Dedications: Here I go again.
My Muse- She obviously wanted this written.
Chapter 1: John and Lily
(8:39 p.m. 238 Lorillard Avenue. Godric's Hollow.)
Lily Evans plopped down on her bed after a long day of chasing her small son, Harry, around the house. He had just learned to crawl, and was quite fast for an 11-month-old. Lily had, at first, encouraged his new skill by playing "hide-and-seek" with him, but the child seemed to like that game too much. She had lost him for thirty or so minutes, until he finally peeked his scruffy black head around the corner, grinning at his mother. Relieved, she had bathed him, fed him, and put him to bed.
Now she was tired. John was due to work late tonight and wouldn't be home for the next hour or so. She forced herself to get out of bed and change into her pajamas; she didn't want to have to do much moving when John got home. All she wanted was to be cuddled. Clad in her pajamas, she slipped back into bed and wrapped herself in the comforter, imagining it was John that was holding her. She made a little moaning sound and snuggled into the comforter. The wave of sleep was hitting her about now, and she'd be freshly rested for when John came home.
`Maybe we'll watch a movie later. Or…something like that. James is always ready for--'
Her eyes shot open and she suddenly felt very cold. James. Why had she thought about him? John, she corrected herself mentally. John. Even though no one was around, Lily felt extremely embarrassed. This had happened many times before. She had even called out James's name when--well, that's not important, is it? What's important is that she needed to push the name `James Potter' as far out of her mind as she could get it.
She glanced over at the baby monitor on her bedside table. No noise was coming from it. She sighed, and at the same time grew very sad.
`He hadn't wanted him.'
Lily thought back to the argument she and James had had a couple days before she and Harry left. Lily had been feeding Harry--they had just got back from the hospital a few hours before--and James was looking at him nervously. Lily had asked him what the matter was, and he said, very seriously, that he wasn't sure if he was ready to be a father yet.
Lily closed her eyes, trying to remember everything from that night, down to the floral comforter that she'd put on their bed.
"Well, you should have said something before you got me pregnant," she jibed lightly. James chuckled nervously.
"Lil, I'm serious." He looked down at the baby. "He's…he's so tiny. What if…I hurt him by mistake, or something?"
She put a hand on his arm comfortingly. "I'm sure you'll do fine."
"What if I don't? I don't know the first thing about taking care of babies! This is the first one I've ever been around."
"You've got to start some time," she pointed out. "We're stuck with him for the next eighteen years." She smiled down at Harry.
"I--I'm only eighteen myself," he said tensely. "I'm too young."
"That's not what you said for the past nine months!" said Lily, growing annoyed; Harry could sense this and started fussing. "Shh," she soothed. Once he quieted down, she looked back up at James. "Do you remember what you kept telling me during my pregnancy?" James grew silent, choosing to stare at the floor rather than his wife. "I do. `You don't have to be scared, Lily! I'll be there! I'm going to help you with the baby! You don't have to worry about quitting your job, or giving up college, your hopes and dreams, because I'll be there. I know what to do!'"
James's cheeks reddened. "I…I didn't say that last bit."
Lily glared at him. "That's what I interpreted."
"Well, you definitely interpreted wrong," said James bluntly. "I don't know how to take care of a baby."
"There's really not much to it," Lily said, "You feed him, change him, bathe him, and play with him. It just takes some getting used to."
"What if I don't get used to it?"
"You know, you're giving me the impression that you don't want this baby."
"I never--"
"You're not dedicated at all. You're complaining more than you're helping."
James looked from Lily to Harry. He was done eating now and Lily had him cuddled against her. She was rocking him slightly in her arms and he kept opening and closing his little eyes, seemingly trying to decided whether or not he wanted to sleep. Did he really want to be weighted down with a child? He thought.
`I'm only eighteen. I don't want a child. But I do want Lily. She wanted him. The whole time she wanted him. I don't want to settle down so soon! We're barely out of school and we have a baby already. She was right. I don't want him.'
James looked at Lily once more, trying to find the right way to express to her what he was both feeling and thinking, when it just came out, so bluntly, rough, and harshly.
"Maybe I don't want him."
He instantly felt like an ass, because the moment Lily comprehended what he said, she looked extremely hurt. He could see the tears welling up in her eyes. Without another word, she gathered Harry in her arms and walked from the room, ignoring James's call of, "Lily, I--that's not what I meant!"
She had spent the rest of the night on the couch with Harry sleeping beside her in his bassinet.
Wet, hot tears brought Lily out of her reverie. She wiped them away, sniffling, and felt an ache in her chest. She brought her knees up to her and laid her head down, a choked sob emitting from her.
`I miss him.'
