Title: Screaming on the Inside
Rating: R
Summary: Tragedy strikes Hermione. How will her friends react?
Disclaimer: The characters of this story were created by the genius that is JK Rowling. This fic was not written to make money of any kind but merely for the enjoyment.
Authors Note: Thanks to all who have reviewed. This is my favourite chapter so of this fic so far so I really hope you enjoy it. Its longer, sadder… don't ask me why but it was really fun to write. So more than usual I really hope you enjoy.
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Hermione's POV
I'm numb. That's the only way I can describe how I'm feeling now. Every emotion I've felt in the last day has been filtered. Only half of what I would usually feel. Except for the grief. Oh, that was coming in loud and clear. It was like the feeling had consumed me; leaving no room for anything else.
When I hugged Ron and Ginny goodbye I didn't feel the usual warm fuzzies as I usually did. Harry's hand on my back, guiding me didn't send tingles down my spine like it usually did, instead it just felt like a dead weight. Yet somehow his mere presence prevents me from becoming the weepy mess I was last night.
After a round of goodbyes we quietly head out of the portrait hole and head toward Professor Dumbledore's office. I vaguely remember the discussion that took place there this morning. Apparently we were going to take a portkey to the nearest Muggle train station and then go from there. At least that's what Harry had told me happened during our meeting in the office. I was so zoned out during the conversation that I only caught snippets.
"'Mione," I snap out of my self imposed stupor and look up at Harry. I'm struck by the sudden realisation of how tall Harry has become. It's ridiculous how the mind works at times.
"Huh?" my voice comes out sounding detached. I know I'm running on autopilot.
"We're leaving," Harry says simply. We lock eyes for a second and I see emerald eyes stare back at me full of concern. I take a step back and shift the weight of the bag on my shoulder. I'll never be ready for this.
Dumbledore hands Harry an old crisp packet which we must have been using as a portkey. I look up at Dumbledore and he gives me a gentle nod. Reaching out I grasp the chip packet an immediately feel the familiar tugging at my navel.
A few seconds later my feet touch the ground and I open my eyes taking a look at my new surroundings. As Harry had said we had been dropped at a Muggle train station.
I must have been standing there staring because I suddenly hear Harry's voice in my ear, "Train leaves in five."
I'm dimly aware of nodding. Together we board the train and I must be looking rather spaced because Harry keeps giving me weird looks. Like he's trying to figure out what's going on in my head. Good luck with that one, Harry. When you succeed in that, clue me in because I've got no idea.
I take the window seat resting my forehead against the cool glass. The sensation brings back a flood of memories. Tears prick my eyes and I bite my lip trying to hold back. From the corner of my eye I see Harry about to give me a hug. I pull away. The second he touches me I know I'll lose control. That's all I'm about at this point - control.
Harry gives me a slightly questioning look I would have missed if I didn't know him so well. Luckily he keeps his mouth shut.
The train starts to move and I watch everything move past my window, slowly at first and then gaining speed constantly. As the buildings begin to move past faster and faster I get the distinct impression that I'm watching my life. Powerless to go out there and change anything, powerless to stop the train.
I zoned, completely, lost in my thought for God knows how long until Harry gently touches me on the shoulder to let me know we were at Kings Cross. I stand and stretch. Reality comes crashing down around me as I realise how hungry I am. Checking my watch I'm shocked to find its half past one.
I tense slightly at the very thought of lunch with my aunt and cousins. I knew they all meant well but it was going to be a disaster of dancing around each others grief, saying the wrong thing and the inevitable and horrible awkward silences. On instinct I reach for Harry's hand, desperately searching for comfort.
My actions give me a welcome distraction from my current train of thought. I begin to wonder when it became such and instinct to grab my best friend's hand when in distress. I know I never grab Ron's hand on instinct even when we were together it was always more of an afterthought. If Ron had been here instead of Harry I would probably be burying my feelings deep beneath and putting on the brave face instead of letting him take the lead.
I'm snapped back to reality when someone jostles past me mumbling their apologies. I'm now standing on the platform, people rushing in every direction past me, my hand still firmly in Harry's. I really need to start paying more attention.
"Hermione!" I snap around to see my aunt and cousins standing in a small group. I feel Harry's eyes on me and I nod slowly knowing I'll never be ready for this. I take a deep breath. I might as well get this over and done with.
As we approach I notice the red rims around Aunt Cecily's eyes and the red tip of her nose from too much blowing. I realise I probably look worse, the kind of worse that makes you look and wonder what was happening to make someone look so horrible. Great, just what I need, strangers' pity.
"Hermione!" Aunt Cecily exclaims again, in a pitying tone, before sweeping me into what was supposed to be a comforting hug. Instead I just felt cold, my arms like stone as I moved them in an effort to return the favour. Cecily pretends not to notice my stiffness but I can feel Harry's eyes watching me intently.
