Unofficial Portkey Archive

Luna's Loony Articles

Adopt an Alpaca

Luna Lovegood

Today's article shall tell you why you must adopt an alpaca, and save a lot of money on your car insurance. You see in 1345, alpacas were the main source of transportation in the high mountains of Death Valley. Oh, I mean Himalayas, sorry. Alpacas were quite the off-road vehicle back then. So, I ask, why not now? They have tons of hair, fur, fluff, etc. Therefore, they will make one darn good sweater on those cold summer nights. They have an amazing ½ mile an hour mileage, in addition to no gas required. Well, except for hay.

Also, they are environmentally helpful. Car exhaust equals holes in the ozone. Alpaca exhaust equals more fertilizer for carrot farmers. Alpaca insurance is much less than car insurance, as no one has ever invented alpaca insurance. So when they break a leg, you splint their leg with a branch, put them in you cart, and pull the cart yourself. See, they are even a great workout for you Fatkins diet freaks.

Another reason for you to buy an alpaca is that then you won't have to listen to rap songs on the radio. You can listen to horseflies when you drive an alpaca. Horseflies are much more educational than rap songs, because if you listen closely, they aren't saying "Yeah, yeah, yeah," all the time. They are saying "Ve vant to suck vour vood." At least, that is what I believe horseflies say. They always seem Bulgarian, like Victor Krum… can't properly talk anyway. Ants, on the other hand, are quite different. They all say, "Should we get the watermelon or the hotdog?" and act a bit like Ronald… always thinking about food.

Horses, dogs, and cats are all quite diverse. The patient school horse says, "Now, today kiddies, we are going to learn how to say out of my mouth. And how to not hit me in the back when you sit your fat rears on me. Got that?" The wilder, more advanced, stubborn horse says, "Get off of my back! And into my game! Get out of my way! And out of my brain!"

The golden retriever says, "Dude, there were awesome vibes today coming from like the ocean. Awesome times for like surfing." The poodle, who is much more dignified, says, "Oh my Gawd! Bob totally flirted with me today. I was like, 'Oh my gawd. I so totally didn't wear my pink shirt today.' What on earth will I do? Oh my gawd."

Cats (and half-kneazles) are quite the opposite of dogs. Some describe them as obnoxious, but I think that they are just royalty. The more refined cats, or aristocats, talk like this: "Darling, that is simply marvelous. I simply adore your petty notions of trying to get the high social status that I hold. However, you are human, and are destined to be beneath me, serving me until the end of your days. Now pet, please continue with my daily grooming spa." The more forceful mousers are rather blunt. "Shut up and hand over the catnip, and nobody gets hurt. And while you're at it, pet me or face the wrath of the streaking-claws-across-your-precious-furless-face."

Here is where I would put the paragraph about what alpacas say, but that is pointless, as they don't seem to think about anything but the next meal. Now that I ponder that, it seems rather like immature males. I might do an article on the relations of alpacas and immature males. Let's see…

So, as you see, immature males are toned down alpacas. Therefore, that means that car insurance must cost less when you make them pull a cart. That is why you should buy an alpaca.