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The peaceful meal, however, was soon interrupted by the arrival of another unwelcome visitor. They were alerted to its presence when Doggett leapt to his tiny feet, twitching nose pointing at the corner where the Malfoys lay. A fat, grey rat was stealthily eating away at the ropes that bound Lucius.
Silence permeated the Great Hall… A split second later everybody (save Snape and Reyes, who were busy feeding each other peeled grapes and small bits of cheese) jumped up at once.
"KRYCEK!" shouted Mulder and Scully.
"YIP!" yipped Doggett.
"WORMTAIL!" bellowed everybody else.
The rat ceased its gnawing when it saw the group of a dozen people all running wildly at it, wands and guns extended, respectively. The Malfoys tried to wriggle in front of the crowd to give the rat time to escape, but succeeded only in getting trampled.
Sirius and Remus led the horde as it chased the rat all through the halls of Hogwarts. Various random students joined the mob as it passed, shouting and running with the others because it looked like fun. The rat, meanwhile, was squeaking in terror as it spritzed through the hallways as fast as it could go.
As they passed the marble staircase to the Gryffindor common room, Mulder spoke. "Scully, is it just me-"
"No," said Scully, "I hear it too. That is unmistakably the Chariots of Fire theme song."
At that moment, Doggett the toy poodle ran ahead of the crowd and snatched up the rat in his tiny jaws. He chewed it vengefully for a while and then swallowed it, wriggling tail and all.
"How'd he get so fast?" said Mulder. "He's a bleeping poodle!"
"Well, we were all running in slow motion," Scully pointed out. Indeed, even the Malfoys had managed to keep up with them, rolling along in their bindings.
Speaking of Wormtail/Krycek incarnate, something that looked like a distant shadow suddenly floated through the wall near them.
"Hello, Alex," Ron said nonchalantly.
"Hey, Ron," said the shadow. "Who've you got there?"
"Just some visitors," Ron replied. "Come on over here, let me introduce you." Ron turned to the group as the shadow began to float closer. "Agents, this is one of our newer ghosts. We call him Left-Armless Alex."
"Oh, for Christ's sake," Mulder muttered, staring at the ghost of a familiar-looking man dressed all in black, with dark hair and eyes and an arrogant smirk on his face. "You just like to pop up all over the place, don't you, Krycek? Or should I say, Left-Armless Alex?" He and Scully snickered.
"Oh, come on!" Krycek whined, recognizing his former adversaries and promptly throwing a tantrum. "This is so not fair! How'd they even get here, Harry?"
Harry frowned. "You know, I've been wondering that myself, actually."
"Yeah," said Hermione, "seeing as Muggles can't get through to Platform 9 ¾ or use the Floo Network, either. And it says right in Hogwarts, a History that the school is protected by elaborate anti-Muggle charms, giving the entire castle and grounds the appearance of a dangerous ancient ruin."
"Sure it's impossible," said Mulder cheerfully. "But seeing as how this entire fanfic relies upon the Hogwarts setting, why don't we just ignore the blatant inaccuracy and just continue with this wonderfully humorous narrative?"
"Ignore the timeline, too?"
"Of course!" said Scully. "Who cares that you guys actually graduated three years before William was even born?"
"It's okay with me," said Harry, shrugging. "Anyway, you're hardly one to talk about inaccuracies, Alex. Only wizards are supposed to become ghosts."
"Yeah," said Mulder with a grin. "Explain that one away, why don't you?"
"Explain your whole bleeping mytharc, why don't you?" Krycek snapped.
Mulder opened his mouth to retort, then glanced at Scully, who shrugged, stumped. He frowned and looked at his feet. "Okay, not sure about that one," he mumbled. "But Chris Carter said he'd tell me when he figures it out."
Krycek rolled his eyes. "Oh, I see. Good thing the show's not over!" he said sarcastically. "You'd think if the truth were out there you might've found it by now-"
Mulder sighed. "All right, shut up, Ratboy. Go make yourself useful and get me a coffee."
Ron cocked an eyebrow at them. "So… apparently you guys know each other?"
"Unfortunately, yes," said Left-Armless Alex, glaring at them. "It seems I can never escape the heroic protagonism of Special Agent Fox Mulder, even when I'm frigging dead!"
"Trust me, Krycek, I wish you'd escaped to hell like I thought you did two years ago."
"Now, Mulder, be nice to your evil dead slash lover," Scully teased. Mulder and Krycek both rolled their eyes.