My cousin Matt is the next to try and greet me. "Herms," he simply states his nickname for me before pulling me into a tight hug. I don't even bother with the charade. I stand there stiff as a board. I hear him whisper something in my ear. I understand each word but together they don't make sense. He pulls back but doesn't push. I'm suddenly very grateful that Matt is around my age.
I barely acknowledge the presence of Matt's two little sisters. We never really got along that well anyway. They were both too girlie girl.
Attention is now suddenly on Harry who's been standing slightly apart from us pretending to be very engrossed in the ceiling.
"And this is?" Aunt Cecily asks not bothering to hide her surprise whilst giving me a strange look. The realisation that she saw us walk up holding hands hits me and my mind reels to the amount of times I heard her outspoken lecture about "young people these days" and their dating habits. Taking no notice that Matt was one of the biggest players I've come across. Well screw what she thinks.
"Harry Potter, M'am," Harry introduces himself with a slight smile extending his hand. I can see that Aunt Cecily is taking a liking to him as she takes is hand and shakes it firmly. I shouldn't be surprised; everyone falls in love with Harry Potter. "Friend of Hermione's from school. I assume Professor Dumbledore told you I was coming."
Aunt Cecily continues to look at Harry as if she is unsure what to make of him. She nods slowly confirming Harry's statement yet still managing to look confused. Dumbledore probably forgot to mention the fact that Harry was male and in Aunt Cecily's stuck-in-the-fifties mind assumed best friend meant a female someone.
Out of the corner of my eyes I see a girl about eleven trailing excitedly after her parents. Unable to help myself I turn and follow the small family's movements. My eyes begin to sting slightly as I noticed the girl clutching to desperately to a well-thumbed book. I realise I'm staring but I can't tear my eyes away. They remind me so much of me and my parents.
Reality closes in on me. My mind starts to catalogue all the things I'll never hear or do again. Small things like my dad yelling at me to get my nose out of a book and to the dinner table. Or my mum giving me little knowing smiles as I told her all about what kind of trouble I got into with Harry and Ron during the school year.
I'm dimly aware of silent tears streaking down my face and a conversation going on around me. I hear Harry mention the word `lunch' and my stomach gives a lurch. Five minutes ago my stomach was making those strange rumbling noises but know the very thought of food makes me want to hurl.
Harry shots me a firm look and there is no mistaking his message. I'm going to eat something even if he has to force feed me. I don't really see the point in arguing. I know I won't win.
Lunch was a new experience. As I suspected it was full of awkward silences and Aunt Cecily was already grating on my nerves. I was so thankful for Harry and Matt at that moment as they tried to keep the conversation rolling around us. Not that I was paying any attention but I felt like less of a freak with people behaving normally around me.
As the waitress clears the plates away I finally speak. "I want to go see the house." Everyone at the table stops. My aunt looks at me shocked for a couple of seconds.
"Are you -"
I don't let her finish the sentence. "Yes," I tell her forcibly. I had to do this now or I would never do it.
Aunt Cecily looks slightly taken back by my certainty but she doesn't say anything more as she pays for lunch. The two girls chatter as we get into the car, I don't think they realise what is happening. I silently watch the city pass through the window of the car. The numb feeling spreading throughout my body.
We finally reach the house I have called home for the past seventeen years. It looms in front of me. I stand on the front lawn just staring up at it. I can feel Harry standing directly behind me. So close I can feel the heat coming off his body. I reach back and grab his hand before walking confidently up to the front door. Reaching in my pocket I pull out my key and unlock the door.
I move around the lower floor taking Harry with me. Hoping to find some clue about my parents last moments. I find nothing out of the ordinary. The paper folded carefully on my dad's chair. Dishes left drying net to the sink from that mornings breakfast.
I take Harry upstairs. I gently push the door to my parents' bedroom open. I hear the latch click, Harry must have closed the door behind me. The room is exactly as I remember it. Memories come flooding back. Me running in here after a nightmare. Sitting on the bed talking to mum or dad whenever they had the flu, telling them about my day. I walk over to the dresser, my mum's jewellery and make-up set out on the top. I run my hand over my mum's most prized jewellery box. It was where she kept everything dad had given her.
Silent tears pour down my face as I pick up the box and take it over to the bed. Sitting down I open the box. Everything was in its place just as I remembered it. I gently remove the emerald necklace, it was mum's favourite. Dad had given it to her while they were still at university.
I feel the bed sag as Harry sits down beside me. I don't look up instead my eyes trained on the pendant as it twirls in the air. Harry slips his arm around my waist and I lean into him my tears coming faster by the second. I drop the pendant back into the box and place it to the side.
"I miss them, Harry." Harry's grip on me becomes tighter. I bury my face on his shoulder and everything seems to flow out. Wracking sobs as I cluck onto Harry. We sit there Harry rocking me gently. My tears finally subside a bit.
"Thanks," I whisper as I pull back. I then realise that somewhere along the line Harry pulled me into his lap. Our eyes lock and for a second I forget everything that has happened. That's all I want; to forget.
