Chapter 3: The Deal
(9:17 a.m. 238 Lorillard Avenue. Godric's Hollow.)
Neither of them said anything for a moment. Lily surveyed him from his shoes to the chaotic black hair atop his head. He was wearing a dark blue sweater with gray trousers along with a chenille scarf to match his sweater. A plain black robe (left unhitched for style purposes) served as his top layer. His attire made her feel very underdressed indeed; she had on thin plaid pajama pants and an oversized green sweater that read "Kiss Me--I'm Irish!" on the front. Her ponytail was a disheveled mess and she was almost certain that there was a piece of dust lingering above her eyebrow.
"Wh-what are you doing here?" she asked. Her arms were trembling slightly and her eyes were as wide as saucers. It was a new sensation to Lily; she had never been nervous around him before.
"I heard that you lived nearby," he said in the same familiar, deep tones. "I thought I'd--er--say hello."
"Hello…" said Lily awkwardly, trailing off. To break the silence and to be polite (not to mention that she really wanted him to stay), she remembered her manners. "Would you, erm, like to come in? Harry's eating breakfast right now."
James looked a little uneasy at the mention of his son, but differently so. It wasn't like it had been on `that night'. They were two completely different kinds of uneasy and Lily was eager to learn exactly how they were different.
"Sure," he responded. Lily backed up and he stepped over the threshold, looking around the room. The walls were bare of any color except for the few portraits they'd scattered throughout the house, the carpet was gray, brand-new and freshly steamed, and the tile bordering the doorway was plain white separated by straight black lines. Lily had also tried to add a bit of a feminine touch to the room with ribboned curtains, doilies, and potted plants. She noticed James smirk for a moment at the site of these, and she held back her own smile; he had teased her when she'd brought them out at their old house.
"Everything looks so new," he commented conversationally. "Did you just move in?"
"Yes," she said with a nod, crossing her arms over her chest for warmth, "a couple of months ago." She found that it wasn't hard to talk to James at all. Maybe it was her body's reaction to crying for him all the time. He was here now. There was no need to cry.
"Is it just you and Harry?" he asked tentatively, although his expression suggested that he already knew the answer.
"No," she said; it felt like a huge weight had been tossed into the pit of her stomach as she said this, "my--er--boyfriend too."
If there was an Olympic competition for the most put-out expression, James Potter would have taken home the gold. It was obvious to Lily that he had heard about John, but didn't really believe it--or want to believe it--until it came out of Lily's mouth. And if there was a subsequent competition for attempting to hide said expression, he surely would have been sent back home.
"So, what's his name?"
"John. John Stroud."
James gave a nod. "Lily Stroud?"
"Not yet," she said, trying to suppress a grin; she couldn't help it, John made her happy. "But we have talked about it."
Another nod. Lily could tell that he was hurting inside. He had the same foggy look in his eyes as he had when Lily had left all those months ago. "Where's Harry?"
Lily's blood froze. Harry was still in his high chair. Hopefully her magic trick had amused him long enough; he usually whined and wriggled to get out of his chair the moment he had finished. What if it tipped over? She nearly ran straight to her baby, but she didn't want to give off `bad-mommy' vibes to James, so she kept quiet and calmly lead him to the kitchen.
She sighed with relief once she saw him; he was sitting in his chair still, trying to catch the spoon, but it stayed cleverly out of reach. When he saw the two adults, he shifted his attention away from the flying spoon and said cheerfully, "Ma! Ames!" along with a bang of his little fists on the tray of the high chair.
James seemed slightly impressed that Harry knew and could say his name, but was also confused. He raised an eyebrow at Lily, whose cheeks took on a bit of a pinkish shade. "How does he know my name?"
She doddered nervously from foot to foot. "We…were, uh, looking at pictures this morning. I told him who you are." This time both of his eyebrows were arched into the air; it was clear that he suspected a fib.
"Pictures?" he reverberated dubiously.
Lily nodded confidently to mollify his suspicions. "I just…felt like looking through them. And I showed Harry."
Harry perked up again at the mention of his name and looked at his mother. "Ma?"
Pretending neither of them had said anything, she walked over to the high chair and lifted him out of it, beaming. "Good! You didn't get messy!"
"No!" said Harry proudly. He hugged his mother around the neck and she patted his back in return. With a flick of her wand, she ended the feeding spell on the spoon and it descended to the tray with a clank. Lily turned around to face James, who had a smile etched onto his face.
"He's so cute," he said earnestly. Lily glowed with pride; every mother liked to hear this of her child, even if it was their father who was saying it.
