Chapter 7
"What do you want to talk about today, Harry?" Steve asked nicely, leaning back in a lime, green bean bag chair.
Harry rubbed the fabric of his own tye-dye chair, feeling the beans between his fingers. He finally opted to take the bean bag chairs and he was happy for that. They were very comfortable, although a little noisy whenever he decided to reposition himself in the slightest way. "I didn't know I could choose what we talked about."
Steve smiled. "We always have a choice."
Harry didn't know if that was exactly true, but he didn't feel like saying anything. "I don't really care what we talk about."
Steve nodded. "Fair enough. Well, first I just wanted to know if you did the assignment that I asked you to do? I'm not going to be mad if you didn't. I just want to know how easy it was, if you did it, that is."
"I did it. It was actually really hard to do. I mean, I could see what I wanted to write, so easily in my head. It was so vivid. But, I just wasn't able to put it down into words."
"What changed?"
"This song actually. I was listening to some music that Alex had wanted me to listen to, so I could find a theme song for me."
"Theme song?" Steve chuckled.
"Yeah, Alex said that there are songs that just describe what you are going through, and they become your theme songs. I didn't really know what he was talking about, but when I was listening to this cd, I stumbled across this song that was my theme song. I knew exactly what Alex meant once I heard the song."
"And the song helped you to write?"
"It was just like once I heard the song, the words just came to me. I was just able to write it all down."
"That's good. Never underestimate the therapeutic value of music," Steve told Harry, while picking up his yellow legal pad that had been sitting on his lap.
"I guess so," Harry replied, eying the notepad. "I was just wondering, what do you write on that?"
Steve didn't hesitate before answering, "just notes about you, sometimes for your file, sometimes to remind myself of some things."
"Huh?"
"Well, sometimes you may say something, and I want to remind myself to ask you something, or to bring up a new topic. For the most part, it's to keep my mind clear so I can focus on what you are saying. It's hard to council somebody, when you have million thoughts going through your head at once. Do you understand?"
Harry nodded slowly. "Yeah, I think so."
"Good," Steve said happily. "Ok, so I had a couple ideas of some topics for today, and I thought we could start out with maybe talking about your friends. I remember you talking about Ron and Hermione. I am assuming they are your closest friends?"
"Yup, they are my best friends."
"Great, let's start off with Hermione. I heard that she came and visited you on Saturday."
"You heard?" Harry raised his eyebrows, smiling.
Steve laughed. "You caught me. I checked the visitor log."
"Very subtle," Harry muttered, as he leaned further back into the bean bag chair.
"So, tell me about her?"
Harry tilted his head back and stared up at the ceiling, lost in thought for a few minutes. Once again, he could picture Hermione so vividly in his mind, every little detail in place from her frizzy hair, to the golden fleck in her left eye. But, what were the words for her?
Harry took a deep breath and just dove in. "Well, she's smart."
Steve nodded, motioning for Harry to continue.
"And she's stubborn. When she thinks she is right, which is more often than not, she will stick to her guns and not step down. In most people, this comes off as arrogant, but with her...it's just...good. I mean, she is right most of the time, and she doesn't want to step down, not because she hates being wrong, although that is true, but because she doesn't want anybody to get hurt or anything bad to happen."
"Sounds like she has a good soul."
"She does. And she is loyal. She has never left my side. She is always looking out for me, when nobody else is. I can't even count how many times I would have died or gotten hurt if it weren't for her."
"Wow, that's a good friend," Steve whispered.
"I always felt that she was too good of a friend for me. I have been so impatient with her sometimes, and I would fight with her, when all she wants is to keep me safe. Then I think of all the times I have put her in danger, sometimes I feel like my heart stops. How could I do that to her? She should be off with normal friends, having a peaceful life. The next thing I know, I have convinced myself that I should run away or tell her to go away."
"I don't think that would work with her. It's her choice to stand by you, and it sounds like she wouldn't have it any other way."
Harry smiled, "of course it wouldn't work. She would just get angry with me for being so self-deprecating and to get over it. And that makes me glad. I never have admitted it to anybody, but there is a part of me that is is so happy that she won't leave me. I know it's selfish, but I can't imagine my life without her. I know it just wouldn't be a life worth living. Not that it matters, I would probably be dead without her."
"There is nothing selfish about wanting your friends to stay by your side. That is what your friends are there for. I imagine you would do the same thing for her."
"And more," Harry added emphatically as he stared out the window at the few trees that were blowing on the blustery autumn day.
"Do you love her?" Steve asked softly.
"Yes," Harry responded before even thinking about what to say. He snapped his face back to Steve who was scribbling something down on the paper in front of him. "I love her as a friend."
Steve looked up at Harry, studying his face. "There are no romantic feelings at all?"
Harry thought about it, searching his feelings. "Not really no, she's dating Ron."
