Unofficial Portkey Archive

We had been shown to our room shortly after meeting Hermione. I can unequivocally say that the girl was not herself. She sure did look pretty though. Like some kind of princess from a strange fairy tale. I could marry her and I'd become a prince. Hmmm… Prince Harry - that has a nice ring to it. On the other hand, if I didn't know better I would say that she had her brain surgically replaced with dragon poo. She didn't even recognize us. And did I hear her say 'Hermy-own-ninny'? That's what Viktor always called her. You think after a few years he would have gotten it right by now. My first guess was she had the Imperius Curse cast on her, but I couldn't prove it at this point. With the fact that she couldn't even pronounce her own name properly, it further put the spotlight onto Krum being behind the whole thing. As much as I wanted to put a hot poker in his eye, I didn't think he was the kind of guy to do something like that to her. Rest assured I will get to the bottom of all this.

Ron had changed into a pair of tan jeans and a green pullover. I was wearing my Mr. Krum-is-going-down-a-dark-well Harry outfit; one of my personal favorites. Ginny, who always refused to fit in with the rest of the world, looked particularly inviting in a skin-tight light blue and silver baby-doll with a long, swishy kind of skirt that looked like it was handmade in India. She had purposefully messed her hair up and then cast a spell to hold it that way. She might have been a lot of things, but she was always the chicest one of our little group. We did a quick wand check and decided it was time to wander around the house a bit and see what we could find out before it got any later. We were hoping with all the hustle and bustle going on for tomorrow's wedding, that we could snoop without much notice.

We made our way downstairs and sure enough there was hustle to the left and bustle to the right. So, we dove straight into the middle of it all. There were people yelling out orders and other people scrambling to follow those orders. I noticed a seriously pompous looking woman who seemed to be barking the loudest. I decided she would be the best source of information we could get our hands on. It was time for a little Harry charm to kick in and see what there was to see.

I walked up to her and did my really excellent raise one eyebrow, thrown in with a little puppy dog look, while absently brushing some stray hairs out of my eyes schtick. It was a killer combination that has worked for me every single time. This was not one of those times.

"Hi, my name is Harry. You must be the lady of the house."

"Yes and why are you bothering me?" she replied with her nose held just a tad too high in the air.

"Uhh, well, yes. I was wondering if… well…"

Ginny stepped up, "Who's Hermione's maid-of-honor?"

Was what she actually said, but knowing her like I do, I heard, "Listen you blowhard wench, I would have no problem taking this wand and shoving it right down your rich throat, if it weren't already stuffed with that silver spoon you were born with. My closest friend in the world is getting married tomorrow to your freak of a son and I was just wondering why in the hell someone besides me is the maid-of-honor? You have two seconds to explain before I have you down on this floor."

The woman looked us over and smiled an eerie, stilted sort of smile that only someone who never really smiles can do.

"Why her best friend in the whole world came down just for the occasion."

Ginny was gritting her teeth, "And which friend is that again?"

"Let me see, it's right on the tip of my tongue. Ah, yes, what a little darling. Pansy was her name I believe."

I'm not usually the kind of guy who says bad things about a woman; unless you count Umbridge, and that was no woman. I've always tried to be very respectful, because I think my own mother would have taught me that, even if I'm not feeling that way on the inside. This time was going to be an exception. I stepped back and leaned over to Ginny and very quietly whispered to her and her alone.

"The bitch is going down."

She turned her head and whispered to me, "Down? Oh no, Harry. She's not going down. I'm simply going to take a knife and cut her very slowly into finely chopped pieces and then bake them into a lovely spiced mince-meat pie and send it to her parents so they can dine on her flesh over the holidays."

I pulled away and leaned over to Ron, "I'm fairly certain that I have just soiled my pants."

Ron looked at me and replied, "Welcome to my world."

Krum's mother had already wandered off by then. So, the next thing on our plate was to find Pansy and undo the damage she had done. Then, if we still had time, I would throw Krum down a well. Not that I felt he deserved it, but for some reason I just know it would make me feel all kinds of better. However, first on my to do list was get a new pair of pants. Then, the last person on the planet I had wanted to see, walked into the room. It was Viktor. I could almost hear his echoing scream followed by a nice splash.

"Harry … uhhh … what a wonderful surprise." in his substantially thick Bulgarian accent, "Hermy-own-ninny must be so pleased you were able to make it."

