Chapter 7 - It Is Finished
A/N: This is a double update, so be sure to look for chapter 8 after this chapter.
***
As much as I want to be with Harry, as much as I know he wants to be with me, nothing happens between us again after the encounter in my study. All we have to do is look at one another and see the shame in our eyes.
Now I sit in the common room watching the younger kids playing Exploding Snap, gossiping, or studying as best they can with the noise. Harry and Ron sit with a game of chess in the corner. While Ron contemplates a move, I watch Harry look at him, and I can plainly see guilt and torment on Harry's face.
Harry looks at me, and then runs a hand through his hair. I know what needs to be done. I need to end it with Ron. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to hate me, but I know that if he ever finds me with Harry I'll have lost him forever. If I end it now, I can still hope that one day we can come back from it and be friends. If I continue betraying him then Ron will be completely justified in hating both Harry and me.
Check mate for Ron. The game is over, and the two of them get up from the table and come over to me. I have a choice to make. Ron's happiness or mine. I think I've known for some time which one I will choose.
"Dinner," Ron says. "Let's hope they serve something good. I'm sick of steak and kidney pie."
We walk down to dinner and find Ginny standing very close to a Ravenclaw boy. They have their fingers hooked loosely together, and she's unaware of our presence.
"Who's that?" Ron asks, looking at Harry to gauge his response. Harry clearly isn't phased that Ginny has found someone.
"Robert Littleton," I say. Robert is very handsome, slender and tall with light brown hair and gray eyes.
"You don't seem bothered," Ron says to Harry, when we sit down.
"I'm not," Harry says honestly. "Ginny and I are friends. I told her I wanted her to move on."
Ron shakes his head. "I thought you two would make it."
Harry doesn't respond. What is there to say?
Dinner is the usual, but that doesn't stop Ron from eating seconds of everything, even steak and kidney pie. Nothing can dampen his enthusiasm for food. Under the table I feel the tip of Harry's boot against the tip of my shoe. I ease my foot forward so that our ankles are together. It's amazing how good that simple contact feels. I imagine what it would be like not to have to hide my feelings for Harry. I wonder what it would be like to see Ron find a nice girl and let me go, but he won't be able to do that as long as we're together.
***
Ron asks me for a walk after dinner, but it's too cold, so we agree to go to the Prefects Bath. I know what he has in mind, and after the two encounters with Harry I know I won't be able to go through with anything. I can't stand the thought of anyone touching me but Harry. I'm his now.
With a tap of his wand, Ron starts the water running, choosing not to add soap but to swim instead. I sink into the water, and when I surface, Ron pulls me to him and hoists me up so that I have no choice but to wrap my legs around his waist. He kisses my neck.
"Ron, we need to talk."
"Yes we do. I want you to come to the Burrow for Christmas break. We could use some time alone."
"I plan to spend Christmas with my parents this year."
"You always spend Christmas with your parents."
"I didn't get to last year."
"All right, that's fair. I'll pick you up on Boxing Day. You can sneak into my room at night, since Harry said he has plans this year."
"He does?"
"He says he's going to tell us about it tomorrow. Supposed to be something big."
Ron slips his hands under my bum and begins to subtly lift me up and down against his cock. I try to pull away just enough to keep any kind of friction from building up.
"Ron, you know I love you."
"I love you too," he says huskily.
I wrap my arms around his neck and hug him tightly. My throat is very tight. It's a struggle to speak the hardest words I've ever spoken to Ron in my life. It's easy to yell at him when we're angry. It's not easy to tell him something he needs to hear when I don't want to get a dig in at him.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"I'm not in love with you."
It was said. It was spoken and it could never be unspoken. I could try to take it back but I won't. Ron is very still. He's stopped trying to grind me against him. I feel like I should say something else, but the words won't come.
When I let go and look him in the face, I see the heartbreak I knew would be there. His blue eyes, wet with tears, stab at my heart. I start to cry. I want him to say something, anything, but he doesn't.
"I'm sorry. I tried to be in love with you but…"
"It's Harry, isn't it?"
"No!"
"It is. I saw the way you looked at him. It's always been Harry, even if you didn't want to admit it."
Ron's getting angry now. He pushes me away, and I slip away from him to the edge of the pool. Ron runs his hands through his sodden hair.
"Ron, I-it's-"
"I knew it! I remember you wanted him to be prefect with you. I started to suspect something then. You hated it when you found out he kissed Cho. I could tell you didn't like things between him and Ginny, and you were happy when you realized he wasn't going to get back with her. You've always taken his side in everything. You'd run off and get yourself into any kind of danger for him."
"He's our friend! Ron, I'd put myself in danger for you too and you know it."