I lean down brushing his lips with my own. At first gentle and within seconds demanding. I want to forget. I want to forget. I want to forget.
We pull back. Harry gives me a questioning look. I don't give him time to speak before I'm kissing him again. My hands reaching up to unbutton his shirt. I get two buttons undone before there is a knock on the door and Matt slips through. He coughs loudly and we pull apart quickly.
"We'll be down in a minute," I tell him, my voice sounding strange. My eyes don't move from Harry's. I hear Matt leave the room; Harry and I sit there for another couple of seconds. I'm the first to move. I put the box away not trusting myself to look at Harry. I leave the room hearing Harry follow me.
We arrive at my aunt's place and she immediately starts on dinner. I sneak out to the back porch and watch as the sun makes it way down, giving off orange, pinks and reds. I pull my knees up to my chest and just sit the numbness bruising my reality again.
"Dinner's ready," I hear my aunt's voice behind me. I nod slightly.
"The funeral's tomorrow," I tell her. I know she knows this but I have to say it out loud. Aunt Cecily comes up and sits down beside me.
"I know you probably don't want to hear this but we have to go see the solicitor afterwards." I nod, part of me wondering when that would happen; the reading of the wills. "I have no idea what you're feeling at the moment but I just want you to know, and this sounds redundant, but we're there for you."
I don't say anything so Aunt Cecily gets up to move as she reaches the door I speak, not looking at her. "You miss her don't you?" I don't let her reply. "You miss her so much and you've managed to keep everything together while I'm struggling to put one foot in front of the other."
"Hermione, dear…" I don't let her finish.
"I don't know what to do." I stare out to the horizon for a second. "I just want them back so bad," my voice is barely a whisper.
"We all do, sweetie," Aunt Cecily answers. We're both still for a few seconds before I stand up to head back in.
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I walk into the church my hand firmly gripping Harry's. As I make my way to my place in the front pew I'm stopped by various relatives giving their condolences. Finally I'm allowed to slide onto the hard polished wood. I play with the string of pearls around my neck, a gift from my parents when I was named Head Girl.
The minister comes to the altar, his deep voice strangely soothing as he starts the sermon. I don't hear a word he says my eyes fixed on the two mahogany coffins sitting at in front of the altar. On the lid of each sat a bunch of white lilies.
I'm dimly aware of being pulled to my feet by Harry for the first hymn. The music washes over me and my hand tightens even more on Harry's. If I squeeze any tighter I think bones may end up broken.
We sit again and my dad's brother takes his position behind the lectin for my dad's eulogy. I always thought the only thing heartbreaking than watching a grown man cry was watching a grown man try not to cry. Before the first word leaves my uncle's mouth I'm in tears again. His words wash over a silent church and my tears begin to run faster and he tells stories from their childhood.
When he finishes we stand again for `Abide With Me', my dad's favourite hymn. The last cord echo's through the church and my mum's other sister Anna takes the floor crying openly. Words wash over me and familiar stories get told. Including mum's wedding jitters story.
The rest of the service continues around me and I feel as though someone has put me in a trance. I sit their staring at the two elegant boxes which I knew contained my parent's dead bodies. My thoughts unexpectedly morbid.
I feel everyone around me standing once again and the male members of our family move to shoulder each of the coffins. The soft strains of Amazing Grace float through the church they make their way down the aisle. I take my place directly behind the pallbearers taking Harry with me. I can't do this on my own.
The funeral procession finally arrives at the cemetery and after my aunt parks we make our way up to the graveside. I take my place up near the front and take the black umbrella offered to me, the sky looking like it was ready to open at any second. I can't resist and have a look around at everyone at the funeral. It looks like a scene out of a movie. Everyone dressed in black, the females clinging to a male while trying not to hold everything together only to have that shattered by the redness of their eyes.
My attention is snapped back when the minister begins his speech, his voice comforting.
"Humanity needs to have hope in something beyond our time and place. We must have hope. Hope is that which allows us to carry on with dignity. In this setting today, we need hope. In the midst of grief, we need a vision that goes beyond the moment."
Silent tears start to slip down my face again as the minister begins to go through the usual prayers, readings and hymns.
The next thing I know he begins the benediction and the coffins are being lowered into the ground as his voice cuts through the silence.
"The Lord bless you and keep you;
The Lord make His face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
The Lord lift up His countenance Upon you
And give you peace." Num. 6:24-26)
Silence runs threw the house and with a gentle thud we know the coffins have touched the ground. I look down at my hand in Harry's for a second, my knuckles white from my tight grip. Without a word I let go and stepping forward I throw a single white rose down after each of the coffins.
I turn back to Harry. "Let's go," I whisper. I need to get out of here. Harry nods and I let him slip an arm around my waist as we move away from the rest of my relatives paying their respects.
I still feel numb, like there is a big hole in my life but at least now I've had the chance to say goodbye. Even if I wasn't ready.