Chapter 6
Harry walked back into the room and flopped down on his bed, lying flat as to stare at the ceiling. It was 5:30 and Hermione just left.
"How was your visit?" Peter asked, not looking up from his notebook that he was writing in.
"It was good."
"Well, Alex came by 15 minutes ago, wanting to go to dinner. I told him you had a visitor and he said we should just come by when you got back, so we could get food together."
"Sounds good," Harry replied cheerfully as he got back out of the bed.
Peter concentrated for a moment, hurriedly finishing up his sentence. Jabbing the paper, he finished off his sentence. He looked up at Harry and grinned getting out of bed. They both headed out of their room, taking a right and going down a few doors to an open one. Alex was sitting on his bed, listening to music on a portable cd player. The music could be heard by Peter and Harry because Alex was blasting the music so loud on his head phones. Alex didn't notice them as he was playing an invisible guitar and singing, "Foget about the dirty looks, for photographs your boyfriend took, you say you read me like a book, but the pages are all torn and frayed. I'm okay, I'm okay now, but you really need to listen to me because I'm telling you the truth, I mean it, I'm okay, trust me, I'm not okay, I'm not okay, I mean it, I'm not o-fucking-kay." By this time, Alex stood up, and was heading banging to the music.
Doubled over, Harry and Peter laughed at Alex's enthusiasm in singing the song. When the song ended, Alex straightened and opened his eyes. When he saw Peter and Harry chuckling, Alex face broke out in a grin. He took off the headphones, tossing them on his table where his cd player was sitting.
Alex didn't seem bothered by Harry and Peter's continual laugher. "What can I say? Everybody needs to
rock out now and again, not to mention that song is my life's theme song."
Harry looked at Alex skeptically. "Theme song?"
"Yeah, haven't you ever thought if there could be only one song that described your life, what it would be?"
Peter responded, "I have. My song would be Eat It by Weird Al."
Alex laughed. "Nice choice, very fitting."
"Well, I've don't listen to a lot of music."
"Are you kidding?" Alex's face was wide eyed and shocked.
"No, I have never really had the time to just listen to music."
Alex closed his eyes, as if trying to calm himself. "Well, what I'm going to do is let you have my cd player and I'm going to loan you some of my mix cds. Thus, we are going to start your music education."
"But aren't you going to need your player?"
Alex waved him off as he handed Harry his player. "I have two extra sets. I never want to be without music. I'm even saving up for a mp3 player." He then turned to started flipping through a binder of cds, picking a cd and stacking them every now and again.
"Wow," Harry replied looking at the growing pile of cds that Alex was picking out.
Harry and Peter just gave each other sidelong glances as Alex muttered to himself, going through his music collection. After a few minutes Alex stood up up holding a stack of about 20 cds in hand. He handed them to Harry.
"Um, thank you," Harry said hesitantly.
"Now, that is just to start out. Once we find what your personal tastes are we can narrow it down. Those are mainly just general mixes that I make. I like a lot of different types of music so that is going to be a decent representations of a lot of different genres."
"That's good," Harry muttered.
Alex didn't seem to register Harry's uncertainty, as they exited the room and headed to Harry and Peter's room to deposit the cds and player on Harry's bed before heading off the dinner.
They walked down the hallway in silence, amiably walking at a slow pace. They went through the lines and got their food and sat down at an empty table. Peter was the last to join them as he took an extra minute to go through the other line to check out with the woman with the eating disorder list.
Once he plopped down his tray next to Harry's, he didn't waste anytime before speaking. "So, Harry, who was your visitor?"
Alex looked up from poking his food, his face being transformed from showing disgust to curiosity. "Yes, who did you get to visit you?"
"My friend, Hermione."
Alex raised his eyebrows. "Hermione, as in one third of the infamous trio?"
"That would be her," Harry replied, not giving the conversation his full attention as he was examining his food, trying to decide what it was.
"Is she going to be the girl the hero gets at the end of the story?" Alex asked coyly.
Harry looked confused. "What do you mean?"
Alex sighed, impatiently. "You know at the end of any decent adventure story, the hero is rewarded with the girl of his dreams. Weren't you seeing some sort of girl towards the end of the story. Not that Cho girl, but the other one."
