Unofficial Portkey Archive

A/N: Thanks muchly for the reviews! I really appreciate that you take the time to comment and I do take what you say to heart. This writing thing is still new to me and I'm always looking for ways to improve so let me know what you think. Thanks for reading!

Also: So many people are asking about Macnair that I'll just address it here. Macnair was being used by Voldy to test a new charm that he has developed. This charm acts kind of like a homing device and allows a wizard to follow another when they Apparate. The charm had obviously been placed on Tonks and Macnair's memory of the charm was wiped by Voldy so that he couldn't tell anyone if he was caught. I know that some memory charms can be reversed but it'll take a while to undo this one due to Voldy's power. This is information that will come into play in the sequel to this story, which I am working on along with some other things.

Chapter Ten

"Have trouble sleeping?" Harry heard Ron's voice as he opened his eyes groggily.

Harry started and sat up. "Yes…" he looked furtively beside him and was relieved to see that he was alone on the couch but then felt a pang of disappointment mingle with the relief.

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you," Ron said sitting down in one of the armchairs.

"No…that's alright," Harry said, sagging back into the sofa, rubbing the sleepiness from his eyes. "What time is it?" he asked, getting his glasses from his pocket.

"About ten…Dobby was asking what we wanted to eat for breakfast. I told him toast, eggs, and bacon. Hope that's okay."

"Sure…I better get cleaned up and dressed." Harry got up and fixed the blanket back on the couch.

"Harry, how're you feeling…how's your head?"

Harry wanted to groan. Although he was grateful that his friends cared about him, he couldn't wait `til he was no longer a point of concern although given his past, that wish seemed hopeless. He sat back down on the edge of the sofa and answered, "Better today. We'll see how it goes." Then, wanting to change the subject, Harry went on, "So, you're going to have to leave on Wednesday, did you say?"

"Yeah, Mum, Dad, Ginny and I are going to visit Charlie for a bit and Mum has some things she needs done around the house before we go. Y'know, with the twins living in Diagon Alley and Bill living in London and all…I guess I'm the hard labor guy now." Ron smiled. "I'll probably be able to come back about the same time Hermione does…" Ron's face lost some of its smile. "Will you be all right here?"

"Yeah," Harry said quickly. "Y'know with Remus here and the training…I'll be pretty busy, I guess."

Ron nodded. "That's good then."

"I hope you have a good time on your holiday…"

"Yeah, it's been awhile since we've gotten to see Charlie. Looking forward to it."

"Any news on Percy?"

"Not yet…" Ron's eyes cast down. "Maybe he'll come to his senses soon…"

"He will, don't worry, mate," Harry reached over and briefly clasped Ron's shoulder and the two friends sat in silence for a bit, each lost in their own thoughts.

~>^<~>^<~>^<~>^<~

The rest of the morning was quiet and the three mostly lay around in the drawing room. Ron was on his back on the ottoman watching the gray clouds drift across the `sky' overhead. It looked as if the clouds might get together at any moment and produce some rain. Hermione and Harry were lying on either ends of the sofa reading some of the books about Legilimency and Occlumency that Dumbledore had brought.

"Oh!" Hermione exclaimed softly as she read a passage. "Harry, let me try this…try not to block me, all right?" Hermione sat up and raised her wand.

Harry nodded and fixed his eyes on Hermione's. "Legilimens!" she said pointing her wand at him. Harry waited, bracing himself for the same awful sensation that he had felt when Snape had entered his mind but nothing happened.

"Hmm," said Hermione disappointedly. "This is harder than I expected. You're sure you weren't blocking me…" She raised an eyebrow at Harry.

He shook his head. "I wasn't ever able to block Snape with just my mind…only by performing some kind of hex or spell to injure him or stop him. He never told me how to block him using my mind-only that I had to empty my mind of thoughts and emotions. The more I read, though, I'm starting to think that instead of just emptying my mind I need to create images in my mind that I want for the person to see in order to cover up my real memories and thoughts."

"Yes, I've read something like that in these passages about Occlumency, too. I wonder why Snape didn't explain it in that way?"

