Chapter 4
Harry turned the corner and the sight that greeted him was the paper puppies that were pointing him in the right direction. It was the day after his first group therapy, and Harry was very curious on how his declaration of suicide would go over. After his friends exclamations about Harry's stupidity on announcing his suicidal tendencies, Harry had been nervous, wondering what Steve was going to do to him.
Harry paused for a second, his mind reeling at what he called Peter and Alex. They were his friends. This thought spread through Harry, giving hope that he dared not have before. It was a comforting thought to have friends in this place, and although he hadn't known Peter and Alex that long, he still counted them as friends. Maybe he could survive this place, just maybe.
After this revelation, Harry continued on his merry way, arriving at the office he had visited a few days before. Shirley immediately recognized him, and waved him off to a chair to wait. She bent back over her computer to finish typing a sentence, before straightening up to smile at Harry, who was sitting in one of the closer chairs.
"So, how has your first week here been going?" Shirley asked in an almost annoyingly cheery tone.
"Oh, it wasn't too bad," Harry responded vaguely.
"Are you making some friends?" Shirley continued on perkily.
Harry nodded. "Yeah, I think I am."
"Well, that's great news."
Shirley couldn't continue the conversation, as Steve walked into the room looking at Harry with a large smile on his face. "Nice to see you, Harry. Do you want to follow me back to my office?" Steve asked, not really expecting an answer.
Harry nodded and pulled himself out of the chair, waving goodbye to Shirley, wishing he could just stay out here, finishing his conversation. Patty waved back, turning to go back to her email.
When they arrived at the office, Steve made a motion for him to choose his seat. Once again Harry had the overwhelming urge to pick the bean bag chair, but chose the leather chairs instead.
Steve plopped down across him, notepad on his lap, poised and ready to write. "So I hear you told your therapy group all about your life," Steve commented, obviously wanting to steer the conversation into a certain direction.
Harry nodded reluctantly, not really knowing if he was going to be admonished for telling such a fanciful tale or merely laughed at for believing something so crazy.
Steve's response was neither. He instead smiled at Harry and asked, "would you mind telling me that story?"
Harry's mind paused as he considered Steven's tone, which was kind and curious. That disarmed Harry as he had a preconceived notion that psychiatrists would be cold and nosy, not really taking any heed to their patients personal boundaries. This stereotype did not seem to apply to Steve. Harry mulled this over for a brief moment, before deciding that he should just tell Steve everything as well. It's not like he had anything left to lose.
"It all started 16 years ago when my parents were killed by an evil wizard named Voldemort, and I had to go live with my Aunt and Uncle, and let's just say I didn't have a lot in common with them." Harry smiled ruefully at the memory of his childhood with the Dursleys. Letting his mind fall back to those times, Harry's story just seem to flow out of him, anxious to be free of it. When he had finally concluded with his last encounter with Voldemort, 30 minutes had passed and Harry felt drained. He stared expectantly at Steve, wondering what Steve was thinking. Probably, this is the craziest one yet. Harry laughed on the inside at the thought.
Steve gazed at Harry for a moment, as if measuring him up, before speaking. "Wow, you have led quite a life."
Harry didn't know what to say to that because not only was that an obvious statement, but Steve wasn't contradicting his story. Trying to play it on the safe side, Harry decided to not say anything, and just see where Steve was going with this.
Steve sensed Harry being unsure about the situation, so he took the lead. "Well, my first concern is your suicidal thoughts. Let's talk about that first."
"I'm not suicidal," Harry replied indignantly.
"You intend to harm yourself in a way that would lead to your death, that's suicidal."
"But, I'm..." Harry trailed off, realizing that Steve had a point.
"May I ask, how are you going to kill yourself once you are finished with Voldemort. Do you point your want at yourself and say this killing curse you were talking about earlier?" Seve questioned curiously, not trying to sound as if he was making light of the situation.
Harry sat in silence for a few minutes, pondering this question. "I don't know exactly. I never really thought much about what would happen if I killed Voldemort. I mean I had a vague awareness that I would need to die, and I was fine with that decision. I just never thought of the logistics as to how I would go through with it."
"You just readily accepted the fact that you would die? I mean you would be leaving so many people behind. How could you be so okay with the decision?"
"I don't know," Harry started thoughtfully. "I guess in the back of my mind I always knew that this war with Voldemort would claim my life."
"Why is that? Do you think you don't deserve to live after everything you have done?"
"What do you mean?" Harry asked, very confused. "I have done everything in my life for other people. Why would I think that I don't deserve a happy ending? Shouldn't it be the opposite?"
Steve shook his head slowly. "Not necessarily. Many heroes, save the world not so they can live in the world they saved, but so future generations could enjoy it. Not to mention, you have done some terrible things to get to Voldemort. You have killed..."