Harry blushed. "First, no, the girl you are thinking about is Ginny. Second, if Hermione heard you talking about her as a reward...as if an object, she would hex you into next year."
Peter laughed. "A feminist, huh?"
"You could say that."
"What about this Ginny then?" Alex continued, wanting to know all the details on Harry's love life.
"What about her?" Harry didn't know where to begin.
"Sexy?" Alex grinned.
"You could say that. She is very strong and capable," Harry hesitated, not really able to find words to describe Ginny.
"Capable? Sounds like you are describing a student. Who cares if they are capable, unless it's about sex. Are you talking about sex?"
Harry coughed, as his drink went down the wrong tube. His face was a brilliant red. "Um, no that's not what I was talking about."
"Then you haven't had sex with her? You have been dating for a while haven't you?" Peter obviously had been listening to Harry's story a little more closely than Alex.
"Not for that long. A few months. Then I left. We kind of put the relationship on hold while I was away."
Peter nodded sensibly. "That's probably the right thing to do."
"Like hell it is," Alex scoffed. "She could have at least gave you something to remember her by for those long months a part."
"It's not like that."
"What? Your relationship isn't sexual?"
"Well, that and I don't know if she is the one I'm meant to be with."
"You're seventeen. You are not supposed to know who you are supposed to be with yet. It's all about playing the field. And sex can be with people other than your soul mate, unless you are religious. Are you religious?" Alex wondered, not really sure what to make of Harry.
"No, it's not that. It's just, I just know that I am not meant to be with Ginny. There is no question in my mind. I have a feeling there is somebody else out there that is waiting for me. I felt that it would be unfair to make more out of the relationship with Ginny. I felt safe and content with her, but I want to feel more. I guess putting the relationship on pause was more of my way of putting an end to it. I guess it's a mute point anyways. I'm not going to survive much longer to figure all of these things out."
Alex shook his head at this. "Now, I am just confused. Then why not have sex with her? Your story is full of inconsistencies. You are talking about somebody who is out there to make you happy, then a couple sentences later talking about killing yourself. Dude, it just doesn't make sense."
Harry laughed. "Yeah, I guess it doesn't."
"Oh, yeah, I've been meaning to ask you. Are you on suicide watch? What did your counselor say?" Peter asked hurriedly.
"I'm not going to be watched. They are putting a note in my file, but other than that they aren't doing nothing. Steve said that he doesn't think I am going to kill myself while I'm here, and when I get out in the real world, there is nothing really they can do."
"Damn straight," Alex announced laying his fork down on his tray.
Peter rolled his eyes. "Well, that' good news for the present. Are we ready to head back to our rooms?"
Harry nodded and leaned back to stretch his arms. "Yeah, I guess. I need to write in my journal."
"Yeah, I should do some more writing before bed," Peter added.
Alex snorted. "You two do that?"
"I thought I would give it a shot," Harry replied, honestly.
"If it helps me get better, than I am all for it," said Peter.
Alex stood up, picking up his tray. "I want to get out of here, but I am not stooping to their level of therapy."
Peter and Harry followed him as they picked up their trays. Peter went off to check out with the lady, before returning quickly to deposit his tray with the rest of theirs on conveyor belt leading to the kitchen.
As they started walking back to the room, Peter picked up the conversation where they had left off. "Then how do you expect to get better?"
"By convincing them that I will never touch drugs again," Alex answered matter of factly.
Peter shrugged. "Well, as long as you have a plan."
"Damn straight," Alex replied, enthusiastically.
The trio split up once they reached Peter and Harry's room, saying their good-byes until tomorrow. Harry walked into the room, and went straight to his bed to lay on it. He saw the cds and cd player on his bed and decided to put off writing in his journal a little while to listen to some music. He piled the cds onto his nightstand and took the top one off the stack and looked at the title. In scraggly handwriting, the words 'Sad Mix' were written on the the cd in permanent marker. Written in minute handwriting around the edge of the cd were track listings. Harry decided, that would be a good place to start and so he popped the cd in the player and pressed play. He pulled the headphones onto his head, laying back in his bed and closing his eyes to focus on the music.