"Because he's a stupid git." Ron said from the ottoman.

"Ron," Hermione said reprovingly.

"That's true enough, Hermione…he never explained anything-just kept invading my mind and making nasty comments about how weak or stupid I was when I couldn't stop him." Harry said, feeling bitterness creeping up within him but then cleared his throat. "Here let me try it on you. Maybe it'll help you understand if you feel what it's like."

"All right, Harry," Hermione fixed her brown eyes on his.

"Ready?" She nodded.

Harry lifted his wand but then put it down and said, "Wait. I don't want to hurt you-it always hurt when Snape did it."

"Harry, I've got to learn…please just go ahead."

He looked at her doubtfully and she said, "Please, I want to do this."

Harry regarded her for a long moment then acquiesced, "Well, all right. But I won't do it for very long,"

"Legilimens!" Harry said pointing his wand at her. Suddenly Harry could see her sitting at a table eating with her parents. Then he saw himself struggling in his sleep on his bed at Privet Drive. Next, a very young Hermione was playing in some waves on a sandy beach. Harry stopped and saw Hermione still sitting opposite him, her lips parted slightly in surprise. Ron was also sitting up watching.

"So what did you think?" Harry asked her.

"That wasn't what I thought it would be like…let me try again." She fixed her eyes on Harry's questioningly and he nodded. "Legilimens!" Harry felt something like warmth spread in his mind but no memories popped up as they had with Snape.

"I'm just going to have to work on this…" Hermione sounded a bit disgruntled.

"Actually, Hermione, I did feel something." Then Harry said curiously, "What did you feel when I was in your mind? Did it hurt?"

"No, it didn't hurt at all…I could just kind of feel you there and see the memories you were seeing. Why?"

"With Snape, it felt like my brain was being assaulted…it hurt and it was exhausting-well you saw me after our sessions. When you tried just a minute ago, it just felt like something warm was filling my mind."

"Well, have you ever been with Snape when he wasn't attacking you in some way?" Ron asked and lay back down to watch the light rain that was now falling but not making it more than two or three feet below the ceiling.

"Not too many times." Harry smiled wryly.

"Harry, let me try one more time," Hermione said.

He shrugged. "All right," and fixed his eyes on hers again.

"Legilimens!"

Again, Harry felt warmth spread through his head. This time, however, although Hermione wasn't going through his memories, he could sense her in his mind. He felt gentleness and…fear seeming to emanate from her.

"Wait…" Harry quickly broke the connection. "Why're you afraid-I could feel that you're scared of something…what is it?"

Harry saw her that her usually warm eyes were clouded with concern. "I-I remember how badly you felt after-you were in a lot of pain after your sessions with Snape. I know we have to learn to do this but I don't want to hurt you." Hermione almost whispered. "And you always seemed more vulnerable to Voldemort afterwards."

"You're not hurting me, Hermione…and maybe I won't be so open to Voldemort since you aren't. Let's try again."

She nodded.

"All right, really try this time-don't worry about hurting me."

"Legilimens!"

Harry felt the warmth flow back into him but didn't see any of his memories flashing through his mind. `Hermione?

`Yes, Harry?'

`What're you waiting for?'

`I don't know…this just seems so private…I don't feel comfortable with this.'

`It's all right, Hermione…here, how `bout this?' Harry let Hermione see his memories from flying in the last Quidditch match that he played in.

`Harry, stop…I'm getting dizzy…'

`Oh, sorry…let's try this one…' Harry thought a moment then recalled his memory of receiving the broom servicing kit that Hermione had sent him on his birthday almost three years ago.

`That's really lovely, Harry…thanks.'

`Okay, now I'm going to try to see some of your memories again. Let me for a bit and then practice trying to break the connection.'

`All right.'

It was like reaching out but not with your hands. Harry saw a large book opened before him/Hermione with rune symbols. Then to his surprise, he was looking at a close-up of his own face, haggard and asleep. Harry saw as Hermione tried to get out of his bed without waking him. How she'd had to work her hand out of his…

Hermione broke the connection suddenly and Harry found himself staring dumbstruck into Hermione's wide eyes.