Harry had to interrupt at this point. "I did it to save lives. They were Death Eaters. They would have killed me if I didn't," Harry spat out angrily.
Steve softened his voice, saying, "I know. I am not here to debate the decision of killing them. What I am concerned about is you. I mean, killing somebody, no matter if they deserved it or not, must feel horrible."
Harry's throat started to tighten as Steve was hitting on a point that kept him up at nights. He remembered his first kill. It had been Bellatrix Lestrage. She had been guarding one of the Horcruxes. Once he saw her, he all of a sudden became very angry. Seeing her just standing there, a look of detachment and calm on her face was more than he could take. This was the person that had killed his Godfather, her own cousin, without a second thought. This was the person that tortured a Neville's parents until they were crazy. No matter how much he searched her eyes, there was no remorse there. She just didn't care and before he could even think it through, while the anger was still coursing through his veins, red splotches in his vision, he shouted the killing curse, and her body crumpled to the ground. Her face was frozen in a look of surprise, not even in her wildest dreams could she imagine Harry having the guts to kill somebody. Harry had just stood there for what seemed hours, watching the blood slowly drain from her skin, her body never moving.
He had caused that, and for some reason it had struck him that his was somebodies daughter. She was someone's sister. This was Draco's Aunt. Somehow putting such human labels to her, made him realize the seriousness of the situation. She was dead. Dead. She was never going to take another breath because of something he knowingly and willingly decided to do.
Once he realized this, Harry threw up, whiling choking out sobs. He had literally curled himself into a ball and started crying. He vaguely remembered Hermione reach him first, wrapping her arms around him. Ron had gone off to retrieve the Horcrux, before they apparated out of there to the safe house.
"Harry?" Steve was leaning towards him with a concerned look on his face.
As Harry pulled himself from his memories to the present, he felt the cool lines down his cheeks where tears left their marks. Harry raised his eyes to meets Steve's probing eyes.
"I've killed. What does that make me? Am I really any better than Voldemort?"
"That's not really something we can decide. What we have to do is come to terms with our decisions and live with the consequences. Then in the future we can call on these past experiences and decide what to do from there."
Harry nodded, taking in Steve's words, trying to decide if Steven's lecture sounded like truth. It kind of did. It actually reminded Harry of a speech Dumbledore would have given Harry. "I think I understand."
"Okay, good. We are almost out of time, so I want you to continue this by writing in your journal. I want you to write about that incidence you were thinking about and I want you to discuss the consequences, how you feel about your decisions now, and how this may affect your future decisions."
"I think I can do that. But, is anybody going to be reading what I write. I mean am I going to be turning this in to you?" Harry asked.
"No, these type of assignments are for your own benefit. If you don't do them, that's fine. However, there is a method to my madness, and I don't want you to just practice your penmanship. I give you these assignments to help you grow."
"Ok, I get it. Also, there is something else I want to ask. Am I going to be on suicide watch?" Harry spoke quickly, unable to keep the worry from his voice.
Steve gave him another one of his penetrating stares before saying, "I don't think so. I am going to put in your file that you are at mild risk, but I don't think you are any risk while you are here and as to being out there...well we can't do anything about that," Steve drifted off for a moment lost in his own thoughts before being brought back. "Well tomorrow is visitors day, then Sunday is quiet day. So, the next time I will see you is Monday."
Harry took this as his cue to rise from his chair and head toward toward the door. Hand on the knob, he turned to look at Steve who was staring at him with a look of pity, which he quickly tried to mask. Needing to clarify, to put Steve's mind at rest, Harry told Steve, "I'm not going to kill myself here, it's only after I find Voldemort and kill him."
"But, what if you can't get him?" Steve couldn't help asking.
Harry didn't hesitate before responding, "oh, I will get him. I have no doubt about that."
A/N- A couple things. I am so sorry about the long wait. I was writing a Battlestar story which I just recently finished, and I have decided to go ahead and just try to chug along on this story. My thoughts have been muddled on what to do with this story, whether to make it longer or shorter. I think I have got that straightened out some. I have another chapter and a half written, but they need to be edited still so it may be a little bit before I get them out. The only thing that will put another pause on this story is my other story ideas. We will just have to say.
Also, I got a comment about Steve not being that realistic. I understand, but it's kind of meld of a psychiatrist I have seen and my counselor. So, in my mind it is realistic, I'm sorry if it comes off as fake or unnatural.
I'm also sorry for Hermione not being in this chapter, but she is FOR SURE in the next chapter. I have her already written in. So, that will be happy day.
Sorry for the long Authors Note, I just thought I needed to explain. One way or the other I will finish this story eventually. My obsessive compulsive nature won't let me just leave a story without an ending, just the time it takes is up in the air.
Please Review, it makes my day!
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