Author's Note: I know I said that this was to be a one-shot, but I felt like Lily needed to answer James's letter. So here you have it. Her response to what he wrote to her.
Lily's Reply
Dear James,
I woke up this morning and was a little alarmed to find you not beside me. I was more disappointed, actually, that you weren't there. The best part of my day is in the morning when I wake up and find you smiling at me. Even if your eyes are tired and you yawn more than you speak. I still love seeing you there. You used to mess up your hair so it would look like you just jumped off your broomstick, but it looks much better after a night of tossing and turning on your pillow. You there beside me, it's a constant in this world full of uncertainties. I know when I wake up in the morning; you will be there beside me.
There is something that troubles me about the mornings, though. It's your eyes. They're so lovely, James, but they look so tired after you haven't slept. I can see behind them to the nightmares you've avoided by staying awake all night, and there's nothing I can do about them. Sometimes I think you'll let them spill out and you'll cry your troubles out on my shoulder, but that never happens. You keep it bottled in the best you can. I wish I could get you to sleep comfortably beside me like you used to. I don't like the empty space in the bed, the little groove you've formed for yourself.
I sat up in the bed and you were slouched over our desk, asleep for once, but looking very uncomfortable. Your back is going to be very sore when you wake up, and you've gotten ink all over the place, trying to write a letter in the dark. It's all over your hands and you've smudged a bit on your nose trying to keep your glasses up. When I walked over to you I saw the letter you had been writing. It was underneath your hand and in between your fingers I could read "To Lily" written in your favorite green ink. You used to tell me that it reminded you of my eyes. Then I'd tell you to stop trying to flatter me, James Potter, because it's not going to work. You and I both know that wasn't the truth then, and it still isn't.
I almost want to shake you awake so you can tell me how my eyes are pools of emerald ink. I never knew how you could say things like that and never crack a smile. Everything you said to me was so sincere, and that almost makes me reach out for your shoulder, but I don't. Instead I tugged at the corner of the envelope. It was stuck to the palm of your hand. I tried to get it without disturbing your sleep, and eventually I tugged it free, but not before you turned your head a little. You were still asleep, and smiling with a silly little grin. I knew then that it would be okay.
I felt almost guilty ripping open the seal. I didn't know if you wanted me to see this or not. It had my name on it, so I opened it anyway. As interested as I was in what you had to say, the smell of coffee was floating in from underneath the door, so I went into the kitchen. Remus is going to make a nice little house-wife someday, don't you think? Although he's not a morning person. I said told him good morning and thanks for making the coffee and he just sort of grunted in my general direction and walked off to take a shower. Sometimes I'm glad we live in this little apartment with our friends, but I can't wait until we get a house of our own.
Coffee in hand I went back to our room to read your letter. I wondered what you had to say to me that you hadn't already. Something that you couldn't tell me in person, for some reason you had to write it down. I knew it was important and that it set your mind at ease. You were sleeping like you had not slept in a very long time. I unfolded the parchment and saw your smudged finger prints all around the edges. Your handwriting very neat. Every line and letter written with a purpose. The edges of the letters almost perfectly straight, but leaning a little to the right. Sloppy here and there because you were so tired when you wrote it. I propped the letter on my belly and sipped my coffee. I love Harry, and I can't wait until he's born, but I imagine he won't be as useful to prop things up on anymore. If there's something I'll miss about being pregnant, it's that.
Your letter was so beautiful, James. If it's possible, it made me love you more. I've never felt such strong emotion in my entire life. Not when you asked me to marry you, and not even the day we exchanged vows. There was something of you on those pages and in that ink. Something I knew you always had in you, but you'd never shown me before. Your compliments put tears in my eyes. I have always known that we loved each other, but to read these words from you put a sort of seal on it. A thousand thoughts rushed into my mind about us. I realized there was a bond there that couldn't be broken. You don't have to feel bad about Harry being born into a world full of such chaos, because we'll be there and he will know stability and love no matter what happens.
I did have pleasant dreams last night. Very nice ones about us and our friends and our son. I can't remember clearly what happened, but I know we were there. Sirius, Remus and Peter were there with us, and we were all happy. I thank you for not waking me. Sometimes I'd rather live in a dream world full of fantasy. A place where no harm can come to us and where we know what is going to happen from day to day. A world that is not plagued by evil. Somewhere we can live and trust again. I don't want to stay there alone and let you fight the battles of reality without me. That's why I wish you could sleep. We could dream together and escape from the killing and betrayal of our world. But as a wise old man once told us, it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live. We have to make the best of what's around us, and I believe we've done that with little Harry.