Ron was sitting up again watching them. "Did you see anything, this time, Hermione?"

"Some…" she hedged uncomfortably.

"You had a funny smile on your face right before you stopped," Ron smirked.

"Ron," Hermione rounded on him.

"Sorry!" Ron held up his hands then he asked, "Can I see some of those books?"

"There's more in my room on the chair," Hermione said.

"Okay, be right back," Ron jogged out of the drawing room.

"Hermione…were those memories or…" Harry began quietly.

"They were memories-it's not that big a deal…we'll talk later," she finished quickly as Ron walked back in with two large volumes.

~>^<~>^<~>^<~>^<~

Later that afternoon, the three stood with Remus in the musty dining room. Tonks had been able to eat lunch with them but unfortunately she'd had to leave unexpectedly. After they had closed the door, they had moved all the furniture against one wall and Remus conjured several mats for the floor.

"All right," Remus began, "One of the most important spells to know is the shielding spell to block curses, hexes, and jinxes. Harry, I think you already know this one…care to demonstrate with me?"

Harry nodded and readied himself.

Lupin backed up and raised his wand. "Stupefy!"

"Protego!" Harry yelled and Lupin's spell rebounded and hit the wall just above Ron's shoulder.

"Aaaaagh!" Ron dropped to the floor but then stood back up shaking his head and dusting bits of plaster of his shirt.

"You alright?" Remus asked and Ron nodded. "Sorry…I forgot to say that when your opponent uses `Protego', you'd better be ready for your hex or jinx to come right back at you. Same goes if someone standing close to you uses it…be ready to get out of the way. The charm deflects the spell and it's not always possible to tell where it's going to end up. Well, now, that was good, Harry. Let's practice, then. Ron, you and Harry team up and I'll work with Hermione over here. Remember, be ready for the spells to rebound-heads up!"

"Okay, Ron, your wand moves like this," Harry demonstrated, "and you need to visualize the curse bouncing off as you say `Protego'. Ready to try?"

Ron nodded and stood ready as Harry backed up a bit and said, "I'm going to try disarming you. The second you hear me start to say anything, try the spell."

"Expelliarmus!" Harry yelled.

Ron wasn't quick enough with the incantation and his wand flew into Harry's hand. He tossed it back. "Almost…let's try again. Ready? Expelliarmus!"

"Protego!" Ron's wand bobbled in his hand but this time he just managed to hang on.

"That's it-a little faster. Try saying it before I finish saying mine," Harry encouraged. "Let's keep going-same spell. Expelliarmus!"

This time, Ron's wand stayed firmly in his hand. They practiced a few more times with success.

"Very good. I think you've got that one. Let's see if you can block some other spells. I'll try to stun you. Ready?"

"Stupefy!" Harry yelled.

Ron successfully blocked that one, too, and Harry had to duck the red jet of light that bounced back at him.

"Well done!" Harry called as Ron grinned. They practiced with several other hexes and jinxes until Ron was able to block them all. When they were done, they stopped to watch Hermione's progress. She and Remus were just finishing up with blocking the Impedimenta Curse.

"Nicely done," Remus smiled at Hermione. "From what I saw, Ron, you've got that one down, too."

Harry spoke up. "Remus, these spells are obviously helpful and they've saved my life. But the other thing that's saved my life just as much is being able to physically dodge the curses and that's the only way to survive the killing curse-it can't be blocked. Can we practice physically avoiding spells and Apparating? That's some of how Dumbledore handled Voldemort in the Atrium."

Remus looked a little surprised at this request but nodded. "You have a good point, Harry. All of you have permission to learn to Apparate so let's begin work on that today. Harry, I know you've been able to Apparate reflexively. But let's see if you can Apparate volitionally. This kind of magic is obviously something you perform with your mind only. You need to visualize the place you want to go and mentally "throw" your mind there. Hopefully, your body-all of your body-will follow. I'm not sure what I'll do if we have a splinching accident. All right, Harry, give it a go, then."

