Dedications: Bwahaha. It's like the song that never ends, people.
My subconscious: I had this wonderful dream that contributed to my trilogy! Yay! I wondered what I was going to use Gwendolyn for….
Chapter 7: Healing
(9:19 a.m. 238 Lorillard Avenue. Godric's Hollow.)
`I knew it had been a mistake,' thought John, `I never should have suggested it. Lily might not have wanted to…My sadness could have been a pressuring factor…And now we might be stuck with a child. God I hope it's James's…'
John had just received a visit from Lily. He had been very surprised to see her, and in the moment he'd looked through the window on the door, his hopes had been very high that she was back for good. But the nervous smile on her face didn't do much to assure him that this was why she was here.
"Hello, John," she had said with a soft smile, "I told you I'd be back at the end of the week."
"Are you staying with James?" His question had been brusque and he was sure his tone had been unpleasant, but he didn't want to dance around the issue.
"Well, erm, yes, actually," she said, averting her eyes to the welcome mat on the doorstep. "But there's something I need to tell you. It's very important."
"What is it?"
And that was when John received the biggest shock of his life. Bigger than the time he'd knocked both of his front teeth out when he was four, bigger than the time he'd failed his history exam, and much bigger than when he'd been promoted at work.
Because he might be a father. A real one--not just Harry's substitute. Which is how he had looked back at his daddy role during the past week.
There was only one problem; he could never handle this by himself. All his life, when he thought about children he imagined a wife being there with him. But if it was his baby, Lily would be over at Maple Oak and not here with him. Which is where she should be if it's his baby.
But what about Harry and James? Wasn't she in the right place, if his theory meant anything? She's with James. But what would happen if she had two children from two different men? They couldn't very well all live together. Polygamy is horribly wrong.
But Lily didn't want polygamy; she wanted James. And she had told this--a bit less bluntly--to him.
She had used the famous, "I love you, I'm just not in love with you" line. But unlike when you hear it in the movies, John could tell that this was indeed the case.
He knew that James had taken her heart first, and he knew that she had really only started a relationship with him because she had been feeling betrayed and hurt at the time, and he knew that he would never be permanently with her.
Then why did he feel so sad? So empty?
Because he was in love with her, despite her friendly feelings. But there was no way he could have asked her to give up her happiness for him. It hurt him to know that she cried during the day and that she practically lived out of old photo albums and it hurt to know that she cried herself to sleep when he was away.
It made him feel like he wasn't doing his job as her boyfriend well enough, although he knew this wasn't the case. Lily assured him--honestly--that he was not the problem.
The problem was that she and James had royally screwed things up before and she--if not him as well--was suffering from the rather harsh consequences.
So that was why he set up Lily and James's week together. To give her a chance to mend her old relationship--the relationship she desperately wanted back.
And to give her a chance to be happy again.
- - -
"I am not happy, James!" groused Lily as she walked back into the living room for the third time that day. James scooted farther down the couch to give her room to sit. He looked sideways at her and saw that her cheeks looked quite pale; she'd thrown up again.
"During my first pregnancy, I had no morning sickness at all! Now I've got it three times a day! I am going to kill whichever one of you did this to me."
James chuckled. "Never mess with a pregnant lady."
Lily smiled and snuggled against his shoulder. "That's right."
They lay cuddled together for a few minutes without talking, just enjoying the silence of the house as their son slept.
"James?" asked Lily, lifting her head up so she could face him. "Will you still love me if it's John's baby?"
"Of course I will," he said and gave her a hug. She wrapped her arms tightly around his middle and nuzzled his flannel shirt. "Did you think I'd exile you, or something?"
"I--I don't know. I just feel horrible."
"Horrible? Why? Are you sick again?"
"No, not that kind of horrible," she said brusquely, "For…for not knowing. I feel like some sort of whore."
"Oh, Lily." He held her tight and rocked her gently in his embrace. "You are not. You were with John that night."
Lily paused for a moment. "So do you want it to be yours?"
"Of course I do!" he said, "I don't want John's…er…in your…I hope it's mine."
Lily laughed. "I knew you'd say that."
"Well, if I were a woman would you want some other man to get me pregnant?"
"It depends," Lily contemplated, the ends of her mouth twitching slightly, "Would I be a man? Or still me? I'm not a lesbian, you know."
He glared at her. "You know what I mean."
With a giggle, Lily said, "Sorry, sorry. I was teasing. No, those other men better stay away from my Jamie!" She grabbed his arm possessively for emphasis.
"Now do you see? To me, you're mine. You've been mine for a long time, and other men should know that. So no touching." He accented the last two words with pokes to her shoulder and smiled at her.
"But we weren't together then, so I don't know if I qualified as `yours'," Lily pointed out.
James frowned. "Yeah, I guess so," he said glumly. Lily put her arm around his shoulders and pulled him close so she could kiss his cheek.
"Don't look so glum. I'm here now. And I'm not going to leave again."
