Disclaimer: All things pertaining to Harry Potter are the property of J. K. Rowling, Bloomsbury Books/Scholastic Press and Warner Bros. I just like to play with them!
A/N: Hello all! I just found this story on an old floppy disk (remember those!) that I wrote several years ago as fanfic for an now cancelled TV series. Reading through it, I realised it would make a great H/Hr fic, so a few amendments here and there and here we are...hope you like it
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good...
***
"I could stay awake just to hear you breathing, watch you smile while you are sleeping, while you're far away and dreaming. I could spend my life in this sweet surrender, I could stay lost in this moment forever, every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure…"
`I Don't Want To Miss A Thing' by Aerosmith
Harry was watching Hermione sleep, as he always did. She looked so beautiful, so innocent and peaceful that he couldn't help himself. This was what he loved most about their relationship, not the sex or the talking or even the cuddling or dancing. Just watching her sleep.
But time was running out. It was almost one in the morning. He had been with Hermione since just before six. And if he wasn't home by one thirty, Ginny would wonder where he was. Staying late at the office until that hour was acceptable, expected even since he was head of the Auror Department, but any later and she would start to worry, start to wonder. And Harry desperately wanted to prevent that.
He hated himself for what he was doing, the lies and half-truths, the fact that he was not only cheating on his wife, but that he was cheating on her with his best friend...and her good friend. It wasn't in his nature to be anything other than honest and straightforward. But he was doing it anyway.
Gently so as not to wake her, Harry slipped his arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him, luxuriating in the scent and feel of her skin. Moaning softly, Hermione shifted in her sleep responding to his touch by snuggling closer to him, making him smile. Even in the darkened room he could make out her features perfectly, partly, he supposed, because he had known her so long. Partly because he loved her so much.
But he wasn't being fair, not to Hermione, and not to Ginny. He was hurting them both, using them both and it had to stop. The only thing that he had to be thankful for was that he and Ginny didn't have children...and that nobody had figured out the truth yet. But he knew he was on borrowed time.
With a creak, the bedroom door opened a little and several seconds later, Hermione's ginger Kneazle, Crookshanks bounded onto the bed. Sitting down so that he was facing Harry, the cat stared at him for several minutes.
`What are you looking at?' he whispered. `Don't answer that. I know the answer. I'm an idiot. But I want you to know something. I really do love her. You don't have to worry on that score.'
The cat purred and tilted his head to the side at Harry's words giving the impression that he was understanding every word and reaching forward to scratch his ears, Harry continued to talk.
`I'm not one of those guys who are happy to keep both a wife and a lover. That's not what I want. I didn't mean for this to happen. But it has and now…now it's up to me to sort it out. But I promise you, I'll do whatever it takes to make sure that Hermione doesn't get hurt. I'd die rather than see her cry. I'd do anything for her, even…'
Sighing he sat up, carefully disentangling himself from the sleeping woman by his side. He would do anything for her, but would he go that far? Would he leave his wife for her?
It was getting harder and harder, going home to Ginny every night. Having breakfast with her every morning, attending parties with her, going out to dinner with friends with her, sharing a bed with her. It was getting harder and harder to spend time away from Hermione. Stolen moments, secret encounters, they were no longer enough. He wanted more, he wanted to wake up to her beautiful face every morning, he wanted to meet her for lunch, go to work with her and come home with her, relax with her on a Sunday afternoon. He wanted her.
It was all about choices. And he had to choose.
Getting up, he fumbled around until he located his trousers and pulling them on he went to the window. Outside everything was perfectly still and calm. Most of the residents of Hermione's block of flats were sound asleep, dreaming happy dreams, snuggled up to the person they were supposed to be with.
Hearing Hermione moan again he silently padded back to the bed, easing himself down beside her. Glancing at his watch he winced. It was already time for him to go.
`If you have to go, go. I understand.'
He looked down at her, surprised to find her beautiful brown eyes fixed on his face. There was no anger in them. Only sadness. And he was the cause of it. Reaching down, he twirled a lock of brown hair around his finger.