Harry stood for a moment, gathered himself mentally and focused. Suddenly he was standing directly behind Ron and grinned when he heard him say, "Where'd he go?"

Hermione snickered and pointed just over Ron's shoulder. Ron turned around quickly and found himself staring at Harry. "Blimey!" He laughed.

"Very good, Harry, I think you're quite on your way." Remus smiled. "Okay, Hermione, want to give it a try?"

Hermione nodded, closed her eyes and screwed her face up in concentration. They all waited but nothing happened. Finally, she opened one eye then the other and heaved a sigh. "I'm still right where I was, aren't I?"

"That's all right, Hermione…it usually takes a bit of practice. Keep on and try it with your eyes open. Focus on the place in the room you want to go," Remus said encouragingly. "Ron, would you like to try?"

"Okay…I remember watching what the twins did and talked about when they were practicing…" Ron said. After a few unsuccessful tries, he took a big breath and his eyes seemed to focus intensely on a point. Crack! Ron disappeared and suddenly reappeared on the other side of the room. He looked around quickly then grinned. "Hey, I did it!" He punched the air in celebration. Harry walked over and high-fived him. Hermione hung her head a bit but then managed to smile and say, "Well done, Ron."

"Yes, good, Ron! The next thing for you and Harry to learn is to Apparate to another room in this house. But before we take that on, let's see about avoiding spells without magic. Want to give it a go, Harry?" Remus asked.

Harry nodded and handed his wand to Ron. He walked onto the mats as Hermione and Ron went to stand by the wall behind Remus.

"All right, I'm going to try and stun you-let's see what you can do. Ready?" Remus held his wand at shoulder height.

"Ready."

"Stupefy!"

Harry dropped to the floor, his eyes not leaving Remus, as the red jet of light soared over his head.

"Stupefy!"

Harry rolled to the side then as the jet of light hit the floor and left a smoldering spot where he had just been. He scrambled to his feet and crouched, ready.

"Stupefy!"

Harry dove and tumbled to the side. The red jets of light came faster and faster but Harry was able to reflexively dodge them all. He never took his eyes off Remus for longer than he absolutely had to and got back to his feet whenever possible.

Finally, there was silence and shining with sweat, Harry got to his feet grinning at Remus.

Remus grinned back. Suddenly he pointed his wand at Harry once more and yelled, "Stupefy!"

Hermione gasped.

Harry dodged this last spell by dropping and rolling across the floor once again.

"Nice, Harry," Remus smiled. "It pays to always be ready."

"CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" Came a familiar gravelly voice.

Harry turned sharply to see Moody standing in the doorway, his hair wild and his face as craggy as ever. Harry hurried over to shake his hand.

"Didn't get to speak with you much last night," Moody said to Harry. "Looks like you're doing well. Did y'see how he almost never took his eyes off Remus?" He demanded gruffly of Hermione and Ron. "You can't let your guard down for a second!" Moody turned to Remus. "Could I have a word with you?"

Remus nodded and said to Harry, "Why don't you carry on with Ron and Hermione?" He and Moody walked out into the entry hall together and Remus shut the door behind them.

"All right," Harry said. "Who wants to be next?"

They practiced for a while until they were all tired and sweaty. Remus finally came back in as they were finishing up.

"Where's Moody?" Harry asked.

"He could only stay for a bit-he was meeting up with Tonks," Remus replied. So how did it go?" Remus asked.

"Pretty well," Harry answered.

Ron shook his head. "I got stunned two times and Hermione three times. We need some more practice."

"What we really need to become better at this sort of thing is to start working out," Hermione said wiping her brow.

"Work out…what do you mean?" Ron asked.

"I mean exercising and using weights to strengthen our muscles-make our bodies more flexible and have more muscle control," she replied rubbing her shoulder with her hand. "We're going to be sore from all this tomorrow…I think I'll go up and soak in the bathtub for a bit."

"The exercise idea is a good one," Harry mused. "Normally, Ron and I got at least some work-out with Quidditch but as I was off the team for most of the season, I've fallen behind in that."

