Jamie Vaughn Normal Jamie Vaughn 6 50 2003-08-29T11:32:00Z 2003-08-29T12:42:00Z 1 1523 8687 72 20 10190 10.2625 Clean Clean MicrosoftInternetExplorer4
Author's Note: This is a one-shot Lily/James fic. It gave me terrible trouble while I was trying to write it. The idea had been bouncing around my head for quite some time, so finally I wrote it out. James watches Lily as she sleeps and thinks of all the reason why he doesn't want to wake her.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters and I'm making no money.
Let You Sleep
Dear Lily,
It should seem strange that I am writing you a letter. I could just as easily walk over to the bed and wake you. I could gently shake your shoulder until your eyes snap open. I can't wake you. I don't want to see fear in your pretty green eyes. Waking you at three o'clock in the morning would alarm you. You would think that something terrible has happened. I don't want to scare you, Lily. I'll just be content with writing you this letter and letting you sleep.
You're so beautiful when you sleep. Your hair is all over the pillow, and when you wake up in the morning you'll complain about it being a mess. Your chest rises and falls as you take steady breaths. I look at your face and I wonder how the world around us can be in such a state. You look so perfect, so peaceful, but just outside our window, the world is collapsing. Our friends are dying, risking their lives, but you don't know anything about that at the moment.
You smile a little when you sleep. I can only hope that you are having pleasant dreams. Much more pleasant than the reality that you would wake up to. I hope you are dreaming of a future for us, and that we are both there. That we are surrounded by our friends and that we are all safe. I hope that your dreams will get you through this. If I had the power, I would let you sleep until this is over. I would let you live inside your dreams until I am certain that they can become a reality. I could never imagine waking you in the middle of the night. Right now you are lost to the world. You don't know the dangers facing us. You don't care that Voldemort is taking over. When you sleep, you don't know anything about the war. You don't toss and turn like I do. Nothing seems to worry you, Lily, and I love you for that. You are my foundation. You've kept me sane for the past few years, and I want to thank you so much for that.
Before you clicked off the lamp on your side of the bed a few hours ago, I told you that I was scared. You smiled at me and told me not to be. You said that this would all be over soon. I want to believe you, Lily, but I see no end in sight. I can only think that this has just begun. I'm scared for all of us. For you and me, Sirius, Remus, Peter, and the rest of the Order. We are risking so much to fight this. I can't bear to think what would happen if I lost one of you. But I also can't bear to think about what would happen if I were to die. You would be alone. You'd have our friends, but I know you'd be lost, just like me.
I can't even think about that possibility as I watch your hand move in your sleep. You moved a little and brought it to rest on your stomach. Another reason why I can't wake you. You need your sleep. Eight months pregnant can't be very comfortable. Our child needs you, Lily. You're going to be a perfect mother. I hope our child can survive this war with us. There is always a chance that something might happen to one or, Merlin forbid, both of us. I almost feel guilty for bringing a child into the world now. Nothing is certain anymore. Then I think of you, and how excited you are. I can't wait for this month to be over. I want to meet our little boy.
I'm looking forward to it. Being a parent, that is. We've decided on Harry as his name after a big row over you wanting to call him James. I couldn't do that to the poor kid. I know he's going to be perfect, just like you. I haven't been able to sleep since you told me you were pregnant. I've been staring up at the ceiling thinking about all we have to look forward to. I see you smiling beside me as we watch him take his first steps. A sparkle in his eye when I hand him his first broomstick and teach him all about quidditch. Maybe he'll be a chaser like his dad. Then you're dragging him in to Madam Malkin's to buy school robes. It's going to break my heart to have him away so much when he starts Hogwarts, but I know he'll have a wonderful time and make great friends like we did. I see him stepping on that train and waving goodbye. He'll be a Gryffindor, I know that for sure. And I'll sneak him the Invisibility Cloak when you aren't looking.
