Chapter 1
Hermione stared at the promise ring on her finger. She wouldn't cry; she couldn't. He promised to come back to her, if it was at all possible. He promised to exchange this ring for an engagement ring. She'd tried to talk him into marriage before the showdown they all knew he would face. He'd refused.
"I know you want to get married, love. I'd like nothing better. I just can't make promises to you that I don't even know if I can keep. I won't do that to you. I love you so much, Hermione. You are the only one I'll ever love. Just please don't ask me to do this…not yet…"
She truly thought she'd feel something when he died, like a piece of her heart being ripped from her chest, yet she hadn't. That was why she fought so hard against the Ministry for wanting to declare him legally a war casualty. She couldn't feel him dead. She'd never lost someone close to her, so maybe you didn't feel it when they died. At the urging of her friends and family she'd finally relented.
All through the funeral, she stared at the casket, knowing it was empty….just like her heart. She never heard any of the service, she just sat and stared. It wasn't until Ron gently tugged her arm that she realized it was over. It's been two months since he disappeared. She'd never known a mere sixty days could last so long. Even though it was still only afternoon and a host of people were downstairs, she fell into her childhood bed, only to jump right back out and run to the loo due to nausea.
"Poor thing," clucked Mrs. Weasley as she looked toward the ceiling to indicate the woman upstairs. "She just isn't adjusting to the loss well, is she?"
"I worry about her," Ron replied. "She's tough, though. With a little more time, she'll be fine."
"I wonder about that…" said Mrs. Granger. "Normally I'd agree with you, but the hold that boy has on her. Since she started that school, he's been in her head, and then later her heart. I just don't know…"
Arthur Weasley popped his head into the fire. "Ron!" he called. "Remus Lupin has regained consciousness. He's ready to talk. We'll finally find out what happened that night and find closure with this one way or another!"
Ron raced up the stairs to find the other remaining third to their trio bent over the toilet. "Hermione, are you alright?" he asked gently.
"I'm not sure anymore," she said evenly, laying her head against his shoulder. "I can't eat. I can't sleep and when I do I have these awful nightmares. I've been getting sick every day for a week now and I can't seem to care about anything." She raised her head and looked him in the eye. "I just want to know what happened to him. I get these strange dreams where I see him. I see him and he screams to me and calls my name. I just want some closure. I need to know one way or another. Ron, I can't go on like this…"
Ron patted her on the back a bit and stroked her hair. "I came up to tell you that Remus is awake and wants to talk to us. Did you want to come along?"
"Of course!" she said. "Let me just freshen up a bit and we can go."
The couple entered the dungeon of St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries and found where Remus was being kept. He'd been unconscious since that fateful night and due to his lycanthropy, he has been sheltered in a secure room in the furthest section of the hospital.
Upon entering, Hermione saw that Lupin looked sicker than ever. She sped over to the bed and engulfed him a tight hug.
"Let me look at you…" Lupin said weakly. "You haven't been eating…or sleeping. He wouldn't want this, Hermione. You have to join the land of the living. I've been there; I know."
"What happened to him, Remus? Is he truly gone?"
"I'm sure he is…I'm sorry."
For the first time since the battle tears rolled down her cheeks. "What happened?" she asked not sure if she really wanted to know.
"I didn't hear all that was said. Harry and Voldemort's wands were locked together in a duel. They were shouting at each other. Harry tried to taunt Voldemort into possessing him, like he had at the Ministry. Voldemort refused. Harry called him a pathetic coward and taunted him a bit more harshly. Voldemort took possession of him and Harry pointed his wand at his own chest. He told Voldemort that all of the horcruxes had been destroyed and that he was next. "I shouted, 'NO!!!', but Harry just looked at me and smiled. Then he…then he…." Remus' voice cracked with emotion. "He cast the Avada Kadavra on himself…" Remus sobbed loudly for a long time holding Hermione as she did the same. As the sobbing faded to silent tears, Remus went on, "I raced over to him as he fell to the ground. He seemed so very lifeless before they both disappeared…I found both wands and Harry's charred glasses where he'd fallen, but there were no bodies…I'm so sorry, Hermione. I wish I'd have done more, but I can't even think what I could have done…"
"You did your best, I'm sure, Remus. He could be very stubborn when he wanted."
Remus nodded, "What about you?" he asked her. "Are you going to be all right?"