He went went through numerous tracks that were indeed sad. He listened to very slow and sad version of the famous song Hallelujah. Then there was a song that kept talking about Angels leading people in. To where? Harry didn't quite understand. He listened to The Beatles as they sang Let It Be. Even Harry, who was relatively uneducated in music recognized this song.
Harry's full attention wasn't captivated until one song in particular came on. He was instantly intrigued by the first few guitar notes on the song. When the smooth male voice came on, Harry forgot his surroundings as he lost himself in the song. While at first quiet and unassuming, as the song pushed further it was pulled into a louder rock section. Harry was captivated by it's simple lyrics and had to listen to it again to grasp it's full meaning. This was his song.
Harry opened the cd player to look at the cd again and find out what the song was called. He squinted at the tiny print, before finding track 8, Somewhere a Clock is Ticking by Snow Patrol. Harry closed the cd top again, and flipped back to the song to listen to it once again, recognizing it as his song.
I've got this feeling that there's something that I missed
(I could do most anything to you...)
Don't you breathe
Something happened, that I never understood
You can't leave
Every second, dripping off my fingertips
Wage your war
Another soldier, says he's not afraid to die
Well I am scared
In slow motion, the blast is beautiful
Doors slam shut
A clock is ticking, but it's hidden far away
Safe and sound
As the the song finished up, Harry's thoughts were joggled loose as he finally felt like he could write about him killing Bellatrix. Putting that song on repeat, he picked up his notebook and pencil and started to scribble away, finally able to put words to his thoughts.
I killed. That is the hardest sentences I have ever written in my life, and it is only two words, seven letters, two syllables. Yet, I can't seem to come to terms with the meaning behind those simple words. Somebody is dead because of me, and there is nothing I can do to change it.
I remember the moment it dawned on me, that I had killed. It had been a few minutes after the fact when I realized that this person was an aunt, a sister, and a daughter.
'What had I done?' I remember thinking. I remember for a few minutes, trying to distinguish whether or not she had deserved to die. After all, my parents hadn't deserved to die, but they were killed anyways, for the sake of a cause. What made me and my cause any different? After many reassurances from my friends I did come to term with the fact that I killed somebody.
However, this wasn't the hardest obstacle to over come. What still haunts me to this day is my lack of remorse on killing. I feel like I should feel worse. And because I don't feel bad, I have so many doubts on whether I am that different from Voldemort. If I have no serious qualms of killing, then it seems I have lost the humanity within me, which is losing what distinguishes myself from Voldemort.
As for the consequences of my action, there have been none. Except for the fact that I have been having a moral crisis and Voldemort has one less henchman.
However, in the future, I feel in my gut that I shouldn't kill these people. By killing needlessly, I will be stooping to Voldemort's level. If I go on killing without pause, I will end up like Voldemort, and that is not what I want. I need to fight in a way that I can live with. A way that allows me to sleep at night. And although I may not feel as much remorse about this one killing as I should, I know I would feel bad for future deaths. It's not how I want to live my life.
With that, Harry closed the notebook and put it on the nightstand. He stood up and went to his dresser to pull out a pair of pajamas. He closed the door, before quickly changing. He got back into bed and turned the light off that was screwed to the wall over his bed.
"Goodnight Peter," Harry said softly, stealing a glance at Peter who was back to drawing on his notebook.
"'Night Harry," Peter replied, not looking up from the his picture.
Harry smiled, laying back onto the bed. He pulled the headphones back on, giving his song a listen to once more before he went to sleep.
A/N Well, I wanted do a little more with Peter and Alex, so there it is. I am big on music being able to describe how you feel, better than words can sometimes. And I am constantly giving my life a theme song, so that is where that kind of came from. The songs that were mentioned are as follow. Alex's song was I'm Not Okay (I Promise) by My Chemical Romance. The songs on the 'Sad Mix' were Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley, Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World, then obviously Let It Be by The Beatles and Somewhere a Clock is Ticking by Snow Patrol. I high recommend all of those songs, especially that last one. It is a brilliant song and I think it really is a theme song for what Harry has to go through. The music is amazing. Give it a go.
Well, as always, reviews are appreciated and thank you for all of the great reviews I have gotten. I love them!
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