Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling and her various corporate partners. Keldorn Firecam is owned by BioWare, Atari, or whoever it is that owns the rights to Baldur's Gate 2: Shadows of Amn these days, although I have taken several liberties with his character. I own nothing, and I am making no profit by my little ventures into the shadowy realms of fanfiction. I do so purely for enjoyment. I would, however, like to thank JKR for allowing us all to play in her sandbox.
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Harry Potter and the Knight of the Radiant Heart
XXII
Harry spent the next few days somewhat withdrawn from those around him. He still went to his classes and performed his duties, but it was all done quietly. He still spent his evenings with Hermione, but he only half-listened to her ramblings. He was distracted. No matter where he was, his mind kept going back to his encounter with Carsomyr.
Before that afternoon in the Headmaster's office, the idea of being a paladin was rather… remote. It was like thinking about life after Hogwarts. Harry knew that he would eventually need to leave the school that he loved, but that day seemed a long way off in the future. Likewise, the idea of actually being a paladin was rather remote. Learning from Keldorn was more like simply having alternative classes. Different, but not that different.
Carsomyr changed that.
That burning presence in his mind… it required, no it demanded so much from him. Keldorn had warned him that the life of a paladin was not easy. It seemed that the holy sword distilled that notion down to a fine, very sharp point.
Harry wasn't sure if he was capable of following through with the journey that he had embarked upon.
To be judged by that alien sentience and found unworthy…
Harry's experience with the sword made everything he was doing that much more real.
His introspection and slight melancholy lasted several days until he was shocked back to reality by an unlikely person.
Luna Lovegood.
"Hello Harry Potter. Hello Hermione." The blonde witch said in her usual dreamy voice as she approached the Gryffindor table during lunch. Harry was hurriedly shoveling food into his mouth as his mentor did not afford him the full lunch period that the other students enjoyed. So he chose to simply wave in greeting while he continued to eat.
"Hi Luna," said Hermione.
"Is Harry turning into a Were-Ron?"
"Wha'?" Harry asked through a mouthful of potatoes while Hermione merely sighed.
"I was curious if Ron might have bitten you under the light of the full moon, and now you transform into a half-man, half-Ron during meal times. It would explain why you've developed his eating habits."
Harry looked across the table to where Ron was holding a chicken leg in each fist while his cheeks were stuffed close to bursting. Lavender was sitting next to him, happily spooning more mashed potatoes onto his plate.
"Ron has never bitten me," Harry finally responded.
"Oh that's too bad. He has such nice teeth."
Neither Harry nor Hermione knew what to say to that.
"Anywho," continued Luna, "I came over here because I've been feeling a bit funny lately."
"Are you okay?" Hermione asked as a look of concern took over her face. "Do you want me to go with you to Madam Pomfery?"
"Oh no. I'm not sick, silly. It's a different funny. It's like, a funny funny."
"Okay…"
"It's like," continued Luna, "well… have you ever seen a beautiful little creature, like a butterfly or a moon frog… looked at its tiny little wings, or its fragile little eyes… and then wanted to crush it to bits and stomp on it until there was nothing left but a greasy smear?"
Harry and Hermione gaped at the young Ravenclaw, both their mouths hanging open.
"Err… no…" said Harry.
"Oh poo."
"Luna, are you… do you feel angry?" asked Hermione.
"That's it!" Luna said brightly, pointing to Hermione. "That's exactly it! I just couldn't think of the word. Thank you, Hermione. I feel very angry!" she finished with her usual dreamy smile.
"Umm… why are you so angry, Luna?" Harry cautiously questioned.
"Why it's your fault of course."
Harry sputtered.
"My fault! What did I do?!"
"Not just you, Harry. You and Hermione both."
"What?" Hermione asked, somewhat taken aback.
"I said I was angry with you, Hermione," Luna replied, her smile still in place as she reached out to give Hermione a pat on the head.
"Luna, I… what did we do?"
"You gave that exclusive interview to Rita Skeeter for the Daily Prophet."
"We didn't…" began Harry, "I mean… it wasn't exclusive…"
"Oh goody!" exclaimed Luna as she sat down at the table and brought out a quill and some parchment. "Then you won't mind if I ask you some questions for the Quibbler."