"I think so," she answered. She stood silently for a few minutes. "He's dead," she told herself resolutely. As if steeling herself, she stood from the bed. Ron had stayed quiet through the ordeal, but his face showed signs of recent crying as well.
"Are you ready to talk to the Aurors, Remus?" asked Ron. "I can have my father tell them to give you a bit…"
"Send them in," he answered with a sigh. "Best get it over with…"
Hermione was silent on the way home. When they reached her flat, she begged off further conversation without having to lie about being exhausted. Ron was hesitant to leave her alone, but she convinced him that she'd be fine.
Once he left, she allowed all of the emotion she'd kept a tight rein on loose. After casting a silencing charm, she raged at Harry as she picked up one item after another and heaved it across the room. By the time she was finished the top floor flat was nearly obliterated. Large holes were left in the walls that, without the charms she'd cast, would have granted? passersby the ability to view the tornado inside. Between the accidental magic that escaped her and the damage she willingly caused, there was nothing left intact.
Spent from her outburst, she lay down surrounded by debris and fell asleep. The nightmare began almost immediately.
Harry sat in a rusty metal cage. Upon seeing her he rose. "Hermione, love, you found me!" he said with a grin. "I knew you would…" The grin faded as she came toward him.
"What are you waiting for?" he asked strongly. "Let me out…" She stood silently in place staring at him. "I'm not mad, Hermione, I promise you that, just let me out and we can talk..."
She remained where she was unable to move, to speak, to react in any way. His temper rose as he beat at the metal bars. "LET ME OUT! HERMIONE!! I'M NOT MAD!! YOU FOUND ME SO LET ME OUT!!" He repeated this over and over and she was frozen in place with her eyes streaming.
Ron heard the whimpers as he approached her door. He Apparated inside. Seeing the destruction, he began to search for her quickly. He followed the sound to her bedroom. "Hermione, love, wake up…" he coaxed reaching for her.
She gradually opened her eyes and looked up at her friend. "He's really gone?" she asked softly.
"Yes. He is," Ron agreed. "Are you going to be okay?" Ron looked around at the devastation.
"I need to talk…" she said.
"You talk while I listen and see if I can put this back to rights," he said as he glanced around.
"I'll probably destroy it again…" she said with resignation.
"Well, then I'll fix it again. It'll be less enjoyable if everything's already trashed…" he teased gently.
She smiled a small smile and sat up. "I dreamt about him again…" she said at last.
"I could tell," Ron answered. "What was the dream about?"
Hermione relayed the all of details of the dream. "What does it all mean?"
"Well…Trelawny's Dream Oracle would most likely tell you that you are going to suffer a disfiguring accident, but I think you just need to let him go…"
"Don't you think I've tried?" she asked.
"I would hope you have, but you've been so closed off…"
"I'm pregnant, Ron. I found out for sure this morning…"
"Oh, Hermione!" Ron exclaimed rushing over to hold her. "You didn't have to worry on your own. I would've understood...I would've helped…"
"I wasn't sure. I've suspected for a couple of weeks, but…with the funeral and everything else, I had to just…I don't know…cope with everything before I told anyone."
"Have you made any plans? Any decisions?" he asked stroking her hair.
"No, I don't know what to think. On the one hand, I'm thrilled that there's a piece of him going to be with me always, on another, I am furious with him for what he did…" Her hands waved as she talked. "Then again, I'm terrified about raising a child alone or if I even want to…also, I'm so confused I don't know which way to turn…"
Ron kneeled down on one knee. "If you'll have me, I'd like to marry you…We could build a life together and raise our family…"
"No!" Hermione stopped him. "I won't do this. I made the decision to make love with Harry, when even he was hesitant. I may not know much but I know that I won't raise a child in a loveless marriage…" She looked at Ron's hurt face and she softened. "I didn't mean it like that and you know it. I love you and you know that, too, but I'm not in love with you any more than you are with me. We can hardly be in the same room for ten minutes without arguing! I appreciate the offer, really I do. I'm touched that you'd make that sacrifice for me, but you and I both know that it wouldn't work. Remember back in sixth year what a nightmare that was?"
Ron smiled. "You were mental then. Hell, we were all bloody mental that year!"
