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Without waiting for their opponents to get ready, the Malfoys had cast their spells. Mulder and Harry slumped to the ground and landed on their backs. Everybody watched them in nervous anticipation, until Harry's voice rang out loud and clear…
"Puff the Magic Dragon lived by the sea, and frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah-lee…"
Mulder joined in. "Little Jackie Paper loved that rascal Puff, and brought him strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff! OH!"
"A dragon lives forever, but not so little boys."
"Painted wings and giants' rings make way for other toys…"
Draco Malfoy was now doubled over in wild hysterical laughter. Doggett began to howl and scratched at his ears as if he'd like to go deaf.
"Sweet mother of Merlin, make it stop!" cried Ron, desperately.
Hermione leaned over to examine them. "It's not as bad as it looks. Just a mild Confundus Charm. I can fix it, no problem." She extended her wand, but Scully stopped her, grinning.
"Hold on, I just want to enjoy this a bit more…"
Mulder and Harry were now both sobbing, as they sang the last verse of that mournful ballad: "His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain. Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane…"
"Without his life-long friend, Puff could not be brave, so Puff that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave."
Scully nodded to Hermione. "Okay, go ahead. I don't want to hear whatever song comes next-"
"Don't tell my heart, my achy-breaky heart-"
"NO!!!"
Hermione hurriedly finished the spell. Harry and Mulder sat up, holding their heads and blinking.
"What- what happened?" asked Harry.
"Confundus charm," Hermione told him.
"What does that mean? What was I doing?" said Mulder.
"Are you sure you really want to know?" asked Scully, biting back a grin.
"Well, sure I do. What happened to me?"
"Fine. You and Harry were out cold, and you started singing 'Puff the Magic Dragon'-"
"We did not!" said Mulder and Harry in unison, both aghast.
"They didn't just start singing it, they finished, too!" said Ron between hoots of laughter. "Harry, mate, I had no idea you knew all the words!"
Harry and Mulder groaned.
"Excuse me," Lucius whined, "I'm waiting again. We are in the middle of a duel, you know."
"How could I forget," muttered Harry under his breath.
"Well? Come on, Agent Muggle, face me like a man," challenged Lucius, straightening his bow. Mulder stepped forward.
"Look out, Fox Mulder, he'll cane you!" cried Dobby the house-elf, from the sidelines.
"On the count of three, then," said Lucius softly. "One. Two. Three!"
Mulder drew his gun with blinding speed, but Lucius had readied his wand at the count of 'two' and had already cried, "Expelliarmus!"
The gun flew out of Mulder's hand and slid across the floor, quite out of reach. Mulder sighed. "I can think of about six hundred times I wish I could have done that."
He looked apprehensively at Lucius, not wanting to know what would happen next. Behind him, Harry drew his wand with a sigh and started practicing wand movements in preparation.
"Petrificus totalus," said Lucius lazily. Mulder froze and dropped to the ground.
"Wingardium leviosa." Everyone cringed as Mulder flew into the air, crashed against the enchanted ceiling, and crashed back to the ground, over and over…
"Avada-"
"Expelliarmus," said Harry quickly, jumping forward. "Finite incantatem."
Lucius's wand flew from his hand and clattered to the floor. The spells lifted from Mulder, who fell twenty feet and landed in a crumpled heap of sore limbs. Groaning, he slowly crawled on all fours over to Scully, who had finally put down her magazine in favor of a luggage-sized first aid kit, miraculously taken from William's diaper bag.
"I told you-" she began, stretching out a long strip of gauze and measuring it against his head.
"Don't even start with me," Mulder snapped, and pushed the bandage away as he sat down beside her.
"Fine!" Scully dumped William onto Mulder's lap and stood up to join Harry in the duel.
"Good Lord," Lucius said with soft amusement. "I've never duelled with someone who needed a third before."
"What are you going to do to us? You don't have your wand," Harry pointed out.
"That's right," said Scully, heartened by this fact. "So who does your hair, girly-girl? Where'd you get that hairbow, your mother?"
Lucius's lip curled; without warning he rushed at her, apparently trying to tackle her at the knees. Scully easily leaped over him, pinned him to the ground, and delivered a round of jaw-breaking punches.
"You gonna cry? You gonna squirt some, huh, big guy?" Scully taunted him, as Mulder and William cheered enthusiastically from the sidelines.
Meanwhile, Draco stepped forward, wand drawn, to challenge Harry. Harry blocked a series of hexes from Malfoy, promptly disarmed his opponent, and proceeded to knock him unconscious with a simple Stunning spell.
Finally, Scully released what was left of Lucius and stood up, clapping her hands clean. She gave him one more satisfying kick in the ribs, straightened her hair, and returned to her partner with a proud smile.
"Wow," said Mulder, amazed and practically drooling at her. "You haven't been this sexy since you donned laser-tag combat gear and saved me from a flintlock-packing prostitute in an army tank." He turned to Ron. "Hey, do you know of any nice private spots where Scully and I might, uh, celebrate her victory?" He winked.
"Snogging or shagging?" asked Ron.
"Um, both, hopefully," said Mulder.
"Um, neither, actually," said Scully, giving Mulder a look that had the equivalent effect of a cold shower.
"Someone ought to clean these up," said Sirius, nodding at the pair of insentient blonds on the floor. Together he and Remus conjured ropes to bind the Malfoys, and then tossed the bodies into a corner like sacks of potatoes.
"I've always wanted to do that, but my nice-guy persona has never allowed for it," said Remus. "Thank Merlin for the fandom."
Snape finally left Reyes's side, and walked over to the corner where the Malfoys lay comatose. He removed Lucius's black velvet hairbow and handed it to Monica, who affixed it to the top of Doggett's head. Doggett growled.
Finally free of unwanted distractions, everybody sat down to resume lunch. Mulder cut the tip of his steak into tiny cubes, which he put on a plate and placed on the floor for Doggett to eat.