Unofficial Portkey Archive

The three of us discovered the main kitchen; we poked around and then found the typical lower kitchen where all the house-elves usually worked. Sure enough there was a whole gaggle of them zipping around doing house-elfy type things. I cleared my throat and announced our presence.

They all stopped and looked at us. It wasn't typical in wealthy families for any actual people to come down to the lower kitchens. So, we were most likely a novelty right now. Which, I intended to use to my advantage.

"I am here to speak with all of you. To make this easier we will need a spokesperson to come forward."

The house-elves held a quick impromptu vote on the matter. The ones on the southeast end of the room had to do three or four recounts, because someone complained about dangling chads, or something to that effect. Eventually an older one stepped forward and greeted us.

"I have a direct order from Hermione," I announced boldly.

The spokesperson answered, "I will go and receive the order directly."

"No!" I exclaimed, "I mean, she is not to be disturbed as she is trying on her wedding dress. I assume you are familiar with human customs regarding this issue?"

The elves talked amongst themselves for a moment.

"We know for a fact that she is not trying on her dress right now, so we believe you are lying."

This house-elf was the most eloquent speaker among house-elves that I had ever heard. They must have cast a powerful spell on him. My guess is that he was usually the house-elf responsible for speaking with Krum's mother, who probably had a hard time understanding anyone who didn't speak fluent 'rich, white-ese'.

"You probably also know that Hermione is currently under the Imperius Curse. Knowing that, then you have to realize that she is not currently able to give you the orders that she would truly want you to follow."

They talked some more amongst themselves.

"We agree with you on this matter. However, since she is not able to speak for herself, we are at an impasse."

"Ah, that's where you're wrong," I answered, "My name is Harry Potter. I know that you would have heard of me and are aware of my very close relationship with Hermione. Who better than me would know what her true orders would be?"

The elves again whispered between one another.

"We have heard of you Mr. Potter and we agree with your argument. We will allow you to make a request on her behalf and then we'll decide if we feel it is what she would want."

"There is a young woman somewhere near here by the name of Pansy Parkinson. She will be hiding, or have transfigured herself, or perhaps drank a poly-juice potion. We need to know her exact location, so we can… help her prepare for the wedding."

The spokes-elf answered immediately, "We will help you." Apparently Pansy was not well liked down here. He then continued, "She has kidnapped the butler and taken a poly-juice potion to impersonate him. We also believe that she has placed Hermione under an Imperius Curse. When I mentioned this to the lady of the house, she… I can't continue, please forgive me…"

He reached over and grabbed a large frying pan and began to knock himself silly with it. We didn't press the issue further, we had what we needed.

"So, the strange old guy who first answered the door was Pansy," Ron blurted.

"It appears that way, doesn't it," I answered.

We thanked the house-elves and went back upstairs. Unfortunately, our shenanigans had been discovered. Krum's mother, Krum, Hermione and a host of other people were waiting for us when we got back up. They all had their wands pointed directly at us. Except for Hermione, who looked conflicted about the whole situation.

"Krum, I thought these people were my family. That's what you told me. Why are we doing this?"

Krum scowled and whispered something in her ear, which apparently pacified her for the moment.

Krum's mother gave us an ultimatum, "You will leave now, or else."

"I choose 'or else'," snapped Ginny.

I looked around the room and decided this wasn't funny at all. What happened to all the funny stuff? What's happening to me? Out of the blue, an owl flew in through an open window and landed on my shoulder. There was a letter for me. Not sure what else to do about it, so I took the letter and unrolled it. It read:

Harry,

I hate your guts. You suck. I hope you choke on your own blood. I want you to die. How dare you turn me down like that, when I invited you to go to the seventh year Yule Ball. You broke my heart and now you're going to pay for what you've done. I did everything in my power to drive Luna to kill herself, but somehow you were able to keep her alive by turning her batty instead. It was also me who got Dumbledore, Hagrid and Lupin to leave England. I originally sent them to a small island, where the people were just gearing up for some very nasty witch-hunts, but again somehow your influence changed their course and they all wound up in Bermuda and are enjoying early retirement. Then I set the plan in motion to get Ron killed. Somehow, it turned all funny and he was able to survive, and those stupid dragons even made him their king. I have no idea of how you did that, but I am through going easy on you. You can't get yourself out of this one. If you stay here, you'll die. If you leave, then by tonight Hermione will be in Viktor's bed going at it like Bulgarian bunny rabbits. I've got you and there is no way you're going to stop me from getting my revenge.

Hatefully yours,

Pansy

It all made sense now. I had completely forgotten that Pansy invited me to the ball last year. I thought it was a joke and so I just laughed at her, for a really long time. Apparently she didn't think it was so funny. She wasn't trying to screw my life up; she was trying to destroy it. Then, somehow, everything in my life turned so funny and strange. All of these unlikely scenarios played out the way they did, because my whole world turned into one big joke. The weirdness wasn't meant to hurt me, it was meant to help me. It kept everything bad that could have happened and turned it into something completely nutty. It was like someone had cast a riddikulus spell on my life. I just hoped there was enough karmic silliness left to pull me out of this fire.

"Krum, do you really love Hermione?"

"Of course, I love Hermy-own-ninny."

"Then go find your butler and cast a Confundus Charm on him."