`What if I don't want to go?'
Giving him a soft smile, she pulled herself up onto her elbows. `Then don't go.'
***
`With the most infinite tenderness, I have ever known in my life, he put his arms around me, gently, gently, and I embraced him around the neck and we touched…'
Katherine Anne Porter
They sat silently observing each other for about a minute, each waiting for the other to say something, to take the risk, to make the decision. Finally Hermione leaned forward.
`Don't worry, Harry, I don't expect anything from you…except what you already give me.'
Turning, she disentangled herself from the sheets and stood up, quickly pulling on the silk robe that had been removed by him earlier that night. Without another word she picked up Crookshanks and padded out of the room, leaving Harry alone with his thoughts.
She didn't expect anything from him. She refused gifts or money, and never complained when he had to leave early or cancel their plans at the last minute. She had never asked him for anything, not his time, his commitment, or even his love. Yet that was exactly what she had.
He loved her without a doubt.
Getting up, he dressed quickly and then, hearing music coming from Hermione's kitchen, he went to investigate. Pausing in the doorway, he smiled at what he saw.
Hermione was feeding Crookshanks, whilst dancing to a song on the Wizarding Wireless. Her petite figure clad in silk and without any make-up or jewellery, she looked about fifteen, exactly the age she had been when he had first realised how beautiful she was, at the Yule Ball in fourth year. The fact that she was not only dancing, but singing to the music as well, made Harry love her even more. She was perfect, an angel.
With childlike abandon, Hermione swayed in time to the music, moving her hands and feet and hips, shaking her head and swaying her hips. Closing her eyes, she sang along to her radio loudly, not caring that she was making up half the words. Twirling around, she stopped dead at the sight of Harry, dressed in his shirt and suit, leaning against the door with an enigmatic smile on his face. He had been watching her.
`How long have you been standing there?' she asked as her cheeks flushed and she stood perfectly still.
Harry laughed. `Oh, a while,' he replied with a smile and she scowled at him. He grinned as she sulked and went back to feeding Crookshanks and sauntering over to her, he wrapped his arms around her waist from behind and murmured into her hair, `Don't be mad. You looked cute.'
Lowering her head, she relaxed against him and answered, `I'm not mad. I wish I was.' She sighed. `Sometimes I wish I were mad at you so I could have an excuse to end this…us.'
At the sadness in her voice, Harry felt a dull pain throb in his heart. And before he could think about what he was saying he cried out, `Tell me to go and I'll go. Tell me that it's over between us and I swear I'll leave you alone, I swear.' And although he couldn't see her face, Harry felt her tense at his words, and pull away from him slightly.
`Is that what you want?' she asked, struggling to keep her tears from falling. Was that what he wanted?
`No!'
The words exploded from his mouth with such force that Hermione jumped and twisted round in his arms so that she was facing him, and seeing the passion in his eyes, the love and the fear, her insecurities vanished in a heartbeat. He had made the offer because he loved her, not because he didn't. He was putting her happiness ahead of his own.
He loved her.
Feeling the tears slide down her cheeks, Hermione gave in and crumpled to the floor with her head in her hands. Harry immediately dropped down beside her, enveloping her in his arms, whispering her name over and over, comforting her almost like a loving parent. There was a difference though.
When he kissed her, it was with the intensity of a man taken over by love. A love that was returned in every way.
***
`Love that we can not have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest.'
Anon
`Hermione!'
Hermione froze at the sound of the familiar female voice calling her. She had been studiously avoiding Ginny for almost two months, claiming that she was too busy to meet up with her or cancelling at the last minute. It had meant avoiding her other old friends too, but there was nothing else she could do. Being around Ginny was just too hard, not because she was jealous of her friend, but because she felt guilty about what she was doing to her.
But right now she was trapped with nowhere to go. It was Neville's fault. Coming to Diagon Alley to meet her friend for lunch had been his idea. Not that Neville knew what was going on between Hermione and Harry, nobody knew that. And still, it was hardly surprising that Ginny was here...probably visiting her brother George at Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.