Steve nodded, accepting this. "What about Ron? We have talked a lot about Hermione, but let's talk about Ron."
A sudden sadness overwhelmed Harry. He looked away from Steve and stared back out the window.
"What's wrong Harry?"
"It's just, I don't know where Ron is or how he is doing. Hermione said he went out to do some mission, and she doesn't know what it is, or anything about how he is doing."
"I see. So you are worried about him?"
"Yeah I am. You know, he was the first friend I ever had?"
"Really?"
"Yeah, he was the first person to just be my friend. Although we had our differences, which I guess is to be expected from being friends so long, but he was so much fun to hang out with. He would never let me get too serious."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, while the weight of the world was on my shoulders and I was worried about some new evil or another, he would always be there cracking a joke, making sure I laughed every now and again. He knew how serious everything was, but he thought that was no reason to be completely overwhelmed by the seriousness of it all."
"He was wise then. You can't let the bad things control your life. You have to keep living."
"He made sure I did that, keep living."
"So tell me more about him?"
Harry hesitated, still feeling the sadness that came from talking about Ron. He could be anywhere. He could be dead. There would be no way of knowing. And maybe if Ron was with him, Ron would be safer. Harry would help prevent anything bad from happening to Ron.
"Harry?"
Harry snapped his head back down, glancing at Steve.
"I was losing you again. Is it too hard to talk about Ron?"
Harry swallowed, noticing how difficult this simple task was. He nodded, not making a sound.
Steve gave a quick once over, before moving on quickly. "That's alright. Let's see. There was something earlier that I made note of. You seemed hesitant to believe me when I said that a person always has a choice."
Harry considered Steve's words for a second. "I don't know. The whole idea of having a choice, seems
idealistic to me."
"What do you mean?" Steve narrowed his eyes in thoughtful contemplation.
"It just seems that I don't have a choice. I feel like I was destined for my life, and there is nothing I can do about it."
"Are you sure about that? Couldn't you have run away? You could have hid from the world in on some remote island in Caribbean."
"No I couldn't have," Harry stated firmly.
"Why?"
"Because, people would have died."
"People have already died," Steve stated softly.
Harry looked around the room frantically, feeling like the walls were closing in on him. "More people would have died."
Steve shook his head. "You can't stop death. You can't carry that responsibility."
"I don't," Harry gasped.
"Then why do you blame yourself for people's deaths?"
Harry's breath was ragged as he clutched his knees, trying to fold himself into as small as space as possible. "Because, it is my fault. If it weren't for me, Sirius would be alive, so would Dumbledore, and my parents, and Ron." Harry stopped suddenly, thinking about what he said.
Steve leaned forward quickly. "Ron? Is Ron dead?"
Harry closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. "No, I feel like he is on this really dangerous mission and I'm not there to help him. I am worried that he is going to die, and if he does I can add him to the list of people that would still be alive if I had never been born."
"Ok, let's just for a moment indulge your self-centered notion that you are the cause for all of those people's deaths. What good does it really do to wallow in this self-deprecating manner. Hermione wouldn't want that."
Harry smiled meekly. "That is true. She doesn't like it when I start thinking these thoughts."
Steve nodded, speaking softly. "She has got a good reason. No good comes of it. You just have to let it go. Those were out of your control."
"But, I thought you said we always have a choice."
"So I did. You do have a choice. But, sometimes no matter what choice is chosen, the outcome is the same."
Harry shook his head. "Now, I think you are making stuff up."
Steve laughed loudly. "Maybe, I am. You never know."
Harry chuckled. "That means I can't believe anything you say."
"You should always question any advice you are given, even mine."
"I can do that."
"Good. Well, that's pretty much all the time we have today. I feel like we have talked about some really important stuff and made some real headway in your case."
"That's good, I guess," Harry replied hesitantly.
"Now, I have a conference to go to for the next few days and I won't be back until Saturday, so I'm sorry I will have to cancel our sessions for the week."
"Okay," Harry said, standing up out of the bean bag chair, which was considerably awkward. He walked over and opened the door. At the last minute he turned around and said, "I guess I will see you next Monday."
"See you next Monday," Steve called out, still sitting in his bean bag chair.
Harry closed the door behind him and looked down the hallway, taking a deep breath. He felt exhausted. Something kept nagging at him during the whole session, but he still didn't know what it was. Harry shook his head and let out another deep breath, letting the nagging feeling fall away from him. He stepped down the hallway, determined to enjoy the rest of his day.
A/N-So here is another chapter. Right now, tentatively, I have two to three more chapters to go. It just all depends. I am definitely going to wind down the story soon. Once again, don't worry about absences, I will finish the story. I am determined. I love the ending I have planned for the story. I hope you enjoyed, and please read and review. I love to hear what you liked and what you didn't like. The only way to improve is to know what does and doesn't work. But, please be constructive. Thanks for all the support. I really appreciate it.
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