Krum's mother suddenly looked very concerned, "Don't be silly! You stay right there Viktor. This boy is trying to play a trick."

"Am I?" I asked, "There's plenty of people with wands here to keep us in place. I don't even have my wand out. Just go and do it. Then if Hermione still wants to stay, I promise I'll leave and you will never see any of us again."

Krum looked at his mother and then at Hermione.

"Okay, I will do this, if it will mean you will leave us in peace."

Krum turned and summoned his personal house-elf and gave instructions to take him directly to the butler. They both apparated out of the room. Then we waited. I looked at the clock on the wall and watched as the seconds ticked away. Then the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me, happened.

Hermione shook her head and blinked her eyes. She looked around the room with a dazed expression on her face. Then her gaze finally fell on me and she smiled so warmly and fully, that the entire room lit up. She pushed her way through the crowd of people and ran straight at me. She jumped up and threw her arms around me and kissed my cheek and then clung to me as if her life depended on it. My knees buckled and we tumbled to the ground. I began to sob hysterically. I couldn't control myself. Hermione was crying too and she started kissing me on my forehead, my cheeks, my nose and then my lips. She lingered there for awhile and it was the sweetest most perfect moment the world has ever known. My life was normal again.

--- ---

It was some sight I can tell you. Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Luna, Neville, Draco, a pregnant Brunhilde, and myself all were coming in for a landing on a secluded beach in Bermuda. We had all decided that we would take the rest of my fortune and retire here. I had a number of nice houses built just off the beach, so we could all move in right away. As we hit the sand we all dismounted our brooms and looked around at our new home.

Coming down the beach was Lupin, Hagrid, Maxime, and Dumbledore. There were two other women coming up just behind them. I noticed that one of them had her arms around Lupin and the other was holding hands with Dumbledore. Apparently, some shenanigans of their own had been going on while we were apart.

We all hugged and laughed and caught up on all the lost time. Hagrid and Maxime had tied the knot a month ago to the day. Ginny and Hermione teared up and hugged them both. Warm fuzziness all around. We made our way to the fancy, new houses that awaited us. Apparently a few of us had made some prior arrangements before getting here, because there was a series of surprises awaiting us.

Ron and Luna had worked everything out and were holding hands as they approached their front door. Luna ran ahead and opened it and waited for Ron to poke his head in. He looked in and there was a girlish happy squeal coming from somewhere inside the house. Ron poked his head back out and stood there as if a meteor had fallen and landed right on his head.

"There's, there's, there's a… veela inside our house."

Luna giggled and said, "There's something you should know about me Ron, I'm sort of …"

She whispered something in his ear and Ron turned as red as a fire engine. He walked over to me and whispered, "Harry, there is a higher power and I have irrefutable proof of it sitting in my living room right now." With that he turned back around and dragged a giggling Luna into the house and closed the door behind him.

Ginny shook her head and just started laughing, "That'll be the last we see of Ron for a few months."

I asked Ginny whatever happened to Viktor and Pansy. She told me that she felt bad for Creepy Vikky and so she turned Pansy back into her usual self and then forced her to drink a love potion and look at Krum. Then she did the same to Viktor. The last she heard, they were both still deliriously happy with each other. She also informed me that she liked my deep, dark well idea so much that she had the house elves build one and then she promptly launched Krum's mother into it.

With that, Ginny turned and kissed Neville right on the mouth and pulled away, "You're sure you're okay with this?"

Neville blushed and nodded his head with a guilty smile, "As long as I get to be number one in your life I'm okay with it."

Ginny whispered something in his ear and it made Neville smile and blush again. He seemed pretty happy about the whole thing. Ginny, Neville, Draco, and Brunhilde all walked into a house together. Each of them looking at one another with a little something more than just friendship in their eyes. I decided I was glad that I didn't live in the house next to them. I wanted to be able to sleep every once in awhile.

Lupin, Dumbledore, and Hagrid smiled at Hermione and me and then took their loved ones into their respective houses. We smiled back and waved.

"So," Hermione smiled, "tomorrow's big homecoming beach barbeque should be really fun."

"Yeah, I think so, too."

I heard a flap of wings and turned around only to see Hedwig gracefully coming in for a landing. I held my arm out and took the letter she had brought for me. I unrolled it and smiled. It was a picture of Crabbe and Goyle. They had both lost a lot of weight and were looking pretty good. They had an announcement as well. Apparently they had heard about an opening in Las Vegas for a pair of wizards who enjoyed working with endangered big cats; that a young couple of their orientation would fit perfectly into. They applied and got the job, they were already on their way to fame and fortune.

Hermione took me by the hand and led me into our new home. We were getting married next Friday and I couldn't be happier. She looked a little impatient and hurried me into a back room that she said she had something special planned waiting for us. She lifted her wand and cast a quick change spell on herself. She was wearing a hopelessly sexy, red silk teddy and absolutely nothing else. I figured this was going to be good. She winked and then turned and opened the door. I walked in and noticed that she had the room lit up with candles. I stopped in happy amazement. There in the middle of the room was a big, soft, fluffy bed… made entirely of fresh baked cinnamon rolls.

"Want to try this thing out right now?" she asked in a sultry voice.

Did this girl know me or what?!