Hermione bit her lip and waited for the inevitable, as Ginny caught up with her and began admonishing her with a smile.
`Where on earth have you been? I haven't seen you in ages. Are you avoiding me? Are you avoiding all of us? Ron says that you're not answering his owls and Luna came round the other day to see if I knew what was up with you. And Harry misses you too, he doesn't say anything, but I know him. He's quiet, distant, and moody. He needs his best friend in his life and so do I. So what gives? And this had better be good.'
Hermione opened her mouth to speak, but found herself unable to. The mention of Harry's name had rendered her completely speechless. He wasn't quiet and moody because he hadn't seen her, he was that way because he had and he felt awful about betraying his wife.
`Are you seeing someone new? Is that what's going on? You're too loved up to talk to your old friends. That's it, isn't it? Who is he? Do I know him? What's he look like?'
Hermione couldn't help but laugh and for a second she was able to forget why she had been avoiding her friends and what she was doing to Ginny.
Nervously, she began to defend herself. `I'm not seeing someone new, Gin, I've just been busy. Things are hectic in the department at the moment and I just moved into my new flat. I've been spending a lot of time with Neville and Hannah actually. That's why I'm here. I'm having lunch with Neville at the Leaky Cauldron. Are you here to see George?'
`Yeah, I just popped into see him - I'm actually on my way to an appointment at St Mungo's. Listen, can you keep a secret?' Leading Hermione away from the crowds, Ginny lowered her voice and fixed Hermione with a piercing look. `I think I'm pregnant.'
`I…' Hermione wasn't sure she'd heard right.
`Harry doesn't know yet, nobody knows. What do you think?'
`W-w-what do I think?' She stuttered in confusion, as feelings of complete and total dismay enveloped her soul.
If Ginny was pregnant then there was only one thing to do…she would have to give him up. For the sake of his unborn child.
`I'm so scared, Hermione. I mean a baby! How would I know how to take care of a baby? But imagine what he or she would look like…a little version of Harry. Can't you just picture Harry as a doting father?'
Hermione nodded. She could picture it perfectly…Harry holding his firstborn in his arms, explaining who all the family members were, telling stories, giving advice…she knew how much he'd wanted a family ever since he and Ginny got married. He'd never had a real family. She often imagined that she would be the one to give him a child.
`Yes, I can. Harry would be…perfect.'
`Perfect for what?'
Both women jumped at the sound of Harry's voice. He was stood just behind them, watching them closely and he clearly expected an answer.
***
`One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life, that word is love.'
Socrates
When neither woman answered, Harry repeated his question with just a little exasperation.
`Perfect for what?'
His glance passed slowly from his wife to his girlfriend and back again. Seeing them talking together had been a big shock for him, but the fact that they were now refusing to tell him what they had been talking about, were in fact sharing a secret, hiding something from him, scared him even more. They had obviously been talking about him, but what had they been saying?
`Come on! Was it that bad? I'd make a perfect Divination professor? Witch Weekly columnist? Cultivator of Whomping Willows? What?'
But his joke earned him nothing but an absent-minded slap on the shoulder from Ginny and a pained look from Hermione. He could tell that she desperately wanted to leave. But he needed to know what they'd been talking about.
`Come on, tell me.'
`Sorry, but I have to go,' Hermione said, suddenly. `See you later, Ginny. Bye, Harry.'
With a nod to them both she turned and moved as fast as her legs would carry her, ignoring Ginny and Harry calling for her to stop. She couldn't deal with Ginny right now and she sure as hell couldn't deal with Harry.
If Ginny was pregnant then that was the end of her and Harry. She was no home-wrecker. What she had been doing was bad enough but if she allowed it to continue, it would be a hundred times worse. She loved Harry too much to take him away from his child. And if Ginny found out about them then she would do whatever she had to do to get revenge, including disappearing and taking the baby with her.