"Would you like to hold him?" she asked nervously. `Oh God, please don't let him say no.'
"Okay," he said with a smile. Lily smiled at him in exchange. `He didn't say no! He doesn't hate Harry!' "Let's go in to the living room. I want to talk." James bobbled his head and stepped aside for Lily to lead them in to the living room.
They took adjacent seats on the couch and Lily offered Harry to James. He took him rather nervously, as if Harry were a delicate antique, but held him close. Harry seemed to like James, because he didn't complain at all about the closeness; he usually only let himself be cuddled when he was tired--less argumentative. Lily smiled down at her son; he adjusted well to strangers. Though she doubt he counted James as a stranger. He had seen pictures of him this morning and was a relatively trusting child. If he saw someone in a book, a picture, or on the television, he considered them to be people he knew.
"Ames," said Harry, tugging on his scarf and gazing up at him with his scintillating green eyes. James looked down at him, anticipating a reply.
"What?" he asked, trying to sound as `baby-friendly' as he could. Lily rolled her eyes at him.
"He's not going to answer you," she said, concealing her giggle so not to offend him. "He's just talking. And he wants attention."
"Oh." He sounded embarrassed. "Well…I…er…." He trailed off. Harry grabbed his father's finger and began nipping it lightly with his tiny, newly-grown teeth.
Lily watched the adorable sight for a moment before looking up at James in earnest. "Why are you here? Tell me the truth."
James sighed and looked down at Harry. "Can I have my finger back?" he asked his son.
"Ames!" said Harry as he let go of his finger. James patted him on the head and wiped his finger off. He cuddled Harry to his chest so he wouldn't have to worry about him tumbling over the side of the couch, and then looked up at Lily.
"I came back for him," said James, referring to the small boy in his arms. Lily's heart beat faster; was she really hearing this? He stared sincerely at her and Lily knew that he was going to talk to her--really talk to her. "I know that I was a jerk, and that I should have given everything a chance to sink in first, and I want to try and fix that. I also know that I've missed a lot already. But I don't want to miss any more. I may not be able to get you back"--Lily blushed and busied herself with a tendril of her hair--"but I should be able to take a part in Harry's life. He's half mine."
Although Lily was ecstatic to hear that James was finally ready for Harry, she also felt that he deserved a bit of a reprimand for taking so long to do so.
"And what has made you finally come over?" she asked, sounding slightly condescending.
"Well…I just realized that you lived close, and I--"
"You knew where I was living before," spat Lily, sounding awfully vicious toward the person she had been crying over earlier that day. "Why didn't you come back then?"
"I don't know!" he said, sounding angry as well, until it ebbed and he appeared to be considering something. "I guess…I thought that you wouldn't take me back….And now you have this John fellow… You don't realize how stupid I feel." When he finished, he sounded very glum and remorseful. Lily's heart went out to him--if it had been her in that position, she would have been confused, too.
"I might have," she said, her tone of voice gentler. "I missed you a lot," she admitted. James's warm smile was very comforting. It felt like the old days. And he was even snuggling with Harry, who had fallen asleep.
"I missed you too, Lily," he said softly. "And I still do. But I guess that doesn't matter now, does it?" He chuckled lightly to comfort himself.
"You weren't there," she said, and at first her voice was soft and shy, but she grew more confident as she spoke on, glad to finally express her feelings. "John was there. He helped me raise Harry and he accepted me. You didn't want him."
"I didn't mean that," he admitted heavily, "I did want Harry. I wanted you too. I was just scared. My whole life had been decided for me. There was no way to go back and fix it. Just like there's no way to go back and fix what I've done. I just want to start over."
"We can't start over, James," said Lily. "I'm with someone else now." `But I love you.'
"I meant start over with Harry," he said, giving her an odd look. Lily reddened. `Shit. That was smooth. Now I sound conceited.'
"Is that alright?"
Lily tried to answer him, but a click from the bolt on the door and the appearance of John in the foyer distracted both of them. It wasn't until he had closed and locked the door that he noticed James sitting on the couch. He had the McFlurry and a cup of what Lily guessed was coffee in a drink holder in one hand and a small, brown bag in the other.
"You didn't tell me you were going to have a visitor, Lily," he said both conversationally and surprised, walking over to them. He peeked downward at Harry sleeping in James's lap and felt a rush of competition and jealousy.
"I'll take Harry upstairs if you want," he offered.
"He's fine here, thanks," said James politely, gently stroking his son's messy hair. Lily admired how tender he was with the child. How could this man have thought himself unprepared for his son?