"Good," he said with a satisfied smile. "I never wanted you to in the first place. I cried for you for nearly three months every single night. My bed was very cold without you."
"Oh?" Lily raised her eyebrows. "You're telling me you weren't with any other girls while we were apart?"
"Yes."
"You swear?"
"I do."
"On your life?"
"Yes, Lily. On my life."
"On Harry's life? Because yours may not be important to you. You never know."
"Yes, Lily! On my life, on Harry's--on yours! On the Queen of bloody England's life, I swear that I stayed faithful to you!"
Lily snickered. "You've always got to bring the queen in, eh?"
James grinned. "Mum always said to respect the queen." They stayed silent for another few minutes until Lily asked,
"Why didn't you stop me? If you didn't want me to go?"
"I--I--" he faltered, looking tearful, "I didn't know if you wanted to be stopped. I thought that if I did, you'd say no. And yell. And I don't like being rejected or yelled at."
"So you were willing to give up your wife and child over a phobia?" she asked, looking disgusted.
"No, it's…I…I don't know why I didn't stop you, all right?" He took his hand off from around her and folded them in his lap. Then he looked sideways at her.
"Why didn't you stay?" He looked down at the floor and began to slowly shake his head in disappointment. "I was stupid Lily. Very stupid. I didn't mean any of it. Why couldn't we have talked?"
Lily wiped her eyes and looked back at him. "Because you really hurt me, James." Her voice shook with suppressed emotion. "All those months of assuring me that you were ready, and assuring me that you knew what to do, and that you'd be there for me…."
"And I was there for you!" His voice rose slightly. "I would have been no matter what, but you ran off and bought some apartment in Hogsmeade the minute something went wrong!"
Lily stood up and stared down at him with eyes that shone in indignance. "You had plenty of time to fix things! All you had to do was tell me that you needed to talk to me! There was no reason it couldn't have been worked out!"
"I had problems of my own to think about!" James was standing up too; they were face to face and practically yelling at each other. "I spent those three days thinking about Harry! And about you! And at the end of them I knew that I was ready! But then you said that you were leaving for sure. I never got to tell you anything I'd figured out! I just had to sit in the dining room and morn. Because I knew I'd lost you two," he sat back down on the couch and rested his forehead in his palms. Lily sat down beside him and rubbed his back.
"You could have said something. There was plenty of time even on that night I left. I could have backed out of the deal and stayed here."
"When was there time?" he whispered. "You took Harry and you were out of here just like that." His eyes were watering; Lily could tell. The tears shimmered just beyond his silver-rimmed glasses.
"When I was walking out, perhaps," she suggested in mock contemplation. Her own eyes were watering now. "That was the longest bloody walk to a door I've ever taken." She laughed and a tear slipped from her eye.
James wrapped his arms around her and held her the tightest she could ever remember being held. It wasn't tight in a constricting way, but more in a loving way. An "I'll never let you go" sort of way. All through her body she felt warmth. In his arms she was safe from anything in the world that wanted to harm her.
And in his arms, she cried with him for the first time in her life.
- - -
(9:47 a.m. 238 Lorillard Avenue. Godric's Hollow.)
Lily had gone to a small, local park to meet up with John. Their earlier discussion didn't really cover much of what they needed to, and, as had been the case with James, Lily needed at least two times to get things totally sorted out. She was laying on her back on top of a picnic table, propped up on her elbows. No one was around the park to yell at her for doing so, either; the only other person there was a jogger, and she looked like she could care less about her surroundings.
Lily leaned her head back and let her hair blow in the gentle breeze. She hadn't felt this happy in long time. Or so free. And sure of herself. Which was surprising due to the fact that she was pregnant and retching up nearly every meal because of her morning sickness. And, in a rant, she had pointed out to James that three in the afternoon was most certainly not morning, and that someone had better rename the damned pregnancy symptom.
Although after a bit of flipping through one of their old pregnancy books, James found a nice spell to help Lily keep her food down, and she was feeling much better that day. Her happy mood might also be a result of her and James's chat the other night. They both realized where they went wrong and pointed out their mistakes. They also decided not to talk about it anymore, that it was in the past, and they were starting anew.
Lily lay back on the table and folded her arms behind her head. She was tired. She hadn't gotten much sleep last night because Harry kept waking her up, wanting to be fed. He was having his own bit of sickness lately and hadn't had much of an appetite. Until last night.
She sighed and closed her eyes. "And I'll have to go through the same thing with this one," she mumbled.
"Talking to yourself, eh?" asked an amused voice from behind her. Lily sat up with a jolt and felt her cheeks go red. John took a seat on the picnic bench and smiled at her.