As hard as it is carrying around another person in my stomach, or there about, I sometimes wish he could stay there for a little longer. I know he's safe there as along as I am, and I'm safe because you're protecting me. But then I read your letter and I know that I'll be much happier once Harry arrives. I hope we do all the things you told me about. I can't wait to drag him by the ear into Madam Malkin's and make him try on robe after robe. He'll be as stubborn as you are, I know it. I'm going to cry my eyes out on that platform when he takes his first trip to Hogwarts. I won't want to let go of him, but I know you're right, he'll be just as happy as we were there. I know he's got some great friends in his future. Friends in Gryffindor, the only house he could possibly be sorted into, or else his godfather might disown him.
I don't know if you've noticed the pride Sirius is taking in the boy. You'd think he had a part in creating him. He's more anxious than we are. Every second he has the chance, he asks me when I think it'll be. Patience is something that Sirius Black has never mastered. I know he was excited about being Harry's godfather. He doesn't want us to move out. I think he wants us to stay here so he can watch Harry grow with us. I knew Remus would be okay with it. He understands the situation, and had we offered, I think he might have refused. I worry about him, too. He's strong despite his weaknesses and I know he'll make it through this. I know Peter hasn't been around a lot lately, but I don't think we need to start getting suspicious of every little thing. We've all got to stick together and trust each other, or we'll be completely lost. If we stay true to each other, we'll have nothing to worry about. There is always hope, James.
I wish I could tell you that I found answers in my sleep, or anywhere else, for that matter. I want to hug you and put my hands in your hair and whisper into your ear that everything is going to be okay. I want to find the magic that can solve this awful problem, a way to get rid of Voldemort and everything he has done. It breaks my heart to tell you that I can't. I know you depend on me, James, to be there for you, and I always will. I'll be there the best that I can and I'll stand beside you, as you do for me, and we'll hold each other up. I'm scared just like you are, but we mustn't let that fear drive our actions. I don't even want to think about one of us dying. I'm certain that I could not live without you. I could not raise our Harry by myself. I don't want you to be left alone either. It's better to live the time we do have to its fullest, and to not think for a moment about the terrible things that might happen. I know that the possibility is always there, but that is not something that one wants to be constantly reminded of. Try to keep those thoughts away. We'll be together, we'll be happy, James. Though I don't know how or when, I know one day all of this will be over.
You're still asleep at the desk and I know you're enjoying the perfect world of your dreams. I'll do you the same favor you did me, and let you sleep there as long as you can. Sirius is at it again. He's banging on the bathroom door telling Remus to hurry up and get his arse out of there. I don't want him to wake you. I want you to sleep and dream about that lovely house in Godric's Hollow. I think we'll get it, it really is perfect. Your visions for Harry's room are exactly what I see, and I'm glad you'll leave the decorating for me to handle. For a few scared moments I considered what might happen if you and the boys tried to surprise me by doing it by yourselves. That was not a pleasant mental picture. But then I saw you teaching Harry to ride a broom and quizzing him on quidditch positions and stats about your favorite team. I see a house full of happiness and a little room over the broom shed for Sirius and his motorbike. Not to mention the permanent dent in the couch from Remus sleeping on it so often.
I don't know why I was frowning in my sleep, or why I was tossing and turning in excitement. Maybe I was dreaming that a nurse was handing me a new born baby. I didn't hear Sirius come in last night, I never do. I don't think his noise this morning is going to wake you either. You're smiling in your sleep now, just as you said I did, and you look perfect. I know what makes you smile while you sleep. That's no great mystery to me. You're dreaming of spoiling your little boy with quality broomsticks and fine robes. About giving him the Invisibility Cloak and teaching him how to work the Marauder's Map. About living a long, happy life, loving your wife and your friends. I want to let you live in those dreams until I can make them real, just as you wanted to do for me, but I have a feeling neither one of us could do this by ourselves. We need each other, awake in and aware of the reality of the things going on around us, but clinging hopefully to the chance that things will be turn out for the best.
We do need each other and all the support from our friends we can get. And they need us as well. The only way to fight the chaos and the crumbling world is to meet it head on with strength and a belief that we can defeat it. I love you, James, and that fact will never change, no matter what might happen to us. I believe in that as strongly as I believe in the solid nature of the earth. It will always be there to stand upon. It's not dreams of a wonderful future together that will get us through; it's believing that there is something, or someone, worth fighting for.
It's painful to watch you breathe with that horrible twist in your neck and back. That chair is no place for sleeping. I've let you sleep long enough, and now I'll have to wake you. I'd much rather throw a blanket over your shoulders, or just lead you over to the bed, but I can't. There is work to be done and the morning is moving more rapidly by us. I'll wake you up and we'll face whatever comes together. Hand in hand, like we've always been. We've got something to fight for and something to protect, and right now he's trying to kick his way out of my belly. I can't sit still and write any longer. I have to get up, as do you. Dumbledore was right, James, it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, but I have a feeling we can do something to make those dreams seem closer to becoming our reality. Don't forget, James Potter, how much I love you.
Yours Always,
Lily