Apparently not hearing him, Snape and McGonagall continued to- er- do whatever they were- er- doing.
"Er-" said Dumbledore, clearly puzzled by their lack of attentiveness, "ahem."
Still, no response.
Dumbledore cast a confused glance back at Harry and Hermione, who shrugged. He turned around again, and this time rapped Snape sharply on the shoulder.
"AHEM," he practically yelled. "AHEM! AHEM!! AHEM AHEM AHEM!!!"
Still no response!
In desperation, Dumbledore turned and strode up the corridor towards the crowd. In a low whisper, he said, "On the count of three! One! Two! Three!"
"AHEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" everyone yelled, with the exception of Malfoy, who just had to yell "!@#$%^&*()!!!"
Finally, Snape and McGonagall jumped apart. Staring wildly around them, they hurriedly tried to smooth down their clothes and fix their hair.
McGonagall spotted Dumbledore and turned even paler. "Oh, Albus," she gasped. "Oh- no- it was- wasn't- fling-"
Dumbledore slowly walked down the hallway towards the couple. Snape had donned his usual surly expression, and was looking at Dumbledore how one might look at an insect.
"Headmaster," he said in a half-respectul, half-not tone, "how may I be of assistance?"
Dumbledore looked at him. "Were you aware," he asked, "that- this- has been circulating among this school for- weeks?"
Snape looked mildly concerned. "This?" he replied. "You mean - mine and Minerva's relationship?"
"Er- yes," confirmed Dumbledore. "Yes - your- relationship."
McGonagall gasped. "It was?" she exclaimed.
Snape shrugged. "Oh, big f'ing deal, Minervs," he said. "They were bound to figure out sooner or later. Why not sooner?"
Everyone stared at Snape. Out of the corner of his eye, Harry spotted a shiny beetle snaking up the wall. He envisioned the next day's Daily Prophet - "SNAPE/MCGONAGALL COUPLE DISCOVERED; SNAPE RESORTS TO PROFANITY TO TRY AND BAIL HIS WAY OUT."
"Yes, but-" Minerva sputtered, "but- all the students! Oh, and Albus!"
"Albus?" asked Snape, looking at her quizzically. "What about- Albus?"
Minerva hung her head. "Um..." she faltered, "I was- er- kinda with him? And then you came along? And then I kinda cheated on him? With an affair with you?"
Harry's eyes nearly popped out of his head. He rubbed his ears to make sure he was hearing right. McGonagall was cheating on Dumbledore with Snape?!?!
Snape's eyes were popping out, too. "You were cheating?!" he exclaimed. "But- but- I thought that was only me!"
"No... WHAT?!?!" McGonagall exclaimed. "You were cheating on me?!?!"
"No, no!" Snape exclaimed. "I mean, I was cheating on Poppy with you!"
Harry's mouth fell open. Snape was cheating on Madam Pomfrey with McGonagall?!?!
"WHAT?!?!" exclaimed a third voice, and they all turned to see Madam Pomfrey step out of the crowd.
"You were cheating on me?!" she shrieked. "I mean, even though I was cheating on you with Dumbledore, you cheated on me?!?!"
"What?!" cried Snape. "You were cheating on me with- with- Dumbledore?!?!"
Harry thought he was going to faint. Madam Pomfrey was cheating on Snape with Dumbledore?!?!
By now, McGonagall had realized what was going on, and had turned to Dumbledore in a fair fury.
"Albus Percival Wulfric Brian," she hissed, "you were cheating on me with Poppy Pomfrey?!"
Dumbledore tried to act innocent. "Uh- really?" he said. "Uh-"
"Oh, my, God," said McGonagall. "Oh, my, God."
Dumbledore offered up a feeble apology. "Sorry?"
At this point, Harry really did faint. Dumbledore was cheating on McGonagall with Madam Pomfrey?!?!