"I didn't hear you coming," she said. No reply; John was staring off into the distance, seemingly pondering something. Lily looked down at the wooden surface of the picnic table. Why did she feel so nervous around him? She felt like she couldn't really talk to him anymore. It was so different from when they'd lived together. But come to think of it, she only talked to him about serious things at the beginning of their friendship. She told him all about James and her pregnancy, their relationship, why they broke up, confided feelings and thoughts to him, and none of it had been awkward. Now he seemed like a stranger. And she was starting to feel uncomfortable around him.
"I guess you'll need to have your stuff moved to your new house, right?" he asked tonelessly as he looked up at her.
"Yeah," At his silent nod and quick stare to the ground, she cocked her head sideways and said, "Are you all right? You don't look so good. Have you been getting sleep?"
He shook his head. "Not much."
"Is it because of me?"
He nodded. "I'm sorry."
Lily sighed. "I--there's nothing I can do--I want to make it better--"
"You can't," he said softly, "it'll just take time. I'll be fine."
Another long pause. "I don't know if this is something you want to hear, but I have to tell someone." A familiar smile graced her lips.
"You never could keep a secret," he commented conversationally, also smiling. Lily felt a wave of guilt sweep through her; she did not want to make him stop smiling. She'd done enough of that.
"I…uh…" Having changed her mind, she quickly searched for another story to tell. No luck. John furrowed his brow in confusion.
"What was it you wanted to tell me?"
"Oh, nothing."
He sighed. "I'll probably find out sooner or later. You might as well."
"I'm…uh…James proposed the other night."
John's head snapped in her direction and his eyes went wide for a split second. "He did?" After the initial shock wore off, it looked as though it were something he had been expecting.
Lily looked shyly at her clasped hands. "Yes."
"And?" he inquired eagerly.
"I haven't said anything about it," she admitted. "After it happened, we both sort of went into shock. We didn't speak much."
"Why would that send you into shock?" he wondered aloud.
"Oh, it wasn't just that." Lily hopped gracefully from off of the picnic table and began to walk around the mulch path that encircled the playground; John followed. "It was the same night I told him I was pregnant. Same moment, actually."
John gave her a peculiar look, but withheld his questions. He stuck his hands in his jacket pockets and walked with his head hanging slightly. Lily glanced at him quickly and then proceeded to stare at the empty jungle gym and swing sets. In an attempt, in turn, to glance back at her, he turned his head so to scratch his left ear; their eyes met.
Lily sighed. "What is it? We're getting nowhere this way."
"I just need to ask you something," he said. Lily's heart went out to him. He looked so scared and nervous. She softened her expression, yet urged him--gently--with a sweeping hand gesture.
"How much of a chance--" he cut himself off. "Do you think it's likely that--" He stopped again.
"If you're trying to ask about the baby, why don't you just say so?" she suggested, teasing. He gave her a grateful, yet embarrassed, smile.
"Do you think it's mine?" he asked, the anxiety and fear flooding back into both his tone and his expression. "Really, do you? Don't sugar coat it."
Lily kept silent for a moment to increase the suspense. Immediately, she had known what answer to give him, and it was the absolute one hundred percent truth. She just enjoyed her drama, enjoying making him hang on her every movement, her every gesture, her every breath. After all, this was a big moment.
"No, John," she answered finally, "I don't think it's yours at all. The reason I got sick at the hospital was because of my allergies, not because of a baby. It would have been too soon anyhow. I was just excited that Harry was better, so I ate the peanut brittle without a second thought."
Lily was glad to see that he looked relieved. "Oh, I see," she said, trying hard not to smile, "you don't want to have a baby with me."
John obviously didn't know that she was joking. "It's not that at all!" he rushed to correct, "I just--"
"John, I was only joking."
He was redder than a jar of tomato sauce.
They walked a while longer in silence until John worked up his courage again. "It really isn't because of you. I would love for it to be you. I just couldn't do this on my own…."
Lily nodded. "I understand. And I didn't think that I could either." She paused. "And I wouldn't leave you all the work. You know I wouldn't abandon my baby."
He sighed. "I know. I'm just so busy with work; I have no time for a baby! And I would never want to pile extra work on you and James. I wouldn't want to leave it with a sitter all the time either." He stopped himself, realizing how frantic he was becoming. "You see why I have been stressing?"
She placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You don't have to worry about it. I'm almost positive that it's not yours. There were just so many things that point fingers at James."
He pulled his lower lip in and out of his mouth with his teeth. He was staring at the ground. "I hope you're right."
- - -
Not too far from our heroes, another dilemma was tearing at the cerebral cortex of a less admirable individual. Lord Voldemort was trying to make possibly the most important decision he had ever made.
"Which boy?" he asked aloud. There was no one in the room with him, so his own echo bounced back at him. Recently, one of his Death Eaters had reported to him a prophecy he had overheard in a local pub in Hogsmeade. After analyzing the prophecy, straining their memories, and violating the Ministry of Magic's "terms of service", if you will, Voldemort and his comrades had narrowed the scope to two small boys who were very close in age.
Their names were Harry Potter and Neville Longbottom.
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