Hermione gave a small laugh. "True, but it did lead me to the happiest times of my life. If we hadn't gone on our adventure with Harry, think of what we'd have missed out on. If that bastard hadn't chosen the easy way out, then…"
Ron blanched. "You don't really think that's what happened, do you? You think he killed himself on purpose?"
Hermione shrugged. "What I do know is that he cast that curse. Even if he was making the ultimate sacrifice…well it didn't turn out too well for his mum when she tried that, did it?"
"She allowed Harry to live. That was worth it, wasn't it?" Ron couldn't believe her cynicism.
She shrugged again. "I don't know," she answered. "I want to believe that he had a wonderful plan that went badly, but I can't. You heard Remus. Harry smiled at him. He knew exactly what he was doing, I think."
Ron stared at her disbelievingly. "You've got this all figured out, do you? Well, I think you're wrong there. I trust my best friend more than that."
"You can be naive, if you want, Ron. I begged him to let us go with him that last day. Why do you think he refused? Why do you think he was so adamant?"
"Hmmm," said Ron, "Let's think...maybe because, number one, he's got a 'need to play the hero' complex a mile wide and number two, in case you've forgotten, bloody You-know-who was there!"
"I'm well aware of that, Ron," she said exasperatedly.
"Well, my theory is that he, as usual, had some half-baked plan that didn't work out. I mean, think about it...he's beaten that curse before. He may have thought that he was immune..."
Hermione sighed heavily. "Maybe you are right. It makes sense, but…"
"But nothing," said Ron. "Just have some faith."
"I can't promise anything. Everything is so jumbled up. I can't get past how desperately he didn't want to get married and how rough things have always been for him. You can't deny, if you were in his shoes, the thought wouldn't cross your mind…"
"Cross, maybe," said Ron. "Linger and become a plan? Harry? Never!"
"How do to you know that for sure?" she asked. "How do you know what he was thinking? Maybe he thought he'd seen enough people die that are close to him. You know he took Dumbledore's death hard…not to mention Sirius…the others…"
"Yes, but he bounced back each and every time. He's a survivor, Hermione. He may not talk about it, but he dealt with it his own way. He wouldn't stuff it like that if there were any other way…"
"I think, like with so many other things, we'll have to agree to disagree on this."
They talked for many more hours, yet resolved nothing. Hermione swore Ron to secrecy about the baby until she was ready to deal with the idea. Ron again tried to convince her to marry him, which she refused.
"It's late. You should get some rest…" he suggested.
"You don't need to stay, Ron. I'll be fine…"
"I'll stay anyway. Maybe I can be of some help. Harry used to appreciate my presence when he had nightmares…"
Finally, she relented and lay down on her newly repaired bed and fell into an exhausted sleep.
The next morning, Hermione awoke early and got herself ready for work. "I'm going into the office for a bit, Ron. It's been ages since I've been there."
Ron grinned up at her from the sofa in her bedroom. "That's my girl," he said proudly.
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In the two years that had passed since Hermione's breakdown, Ron Weasley had become quite the businessman. Between helping Hermione and being busy growing his career, he'd left no time to cultivate other relationships. One sunny afternoon, he strode confidently into the restaurant where he was to meet his Muggle business associate. He found Steven Johansson immediately and approached the table. He greeted the man with a firm handshake. Sitting down, he quickly scanned the menu for something he recognized.
Looking across the table toward his associate to begin the meeting, he glimpsed an unmistakable face in the distance. "Harry!" he said breathlessly as he rose from his seat.
"Excuse me?" said Mr. Johansson in confusion.
Ron apologized to his colleague and returned to his seat. By some miracle he was able to negotiate favorable terms while his eyes never left the laughing raven haired man in the corner.
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"So how is your first trip back into the real world, Trey?" his companion Teresa smiled.
"It's a bit odd," Trey answered. "I wonder if I've been here before, if I've got a place nearby…it's…discomforting."
Teresa laughed. "You'll remember soon enough. Trey…I wanted to thank you for your help with Old Man McGinty. He doesn't mean any harm. He just gets…"
"Confused?" Trey offered. "Well, I know all about that, don't I? I've been a bit confused myself now and again…." Teresa smiled at him. "I didn't murder that man. I mean, I would know that, right? I'd know if I'm a killer, wouldn't I?"
"If we thought for a moment that you were a cold-blooded killer, you'd have never gotten the day pass. Until we get your memory back, we won't know what happened to that man. It's all so strange the way the two of you just showed up like that."