"You know, I have always regretted that kiss," said Krycek. "If I had known that my symbolic display of camaraderie would become homosexuality in fandom, I would have just shot you."
"I think I would have preferred that, actually," said Mulder.
"See!" said Ron. "That's what happens when unresolved sexual tension goes unchecked! After five or so years of..." he wagged a finger between Mulder and Scully, "...nothing, the slashers try to take over!"
"She's had my bleeping baby!" said Mulder, irritated. "I think any sexual tension has been officially resolved!"
"Not between you and me, it hasn't," said Krycek, winking at him. Mulder buried his face in his hands, mortified.
"Come on, people, talk to me!" said Ron. "I'm the expert in unresolved sexual tension. It's the story of my life!"
"Here we go again," Hermione muttered, exasperated. "If sexual tension is there, Ron, it is unresolved, and it is going to STAY that way! So give up!"
"Wait a minute," said Harry, frowning and turning to Hermione. "How do you know how long Ron's willie is?"
"What?" said Hermione, caught off guard by the abrupt change of subject.
"Earlier today," Harry reminded her, "you said at least-"
"Oh, yes. Well, if you must know-"
"What?"
"Oh, calm down, Harry! Do you really think I would ever sleep with Ron? As I was about to say..." Hermione paused for dramatic effect. "Malfoy told me."
"Hey!" shouted Ron and Draco simultaneously.
"Don't be ridiculous," drawled Lucius from the corner. "The Dark Lord would have none of that from Draco, don't you know He's a homophobe?"
Remus and Sirius looked at each other uneasily.
"I wouldn't waste my time on Weasley, anyway," sneered Draco. "Though, speaking of Weasley… is anyone currently shagging Ginny?"
Ron scowled; Hermione looked around the room. "Nope. No one here, anyway."
"Great. Let's get married, Weasley."
"Okay!" said Ginny, apparently pleased that she could stop dating around the entire school and finally could settle down for good (or for bad, whatever a marriage with Malfoy would bring). She bent down and untied Draco, who got to his feet.
"I can't believe this," hissed Lucius, still struggling in the corner. "A Malfoy marrying a Weasley? What is the world coming to?"
"Listen, Malfoy," said Ron. "If you do anything to hurt my little sister-"
"You'll have all six of her brothers out hunting you down," said George.
"And once George and I get our hands on you, you'll wish you'd never been born," Fred added.
"Unless Percy got to you first. He'd just have you thrown in Azkaban."
"Charlie wouldn't waste much time, he'd just feed you to a dragon-"
"Draco," Lucius interrupted loudly, "you'd better make a Death Eater out of her, or I'll kill you myself. Do you hear me?"
"Sounds like I lose either way," Draco said. "Oh, well. We'd better elope, Weasley, since we're obviously not welcome here anymore." He took Ginny by the arm and pulled her towards the doors in the Entrance Hall.
Scully watched the star-crossed lovers exit, shaking her head, then turned back to the smirking ghost.
"So what the bleep are you doing here, Krycek?" she asked. "I mean, this is a children's school and you don't exactly play well with others, do you?"
"I have unfinished business," he replied mysteriously. When everyone just stared, perplexed, he laughed and added, "Just kidding. Bit of ghost humor. I'm really just here for haunting lessons from the pros. Nearly-Headless Nick has taken me under his wing, seeing as I'm sort of short one, myself." He indicated the empty left sleeve of his leather jacket. "Eventually I'll head back to America and spend my afterlife slowly driving Cancerman to madness and suicide."
"I thought he was dead," said Mulder.
"You thought I was dead," Krycek retorted.
"Everybody thought you were dead," said Scully.
"Everybody thought I was dead," Mulder added.
"Everybody thought I was dead, too," said Sirius.
"I'm not dead, either!" came the muffled voice of the rat, from inside Doggett's belly.
"There's a moral to this story," said Remus, wisely. "There's no such thing as death in fiction."
"Especially during sweeps week and season finales," Mulder added. "And whenever Scully's around with her unlimited medical powers."
"Anti-virals cure everything," Scully told everyone, proudly. "I carry some with me at all times, just in case Mulder dies again or something."
Mulder grinned and struck a pose. "Good as new. Not even a scar."
Krycek scoffed. "Yeah, that's convenient. Do you realize how ugly you'd be if you did scar? You've been burned, cut, beaten, infected with every virus known to both man and alien, electrocuted, shot, infested with insects, and prematurely aged. You'd look like… well, you'd look like your father."
Scully shuddered. "That's exactly why I have to make sure he doesn't scar. William wouldn't be here if his father had been that ugly."