Part Sixteen
It wasn't until the next day that I contacted you.
I went into work, so anxious. My heart hammered within my chest. I was scared to see you. I was desperate to see you. I paced the length of my office, torn between finding you and hiding from you. I felt ridiculous. I felt confused. I felt lost.
You said you loved me. Did you, really? I thought myself silly for even questioning it. You, of all people, would not say such powerful words so lightly. Still, though, how could you love me? And what stopped you from saying it for all these years?
The anger had not left me. And as I contemplated your words of the day before, I felt it mostly toward you. My teeth ground together. My hands shook. They shook as much as I wanted to shake you. Had you spoken up, long ago, where would we be? Definitely not here. Definitely not in a position where no matter what was done, we would hurt someone.
Grudgingly, my anger shifted to myself. Why had I not spoken up? What had kept me from telling you? Did I know then? I must have. The thought had passed through my mind more than once. I hardly acknowledged it, true. I was scared of it. I was scared of you.
And now my fear was twice that. Now I feared everything. I feared being with you. I feared staying with her. I feared him, and you with him. I feared us. I feared myself. What had we done? And how could we escape the tangled web we wove?
So I paced. It seemed like hours, yet minutes.
You loved me. I loved you. You loved him. I loved her.
Was it enough? Was any of it enough? It wasn't enough to spare anyone. It wasn't enough.
I ran a hand through my hair for the billionth time, frustrated and sad and elated - all at once. What could be done? What if you hadn't meant it? What if you had?
I loved you. And I hated myself. I hated myself for never telling you. Could I have spared us these years apart? Could I have spared us the pain? Could I have spared them? Would those three simple words have saved us? Would it have saved us all?
I realized I would never know. I realized there was no going back. And the crushing weight of it pressed upon me. I sank into my chair. I held my head in my hands. I bit back the tears which sprung at the thought of such an impossibility. My eyes stung, my heart pounded, my brain throbbed.
And all I wanted was to see you. You, the only one who had the incredible ability to both calm me and thrill me. I closed my stinging eyes and remembered you. I remembered the you of yesterday, with your honest eyes and confusing words.
My mind ran over the options again and again. But it was hard to choose without knowing. You gave no indication of what you desired. How could I act independently when we were so entwined? Everything revolved around you now. And, I realized, in some way, it always had. I breathed a shaky sigh. Would I ever want it any other way? We had always been entwined. It was my own stupidity that never let me see it.
But now I did. I saw, finally. I could never part from you. Many times, you were all that kept me through. You were the guiding voice that kept me going, always encouraging, always loving. I could not fathom existing anymore without you. I would not be breathing without you. Each time I strayed, you brought me back. You opened my eyes. You made me see.
Yes, we were always entwined. With Voldemort, I could not live if he did. With you, I could not live if you didn't.
I wondered if it was the same with my wife. And it broke my heart to know it wasn't. We weren't so entwined. I could breathe without her. I could see without her. I could live without her. It wasn't a happy realization. I could not bring myself to smile. I could only see the pain it would cause her when I voiced it.
And I would have to voice it, wouldn't I? We couldn't go on like this, could we? We couldn't continue lying to them. No matter how we loved each other, we could not continue this. We could not continue hurting them so selfishly. That wasn't us. We were better than that. We were more than that.
So I stood from my chair and wiped my eyes. I swallowed the lump in my throat, and I nervously went to find you.
I had no idea what I would say. I only knew that we must speak, finally, for once and possibly for good.