Yes, he'll be in Gryffindor and he'll sleep in my old dorm room. I hope he will make friends like I did. Great friends like Sirius and Remus. Sirius was very excited when I asked him to be Harry's godfather. He nearly started crying! I don't think I've ever seen him that emotional. Remus totally understood my choosing Sirius and instead of him. He said he was relieved. Now he can have the fun and none of the responsibility. I worry about Remus. They're passing a lot of new laws dealing with werewolves and none of them are in his favor. Maybe things will better for him when this war is over. Peter didn't mind either, that I chose Sirius. He said he was busy lately and didn't have time to help take care of a baby. He really has been busy. It's not like him to have so much to do. I guess keeping busy is his way of dealing with the stress of things. He's never been very good at dueling, and I wonder sometimes how much longer he'll last in this. Sirius says that Peter isn't being honest with us, but lately we've all been looking over our shoulders.
The whole world has turned upside and best friends can't trust each other anymore. I hope Harry never has to deal with things like this. Not knowing who's on your side and who's against you. I look people in the face at the Ministry and I don't know who they're working for. I look in their eyes to see if I recognize them from a Death Eaters hood. It's like an alternate universe; things shouldn't be the way they are. I won't continue to worry you over this. I think somehow you're reading my thoughts. All of a sudden there is a frown on your face and your brow is wrinkled annoyance. I can hear you telling me to stop worrying and to enjoy the good things we have, not to dwell on the unfortunate.
Of course that is just one reason you are now frowning. The other might be the sudden beam of light that has fallen over your face through the opened curtain. No doubt that the noise from Sirius' motorcycle has disturbed your beautiful dreams. He's just opened the front door now and is making his way, as loudly as possible, up the stairs. I will be so happy when we move into a more permanent residence. That house in Godric's Hollow was perfect. Room for us and Harry, not to mention a spare bedroom for Sirius...I agree with you, Lily, he will never settle down. Maybe we can build him a room over the broom shed. He's clicked on the light in the bathroom after running into counter like he does every night and saying very loudly something that I shall not repeat here. I love him like a brother, Lily, but I swear if he wakes you up I'm going to kill him.
I've been thinking about that house in Godric's Hollow a lot lately. It really is perfect for us. I've picked out which room will be Harry's. The one on the second floor with the huge tree at the window. I see a crib in the corner and lot's of blue baby things. I'll leave the decorating to you. The yard was really beautiful. Just the place to teach Harry how to fly. He'll have the best broomstick money can buy, and don't you dare tell me not to spoil him. Even if I don't, there will be plenty of people who will. He'll be a happy little boy.
I am relieved to see that you are no longer frowning and whatever unpleasantness you encountered in your dream is gone. Your dreams are no place for unhappy thoughts. Your dreams are getting us through this. Now you're smiling again and your sleep is becoming restless. You're tossing and turning, which I know can't be easy for you. You're not tossing and turning in terror, no, you aren't having nightmares. You're moving around restlessly as though something exciting is about to happen and you can't wait for it.
Maybe you're thinking about our house. Maybe you're thinking about Harry. Perhaps in your dream the nurse is handing you a new born baby. You could just be dreaming about our future in general, and all we have to look forward to. You look really happy now, so that must be it. Perhaps you've found a way to stop the war and assure that we have those dreams and make them real.
I'll have to ask you in the morning what makes you smile when you sleep. You can tell me about your dreams and maybe a way to stop the war. I know you see things in your sleep that I could never imagine and I want you to tell me all about them. But that will have to wait until you wake up in the morning and turn you head towards mine, and we rest on our pillows, staring into each other's eyes. You'll ask me if I've been up all night and I will tell you yes. And we will have the discussion we have almost every morning when you wake up and find me looking at you.
You think I need my rest, and I agree with you. You'll tell me a million reasons why. I have work to do for the Order, I'm going to be a father soon, and I need to be healthy for the baby. I'll tell you I'm just getting ready for the late night feedings and rocking Harry to sleep. You'll then say another million things and I will hear very few of them because I'm only focusing on that sparkle in your pretty green eyes. I hope Harry has your eyes.
I'll stare into your eyes until I begin drifting off to sleep, picking up inside the dreams where you just left off, but not before I ask you, Lily, to keep your dreams alive. And not before I thank you for loving me and having faith when I can't. And not before I hand you this letter, sealed with my love. I love you, Lily, but I can't tell you until you wake up in the morning, because right now, I'm just going to let you sleep.
With Love,
James