Same Old Story---Chapter 8
Anyone who knew Harry and Hermione well knew the story between them would either be sickeningly sweet or turn out horribly awful. Harry knew this from his talks with Marlie and the twins. He lay awake with Hermione cradled in his arm with her cheek on his shoulder. She had roused a bit but was still struggling with the idea of opening her eyes.
Harry looked at her sweetly. "We need to get up," he said. "Well, I do anyway. There's work to be done at my house."
"I'll come help you. I have to get used to it anyway," she said with tired smile. "Four o'clock and up at nine-thirty. Sheesh," she cried mockingly as she let her head fall back in her pillow.
"You can have a sleep in, Hermione. I just don't want to let them go too much longer," said Harry.
"No, no. I'll go. I'm going to collapse on your sofa later though," she said. "I know it."
They showered and dressed finding the closeness a bit distracting for two people who were trying to get out of the house and not find a reason to boff each other for real this time. "You will have to fix up the place so we have room," she said talking about his house on campus.
They whipped up a quick tea and biscuits with jelly and were off. They laughed at how the tension between them probably made them move faster to get away from the bed than either of them did when they were alone. "So, how do you do this?"
Twenty minutes later they were at the hut. He showed her where the feed was and which animals got what. Harry had to take care of the snakes and the spider. But she was interested in what they ate. He liked spending time showing her what he did everyday. He could tell that she was not as squeamish as he'd thought she'd be. Human blood and taking care of people was different than things that looked like they crawled out of a mound of manure.
He was happy that Hermione was a hard worker too. She helped him replace the gate with the one he'd gotten midweek to replace the broken and splintered one. It was easy for him to hold but someone had to put the pins in while he held it. "Painting is all that's left to do on that project. Thanks Hermione, that was very cool."
"No problem. This is so different. You're outside most of the day and I'm inside. I like it here," she said. "So, if there are other projects that an extra set of hands can help with bring them on."
He smiled. He had a load of small stuff that would be a lot easier with two people. Some were things in the house. He knew he could use magic for most things, but he liked working with his hands. The gate, he had explained to Hermione, would have been fixed by magic if he had something in there that absolutely need it fixed right away. Otherwise, he wanted to replace it. Magic was something that was a helper in most cases and not his focus anymore.
"Why is that Harry?" she asked as he mentioned it.
"I don't know. You don't realize how boring life would be if I did this everyday." He took his wand pointed it a fence post and said "Reducto." And after a moment or so to Hermione's surprise said, "Reparo." First the post shattered and then it went back together as if no harm had ever been done to it.
Hermione laughed as the post returned to normal in almost no time at all. "Oh, I see how magic makes your life harder," she said.
"Oh, go ahead and laugh, Hermione. I know how it sounds. The thing is: what if I did everything by magic? I'd have so much time on my hands that I'd go nuts. When I first started three years ago, I did things that way. Fewer injuries but I didn't like the animals much. I don't know, one day I started to do things by hand like Hagrid had and fell in love with the outdoors and, believe it or not, the great feeling I had when I went inside tired after a hard day's work. Now I find the animals and creatures refreshing and a worthwhile task to do each day."
She seemed sort of sorry she'd laughed, but Harry laughed too. "I guess, if it makes you happy to do things without magic, that's the way you should do them. I guess it's the same as me putting the things up on the shelves really. I should be the last to talk."
"I've told you before we're a lot alike in ways that aren't always obvious," he said. He kissed her forehead took her hand leading her inside. "Sit."
He went over to his sink, "Tea?" he asked.
"Sure," said Hermione.
He had felt uncomfortable all morning about her confessions of her two encounters with men before last night. There was so much they still didn't know about each other. It was daytime with no alcohol, not even the little they'd had last night, and no emotional wave to keep them riding safely to shore.
"Harry?" asked Hermione. "Silences like last night helped to make things more mysterious. Today, it's not the same for some reason. Is something wrong?"
"You are so good to me, Hermione. I just feel as if you did things that maybe you would have preferred to have left still in our future," he said. "I asked you about your experiences. And, graciously, you answered. But you never put me under the microscope; you gave me excuses for being the sort of bastard who doesn't deserve you. And, the guilt is sort of sinking in."