"But…"
"First question, Harry, are you or are you not having Draco Malfoy's lovechild now that he's been kidnapped by the Danes?"
"What?! Luna! No! I'm not having his lovechild!"
"Second question, did either of you have anything to do with the crowned prince of Finland's latest choice in eyewear?"
Hermione sighed in resignation.
"No."
"Third question, do you like my new sunflower seed earrings, or should I have stuck with the radishes?"
"They're nice," said Harry.
"Sixth question, do you have an irrational fear of elevators and slash or exercise equipment?"
"No."
"Nth question, boxers or briefs?"
"Luna!" exclaimed Harry.
"Boxers," responded Hermione.
Harry turned to his girlfriend with a look of surprise.
"What?" Hermione asked, "I have been in your dorm before, Harry. Your clothes are always strewn about."
"Wonderful!" said Luna. "This will do nicely. I'll just go and owl this to daddy."
Harry glanced at Luna's parchment to see that instead of a few sparse notes, Luna had drawn a crude, stick-figure sketch of Harry and Hermione holding hands as they rode on the back of a mechanical walrus.
"But before I go," she continued, "I'll need a picture."
Harry sighed but smiled for the rather large camera that Luna had been hiding somewhere and was now pointing at them.
After a few minutes, Harry was beginning to wonder what was wrong.
"Luna," asked Hermione, "are you going to take the picture or not?"
"I'm waiting for you to start snogging," the blonde replied.
"Luna!"
"What? The Prophet has a picture of you snogging. If we're going to compete, the Quibbler needs one too."
Hermione looked like she was getting rather worked up, but Harry just shrugged his shoulders before grabbing her face with both hands and planting his lips over hers."
The bright flash of Luna's camera went off as expected.
"Okay, now with some tongue," instructed Luna.
Hermione pulled herself away from Harry.
"I don't think so, Luna," she replied.
"How about one of you grabbing Harry's bum?"
"Absolutely not!"
"Not even a little squeeze?"
"No."
"Oh poo. Well, thanks for the interview," said Luna. "I knew I couldn't stay angry at you two."
With that, she turned and skipped out of the great hall.
Harry smiled before turning back to his lunch.
"I like Luna."
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Several weeks passed and the bleak snows of January gave way to the bitter cold of February. Harry and Hermione gathered with Dumbledore one evening to review more memories about the young Tom Riddle. Harry hoped that Dumbledore or perhaps Hermione got more out of those 'lessons' than he did.
There was quite a bit of excitement amongst the sixth-years at the beginning of February due to the introduction of Apparition lessons. As expected, the skill proved rather difficult, and the enthusiasm of most of the students quickly waned as a result.
As Harry's time as Keldorn's squire went on, his dedication and willingness to do hard work proved themselves apparent. Accordingly, the amount of time that Harry was required to spend mucking out the stables decreased, while the time he spent in discussion with the old paladin increased. Keldorn was a demanding teacher. He was never satisfied until he was sure that his squire had internalized the wisdom found in his Order's Tradition. Over time, Harry got used to the antiquated language of the Summa Philosophica, and found himself more and more able to keep up with his mentor's questioning.
Likewise, his physical training evolved. Both Harry and Neville performed well in their sword work. With Hermione's help, Keldorn assembled several wooden dummies on wheels that moved about on their own and were able to cast stinging hexes strong enough for Harry to feel through his chainmail. Hermione found great amusement in watching her boyfriend square off against her creations either alone, or sometimes with Neville by his side. Keldorn was constantly trying to drill different tactics and ideas into their heads. Sometimes they were armed with their wooden swords and shields, at other times they went in with a sword in one hand and a wand in the other. Hermione's favorite, which brought the most laughter to her lips, was when Harry was sent in alone and unarmed.
Harry's Riding and Magical Mounts class also changed. Most of the students had shown themselves to be proficient with their hippogriffs, and so were moved on to the giant seahorses that Hagrid had somehow acquired. With the aid of a Bubble-Head Charm and several very strong Warming Charms, Harry's classmates found themselves speeding through the frigid waters of the Great Lake.