"Harry?! Harry!!" exclaimed a voice, and Harry awoke to find Hermione kneeling over him, looking worried. Everyone else was still watching the drama going on between the four staff members.
"You okay?!" exclaimed Hermione again in a worried tone. "You just kinda- keeled over!"
Harry gave her a half-smile. "Fine," he said, getting up from the floor. "Er- is this really going on? I mean- everyone's cheating on everyone, or something?"
Hermione nodded. "McGongall's cheating on Dumbledore with Snape, Snape's cheating on Pomfrey with McGonagall, Pomfrey's cheating on Snape with Dumbledore, Dumbledore's cheating on McGonagall with Pomfrey," she rattled off. She looked at Harry. "Oh. Wow."
They were interrupted by Malfoy, who told them to quit chatting and watch the scene already.
Glaring at Malfoy's back, Harry and Hermione turned to see what was happening. Madam Pomfrey seemed to be clutching Dumbledore and crying, and McGonagall was clutching Snape and crying. Dumbledore and Snape were both shouting at each other, using words nobody had ever heard either of them use in their entire lives.
Harry and Hermione stared at each other, wide-eyed. This was clearly getting out of control. Even though it was hilariously funny, it was still kinda getting outta control now.
"Uh..." Harry whispered. "Think we should go mediate?"
Hermione nodded. "Uh, yeah," she responded. "It looks like they're on the verge of Crucio-ing each other. Now would be a very good time to go mediate."
Harry grinned at her, and the two ran down the hallway towards the foursome.
"Hey, hey, stop it, stop it, stop it!!" they both yelled. Freezing in surprise, the four adults slowly turned towards the two.
"Okay," said Hermione slowly, "what's going on here?"
Snape sniffed. "I feel hardly that I should tell you impertinent little girl what's wrong," he said.
Madam Pomfrey rolled her eyes. "Impertinent, indeed," she said sarcastically. "The only thing that's 'impertinent' around here is your damn ass."
Hermione and Harry stifled a giggle as McGonagall cried out, "Severy! Miss Granger is one of my best students! You apologize to her right this instant!"
Putting on a very sullen look, Snape muttered, "Sorry, Hermione."
"That's better," crooned Professor McGonagall, resting her head on his chest. "Hi, lovey-dovey sugar-beans!"
Dumbledore rolled his eyes. "Lovey-dovey sugar-beans?" he repeated. "What's he got in there, a baby?"
"Professor Dumbledore!" exclaimed Hermione as Harry broke out into giggles. "I am scandalized!"
"Go on and be scandalized, then!" retorted Dumbledore. "God knows if I care."
Hermione's mouth fell open, and Harry, still giggling, took over the situation. "Professor Dumbledore," he said, "do you like Madam Pomfrey or Professor McGonagall?"
"Pomfrey, without a doubt!" replied Dumbledore instantly. Madam Pomfrey smiled and hugged him, and McGonagall's mouth fell open.
Without missing a beat, Harry turned to Snape. "And Professor Snape, who do you like, Professor McGonagall or Madam Pomfrey?"
"God knows why I'm answering you little twerp of a boy, but for hell's sake, McGonagall of course!" replied Snape. This time, it was McGonagall's turn to smile and hug him, and Madam Pomfrey's to stand there with her mouth open.
"SO," went on Harry, "if Dumbledore likes Pomfrey and Pomfrey likes Dumbledore, Snape likes McGonagall and McGonagall likes Snape, why don't you guys just switch partners instead of saying that you're cheating on the other?"
It was as if a lightbulb had come on in their heads. All four adults instantly turned to stare in amazement at Harry.
"Oh goodness me," whispered Dumbledore, "you are so amazingly intelligent! Goodness, I am glad I told you what the prophecy contained!"
"Ah, even though you are an immature little boy, you are still much smarter than I!" cried out Snape. "Long live your Potions homework, oh dear one!"
Harry frowned. "Jerk," he muttered, while Hermione looked on and giggled.
Pomfrey and McGonagall immediately flew at him and kissed him.
