Dedications: To my own fictional character! (Wow, I've lost it!)
Torin: Seeing how much of your story I have yet to piece together scared me back to the safe, uncomplicated realm of fanfiction.
Chapter 7: Her Story Unfolds
Because of their short discussion on Sirius's implications about their true intentions for going to Lily's hotel, the walk to a trolley and the ride on said trolley passed in silence. The only reminder Lily had of his presence while she thought was the warm flesh of his palm pressed against hers. Their hands separated when they approached the hotel's front doors and Lily held one open for him. She ascended the staircase first, leading the way, and he took up the rear, eyes darting over the animated wallpaper as he walked.
They entered her room and she locked the door, rotating to see him facing her. She leaned her back against the door as her legs began to tremble and shake; a panic attack approached.
"Lily?" came his concerned voice. "Are you...all right?"
She shook her head roughly and sank into a sitting position, burying her face within the protective loop created by her arms when they encircled her knees. James knelt down in front of her and laid his hand near her shoulder blades.
"What's the matter? Do you feel sick?"
Lily's clothing muffled her no.
"What is it, then? I can't help unless you tell me what's bothering you."
"You," she cried, but the clothing again distorted her speech and he didn't hear her.
"Pardon?"
Wearily, she lifted her head and stared him in the eyes. "You," she repeated in a whisper.
He was taken aback. "Me? What have I done?"
"Nothing," she replied, shaking her head. She rubbed her fingers roughly over her forehead, trying to calm her throbbing head. "But you'll...understand when I finish my story."
"I want to understand now," he said firmly. "I want to understand why you're reacting like this."
"You will, James," she promised; her heart beat steadied finally. "Just let me tell the story."
The tone of her voice carried finality. James, though firstly curious about her reaction, nodded his head, satisfied that he would find out in due time; at least his original issue, the one that had bothered him for many long months, was going to be cleared up at last.
"Do you remember the night the last Quidditch match of the season was canceled? The night it hailed?"
"Yeah," he said nostalgically. "We were so close to the Cup; we only needed to take down the Slytherins." He'd done part of the job for her.
"Funny you should mention them," quavered Lily, "the Slytherins."
James frowned. Lily allowed a small chunk of time to pass before she continued; before she defied her Headmaster's wishes. But had he really placed his command permanently? He hadn't even made Lily promise not to tell James--only Sirius and Remus. Somehow telling him, though, despite this fact, seemed wrong. Professor Dumbledore had obviously not wanted the two boys to reveal the happenings of the December night, so why wouldn't this apply to Lily herself, as well? She went over the situation again, briefly.
Maybe he hadn't prohibited her from telling James because he wanted Lily to be the one who told him.
"Why?" asked James awkwardly. "What do Slytherins have to do with this?"
"Remember dinner that night?" she questioned. She took a steady route to the subject.
"Didn't we eat together?"
"We did," she confirmed. "And do you recall what happened during dinner?" Lily felt like an interrogator on a crime show.
"Besides food eating?" he joked. Her face remained impassive and he grew solemn. "No...not off the top of my head...."
"Malfoy came to our table," she reminded him. "He made a rude comment."
"And?" he asked impatiently after a pause. "Where are you going with this?"
His impatience both annoyed her and made her nervous. She felt that the seriousness of the story had been established and he had no right to be impatient with her. Then she wondered if maybe she wasn't approaching the subject correctly. She didn't want to catapult him in and overwhelm him with emotion, but his comment made her think she was moving too slowly.
"Well, he made a nasty comment about me," she said rapidly, but slowed her next words when she remembered what subject she was rushing to, "and you defended me. You basically called Narcissa harlot and told him that I was more pure of body than she...oh, James!" she cried. "Can't you see where this is going?"
James's brow furrowed; he seemed to be trying to decipher the hidden meaning of her words. "I've got nothing, Lily. You'll have to explain. I'm completely at a loss."
Lily had feared this would happen. She'd only wanted to tell so much of the story, hoping that he would catch on and she'd collapse, sobbing, into his arms to be comforted. Why was this so much harder to explain to him than she'd expected?
"His girlfriend was cheating on him, James," said Lily desperately, imploring him to understand with as little explanation on her part as possible. "You pointed this out to him and you alluded to me being a virgin. Don't you think that would anger him?"