Harry, on the other hand, remained with Buckbeak. Under Keldorn's direction, he began to practice fighting from the back of his faithful hippogriff. He alternated between using his wooden sword and his wand. He trained on the ground and in the air. It was difficult - learning to keep his balance while swinging the heavy sword was challenging, but Harry's natural affinity for flight as well as his talent in the saddle helped him progress quickly.
And so it was that on one of the last evenings of February, Harry found himself putting the finishes touches on Sir Keldorn's boots.
"I've finished polishing your boots, sir," Harry said as he rose from his seat and carried the articles in question over to the knight.
The paladin had his eyes closed and seemed to be deep in thought. Harry placed the boots on the floor by the side of the knight's desk and stood at attention. When his mentor made no move to say anything after several long minutes, Harry broke the silence once again.
"Will there be anything else tonight, sir?"
Keldorn opened his eyes and looked intently at his squire. The old knight seemed… sad.
"There is one more thing before you are dismissed for the night."
"Yes, sir?"
"Have a seat, Harry," Keldorn said, gesturing to one of the chairs on the other side of his desk. "I have been meaning to discuss this with you for some time now. But I wanted to see how things progressed first. It is a rather… delicate topic."
Harry sat up a little straighter and licked his lips. Keldorn was rarely this hesitant when he spoke - it was making Harry nervous.
"I have been watching your interactions with Miss Granger."
Harry narrowed his eyes as he listened, feeling somewhat defensive all of a sudden.
"I do not doubt your intentions with the young woman, nor do I think that you would get up to anything dishonorable."
Oh, thought Harry. Please tell me he isn't going to give me 'The Talk.'
"But I have to question the wisdom of the relationship."
"What?" Harry blurted out in surprise. "What's wrong with me and Hermione?"
Keldorn sighed.
"There is nothing wrong with either you or your friend. You are both good people, and I am glad to know you. In any other circumstance, I would give you my blessings for a long and happy life together.
"But, we are not in other circumstances, we find ourselves here and now, in a place of our own choosing."
"I don't understand," Harry said in confusion.
"The life of a paladin, Harry," Keldorn continued in all seriousness, "is not one that readily lends itself to romance or family."
Harry's heart was pounding in his chest.
"I'm sorry to have to say this to you, Harry, but it must be said nonetheless. I want you to seriously consider what life would be like for you and Hermione once you are truly a paladin. Neither the Codex Luminis nor the teachings of the Order expressly forbid paladins to marry, but remaining celibate has always been strongly encouraged.
"Celibacy allows for the single-minded devotion that is necessary to stem the tide of the Darkness. It removes the temptation to turn away from one's duty and indulge in the softer side of life that we are pledged to protect, but that can never truly be ours. It relieves us of the likelihood of divided loyalties to wife and children on the one hand, and the demands of our duty to the Light on the other."
Harry was slowly shaking his head as he listened to his mentor. His throat was dry and his eyes were stinging.
"The brightest knights in the Order always saw the wisdom of remaining romantically unattached. But there are always some who, perhaps foolishly, think that they can handle the demands of both service to the Light and the covenant of marriage."
"You don't know how I feel about her…" Harry painfully whispered.
"But I do, Harry," Keldorn said with a sad smile, "I do."
Harry looked up into his mentor's eyes.
"I did say that there are always those foolish paladins who think they can have both. I once had a wife. Maria. Hair red like the dawn, smile as bright as the Light itself. We had two daughters together, Leona and Vesper. What more could a man want?"
Keldorn's eyes became distant as he revealed this part of himself from a world that was now impossibly far away from him.
"She said she knew what she was getting into. She said that she could handle being the wife of a paladin. She was so strong, Harry, so very strong. I believed her. I thought we would be stronger together. I thought that we would serve the Light better together. And at first, it was true. While the Light was my strength and my shield, Maria was my rock. But over time, the demands became too much for her. I wasn't there for her when she needed me. It seemed that my duty always had me elsewhere.
"So she left me."
The room was utterly silent for a long moment before Keldorn once again took up the story.