"Aack, what are you doing?!" cried Harry. "Get off, get off!!"
"Oh, I do love you, dear boy!" cried Pomfrey. "Rest assured, I shall always and forever mend your wounds and nurse you to good health!"
Thus said, she retreated to Dumbledore, while McGonagall had her share of praising Harry and offering him more homework.
"Er, so..." finished Harry, "you guys are new couples, right? Professor Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey, and Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall?"
"Indeed, indeed, dear boy," replied Dumbledore. "All thanks to you, and I'm much obliged." He smiled down at Harry and then turned to kiss his new beloved, Madam Poppy Pomfrey.
"Now then," he continued in a brisk tone, "some points need awarding. To Miss Hermione Granger and Mr. Harry Potter, for providing some much-needed counseling and excellent advice, I hereby award Gryffindor House five thousand points."
Harry's mouth fell open in shock. He literally heard Hermione's mouth do the same next to him, and farther down the hall, a number of people unmistakably fainted.
"Er- Headmaster?" he faltered. "Er- five thousand points? Er.... REALLY?!?!?!?!?!"
Dumbledore smiled and waved a hand at him. "Of course, dear boy," he replied airily. "But now, I must take my leave of you all. Poppy and I shall have to go," he said, winking at Madam Pomfrey, who giggled and blushed.
"Indeed, and we shall have to go, too," agreed Snape. He chucked McGonagall gently under the chin. "Come, my lovey-dovey pie-bird."
McGonagall giggled and made to follow him down the hallway.
"Oh, oh, just a moment!" Dumbledore called out. He looked down at all the people gathered down the hallway (nearly three-fourths of Hogwarts it was) and bade them to come closer. When everyone was in close proximity, Dumbledore continued, "I hereby proclaim today as.... Hogwarts Dating Day! Let everyone go out, date, fall in love, and be merry! Poppy and I shall go, Severus and Minerva shall go, Potter and Granger shall go, everyone shall go, date, and enjoy this day! Go where, you ask? Oh, to Hogsmeade of course, I reply! Let this day from now on be known as.... HOGWARTS DATING DAY!!!!!"
Harry and Hermione glanced at each other. Hermione giggled. They didn't know how the hell Dumbledore knew they were dating, but who cared... it was.... Hogwarts Dating Day!
"Now go out and have fun!" Dumbledore called to the crowd, and he turned and headed down the hallway with his lover. Snape and his lover also headed away.
When they were gone, all of a sudden, the whole hallway went deathly quiet. Everyone was staring at everyone else. Then, just as suddenly as it had gone quiet, it became noisy again, with everyone bursting out into laughter. Students and teachers literally rolled on the floor with the hilarity of the events which had just passed. Harry grabbed Hermione and they both sunk, laughing and kissing, to the floor in a mindless heap. Even Malfoy and his two goons, Crabbe and Goyle, were laughing helplessly, Malfoy holding on to C & G for support.
"Oh, my, God," Harry gasped. "So, so, funny...."
"I know, I know!" Hermione panted, holding on to him. "Hogwarts Dating Day...."
They both burst into laughter again, thinking of all the crazy things which had recently happened at Hogwarts.
"Oh man," laughed Harry. "This was one of the funniest periods of my life. And I've seen Malfoy bounce up and down on the floor as a ferret."
Hermione laughed again. "Oh, my God," she said. "Well, what say we leave these laughing goons here and head on up to the common room for.... well, you know what for...."
Harry perked up, and his bright green eyes sparkled mischieviously. "Of course, lovey-dovey pie-bird," he said, and the two cracked up again, "let us go at once!"
And holding on to each other, the two headed down the hallway towards the Gryffindor common room, reminiscing over a day neither of them would ever, ever forget. =)
The End
Thank you SOOOO much to all the awesome people who reviewed this story and inspired me to write more! If it weren't for you guys, this story would've stopped after the first chappie. Much thanks!