"I'll see what I can do," Remus said. "Before you go and clean up, you might want to visit Buckbeak. He's been a bit lonely."

"Oh," gasped Hermione. "I forgot about him being here with everything that's happened."

"Here," said Remus, handing Harry a bag. "Why don't you give him his dinner while you're there. I've got some work I need to do. I'll be in the drawing room."

The three hurried up the stairs to Buckbeak's room. When they opened the door, a definite barnyard scent wafted out. Buckbeak stood to his feet when he saw them. They all bowed to him as it had been awhile since they had seen him. He regarded them with his orange eyes for a moment then sank into a bow. They went up to stroke his feathers.

"Hello, Buckbeak," Harry said softly. "Sorry we haven't been to see you sooner. Hungry?"

Harry poured some of the dead rats out of the bag on the floor in front of Buckbeak.

Hermione and Ron grimaced as Buckbeak began to munch them noisily.

"I think I'll go take a bath and come back later," Hermione said quickly.

"Hang on…" Harry said, his hand absentmindedly smoothing Buckbeak's feathers. "There's one thing that I talked about with Dumbledore last night that I forgot to tell you. Tomorrow, Remus and I have to go to Gringott's to hear Sirius' will. I asked if you both could come with us and Dumbledore said `yes'. So, do you want to come?"

"Sure, mate," Ron said quietly and Hermione nodded.

"Thanks," Harry said. "We're supposed to be there at ten. Maybe we could look around Diagon Alley for a bit afterwards."

"Sounds good, Harry," Hermione reached up and rubbed his arm gently. "I'm going to go and soak my muscles now. Be back in a little bit."

~>^<~>^<~>^<~>^<~

A half-hour later, Hermione found the boys in their bedroom. "Someone else's turn, then," she said.

"You took long enough," Ron said standing up. "All right if I go ahead, Harry?"

"'Course," Harry nodded as Ron gathered his clothes.

Hermione sat where Ron had been sitting on his bed and leaned back against the pillows. "Buckbeak seems to be doing all right."

Harry nodded. "Yeah, he's looking okay. I just wonder if he could ever go back to Hogwarts instead of living all cooped up here." He looked at Hermione. "Do y'think he could live in the forest or somewhere else close to Hagrid and maybe he wouldn't be recognized?"

"I don't know, Harry. It's possible…why don't you talk to Dumbledore about that. I think you're right about it not being good for him to stay here." Hermione cleared her throat and looked at Harry tentatively. "About that memory you saw earlier today…that was the morning after I woke you up from your nightmare-you know-that night after Sirius' memorial service. I guess I fell asleep after you did…I didn't mean to…"

"It's okay, Hermione," said Harry smiling slightly. "Just surprised me is all. I would hope I'd be able to remember spending the night with a girl in my bed," he joked but then felt his cheeks warm as he realized the implication of his words.

Hermione looked at her feet but not before Harry saw the pinkness in her cheeks. "Yes, well…have you had any more nightmares like those?"

"Some, but not as strong or clear as they were…it really doesn't matter anyway," he said quietly. "I still see those things when I'm awake…"

Hermione lifted her eyes to Harry's. Her heart contracted at the pain she saw. She went to sit beside him and turned her body to face him. "I thought you were doing a lot better."

"I am," he said shifting slowly around toward her, "but…I wonder when I'll have a day pass when I don't see those things…maybe it's better that I do see them-hopefully it will help me to not act rashly again."

"I hope there'll come a day when you see that what happened wasn't your fault."

"There won't," he said abruptly. "Look, I know the Death Eaters and Voldemort are ultimately responsible but I set everything in motion when I chose to go to the Ministry and drag you all along with me."

"Look, Harry, you did what you could to verify what you thought was the truth-you can't help it that Kreacher lied to you!" Hermione said heatedly. "And you didn't drag us with you- in fact, you tried to discourage us from coming."

"But you came anyway…just like you always will if you think I need help. That's why I've got to learn from this, Hermione! I'm not just responsible for myself in these situations-I've got to think of everybody's safety!"