"One day I returned home to find the house empty. Maria had packed up the girls and left. I don't even know how long they had been gone. There was a note explaining things. Apologizing. They were all unhappy. All three of them had made the choice to leave. I could have searched for them, of course. I doubtlessly would have found them too, with the resources of the Order at my disposal. But I finally saw the wisdom in letting things be. I knew they would be alright - Maria's family had ample means to assist her, and she was always a capable woman. My life was simply not fair to Maria or to my girls. It broke my heart, but I let them go."
Keldorn's gaze returned to the present and he turned and captured Harry's eyes with his own.
"I will not tell you what you must do in your relationship with Hermione. I will not interfere beyond this conversation unless it begins to impact your training. But you need to be aware of what you are getting into. Hermione has a right to know what she can truly expect if she stays with you.
"Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you and Hermione can endure where Maria and I failed. Truthfully, I only hope you that you can learn from an old man's foolish mistakes, and perhaps save yourself some heartache."
Keldorn broke their eye contact and turned in his chair to face the window.
"That will be all. Goodnight, Harry."
Harry rose from his seat and quietly left the room. He slowly made his way through the halls, meandering about the corridors on his way back to Gryffindor Tower and the young witch that was waiting for him in the common room. At the moment, he was in no hurry to return.
He felt unsteady. Like the rug had been pulled out from beneath his feet.
Was Keldorn right? Should he break things off with Hermione before it got to be too serious? Would that save them from heartache down the road?
The old knight made some good points. Harry could see the reasoning behind his words. There was wisdom in what he had said.
But his heart ached to stay with Hermione.
Harry sighed. His heart may have wanted Hermione, but he knew that a decision could not be made by his heart alone. He was certain that much was true.
Most people would probably tell him something like, 'Follow your heart.' But that was ridiculous.
Anyone who actually used their brain could see that adages like, 'Follow your heart,' were utter nonsense. Following your heartfelt desires was all well and good - when it was reasonable. Without reason, without the mind in control of the decision making process, following your heart was more likely to simply lead to heartbreak than happiness. Human beings were not meant to flitter from one heartfelt desire to the next without a thought for the consequences. Following your heart was all well and good for people in storybooks and movies, where the characters were assured of their happily-ever-after. But real people had responsibilities. They had others that depended on them. They had duties that couldn't simply be laid aside without real people getting hurt. There was nothing more selfish or self-centered than a person who went off to follow their heart without a thought for anything or anyone else around them.
After all, wasn't Voldemort just following his heart in his attempt to take over the world?
No, this was a decision that needed some careful thought and meditation. Harry knew what he wanted, but he wasn't sure if what he wanted was right.
Harry looked up and found himself standing in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady. He muttered the password and slowly made his way into the common room.
His eyes immediately went to Hermione. She was waiting for him as always on the couch by the fire. Ready to try and help relieve some of his stress - ease some of his burden.
She looked up at him and smiled. She gave a little wave, her eyes bright with something that Harry didn't want to think about at the moment.
He walked over to her, but did not sit down.
"Sorry, Hermione, but I think I'm going to just turn in tonight."
Hermione frowned and stood from her seat.
"What's wrong?"
"I'm okay."
"Harry, don't…"
"I'm okay, Hermione," Harry repeated, cutting her off. "It's just something Sir Firecam and I were discussing that has me thinking more than I should, I guess."
"You sound so sad though."
"Well, I guess I am a little."
"Why don't you sit with me so I can try and cheer you up?"
Harry gave her a small smile.
"Any other night, and I would let you try. Really, Hermione, I think I just need to turn in."
"Well, if you're sure," she said as she reached out and hugged him.
"Thanks, Hermione," Harry said as he gave her a little kiss on the forehead. "I don't deserve you."
After savoring the embrace for a moment, Harry stepped back, said goodnight, and made his way to the stairs.
Halfway up, he glanced back over his shoulders to see Hermione standing where he had left her, her eyes following his every movement. She looked sad. Harry felt guilty.
The weight of responsibility had never felt heavier.
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AN: Thoughts?
Thanks for your reviews. And thanks for reading!