"What's your point?" he cried. "I don't understand what you're trying to tell me!"
Her old annoyance at him flared. "How could you not? James, I've done everything I possibly could to explain it to you without saying it outright!" Like on the morning her parents died, she was feeling sudden mood changes. Moments ago everything had been fine--friendly. Why did she have to get angry with him so easily?
"Say it, Lily," he snapped. "Stop beating around the bloody bush and say it!"
She slowed her breathing before speaking; his outburst had startled her.
"He...defiled me," she whispered so softly he scarcely heard. "You told him that I was a virgin, more pure than his own girlfriend, --you taunted him--so he made sure I wasn't so...so pure anymore."
The words came without tears, without a quaver. She told him unflinchingly of her experience, eye to eye. Now that the words were said, she waited anxiously, bracing herself for his reaction.
His expression was, at first, shocked and furious. He clenched his fists and breathed heavily, thoughts charging wildly through his head.
"Wha...." he heaved, staring at her with wide, lost, hurt, confused eyes. "Wh...." he tried again, but lacked words. He buried his face in the sanctuary of his palms, massaging--though more squeezing--his temples. Lily offered a hand for his shoulder, but he brushed it away on impact.
She wanted so much to comfort him. She wanted to tell him she cared for him; and that she was getting over the rape; and how much she wished there was a way to go back and fix it all. She hated that he was angry with her still about Hogsmeade. She hated that she hadn't had the courage to speak to him afterward, to apologize for their misunderstanding, and to clear things up between them. Their meeting wasn't what she had imagined or wanted at all. She wanted for him to be so excited, so elated to see her that the whole of their unpleasant seventh year drifted away into the background where it would remain while they began a new, pleasant relationship together. She hadn't wanted him to appear after she screamed at a stranger about a daughter that mislead him into their scream-fests that probably awoke half of Sierre. Why couldn't she have a romance novel-esque love? Didn't she deserve one, after all she'd been through?
Her thoughts of love, rape, and James scurried into far away corners of her mind as loud knocks sounded on the wood of the door behind her.
"Who's there?" called James hoarsely.
"It's Sirius," came the answer. Lily stood, unlocked and opened the door for their friend.
As soon as a sufficient space opened in the doorway, Dinah darted inside and clung to Lily's waist, burying her face inside of her jacket.
Lily looked at Sirius. "You're back so early. What happened? Is she all right?" She bent to inspect the child.
"I'm all right," said Dinah.
"Why aren't you out enjoying Sierre with Sirius, then?" asked Lily, raising an eyebrow.
Dinah whispered into her ear, "James."
"What about him?" Lily whispered back. Sirius walked past the girls to James, who had moved to the bed since the arrival of the others.
"I thought he might try to hurt you," replied the child, concerned. "I didn't want you to be alone with him."
"Dinah," groaned Lily, annoyed at the intrusion now, "James is a good guy. He would never hurt me." However, the child's concern was touching.
"Are you sure?" said Dinah dubiously.
"Yes," said Lily, exasperated. "Very. You don't have to worry."
"Were you kissing him?" asked Dinah accusingly.
"No," she snapped. "We were talking about something very important! Why did you have to--" she finished her sentence with a growl and clamped her hand to her forehead.
Dinah stared guiltily at the carpet. Sirius walked back over to them, sensing the conflict, and set a hand on Lily's shoulder.
"Sorry about arriving early," he said earnestly. "Dinah wouldn't change her mind. She was so worried that something bad was going to happen to you, Lily. I just wanted to show her you were okay....I know you and James were in the middle of something."
His expression and tone were serious. He made no sexual implications whatsoever; James must have told him what he'd just found out.
"It's all right," said Lily. "I'm just glad Dinah's back safely." She smiled at her in hopes of letting her know she'd overreacted before.
"You're not mad anymore?" she asked.
"No," Lily answered and held out her arms for the child. Relieved, she embraced Lily, who carried her to the bed where James sat in a flood of thought.
"Lily?" he said quietly, turning his head in her direction. She moved to sit beside him.
"Yes?"
James struggled for words. "He didn't...didn't...fully...did he....?"
