Author's note: This chapter was near torture to write…it was written and rewritten and rewritten again and I think I'm finally satisfied. I'm telling you writer's block rears its ugly head at the worst of times. I'm trying to control it, guys. I hope it doesn't come on again like it did this time. I also have to admit I was a bit preoccupied this evening with the finale of Friends. I won't spoil it for anyone who hasn't watched it yet, but I was very satisfied with the ending of it…but enough about that… on with Chapter Eleven. I hope you will read and review.
Chapter 11
If She Knew What She Wants
"If she knew what she wants
(He'd be giving it to her)
If she knew what she needs
(He could give her that too)
If she knew what she wants
(But he can't see through her)
If she knew what she wants
He'd be giving it to her"
(The Bangles, "If She Knew What She Wants")
It was just past ten in the evening when Karen Granger finally turned the television off and decided it was finally time for bed. She hadn't meant to spend the evening in front of the television, but she'd found herself engrossed in a murder mystery and couldn't tear herself away until she found out who had actually done it.
The house was quiet, save for the ticking from the grandfather clock in the foyer. Robert had gone to bed an hour ago. He'd spent his afternoon off on the golf course playing two rounds. He'd been positively knackered by the time he made it home.
She was about to ascend the staircase to join him when the doorbell chimed. The sound startled her and she wondered who on earth would be calling at such a late hour. She sighed as she made her way toward the door. She peeked out the window beside the door to see who it was and was quite surprised to see Hermione standing on the doorstep.
Karen unlocked the door and smiled welcomingly at her daughter, whose eyes were focused on the ground. Karen stepped outside and took her hand to tilt her daughter's chin up so she could get a good look at her. Her heart sank as she took in Hermione's sad face. Her eyes were red and puffy and her cheeks were flushed. She'd obviously been crying.
"Hermione?" Karen asked, concern dripping from her voice. "Sweetheart? What is it? What's wrong?"
Hermione's lower lip trembled as she looked at her mother. "I-I didn't know where else to go. I saw your light was still on so I took a chance. I know it's late, Mum, but I-"
Karen cut Hermione off by giving her a comforting hug. She soothingly whispered in Hermione's ear. "It's going to be okay, sweetie."
******************
A few minutes later, the two of them were sitting at the kitchen table nursing cups of tea. They hadn't said much since they'd sat down. Karen was waiting for Hermione to take the lead. Though, truth be told, she didn't have to be a rocket scientist to know what, or namely whom, had Hermione in such a state. Harry Potter.
"Is there anything I can do to help?" Karen asked, looking at Hermione.
Hermione gave a half-hearted laugh as she used her finger to trace the rim of her teacup. "I honestly don't think anyone can help me, Mum. Can you tell me how to clean up the utter mess I've made of my life?"
Karen looked sympathetically at Hermione. "Well, I can try if you tell me what happened?"
"I should never have come back home like this," Hermione said shaking her head. "I should have known better."
"Why did you?" she asked. "You could have posted those papers, you know?"
"He wasn't going to sign them, Mum," Hermione said, shaking her head. "I knew that. But, I still had to come back. I thought I'd done such a good job of putting it all behind me. I told myself I was over him and that my life wasn't here anymore. I had a new life, a new love and a new career in New York that was all mine."
"Sounds perfect," Karen said.
"You'd think, wouldn't you?" Hermione asked sardonically. "But you want to know the truth? Other than my job, I haven't really been all that happy in New York. I like to think I started over, but how could I? How could I really, Mum? How could I when I couldn't let go of the past? And I tried, but it only made me think about it more."
Hermione took a deep breath as she remembered the events that led up to that horrible day. She hadn't talked to anyone about this in such a long time. She'd broached the subject with her flatmate Abby, but she hadn't really talked about her emotions and what she'd been feeling. She hadn't been ready then, but as she looked at her mother, she knew she was ready now.
******Begin Flashback****
"Hermione?" Harry's voice called to her. She was in the bedroom, reading about magical births. The healer had told her to take it easy when she could. She was six months along now and she'd had a scare with high blood pressure a few times. The doctor had told her to cut her course load at university, which she'd regretfully done. He'd also prescribed bed rest. For someone who wasn't used to lying around, it was nearly torture for her to just sit around and be waited on.