"Why?" asked Hermione. "If I accept you the way you are, why are you feeling guilty?"
"It's good that we can't lie to one another. It will make it hard for us to be unfaithful, but I think last night we were so much in love that our antenna for that sort of stuff was down," he said. "Is it possible?"
She tried to lighten the mood, "You mean something like a rubbish or bullshit detector?"
"Yeah, exactly, I don't believe for a second that you don't regret losing your virginity under the circumstances you described and it made me feel guilty that I allowed myself to accept your apologies for my behavior. Your decision to take responsibility for your actions and put a good light on it…well, it convicts me of being a pretty self-absorbed jerk." Harry turned and looked at her with a very blank look of despair.
"What do you want me to do? Do you want me to get up and kick you in the whatevers for every girl you were with?" asked Hermione.
"You wanted to wait for sex with me for just that reason, Hermione. I feel it. You wanted to make sure that you got the whole sordid story before you let your hair down with me. But you didn't, why?"
Hermione looked perplexed. "Because I love you, Harry and I don't need to know that to know that I love you."
"You aren't scared that one day one of those girls will show up with a baby at my doorstep demanding that I support a son or daughter?" asked Harry.
Hermione looked at him for a moment. "You aren't telling me that…" she stopped. "No, you're not. I can tell."
"That's right, but how long do you think we need to wait to find out if it's happened and I don't know about it?" asked Harry. "I've been blowing off that scenario since the first time I didn't use protection."
"Harry, you're not the only one responsible. I'm not sexually active, but if I had any idea that I would be, that would be the first thing I would minimize as a possible outcome. Second would be getting a disease but just as important." She said, "Come sit down and don't make this so scary with all this distance between us."
"But I'm an at-risk partner," said Harry. "You didn't exactly wear a surgical mask and gloves. I'm just saying that you took a chance with me that I don't think you were ready to take."
"I'm not asking now. Come sit down," she demanded. "I'm not going to hear any more of this….this guilt. I did what I did because I love you. You're right. But I told you why. I wanted an orgasm for once with a live human being making it happen. And, if I love you enough for it to be you and I love you enough to make sure that I wasn't selfish, you don't need to question my motives."
She touched his hand as he set her mug of tea on the table. "You sound like me in one of my anxiety states, Harry. I don't know what makes you act that way."
"I didn't stop sleeping with girls in June because I was tired of having sex with meaningless partners or because the Creevey brothers showed up unexpectedly when I was dating Dianna. I suddenly found a conscience and I didn't like what I saw. That's why." Harry said with a sound of self-loathing.
"Harry, you must have a God-complex or something. Do you think you need to be perfect? Or that you should be able to cure the pain in everyone's life? Or save them from Dementors? Or…Do you think that I never lie? You're right I don't feel good about hiding on the Hogwarts grounds with Viktor. But at the time, it felt sort of like last night. Is that the kind of detail you want? I can give you more." asked Hermione with a red face and tears streaming down her face.
"Do you want to tell me that you had two girls at once? I heard that rumor. Or, maybe that one girl said that you had…Oh, I'm not going to say it. It's not gross really, but it was the act of a man who wanted to relieve his sexual desire with a woman in anyway he could get away with," said Hermione. "I don't regret last night. I don't think you're a great lover because of your experience. I don't think you're the monster you want to pretend to be either. I think you're my lover because I love you and I know you love me." She was not angry but there was no softness or tenderness to what she said. She was being brutally honest.
Harry felt better in an odd sort of way. He'd not expected the torrent of words from Hermione. He just felt better. "What will we do if Romilda, Bena, or Cassie comes with their hand out to feed a baby? And, what about those who have left and may not have said anything?"
"And, what if, ifs and buts were candy and nuts; would everyday be Christmas?" asked Hermione. "My time to worry about all that is in the past for now. If it happens I don't know how I'll react? Do you want me to marry Viktor then? According to you and this logic, they could come back when their children are ready for University." She laughed.
A dark look passed over her face. "Or are you doing to me what you've done to everyone else? Are you done with me now? You can't stand yourself, so you'll make me suffer too?" she asked. "I refuse to buy it. Unlike them, I will kill you first." She laughed at herself. "Now you have me acting ridiculous. This whole conversation is ridiculous."