"Because I'm your friend," he says scornfully. "Well I wouldn't ask you to die for me, would I?"
"Harry never asked me to die for him. He's never asked anyone to do that. Ron, what we did in the fight against Voldemort was for everyone's good, not just Harry's!"
I don't know why I'm so angry right now. Nothing Ron's said is completely wrong. I did hate Harry kissing Cho, I didn't like him with Ginny, now that I look back on it. I thought I'd put on a pretty good show, but I guess Ron saw through me. He'd always seen through me because he was looking harder than most.
"Are you fucking him? Is that why we've never really gotten close, because you're fucking Harry behind my back?"
"I am not fucking Harry!"
Thank God that's the truth, at least. I just hope he doesn't ask if there's anything at all going on. If he does, I'll have to lie, and I think Ron will know I'm lying.
"This isn't about Harry, it's about us. Ron, I do love you as a friend. I'm just not in love with you. I can't keep this up anymore. I'm trying to do right by telling you. It's not Harry's fault that I'm not in love with you."
"We're finished? We're actually finished?" he asks.
I nod, and Ron swims to the side of the bath, climbing out and grabbing a towel. I beg him to talk about it, but he refuses to even look at me. He gets dressed and storms out, leaving me alone in the bath. I realize the mermaid is watching. I don't want to cry in front of a sentient painting, so I get dressed and leave the bath as well.
As much as it hurts, as much as I hate hurting him, I'm glad I've finished it with Ron.
***
When I get back to the common room, I find it in complete chaos. There's a fight in the center of the room. Ginny's screaming for Ron to stop. I push through the throng to find that Ron and Harry are on the floor, with Ron struggling to get atop Harry, punching him over and over in the side. Harry's face is a mask of pain, but he manages to roll over onto Ron and punches him hard across the jaw. I draw my wand and think Protego, which forces the two of them apart.
Harry and Ron stand, and Ginny goes to Ron's side at once.
"It's not true, Ron," she says, but she doesn't sound quite convinced. She sounds very uncertain, actually.
"You're fucking my girlfriend!" Ron shouts breathlessly. There are several titters of laughter in the room from some of the other students who hide in the crowd, their faces unseen.
"I am not," Harry says. I've never heard his voice sound so low and dangerous.
"You want to."
"Ron!"
I move through the crowd and order everyone to bed, even though it's only 8:30. I promise detentions to everyone present if they don't obey, so they scatter, grumbling. They all want to stay and watch the spectacle of the trio who brought Voldemort down crumbling under jealousy and suspicion.
Ginny faces me. She's pale and her eyes look wide and scared. "It's not true, is it?"
"No, Ginny. Harry and I aren't sleeping together."
"Why else would you break up with me? Why else would Harry end things with Ginny? He says he has some mystery girl he loves. We all know it's you!"
"Ron, I broke up with you because I'm not in love with you," I say as calmly as I can. "You shouldn't have attacked Harry like this."
"There you go again, siding against me for him!"
"Did Harry start it?" I ask.
Ron swallows. "No, but you just assume that it-"
"Because I know you, Ron," I say with what I hope is calm reason.
Ron looks me in the eye, turning away from Harry. "If you're not in love with me, who are you in love with?"
"No one."
I'm surprised at how easily I lie to Ron. I don't know why. I suppose it's easy to lie to protect someone you love, and I want to protect Harry, Ron, and Ginny. We've been friends for eight years. I don't want to lose that now if I can help it, but doing the right thing is usually harder than doing wrong. It was so easy to let Harry touch me, to drive me wild while I was still dating Ron, knowing that if he found out it would break his heart. Yet it was so hard to end things with Ron so I could be free to be with Harry like I wanted.
God, how did I get myself into this mess?
***
I feel like I've ran a hundred miles by the time I climb into bed that night. When I walk into the room, Ginny's curtains are drawn, but our other three roommates are whispering among themselves. They break it up as soon as I walk in and cheerily wish me goodnight. I dread getting up and going to class already. I know that for weeks to come I'll hear nothing but whispering wild rumors. I'll have to put up with stares and giggles and suspicion.
I draw my curtains, but Ginny pulls them open, startling me. She's been crying, but I'm too tired to care right now.
"This is the last time I'll ask," Ginny says. "Are you sleeping with Harry? Is that why you broke up with Ron?"
"No, I'm not sleeping with Harry. I broke up with Ron because I'm not in love with him anymore."
"Are you the mystery girl that Harry has feelings for?" Ginny asks.
"I don't know, Ginny. Harry hasn't said anything to me about that."
I think she knows I'm lying, but she has no proof otherwise. She closes the curtain, and I can't help but think she's closing the curtain on our friendship as much as she's closing the curtain to give me privacy.