Lily looked to Sirius for assistance; she didn't quite understand what he was trying to ask. Sirius only mouthed, "Think." It took only a few moments for his meaning to become clear.
"Yes, James," she whispered as the kitten, whom Lily hadn't even noticed enter the room, leaped onto the bed to join them. Dinah scooped him up for cuddling.
"I"--he gathered chunks of the comforter in his fists--"I'm going to...to...." He couldn't come up with a dreadful enough act of revenge.
"Trust me, mate," said Sirius gently, "he's been properly punished. You think Remus and I would leave Lily unavenged?"
"You knew?" croaked James incredulously. "You knew all along?"
"Remus and I were the ones who got the bastard off of her," said Sirius defensively. "Of course I knew."
James rose from the bed in rage, his wand directed at Sirius. "You knew and you kept it from me for so long?" he shouted. Sirius seemed unaffected by the threat of James's wand.
"James, put your wand away!" ordered Lily. Dinah backed against the headboard of the bed, shielding her pet.
Sirius replied, "Dumbledore's orders. He made us swear not to tell. Now put that away before you jab someone's eye out."
"How did Dumbledore find out about it?" He kept his wand in place.
Lily, who didn't feet at all comfortable being in range of spell, marched up to him, snatched his wand from him and tossed it to the floor.
"If you calm down, we'll tell you everything."
"Calm down?" he parroted incredulously. "My--you were...raped! How in the world am I supposed to calm down?"
She cupped his cheek, which surprised away some of his fury. "Please, James, sit down. Just take a few deep breaths and prepare for the rest of my story. You're not going to enjoy it at all, and it'll probably leave you more angry than you are now, but you need to hear it."
The urgency of her words sat him on the floor where he crossed his legs. She sat beside him.
"Try not to make comments until I finish," she requested. "I don't want to veer off track and have to repeat myself. Reliving that night is painful enough."
He nodded, accepting her terms.
Her full tale unraveled. She spoke of her attempt to return to the Gryffindor Common Room and how Malfoy had attacked her from behind a tapestry long before she'd reached the seventh floor. She spoke of the way he'd thrown her into the nearest empty classroom and ordered her to be silent. She spoke of the names he'd called her and the threats he'd scared her with. She spoke of the way his hands assumed ownership of her body and how she'd had to lie there and take it. She spoke of the next order he'd given her, to take off her clothes, and the humiliation she'd undergone as she fulfilled his order while he watched, his lingering wand the only thing forcing her to comply. She spoke of the rough way he'd entered her and how she'd cried out in pain at her bleeding wound. She then spoke of seeing Nearly Headless Nick and her relief at the prospect of rescue; also a relief was nearing the end of her story.
Sirius took over at this point, relieving Lily of her obvious distress, and told James of how Nick had found him and Remus and they'd rushed with the ghost to the classroom, unlocked the door, and kicked Malfoy away from Lily just in time. He filled him in on every detail of the happenings of that night, including his throttling of Malfoy, Dumbledore appearing, and visiting Lily in the Hospital Wing.
By the time they finished the story, everyone in the room felt exhausted. The boys, especially James as the information was new to him, were in no condition to rent a room of their own, so Lily permitted them to share hers and Dinah's for the night, provided they transfigured their own cots away from the girls' bed. This they agreed to and while Sirius was setting up his and James's cots, the latter stayed on Lily's side of the room for a talk.
"I...don't know what to say," he whispered. "I don't know how to react, how to comfort you, how to pay Malfoy back...."
"James"--she turned his head with her forefinger to face her--"he's been paid back. Sirius and Remus did it twice, Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall did it, the law did it...."
"The law?" he choked. "Are you telling me the law did ill to a Malfoy?"
"There was too much evidence, James," said Lily. "He had no way of getting off. Besides, Dumbledore went to court with me; how could I have lost?"
They remained silent for a minute or two. Lily held his hand and stroked his palm with her thumb while he thought, hoping to give him a small amount of comfort. Suddenly the silence was over and his hand rested on her shoulder.
"You're...you're...all right, aren't you?" he asked, giving her the same lost, overwhelmed and confused look he'd given earlier. "I mean, it doesn't still...you're getting better?"
She covered the hand on her shoulder with her own; the affectionate gesture took him by surprise.
"I'm getting there, James."
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