She looked up with a grin as Harry came into the bedroom. His cheeks were flushed with excitement as he sat down on the side of the bed and chastely kissed his wife hello.
"How's my family today?" he asked, patting her stomach.
"Well, your wife is sick of sitting around," Hermione said with a laugh. "And your baby here is definitely going to be quite the little footballer. He or she has been kicking me all day. I don't think they're going to be one to sit around all day either. We're probably going to have our hands full with this one, Harry."
Harry laughed. "Well, I have great news!"
Hermione closed her book and looked up at him with a sly grin. "Scientists have found a way for men to experience child birth?"
Harry winced. "No, thank Merlin!"
Hermione snapped her fingers in disappointment. "Damn! And I thought you had great news!"
"I do," Harry said, getting off the bed and heading for the closet. He pulled down his suitcase and Hermione's heart sank. She didn't need him to go on any further. She knew what was coming.
"We've got a lead on that case we've been working on for nearly a year, Hermione," Harry said, opening up the case on the bed and walking over to the dresser and beginning to pull out trousers and socks. "Remus says that we need to leave straightaway. There's an uprising in South America. A number of attacks have been taking place there and in Central America. Muggles attacked in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. Anyway, I can't get into too much of it now, but we really feel as if we have an idea of who's behind it all."
Hermione looked down at the book on her stomach and tried not to sound mad.
"When do you leave?"
"In about an hour," Harry said, absently walking over to the closet again and pulling out some shirts. Hermione was silent. She didn't want to be the kind of wife who wanted to be with her husband all the time. That was far from the case. She valued her private time as did Harry. They knew when to give each other space. But, lately, he'd been away an awful lot. She hadn't complained at the beginning. In fact, she'd been all for him continuing on his job as he had before. She had told him she was pregnant, not an invalid. She could do just fine and if she had any problems she had her parents, the Weasleys and any other number of friends to turn to. She'd been the supportive, dutiful wife.
What she hadn't told him though was that with the complications from her pregnancy, she'd been quite scared. She honestly didn't know what she'd do if anything happened. She needed him there for his support, mentally, physically and emotionally.
"What?" he asked, seeing the sad look upon her face as he closed his suitcase.
"Nothing," she said, picking up her book and leafing absently through the pages.
"Hermione?"
"Nothing," she repeated. Crookshanks came into the room and purred as he jumped on the bed and nestled beside Hermione.
"You're mad," he said. "I can tell."
"I'm not mad," she said crossly. "If I was mad, I'd tell you I was mad, I'm not mad."
"Yes, you are," he teased.
She glared at him. "I'm bloody fed up with this!"
"With what?"
"Don't act as if you don't know," she said staring at him. "I really wish you wouldn't go this time, Harry. Can't someone else go?"
"I have to go," he said. "This is my case. It's the one I've been busting my arse over for the past year. I shouldn't be gone long. Didn't the healer say you'd be okay? You haven't had any problems in the past couple of weeks? I probably won't even be gone a week, Hermione."
She knew she was being stupid, but she couldn't help it. Maybe it was the hormones from the pregnancy. She cried at
the drop of a hat lately, but she just couldn't let this go.
"The world's not going to end if you don't end up being the hero, Harry," she said softly.
He looked at her as if she'd slapped him.
"Not this again," he said, getting up from the bed and pacing in front of her. "So you think I have this hero complex, do you?"
"Don't you?" she spat back angrily.
"What's that supposed to mean?" he retorted.
"You know damn well what it means!" she exclaimed.
"Hermione," he said, trying to keep his emotions in check. "Please don't let's get into this right now, okay? Come on. This can't be very good for the baby."
"I just want to know," she said trying to stay calm. "If I'm going to be raising the baby myself? Will you be off storming Death Eater camps when the baby's teething? Will you be leading raids when the child goes off to Hogwarts?"
He knew she was just being emotional from the pregnancy, but her words were stinging him. She had to know he loved her and their child very much. If she didn't, she didn't know him at all.