John nodded; Lily could tell that he wasn't liking this much. "I brought your food," he said, turning to Lily. "Ice cream and a burger." She accepted the bag and smiled at him.
James snickered. "She still eats ice cream for breakfast? My Lily hasn't changed a bit."
The effect of his last sentence ensued mixed feelings. Honestly, he hadn't meant to. To him, she had always been `his Lily'. Lily was very flattered, of course, to hear that he still thought of her in this way, but she didn't want to upset John by giving off the impression that she had liked it. And John? Well, if looks could kill, he would have aimed a dirty glare right at James. But being the civil man he was, he chuckled politely and announced that he needed to go upstairs to change.
Lily started on her ice cream first. McFlurries had the tendency to melt quickly, as most soft-serve ice creams did, so it was best that one finished it soon. Which wasn't a problem. She always finished desserts relatively quickly. John had even remembered her favorite flavor; Oreo.
`This is so much better than waffles,' she conceded to herself, stuffing a large spoonful of the sweet dessert into her mouth.
`You know what would go perfectly with that?' asked the nasty voice.
`Hmm?'
`James.'
`For a voice inside of my head, you're awfully suggestive,' Lily told it bluntly.
`You're the one that wants it. I'm a part of you. Leave that other man. You've got all you need on the couch.'
`But John never left me.'
It seemed like the voice always left when she needed its advice the most. She looked back up at James, who had been staring meditatively at Harry.
"He's cute, isn't he?" asked James, staring admiringly down at his son.
"Yes," Lily conceded warmly, setting her McFlurry cup on the coffee table to her right, "he looks just like you."
James plunged out of his dream-like state with a devilish grin. "Does this mean that you think I'm cute?"
Lily pondered for a moment; she did not want to give James the satisfaction of knowing that Lily still felt for him quite yet. "No. I merely agreed with you that our son is cute. Then I said he looked like you. You're the one who made a connection between the two."
James wore a challenging grin. Lily picked up her cup and amusedly scooped more ice cream into her mouth. "There had to be a connection," he decided, "You said he was cute and that he looked just like me. That means that you think I'm cute."
Obviously, she was not going to win this one. Lily snapped her fingers in mock defeat. "Damn you and your clever ways, James!" They both laughed.
John could hear them from the upstairs hallway. He sensed a glow in Lily. Something she had never shown with him. They were so happy just to be with each other, it made John wonder how they could have ever split up. He sat in the hall for the next few minutes to think, since he didn't really feel like either one of them had expected him to return.
What would happen if Lily chose James over him? He didn't want to lose her! She was his first love! The woman he had lost his virginity to! He had to get rid of this other man. James couldn't just suddenly decide that he wanted to take back Harry and Lily!
But Lily had warned him about her feelings for James before they had even begun dating….
`Then she shouldn't have gotten involved with me,' he thought. But then he felt bad. It wasn't really Lily's fault. She was just confused. She had been hurt by someone she loved and she had sought comfort.
`Why did she have to seek me? I love her, but I wasn't ready for this. You can't give someone something and then take it back!'
`Who said that he even came here to take Lily back?' asked another voice. `He had the boy in his lap. Perhaps he just wanted to see him.'
`Or maybe he just wants your girl, man,' interrupted another.
`Shut up,' said John angrily to the voice. As much as he didn't want to believe it, he knew that James hadn't only come here to see Harry. Because if he had, their attention would be focused more on the child than on each other.
John pictured again the happy glow that radiated from Lily. He wanted her to be happy. James made her extremely happy, which was something John never seemed to be able to accomplish. Sure he made her happy, and he had helped with the mending of her heart, but he had never made her that happy before. The happiness one feels when they visit old high school buddies, when you look back at memorable pictures in a photo album, and when you wrap yourself in a blanket from your youth. John simply could not compete with what James had with Lily. They had known each other from the moment they stepped onto Platform 9 and three-quarters (Literally, the moment for Lily. She had tripped over him, as Sirius had dared him to sit in front of the wall.) until their graduation in 7th year. John had bunked in the same room as James all those years and had seen Lily on a regular basis, but didn't pursue her madly as James had.
One might think that would turn a girl off. Apparently not.
So he came to his conclusion: If James made Lily so happy, he was precisely who she was going to get.
- - -
(9:49 a.m. 238 Lorillard Avenue. Godric's Hollow.)
"So how did you find out that I was here?" Lily asked, trying to sound as casual as one can when they're finishing a burger in front of their ex. John, who was coming down the staircase, thanked whatever higher power was up there for her question. (He had been curious about how he found out since the moment he spotted him.)