"I wish I could remember…" he said sadly.
"I know you do, Trey," she consoled. "We're doing everything we can to help you…"
"Has no one asked after me or looked for me?"
"No one..." she answered. "I'm so sorry…"
Harry had had enough of talking gloom and doom. Changing the subject, he said, "So you want to hear the trick to getting Mr. McGinty to put his clothes back on?" At the nurse's nod, he lowered his voice to a whisper, "He fancies Mrs. Campbell. I told him that he truly needed to bathe if he was wanted to impress her. He was mortified and just got dressed again…"
After several more stories of escapades at St. Joseph's, Teresa asked flirtatiously, "What else should we do on your free day?"
"Fancy a walk?" he asked. "After being there for so long, I think I'd like to walk about and enjoy the freedom, even if it is only temporary."
"Then a walk it is…" she answered.
After spending the afternoon window shopping, the couple returned to the Center. Trey thanked her for a lovely time and for the new trainers she'd purchased for him. "I know I've got money…at least I think I do. When I get my life back, I promise to repay you…"
"There's no need," she answered. "You've helped me often enough that they should just allow you to fill that empty post…"
"That won't happen," Trey answered sadly. "I'm still a patient. Even after I'm released, I'll likely not be hired…anywhere. The headaches alone will put some people off."
"They've been better with the medication, haven't they?"
"Better, but still debilitating. See? I've been reading. I'm sure I'm just being impatient, but I hope they taper off soon. Besides, I'm so disorganized. I can't find anything these days, it seems."
Trey, listen to me…" she began. "I know the doctor has talked with you about this, but don't be so hard on yourself. So, you've reached a plateau in your recovery. That doesn't mean that you are stuck with things the way they are. You've made steady progress. Be proud of that. I know I am." He watched as she closed his door and came toward him. She wrapped her arms around him and raised her face in expectation of a kiss.
Trey gave her a quick hug and turned away. "I can't," he said regretfully.
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Ron Apparated back to his office and dropped off the forms and took the rest of the day off. He went immediately to the Ministry to see his father.
"Come in, son. To what do I owe the unexpected pleasure?" Arthur Weasley queried as Ron stepped into the room, his face ashen.
"It's Harry, Dad…" Ron began.
Mr. Weasley looked at his son sympathetically. "Yes, it's been difficult. I knew it would be hardest on you and Hermione…"
"I saw him…today…" Ron admitted.
"I'm sure you think you did, Ron. We see lost loved ones from time to time, but it turns out to be someone else."
"It's not like that, Dad. I really saw him. I know it was him!" Ron retorted.
"Tell me what happened…" said Mr. Weasley. "Start from the beginning and don't leave out a single detail…" Ron told him about seeing Harry from across the restaurant. "And you are absolutely positive it was him…"
Ron nodded with a wide grin. "I'm sure of it."
To Ron's surprise his father didn't look pleased. In fact, he looked distinctly displeased. "I must alert the Ministry," stated Mr. Weasley. "Ron, it is very important to keep this to yourself."
"I'm telling Hermione, Dad. She needs to know." Arthur bowed his head as he knew there would be no dissuading his son.
"Please make sure it is of utmost importance that she not tell anyone. The Ministry will let you know when it will be no longer classified." With that he opened the door and departed.
Ron was left in confusion as to why his father wasn't happy that the man who he'd once called as good as a son was not dead. He gave his head a mental shake and went to find Hermione.
He Apparated into Hogsmeade and walked up to the school. He found Hermione in her office.
"Ron! What a pleasant surprise!" she said beaming. Then she saw the look on his face and sat down. "What is it? Is Andrew okay? Tell me!"
"Andrew is fine, but I did come to talk to you about something, though," Ron began. "I had lunch today at a Muggle restaurant in London. I saw Harry, Hermione! He's alive!"
Once again he was not given the reaction he'd expected. She looked almost angry. "Oh, I see," she said in a clipped tone. "Anything else?"
"Hermione, don't you get it? The man you fell in love with and the father of your child is still alive! I'd think that garners a bit more than an 'I see,' doesn't it?"
"I'm not sure that it does actually," she said vehemently. "He's as dead to me as he ever was."
Ron looked at her incredulously. "You can't mean that..."