"Hermione," he said calmly. "I love you. I'm going to raise our family with you. I'm not leaving you alone to face all this yourself. I will always choose you; you know that, don't you? But, this is my job. A lot of people are counting on me right now. I can't leave them in the lurch."
"But you have no problem leaving me?" she asked, instantly regretting her words.
"You know that isn't true," he said softly. "You mean more to me than anyone or anything else, you know that don't you?"
She looked at him and as always found that she couldn't stay mad at him for very long.
"I know that, Harry," she said. "It's just---I don't know my emotions are all haywire these days. I just-I'm scared, Harry. I want you to come home to us. Your job is so dangerous. I sometimes wonder if you even know how much. I just feel as if sometimes your job is your life, Harry. I wonder where I fit in sometimes."
"You fit in at the top," he said, sitting down beside her on the bed. "I promise to come home to you and we'll go baby shopping like we planned. We still need to get loads of nappies and baby clothes and all that other baby stuff, right?"
She laughed. "You are such a guy."
"I know that," he said. "That's why I need you to help me thorough all this mess."
She leaned into him and sighed. "I can never stay mad at you for too long, why is that?"
"Because I'm so handsome and charming?"
She looked thoughtful for a moment. She shook her head. "No, that can't be it."
"Scarlet woman," he teased, kissing her forehead.
He got up from the bed and looked at his watch.
"I better get a move on," he said. He looked over at his wife. "If you really want me to stay, Hermione. I will."
She grinned. "It's okay, Harry. Just come home to me, okay?"
He walked over to her and kissed her deeply and caressed her cheek.
"I love you," he whispered. He leaned over her stomach and said," I love you, too, baby."
She laughed and watched as he gathered his suitcase and cloak and walked toward the bedroom door. He turned as he reached it and gave her one last smile before walking out the door.
_end of flashback_
"And I didn't treat anyone fairly in all this," Hermione said, pushing her teacup away. "I said some pretty hateful things to Harry before I left. And I made him think it was his fault that we lost the baby, Mum. I told him that I blamed him for not being there for me when I needed him. But, the truth was that it was my fault."
"You're fault?" Karen asked. "Hermione, sweetheart. You had no way of knowing what would happen."
"But I should have known better," Hermione said, fresh tears flowing freely down her cheeks. "I was six months pregnant! I was tired of being cooped up in the house and I just wanted to get some books from the university library. I didn't think it would hurt anything if I just popped out of the cottage for an hour or two."
Karen hated to see her daughter in so much pain and she wanted to say something to comfort her, but she knew that what Hermione needed to do was to talk about what had happened. She needed her mother to listen. So that's what Karen did.
"We'd had that awful snowstorm," Hermione said guiltily. "And I knew I was taking a chance, but I really didn't think it would hurt anything if I just got out of the house for a bit. And it felt so good to be out again like that. I knew I should just apparate back home, but I was enjoying being out in the fresh air so much, I couldn't resist a little walk around campus. I came out of that library and the air was so cold and biting, but it felt so good on my skin."
Karen nodded.
"And I didn't notice the icy patch on the steps," Hermione choked out, her voice wracked with emotion. "I tried to grab onto the railing, but it just made it worse and I fell. All I could think about was please, don't let anything happen to our baby."
Karen sobbed and grabbed hold of her daughter's hand trying to will Hermione to go on.
"I passed out from the fall," Hermione recalled. "And the next thing I remember I was waking up in a hospital bed and you and dad were there and you told me that I'd lost the baby."
"It was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do, Hermione," Karen choked out. "But you nearly died yourself. I don't know what I would have done if we'd have lost you, too."
"And you tried to find Harry, but no one could reach him," Hermione said. "And I just felt so alone and I wanted him there with me to help me deal with it. I sat there in that hospital room for a week dealing with it all by myself. I was so angry at myself and at him and at what had happened."
"He was devastated," Karen said, looking at her daughter. "Hermione, you should have seen his face when he found out that you'd lost the baby. He would have been with you if he'd known. You have to know that."
Hermione nodded and wiped a tear from her face. "I know that. And I don't know why, but we both sort of shut down then. When we both needed each other, we both shut down somehow."