Hermione's mind was whirling at an uncontrollable rate as she ran down the street, ignoring the pain in her feet from her shoes, but unable to ignore the pain in her heart.
Was Ginny telling Harry right now? Painting a picture, giving him what he had always dreamed of…the perfect family.
Were they hugging and crying, laughing and kissing? Were they planning for the future, picking out names, heading to St Mungo's to get the test done so they could confirm their happy news?
Was Harry already planning how to break it off with her, running through scenarios in his head, trying to work out the least painful way to do it?
Was he wishing that he had never got involved with her in the first place?
Or had he already forgotten about her?
Unable to continue, Hermione slumped against the wall, tears cascading freely down her cheeks. She was unable to stop them and for once she didn't even want to.
She had lost him. She could feel it in her bones.
When her tears finally subsided, she carefully stood up and wiping her eyes, she conjured a mirror to enable her to fix her smudged makeup and tame her tousled hair. Straightening her clothes she took a deep breath and opened the door to the Leaky Cauldron. A forceful hand on her shoulder stopped her.
`Hermione, wait. Why'd you run off like that?'
Without even looking at him, Hermione answered quietly, `Because it's over between us, Harry. It's over.'
***
`The heart already knows what the mind can only dream of. Trust your heart'
Anon
For a second, Harry didn't answer, then he spun her round and stated firmly, `No.'
Hermione's mouth opened incredulously. `No?'
`No. I don't accept that.'
His hands were planted on her shoulders, preventing her from walking away again, but what was really stopping her from leaving was the look in his eyes, the way he was staring at her. It was almost as if he knew something that she didn't and all it did was make her mad.
`Newsflash, Harry! If I want to end this then there's not a damn thing you can do about it!' she snapped angrily, pushing him away from her and side stepping him quickly.
But Harry was quicker than she was and easily grabbed hold of her a second time, pulling her close to whisper in her ear, `I won't let you go.'
`Excuse me?'
Shivering, Hermione closed her eyes briefly, desperately trying to find the strength to walk away from him again.
`I won't…let you go,' Harry repeated slowly, precisely and determinedly.
He was not arguing with her, he was stating a fact and Hermione found her resolve weakening almost immediately.
`What are you going to do, Harry? Marry me? In case you've forgotten you already have a wife. What excuse did you give her for running after me anyway?' she asked, reluctantly meeting his eyes for the first time since he'd caught up with her.
`The truth. That I was worried about you. She is too.'
Letting go of Hermione's arm, Harry waited nervously to see what her response would be. She was so unpredictable these days that he had no idea what her mood would be from one minute to the next. But in a crazy way that was what he loved most about her.
`Well she shouldn't be. I'm in love with her husband for Merlin's sake.'
Angrier with herself than him, Hermione turned back to enter the pub, but Harry stopped her again.
`You're in love with me? You never said…'
As soon as the words were out of her mouth Hermione realised her mistake. She had never told him that she loved him before just as he had never said the words to her. But now they were out in the open, those three little words, which spelt the end of everything. By admitting her true feelings she was pushing him into a corner, pushing him to commit. Asking him to choose between her and his wife…and possibly his child. She was making him responsible for her.
Abruptly changing direction she attempted to escape, pushing past him and heading back along the street but once more Harry was right behind her.
`Hermione wait!' Placing his body in front of hers, he forced her to stop and look at him.
`No! I shouldn't have said that. Forget it, forget everything! Forget me!' Close to tears, Hermione tried unsuccessfully to get away from him again.
`Not a chance in hell, Hermione! Why are you so determined to walk away from us? What did Ginny say to you?'
Shaking her head, Hermione answered quietly, `Nothing. She's your wife, Harry. That's all there is to it.'
Tilting her chin up with his fingers so that their faces were just inches apart he replied gently, `You're lying. What…did…she…say…to you? What did she say that's made you so determined to leave me? I love you Hermione and I don't want to lose you. I won't. So please…please…tell me the truth.'
***
Mischief managed!
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