And John knew this. He knew that Lily wasn't truly happy, that she had been sort of scarred by James's refusal of Harry. But he tried his best to heal her heart. Lily felt better when she thought of him. John. He didn't mind that she had a baby, or that she hadn't been a virgin when they'd met, and he still loved her. And he loved Harry, whom he had known from the time he was two weeks old.
`James cared. He didn't want our baby. Why am I crying over him?'
`Because you still love him,' said a voice inside of her head. `He was your first love. You'll always miss him.'
"Oh, bugger off," she said, annoyed at the voice.
"Fine," a voice from the doorway said, sounding facetiously hurt, "I'll just go talk to Harry."
"John!" she said, excited, hopping off of the bed and over to him, hugging him in welcome. "You're early."
He smiled into her hair. "Yeah. They let us out forty minutes early." John worked at the Ministry of Magic, where Lily had worked when they met. He worked in the Apparation Test Center. Same as she had.
"Why?" she asked, still clinging to him as he tried to set his briefcase down.
"Lily, off!" he said, not really annoyed with her. She let go. "Because the last kid didn't show up for his test."
She laughed. "It's funny. You calling him a kid when we're not much older ourselves."
It was true; Lily and John were both only nineteen. Though he was a few months older than she was.
He shrugged. "That doesn't matter. We have forty extra minutes." He grinned, and she crossed her arms over her chest in a challenging manner, giving him an odd grin.
"Forty extra minutes for what, John?" she teased. He pulled her toward him and nuzzled her neck, giving it a light nip with his mouth. Lily giggled.
"Oh. For that." She grinned at him. One thing Lily was glad for was the fact that John and James looked almost nothing alike. It made certain things easier. James had shorter, straight, black hair, glasses, and a clear complexion, while John was more like Lily with long, curly hair (Although it was brown rather than red, and not halfway down his back. Just an inch or so past his ears.), a face full of freckles, and good vision.
And sex with John was much different than sex with James. Lily didn't know exactly how to explain it. She guessed that it was how they had each approached it. James…shall we say, rushed things a bit, while John was slower, and seemed to like to savor each moment they were together. Lily had to admit that she preferred John. First love or not, James had not put much thought into what Lily wanted in a relationship.
Another reason she was with John.
(9.30 p.m. 238 Lorillard Avenue. Godric's Hollow.)
Snug and warm in John's arms, Lily grinned and snuggled closer to him. He kissed her neck, blowing softly on the freckled skin, which sent shivers up her spine. Lily moaned.
"Oh? You like that?" John teased, making to pin Lily down on the bed, part of their little `game'.
He leaned down to kiss her, but was interrupted by the cries of a small baby. Lily groaned, but this time, it wasn't out of pleasure.
"Way to ruin the moment, Harry," she grumbled, and John moved from off of her. She slipped her robe on overtop of her undergarments, which was all she managed to get on before John had pulled her back on the bed for cuddling, and stepped from the room, down the hallway, and into the nursery.
Harry had pulled himself onto his feet and was grasping the railing, a sad look on his face. Lily instantly forgot her annoyance at the sight of him. He flailed his arms out toward her, falling down onto his bottom in the process.
His mother giggled and picked him up. "You're not strong enough to stand yet, are you, Harry?" she asked him. He made a gurgling noise in response.
"What do you want, eh?" she asked. "Are you hungry? Wet?" She checked. Clean. "Do you want your bottle, Harry?"
The sound he responded with suggested a `no'. Lily raised an eyebrow. "Then why did you interrupt daddy and me? Hmm?" He laughed.
"What's so funny?" she teased him, tickling his chubby stomach, encouraged by his shrill giggling.
"Oi," came a voice from the doorway, "what's all the noise?" Harry stopped giggling immediately and watched his father cross the room. When he reached Lily and Harry, he smiled at him, letting up his mock annoyed expression.
"Da!" Harry burbled at John, reaching for him. He obliged him and lifted him from his mother's arms, making funny faces at him, to which Harry responded by grabbing his nose.
"Oi!" he said, his voice distorted, "let go!" Harry giggled, but obeyed. "Silly," said John, tickling him. Harry laid against his chest and closed his eyes.
"Oh. You wanted daddy," said Lily, sounding slightly hurt. John put an arm around her and kissed her cheek.
"He just wanted to cuddle."
"With you."
"So…?"
Lily smiled. "I was just teasing. Are we bringing him back to our room?"
"Sure looks that way," he commented, looking down at Harry, who was watching his parents out of one eye; he shut it as soon as he saw that John noticed. Lily and he both giggled.
"My little man," she said fondly, rumpling his hair. "So much like your father."
At these words, the adults exchanged glances and went silently with Harry to their room.
: : :
Okay, I think I will start ending my chapters with three colons, since the site won't let me use the asterisks like I used to.
So…what do you all think? Do you like John? Hate James? I want feedback! -wink-
Megan
-->