bloke got turned into a ferret," Ron interrupted hastily.
"It can be worse, though," said Hermione anxiously. "Really powerful wizards can cause serious pain and even kill-"
"I remember reading about this one bloke who came off worse in a duel, sometime around the turn of the century. The poor man was tripping over his own tongue for the rest of his life," said Fred.
"Of course," added George, "you can get the same effect with one of our ton-tongue toffees."
Mulder stared at him, appalled, but finally shook the disturbing visuals from his head. "All righty then, buddy, thanks for the info," he said with sarcastic cheer. "Well although a five-foot-long tongue could prove to be an interesting asset in the privacy of our own home, I think it's probably best not to put the mother of my son in that kind of dangerous situation, because I'm the big macho guy and I need to protect my family and all… okay, Scully?"
Scully didn't look up from her magazine. "Sure, fine, whatever, Mulder," she said nonchalantly. "Do you still want me to save your ass when you inevitably need me, or should I just fix you when you're dropped at my feet in nine pieces?"
"Funny, I said the same thing to Harry just last week," said Hermione.
Mulder frowned. "Uh… the first one? Yeah. Thanks, baby."
Scully looked up at him, narrowing her eyes. "Baby me and you'll be-"
"I know, I know, I'll be peeing through a catheter," he interrupted impatiently. "You're proud of that one, aren't you? I've only heard that line four thousand times in fan fiction. Oh, excuse me. Four thousand and one."
"I'm waiting," said Lucius loudly.
"Oh, right. Harry's my second," said Mulder, clapping Harry on the back.
Lucius smirked. "This should be interesting. But we can't forget to begin a wizard's duel the proper way."
"With a bow of respect?" Mulder guessed.
"With a lot of clever insults," Harry corrected him. "Nobody bothers bowing anymore. Anyway, let's get started, Mr. Malfoy. Why are you wearing a fur hat in the middle of May? It's warm outside. Having a bad hair day, are you?"
Furious, Lucius whipped off his hat, revealing a very large black bow tying back his sweeping blond hair. Ron snorted with suppressed laughter.
"I'm surprised he's even got enough hair to need a bow," Ron said. "Didn't they shave your head when you got thrown into prison?"
"Speaking of hair, Weasley," said Draco, "would you tone yours down a few shades? I can practically feel my corneas fulminating."
Mulder stood up straighter, wanting to join the insult-fest. "Yeah, well, you're… you're…" He paused. "Your mom sucks."
This earned derisive snickers from friend and foe alike. "Good one, Mr. King-of-the-X-Fools," Draco said sarcastically. "That hurts. Right here." He tapped his heart with his extended middle finger.
"All right, all right," said Lucius. "I've had enough verbal aggro now to last me a year. Let's get started already!" He huddled briefly with his son.
Harry turned to Mulder and said, "I hope you're a quick shot, because your gun's going to be your only chance here. You'll need to- ARGH!"
Mulder's cry joined Harry's, and together their screams echoed out of the Great Hall, past the borders of Hogwarts, and into the eternal heavens above.