Love Hurts-Chapter 9
It had taken a few days but Hermione and Harry seemed to return to the fun-loving banter that had started them on the road to a promising relationship. But as Harry lay sleeping in Hermione's room one afternoon in early November, Hermione and Marlie talked about Hogwarts and what was going on between Harry and Hermione. They rarely discussed it at much length at work, there was too much to do with school in full swing and the daily cases of teenage angst creating one drama after another, especially since Hermione had taken the previous week off to help Harry finish the additions to the hut.
"So, when you were off last Saturday, this fifth-year Jason came in with a blister on his hand. I started treating the normal way we do, you know soaking it and trying to get the water out of it to make it less painful. I asked him what happened while he sat there. Hermione, he turned scarlet," said Marlie.
"His ex-girlfriend was so mad at him that she took Bubotuberpus and disguised it as his hair gel," said Marlie. "Is that mean or what?"
"I wonder why she was so mad?" asked Hermione.
"Well, we've seen this a dozen times right. Really, no big deal. One person gets mad at another and does something silly to them. But the story doesn't end there. I fixed him up and he goes back for revenge. He figures what's good for the goose is good for the gander. This Saturday, after a week of preparation, he's set up a date with her to apologize for breaking up with her. Then he starts the rumor that he's going to ask her to go with him again. Well, remember the time you took Polyjuice and turned into the cat," said Marlie.
"Oh, my, God." Hermione's face turned pink. "He didn't."
"Oh, but he wasn't nice enough to make it a cat or something like that. He took a hair from Fang during one of Harry's classes and got the Polyjuice on the black market. She's now stuck with big floppy ears hanging down to her boobs, a huge snout and drooling like a huge boar hound. They're both going to be suspended on Monday until after the break. Professor McGonagall believes that they'll both get over their anger with a month apart," said Marlie. "So how was your week off with Harry?"
"Well as you can tell he's been working hard to get his place ready. He won't let me go this weekend because he says the surprise part for me is being finished. He's so much better when he's working hard and has too little time to think about things," said Hermione.
"That's nice. But how are you two getting on together?" asked Marlie.
Harry had just mentioned to Hermione how much he liked that Marlie didn't really pry. She'd always ask questions that didn't make you answer in specifics, like `How's your love life?' or `Have had the dreams about Voldemort lately?' Hermione agreed and said it was the reason she liked having her over when they were off on the same days now. This was a rare occasion that both of them were off while Hermione was on holiday.
"Good. I keep trying to get him to see that professor you rave about--the one who is a muggle-born wizard. But he's not so sure that he wants to open up those wounds any more than he has," said Hermione.
"I think he still thinks it's guilt over being a promiscuous prat," giggled Marlie. "You know I mean that in a joking and loving way right. I don't think that he understood that he was so sad sometimes that he sought out something that gave him temporary relief from his loneliness," said Marlie.
"I've begun to see a change in that though, Marl. He doesn't obsess so much about that when he's talking about stuff. We rarely mention it after we had it out that first time. But Viktor has come back once and we had to pretend to be our old selves so the rumors remained rumors," said Hermione.
"Yeah, I think it's a good idea to let people wonder why you guys see each other more without telling them of you plans. You guys always made eyes at each other when you were together so that's not different at all. And, people could really care less about your lives if it's not a public news bulletin," said Marlie. Hermione laughed.
"Tell me about it," said Hermione sipping her tea.
"But what about Viktor, hon?" asked Marlie.
"I don't know what you mean," said Hermione at first and then thought about the question. "Oh, you mean how that affected us. Well, Harry said he'd rather that I told Viktor to quit coming around without sending an owl."
"Whoa, that didn't sound like he simply said, `Tell him to send an owl first.'"
"Well, no, he didn't. He said, `I made it clear to people I don't want in my life that I don't want to see them, the least you could do is tell, Viktor the same thing. Or, at the very least tell him to send an owl first.' I agreed with him and sent an owl right off telling Viktor I didn't want to see him. There is still no reply," said Hermione. "I did what he asked, but he brooded for a few days. Wait you used his words. Marlie, what's going on?" Hermione had a look of shock and bewilderment that Marlie had slipped up like that.
"I apologize for not hiding what I knew. But I wanted to see if you remembered how he said it. He's jealous of Viktor, but not in a green-eyed monster way. But he's jealous nonetheless," said Marlie.
"Is it about that Viktor still dotes on me? What is it?" asked Hermione honestly.
"He still thinks of you being with Viktor when he comes around. Remember he's had girls come around that were fine until he talked with them for a while and old feelings rushed back in and forced him to deal with them again," said Marlie. "He's the only lover you've had other than Viktor that he knows so it sticks in his mind."
"Is this going to hang over us forever, Marlie?" asked Hermione. "I have gotten over a lot of the anger that he never saw me like he saw them. I realize I didn't want to be treated like that, but how had he not seen my feelings for him. I know he still thinks that if he and Ron had been more attentive I wouldn't have gone with Viktor."