Hermione got up and walked to the door. Then she walked back and kissed him and put his head to her chest. "Hear that. That's the heart of a woman who is going to leave you sitting in self-pity and loathing. I'm going to go home and change clothes. I'm going to go tell, Marlie that the man I love finally admitted he loved me more than anyone he's ever known. If her boyfriend and his brother find out, then I'll tell them the truth. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let you tell me that the man I love is unworthy. I'm not going to listen to it-even if it means I'm as stupid as some of the misguided girls he's known."
She got up and walked to the door again. "I love you. You know where I live so, it's up to you. I'm not talking to you until you apologize for making me even think I was one of your bimbos. I don't believe I am but if you want to pretend then I'll act like it. If you want me, you're going to have to pluck up the courage to say so all over again. I see how you sabotage relationships now."
The door closed and he was alone. He sat wondering why he didn't stop her and apologize right there. Everything he felt and did for the last twenty-four hours was to avoid this very thing from every happening again in his life. He remembered Hermione saying that `If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.' Is that why he sat here now? Was he only good at seducing women and playing the heartstring guitar until they wanted to stay and join the band? Did he like being a solo act so much that he'd even screw this up?
No one who saw them the since he got to Hermione's house last night would ever believe that he could be where he was right now. It was like a poorly written script that changed things simply to add intrigue to a story that was too good to be true. But he had been honest. He felt unworthy. He'd let himself think about asking her to marry him. He almost did it lying in bed last night. He even felt good until they finished working outside this morning. Did Hermione overreact? Or was she right and he wanted her to reverse the tables on him so he didn't have to live with the pressure of an everyday, all-day relationship? What kind of idiot lets that happen? Something must be wrong with him, he thought.
He contemplated showering again and going to Hermione's. He had been ridiculously adamant about the what-ifs. He had enough money in Gringott's to handle it if all they wanted was money. His stomach turned when he realized he'd just walk away feeling satisfied to have paid off the mother of his child. He knew that wasn't true. Hermione was probably right though. He wasn't picking up girls outside of Hogwarts who had no access to birth control or who weren't savvy enough to realize the consequences. He laughed at himself. She was right. None had been virgins to begin with. That was the one thing that he needed to remember too. It wasn't like he was convincing girls that they were the only one for him and taking their innocence. "I am so fucked up. I don't know my arse from a hole in the ground."
He realized that was the problem. He went back to the week before at Hermione's when they'd shaken hands. "Hi, I'm Harry Potter and I have a commitment problem." She'd done the same thing. She'd done it to be funny. He'd done it because he was telling the truth. He loved Hermione. Every second he was with her, he knew it. The joy he felt at being with a woman who pleased him willingly, but took control of herself and wouldn't have allowed him to force her to demean herself. She would have kicked him out if he'd have tried to have intercourse with her. She was sure of herself. He loved her. Now, he was scared. Before now, he just couldn't be bothered with girls who were proving to be a dime a dozen in his eyes. This one wasn't going to let him be a prat with her. If he was, he'd be doing what he was doing now-even if she loved him with all her heart.
He got up, showered and dressed. He didn't dress like he did the night before, but he did wear the new jeans and a new shirt. He knew that Hermione would not have said what she said without meaning it. She'd accept his apology and they could move on. He arrived at her door around six, but it was dark. There was no answer. He remembered that she was going to tell Marlie. He would go to the Burrow.
He didn't like going places unannounced but this was an occasion that called for it. He was far enough away to allow him to see if anyone was at home without being close enough to intrude on a private moment for Ginny and Neville or Marlie and George. The house was empty. They were out. He thought about Diagon Alley but Sundays were an early day for the merchants there as most wizard families stayed home Sunday evening to cook and spend time as a unit.
He went back to Hogwarts and walked around the ward to see if Marlie were there. He asked the young nurse that filled in for Madame Pomfrey only on Sunday nights if she'd seen either Marlie or Hermione. She hadn't.