"Well, I work for the Floo Network Authority and I couldn't help but notice a new addition to the list. And I had heard that you were with a man named `John Stroud,'" He answered, confirming her earlier suspicions. "Plus, I live close by. It wasn't too hard to figure out."
John took a seat at the armchair across the room from the couch. "So," he began, trying to find the nicest way to phrase his question, "Lily never told me why you're here."
"I'm here to see Harry," clarified James. He could tell that John was both suspicious and a tad jealous ("Or he might just be giving off that impression for show," he reconsidered). Who wouldn't be? If he were in his position, he would want himself out of the house too. "We're going to set up a visiting schedule."
John stole a quick glance over at Lily. She looked so happy. Of course, she had only been waiting for this for nearly a year. But it was obvious that there was another reason she was happy; James. And not just that he had come to see Harry. He had also come to see her.
All at once, he felt bad for his jealously and considered Lily's feelings. This was the man she truly loved. He had redeemed himself for his mistake and was even taking the next step by setting up schedules. John had to admit to himself that he had already lost them. And all of this could have been avoided if he would have ignored the sign up papers for Floo service.
"Lily?" he asked, "Would you come into the kitchen for a moment?"
At first she felt annoyed at him for requesting this. Her first assumption had been that he was jealous and wanted the other man to leave the room. When he explained to her his true intentions, however, she was very surprised.
"Go with James?" she parroted incredulously, whispering so that the aforementioned person would not hear. "But why? I thought you were jealous of him."
He sighed. "Look, Lily. I know that you're in love with James. You told me that when we were just friends. And now look; he's come back to see his child. Isn't that what you wanted? You three can be a family again."
"You make it sound so easy, John! But it would be hard on all four of us. I don't know if I could go back to living with James. I've grown so accustomed to you."
"But you even said that you weren't truly happy without James! I saw the way you two are together. You can't hide that grin from anyone, Lily. Especially me," John said, giving her a wink.
She smiled. "He does make me happy. And seeing him with Harry makes me even happier."
"See?" he persisted, "just stay with him for a week. And if things go well, you can stay with him. If they don't, come back home. It's a trial separation. And if you don't like it there before the week is up, do try to stick it out. Everybody deserves a second chance, sweetie."
"But what about you?" she asked with a frown, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you."
As touched as this made him feel to hear this, he persisted. "Seeing you unhappy hurts me," he said, "Sure I love being with you, but not if it would make you happier to be with someone else."
Lily could feel tears taking shape in her eyes. John understood. Like he always had. She wrapped him tightly in a hug and kissed his neck.
"Thank you for understanding. And I do love you, John. If things don't work out, you can count on me coming home."
He grinned at her. "I would be ecstatic if that happened, but I know you'll end up the way you've always wanted to."
"Oh, I hope so," she said nostalgically, "I just hope you'll be okay if it does."
"I will be."
`Why am I so concerned?' she abruptly asked herself. `We haven't even discussed this with James. He might not like the idea.'
`Of course he will,' assured the voice. `You heard him. He wants you back. But would you have him?'
`I…I don't know,' she answered uncertainly. `He didn't come after me. He didn't comfort me or help me at all. Why do I even like this man?'
`Because you know he has a good heart. And that he didn't do any of it on purpose.'
`I know.'
They re-entered the living room and Lily led the way back over to James. She sat back down on the couch and gave John a "you do it" kind of look. James looked expectantly at each of them in turn, and when he was given no reply, he asked,
"Is there something you two need to tell me?"
Lily cleared her throat. John gave her an impatient look, but cleared his own throat--to begin speech rather than to annoy people--and said, "Lily and I had an idea"--Lily stepped on his foot--"alright I had an idea." Harry yawned and shifted position slightly as James uncrossed his legs. "Since I know how much Lily misses you, I wanted her to try spending a bit of time with you. Just the three of you. Lily and Harry can go to your house for a week and if things work out, they'll stay. But if they don't, she can come back home. Either way, it works out for her."
James felt a flutter of hope in his chest. He might get Lily back! And Harry! But at the same time, he didn't want John to be hurt. It wasn't his fault that Lily wasn't in love with him. Or that he would grieve for her. James knew he was a good person because despite his personal feelings for Lily, he was willing to give her up to someone else just so she could be happy. He felt himself gathering admiration for him.
"Well, Lily?" asked James, beseeching approval. "Are you up for it? A whole week with me?" There was something in his eyes that made Lily smile. He looked mischievous, serious, and hopeful all at once. Just like he always had.
"You bet I am, Potter," she said with a challenging grin.
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