"I wanted to shake some sense into you both," Karen said.
"I said some hurtful things to him and to you and Dad," Hermione said. "But I really should have directed my anger at myself."
"Listen to me, Hermione," Karen said, cupping her daughter's face in her hands. "It wasn't your fault. It was an accident. No one is to blame for it. You're human. You wanted some fresh air. Anyone else might have done the same thing given the same situation. You've never been one to like sitting around, unless it involved reading or studying."
Hermione smiled a genuine smile at her mother's attempt to lighten the mood.
"No one is to blame for what happened," Karen said. "Not you and not Harry. It was an accident."
Hermione nodded, wanting to believe her mother's words.
"I wasn't yours and Harry's biggest supporters," Karen said, looking at Hermione. "I was against your marriage at first. I just had such high hopes for you, Hermione. I didn't want you to throw all your chances away. When you shut us all out after the miscarriage, I took a long, hard look at what you'd managed to accomplish as a young wife and as a student. I was so proud of you. You were proving me wrong, Hermione. You were able to have it all."
"No," Hermione said, shaking her head. "It wasn't that easy. It was damn difficult, but at the end of the day, I always knew Harry would be there for me and I'd be there for him and we'd face it together, but losing the baby, just seemed to…"
"It's not too late, Hermione," Karen said. "He still loves you. Anyone with half a brain can see that. And I think you still love him, too. He's the reason you arrived here in such a state, isn't he?"
Hermione nodded, not at all surprised that her mother had managed to suss out everything by the minute details.
"We were getting along so well, Mum," Hermione said wistfully. "We went to Hyde Park today and had a picnic and it just seemed like old times. Everything that had happened to us seemed to melt away and it was just him and me and it seemed perfect."
Karen smiled.
"We came home," Hermione said. "And he kissed me, Mum. And I felt…dizzy."
"That's how it's supposed to feel," Karen said, with a grin.
Hermione blushed.
"Things were getting out of hand pretty quickly," Hermione said. "We came so close to making love and I so wanted to be with him like that again, and he said he loved me and I just panicked. Something in me made me push him away. And I just had to get out of there. I don't deserve his love, Mum."
"Why not?" Karen asked. "Why not?"
"Because all these years, I've made him think it was his fault," Hermione said. "I made him feel like he was to blame. And the way I've treated Andrew…I accepted his proposal knowing full well that I could never love anyone the way I loved Harry."
Karen gave her daughter a comforting pat on the shoulder.
"The way you still love Harry?" Karen asked, looking sternly at her daughter.
Hermione nodded.
"Well, it's not too late, Hermione," Karen said. "It's never too late to sort out the bad stuff and make it right again."
"You didn't see the look on Harry's face when I pushed him away, Mum," Hermione said, shaking her head. "He's pretty much finished with me."
"I don't believe that for a second," Karen said optimistically.
"I wish I could believe you."
"Well, you should," Karen said, getting up from her chair and ushering Hermione to follow her.
"What?" Hermione asked, nonplussed.
"Mothers are always right," Karen said smugly. "You can sort this out, Hermione. And you can start by telling your husband what you just told me."
"I don't know if I can," Hermione said doubtfully.
"I thought that you Gryffindors were brave and courageous," Karen lectured.
"Mum," Hermione said, not needing to hear a lecture about good, old Gryffindor bravery and courage.
"Well," Karen said. "You don't have to sort it all out tonight. You can get a good night's sleep and give Harry a chance to do the same. It will all look better in the morning. And everything will work out okay."
"You have no way of knowing that, Mum," Hermione said. "And what's with all the clichés?"
"Trust me, sweetheart," Karen said, walking with Hermione up the stairs. "Just trust me."
And Hermione knew her mother was right. She needed to talk to Harry and tell him what she felt. She just prayed he would listen.
********
At JFK Airport, Andrew Keegan was just boarding a plane bound for London. He'd just come from meeting his father and he'd had the shock of his life.
In his carry-on bag was a folder of photographs of his fiancée with a green-eyed, raven-haired man whom he didn't know. He had no idea what awaited him in London, but he was bound and determined to find out the truth from Hermione.