Harry was at a loss. Of course, if Hermione had looked for him on the two nights he'd gone out this week, she wouldn't have found him either. He'd been on the verge of panic for a moment. He tried to empty his mind of the negative talk that kept him still singing the `why do you want me' song. He knew that he wasn't as bad as he felt sometimes. The biggest indicator was that Hermione was his friend. If he thought she was so worthy then the mere fact she was with him should be enough. Why didn't that make him feel better? But it did make him feel better, didn't it?
Finally, he gave up the chase. He realized he could be just moments behind her. She could be back home by now. He'd go back there one more time before he went home. He thought he just needed to clear his mind first. Once he arrived at the gates to Hogwarts he Disapparated to the place that he remembered the revelation that no one could come between them. He felt it was a magic moment between them. Maybe he could remember that feeling again.
He walked along the boardwalk. He knew that he'd be okay if he just let himself be happy. He felt sadness sometimes that he couldn't explain. It didn't last long but it lasted long enough to know he felt it very strongly. Her scent filled his memory as he envisioned her lying atop him this morning. He loved her he knew, but how could he let her say all she said without one word to stop her before she left him. He didn't contradict one thing she said. They had to get through this he thought.
He Apparated just ten or fifteen paces from her door. It was dark still and now he was sure she'd gone out with Marlie and the twins or was somewhere thinking where she knew she could be alone. He'd just done the same thing, so it was possible.
He walked slowly back toward the hut. The evening air was crisp again. He was walking with his head down thinking for a couple reasons. One, he wasn't real happy and the other was that he knew there were gopher holes between the road and the hut. But there was nothing he could bump into. Yet all of a sudden, something grabbed him and held him. His heart pounded for that split second of terror until he realized it was Hermione. She'd left the door open to the hut and run headlong toward him.
"Harry, where have you been?" she asked. "I've been worried sick."
"I was looking for you," he said in a stunned tone. "To apologize."
"Well, about that. We need to talk," she said. "I should apologize first for lying to you. A lie isn't a lie until you try to tell it the second time to convince someone. I realized when I was talking to Marlie that I was bothered by your past and I was lying to you and me. But telling you off kind of cleared my conscience."
"Okay, wait. I can't let you just go on again like this afternoon. Apology accepted. I just wanted to apologize too remember. This is a two-way street. Neither of us is perfect. You should still be mad at me for not realizing all that I learned about us last night. I should have been better about thinking of what I wanted to say first," said Harry.
"I brought my pajamas, Harry," she said with a smile. "Don't get any funny ideas. I did it because I think we need to talk this out and I trust you to be a gentleman. If we're going to fight, we're going to learn to fight fair. No one is the bad guy until we agree who it is. So don't start taking all the credit or blame," said Hermione.
"Marlie's idea?" asked Harry.
"Yes and she has about three tea cups of my tears from the last three hours. George and Fred wanted to kill themselves listening to me. So, if I put them out to figure out what to do, then we can work on it."
Harry let Fang out. Every now and again he'd let him out when he had someone over and let him in again in the morning. Today was one of those. He and Hermione made tea and sat exchanging their thoughts instead of ranting.
"So, we're going to keep going, just like we were before this all came up this afternoon, right Harry?" she asked crawling under the covers next to him.
"I'm willing to give it a go," he said as her hand touched his. "Look, I'm not used to sleeping with a girl all night. Maybe that was part of it too."
"Well, get over it. Harry, we know we both have problems. Mine is that I'm in love with you and yours is that you're in love with me. The difference is that I feel like I deserve to be happy and for some reason, you don't. We're going to find out why." Hermione rolled over and kissed him then went back to lying on her back.
"I don't understand how I can be so happy one minute and so disgusted with myself the next. It's not like that really…not moment to moment…but something gets me going that way and then it takes time to shake it," he said.
"You are happy I'm here I can tell that, but you're not bursting at the seams like you were last night or even last week. I can tell a difference. I don't think I've ever been around when you have changed from one to the other--maybe from sad to happy, but never the other way around," she said. "But we'll stick together and find out why it happens."
"I'm going to shut off the light, okay?" asked Harry.
"Sure, I know I'm just annoying you now, I can tell. Go to sleep," said Hermione.
"I really do love you, you know. Even if right now I seem distant. I want you in my life," he said as he turned off the light. He didn't care if the sobbing tone of his voice came through.
"I know you do, Harry. That's why I'm still here," said Hermione
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