Ron clenched his jaw and said, "Yes, you should have seen her. She practically threw herself on Harry. I can honestly say I can't remember when she seemed happier."

Score one for the Ron-meister.

"Yes, of course. Being as Harry is such a good 'friend'. I am sure she was quite happy he could come to her 'wedding'," Krum replied.

{sigh} Score one for Krum.

Ginny walked over next to me and put her body tightly against mine. She was pressing her breasts against my left arm.

"Women are always very happy to see Harry, Viktor. He has a 'gift' for making them satisfied… err, I mean happy."

Score one for Ginny.

"Yes, but Hermy-own-ninny already knows how satisfied I keep my women."

With that Viktor turned around and left the room. Game, set, match.

Ginny and Ron were both staring hard at me. I could feel their shock and pity. I felt the room start to spin. I suddenly wasn't feeling so well anymore. I thought that it might be rather nice to leave. I hear Bermuda is very nice this time of year. I think I'll go there. I never really liked Bulgaria very much anyway.

"I … I have to go and kill Viktor now," I said quietly, "I'll be right back."

I suddenly found my feet walking in the same direction that Krum had just taken. I pulled out my wand and could practically feel my mouth moving with any number of spells on the tip of my tongue. Then I saw a nice looking sword mounted on the wall and decided that would be a lot more personal, so I grabbed it and headed on my merry way. Ron and Ginny sprung forward and each grabbed one of my arms and held me tight.

"Harry, listen to me," Ron said, "please don't do this. Please don't kill Krum. This is not what you want to do. It will ruin your life. They'll send you to Azkaban. There's no bakeries in Azkaban, Harry! Think about it!"

Ron always knew what to say.

I turned to Ron and said, "I can't cry."

"What?"

"I can't cry. For some reason my life has turned into some kind of sick joke. I haven't been able to cry ever since I killed Voldemort. I think I'm broken."

"Keep Harry here Ron," Ginny commanded, "Don't you let him go!"

Ginny stormed out of the room with wand in hand. At first I thought she had gone after Krum, but she went upstairs. She disappeared around the corner.

"Do you think they have any cinnamon rolls here?" I asked.

"Harry, please forgive me for leaving you. It was stupid. I won't do that again, I swear," Ron said earnestly.

"It's okay I said, it was worth it to see drunk dragons singing to you," I paused for a moment, "Ron, my life is getting less funny now. What does that mean?"

"It means that all of this is almost over. Pretty soon, it will be time for us to go home, at least I hope." he answered.

Ginny practically ran down the stairs. She came right up to me and gave me a big bear hug.

"It's okay Harry. Creepy Vikky was bluffing. Nothing happened between him and Hermione."

Ron looked surprised, "How do you know that? Did you talk to Hermione?"

"Sort of," she said, "but I couldn't trust anything she was saying, so I took some slightly drastic measures to make sure."

Ron and I looked at each other. Then it suddenly dawned on me what she was saying. A very, very wicked smile started to appear on my face.

"Harry, if you finish that smile I will set you on fire."

My lips slowly went back down.

"The question is," Ron said, "is where the heck is Pansy hiding? We need to find her and find her quick."

A waiter pushing a tray of fresh baked tea biscuits went by. I stopped him and informed him there was an emergency in the kitchen and I was told to order him back down there right away. The man looked alarmed and hurried off. I almost felt bad for lying to him, but then I proceeded to stuff a baker's dozen of the biscuits into my mouth. I smiled and felt much better. Ron and Ginny came over and both of them grabbed one as well.

Ginny smiled sweetly at me and asked, "So, what's the plan?"

She did it to me again.

I thought for a moment and then answered, "We go down to the kitchens."

"Why?" Ron asked. "You still hungry?"

"Nope, you'll see. I've got a plan that would make pre-Pansy Parkinson-ed Hermione proud. It's going to be so easy it's almost ridiculous."

"Fine," Ginny announced, "but this time Ron has to be the stupid Crabbe sidekick."

I looked at her and said, "That's okay. You can be Goyle this time."

Score one for Harry.

Ginny's face scrunched up and she was about to say something back, but then she began to laugh.

"You got me fair and square," and she started walking in front of me.

I looked over at Ron and his eyes went wide.

"What?"

Ron gulped and informed me that the last time Ginny had said those words to him she pretended everything was fine; then a week later she apparated a blast-ended skrewt into his boxers... while he was still in them.

Crap.