"I assure you that I do. He tried to off himself to get out of his responsibilities. You can't expect me to get excited that he's surfaced again."
"I thought we agreed that it wasn't on purpose and this proves it! He'd never have taken his own life, Hermione. He wouldn't!"
"I never agreed to anything other than to quit hearing about him. I have my reasons for believing otherwise, as you well know."
Ron pulled her into his arms in a friendly hug. "I just thought you'd want to know, love. I didn't mean to upset you..."
"I'm not upset," she said evenly. "That would indicate interest on my part..." They talked about nothing of importance for awhile more before Ron took his leave with an agreement to stop by to visit Andrew another day.
Ron arrived at the Burrow late that evening in response to a request from his father. "What's up, Dad?" he asked upon arriving.
"Son, tell me again about seeing the Potter boy..."
"The Potter boy?" Ron asked confused. "What's going on? Since when has he…"
"Ron," his father interrupted. "I can't discuss the particulars with you. I just need you to tell me again exactly what you saw…"
Ron related the story a second time. "Can you find him?" he asked.
"We've traced for his magical signature, but he apparently isn't using magic. Of course this could just turn out to be someone who looks amazingly similar…"
"Dad, I told you. I saw the scar. It is him." Ron slammed his hand down on the counter. Mr. Weasley looked at the ceiling as if willing his wife not to wake.
"I know that, son," he whispered. "I just wouldn't put it past the Dark forces to attempt a ruse like that. Send the Ministry on a wild goose chase in order to hide what they are planning."
"It sounds as if you think that Harry might have some part in that…" Ron
"Can you prove he doesn't? Ron, be reasonable. You know as well as I that we have to check out all of the possible options." Arthur looked at his son, almost willing him to see his side of things.
"If you think that Harry would have anything to do with Death Eaters, then you are sadly mistaken. Look at it from another point of view. I saw how it bothered him that no one believed him that You-know-who had come back. Did he say 'piss off' to all of you then? No. Even I believed for a bit that he put his name in for the Tri-Wizard Tournament. When are we ever going to quit doubting him?"
"But, Ron…" interrupted his father.
"No, let me finish," Ron answered. "He's done more for our world than anyone and rather than, for Merlin's sake, be a bit appreciative, you lot are ready to string him up again! I'm sorry I ever came to you with this. I thought, wrongly, I suppose, that you'd be happy he's still alive." Having said his piece, Ron left for home.
Ron had heard nothing more about Harry or anyone sighting him in the next two weeks. He'd attempted to get Hermione to soften her stance, as well, but gave it up as a bad job.
On Sunday, his father showed up at his door, pounding impatiently. Ron opened the door and his father rushed in. "Ron, I'm glad you are home. We've located Harry. He's been in a Muggle mental institution. I just thought you should know that we are going to extricate him tomorrow."
"So he is mad after all…" said Ron incredulously. "I need to tell Hermione…"
"I'm not sure that's the best idea," Arthur replied. "You know how she is…"
"She should still know. If he's dangerous, like you think he is, then she needs to be aware."
Hermione opened her door to see her frantic best friend on the other side. "Come in, Ron, and tell me what's wrong…"
"They've found him, Hermione…" Ron panted.
"And I need to know this….why?" she asked with a derisive tone. "I've made my views very plain on this…"
"I think he's dangerous, Hermione. He's been in a Muggle mental ward for over two years! Even Muggles wouldn't do that if there wasn't something seriously wrong with him…"
"Well, aren't you the loyal friend? What happened to 'Just have some faith, Hermione,'? Did that all but disappear once the word, 'mental' was used?"
"I don't know what to think anymore…I just don't know…" Ron said with his head bowed.
Hermione raised his chin with her hand. "What I know is that I want some answers from him and I intend to get them. I still think he's a coward and cannot be trusted, I still believe I deserve some answers…Are you coming with me?"
Ron shook his head. "I can't, Hermione. I just can't. I would rather remember him for who he was than some raving lunatic…"
"What if they've got it all wrong?" she asked softly. "What if the only reason he was there was that he was confused? Maybe he thought they were magical and started spouting off about wands and duels and people who turned into animals. That would qualify him a bed in a mental hospital in the Muggle world. Don't you think?"
"You could be right, but I don't want to take that chance…I'll come with you, but, please, don't force it."