"AARRGH!" Hermione almost roared in frustration and Harry's eyes went wide. "WHEN WILL YOU SEE THAT IT'S NOT JUST YOUR FIGHT!"

"But the prophecy said…" Harry tried to interject.

"Hang the prophecy!" Hermione said furiously. "People have been fighting Voldemort and his Death Eaters since before you were born. You know, you aren't the only one who has a stake in this. What makes you think that you are ultimately responsible for our safety in all this? Is everyone but you an idiot? Am I an idiot because I went with you-was Sirius an idiot for coming to the Ministry?"

Harry's face had gone white and his green eyes glittered with anger. "No! Of course not! But both of you were there to help me-you were there because of me. Hermione, you didn't see what I saw…still see…" his voice grew quiet.

"Then show me!" Hermione clutched his arms and locked her eyes onto his.

"No!" Harry turned his face away.

"Harry, I want to see-please, I want to understand."

Harry considered silently for a long moment. Should he let Hermione visually experience the scenes that had fueled his nightmares for weeks? What would she think as she saw him cast the Unforgivable Curse at Bellatrix Lestrange? He closed his eyes momentarily then, having made his decision, nodded slightly and turned his face back to hers.

As Hermione concentrated, Harry saw her eyes fade from view and scenes from the ministry began to play across his mind. Harry knew she was seeing everything-from the strangeness of watching herself fall after Dolohov's curse to then being carried by Neville. She saw Ron attacked in the brain room and saw all the fighting in the death room. She watched as Sirius died and then as Harry ran after Bellatrix Lestrange. Unbeknownst to Hermione, tears were coursing down her face. She saw the battle between Dumbledore and Voldemort, Voldemort possessing Harry trying to tempt Dumbledore, heard in Harry's mind his desire to die, and then as the Atrium flooded with people…and Fudge finally admitted the truth.

Harry lowered his head breaking the connection and said quietly, "All that happened because I was fooled. Everyone was there because of me…"

Hermione wiped her eyes with trembling hands. "Oh, Harry…" her voice broke and she paused for a long moment to gain control of her emotions then drew in a shaky breath. "You were there to save Sirius…think about it Harry, what if Sirius really had been there because Voldemort had lured him to the Ministry somehow-what if you had died trying to save Sirius? Would you think it was Sirius' fault? Would it be his fault that people were injured? What about when Ginny was possessed by Riddle? Was that her fault? What about when you were injured and almost died saving her? Did you blame her for that?"

Harry regarded her silently but tiny blossoms of hope were burgeoning in his mind.

"Harry, I will always be by your side to help you, but I didn't go to the Ministry that night just because of you. I wanted to help Sirius and after what Kreacher said, it looked like Sirius was in trouble. We all chose to go. Everyone who went that night wanted to help fight Voldemort…most of us have been hurt by him in some way…why do you think Neville kept trying to fight even though you tried to get him to leave and even though he couldn't do any magic because of his injury?" Hermione's eyes began to fill again. "Of course we want to help you, but there's more to it than that…you shouldn't have to carry the weight of everything…I hate to see you suffer and blame yourself!" She covered her face with her hands as her tears began to fall.

"Hermione…" Harry felt his heart swell but couldn't find any words so he slid closer and gathered her to him. "Thanks…" he whispered against her hair.

Hermione nodded and sniffed as she leaned against him.

The door swung open and Ron voice said, "Your turn, Har…what's wrong?" His voice became anxious. "Has something happened?"

Harry and Hermione pulled apart. Harry slid his glasses off and wiped his eyes to buy some time. Then he cleared his throat and said, "Nothing's wrong…we were just talking and…got a little upset, is all." He hitched up a smile. "Hermione straightened me out on a few things."

Hermione shook her head and wiped her eyes again.

Ron walked over and sat on his bed across from them. "Is there anything I can do?" he asked hesitantly.

Harry looked at Ron, realizing how lucky he was to have his friendship. "Just keep being there, mate…I need both of you…"

"I will be," Ron said simply. "You know I will…"

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