"Well, that's it I think. He understands that a woman has needs like a man does and that they pursue them differently, but he thinks of how lonely you must have been to want to give up your virginity to a guy who you might never see again," said Marlie. "He feels the jealousy because it would be easier to think of Viktor as being like him-someone who used women for sex. But he sees that he probably really cared for you. That makes Viktor his equal as far as lovers in your life."
"He doesn't think that I still have a thing for him though. That makes no sense. I'm with Harry and I've told him things that Viktor will never know and I wouldn't ever share with him," said Hermione.
"That's where the guilt comes in Hermione. He doesn't associate his obsession with sex over relationships as being a reaction to needing something in his life. He thinks he's just an oversexed jerk and that one day, you'll want a man who can commit without all that baggage," said Marlie.
"Baggage? Viktor's exploits probably would put Harry's to shame. He's all over the world. He's a rock star in the Quidditch world. He wants me to be his arm candy. He loves me sure. It think that's true, but his commitment is to having a steady sex partner. That's what Viktor is all about. Harry can't see that?"
"Not when you threw the comment of `What? Should I marry Viktor then?' or something like that," said Marlie. "Do you know what that said to him? I'll tell you before you imagine something more catastrophic than it is. He imagines that Viktor is an alternative that might be better than him if you think he's a nice guy. Nothing more or nothing less. He doesn't see you as wanting Viktor, but he hears those words anyway. He doesn't think you lie to him about not having any feelings for Viktor is what I mean to say. But he wonders if it wouldn't be better sometimes."
"Okay, now I'm upset and I want to know where you're getting this from," demanded Hermione. "I'm sorry but now I don't feel so good about me and that is all I have. I didn't mean it that way and you know it. But now I'm afraid to let you leave here without telling me everything you know. You can't keep prodding me for information it would take forever to get what you know out. I'll fill in gaps as you go. Please don't let Harry wake up before we finish."
"You know I'm a legilimens, right? I don't do it on purpose but sometimes when I hear words that don't tell the whole story I forget that I'm doing it. I listen extra close and I actually see what someone is thinking. That's why I'm still a student. I need to learn not to invade people's minds unless I have their permission or without meaning to do it," said Marlie.
"Okay, I knew you could do that but I didn't know that it was that kind of thing. So, you saw that I'd left out part of the conversation with Viktor on purpose?" she asked.
"Yes. Anyway, here's what I think. This is quick and dirty so we finish without him hearing. He fell apart when you left him after the Great War. You were the only living, breathing person he trusted left in his world. He considers Ron in another one. I don't know if it was love or not. That wasn't clear. But what is definitely at play was that he needed someone with a kind touch to fill in that womanly influence. One after another disappointment led to sadness, but no change in behavior. He had to find the one who would fill in your place. Following so far?" Marlie paused for Hermione's answer.
"Whoa, that's a bit of a stretch since he was sleeping with them and I definitely wasn't then," said Hermione.
"Skip that part of what was going on. That was just what ended up happening with them. Their concern for him only got close to the feeling of acceptance he got from you when they joked and kidded before they slept together. The fact that he was a `mini-rock star' to kind of use your phrase meant he didn't have to say or do much to have a girl please him. We both know orgasm is a pretty healthy jolt for the psyche. It makes you feel worthwhile, fulfilled-even masturbation does that for a while. But why would he go home and fantasize when he knew he could probably live a few of fantasies with people all to willing to see what Harry Potter was all about. Before you put on the guilty face for too long, it started way before you."
"Abandonment happened at one year old for him. He lived in a house that didn't acknowledge his existence. The first girl he ever had a real crush on emotionally abandoned him when she found he wasn't a replacement for Cedric. Then he abandoned Ginny to get even. She wanted him so he made someone else feel how he felt. He didn't do that on purpose, really, because it was time to move on to the prophecy, but he could have come back to her. That's when it became abandonment. She saw him screwing everything that moved and he never came for her. I think if he took satisfaction in that when she didn't come to his rescue right away when you left. That's not clear why either."
The tears filled Hermione's eyes so fast she couldn't stop them from dripping like huge raindrops on her sweater. "So, he just kept doing what made him feel good."
"Well, until it became an excitement/guilt cycle. He didn't go looking for the next girl, but if she was cute and showed any interest, then he'd pursue until he got all he could get without taking a chance that she'd abandon him too. Some girls were not good matches and those didn't fit there. The no guilt sex was the rawest probably. He had no regard for them in any meaningful way so he got what he could regardless of planning for it. In other words, he had his high-risk behaviors with them. He only started realizing that when he caught that girl in June claiming she was pregnant so he'd take her back. Well, she had her period one night while she was there and he confronted her," said Marlie. "I'm not sure you don't know the rest already."
"He could tease me all the time and take it to the point we'd jump each other's bones but unless I gave the signal he wasn't going to do it," said Hermione shaking her head. "So, when I took the initiative that night, it was really the last thing he needed. He needed to be the one to ask me for sex to keep it from being a repeat in his warped world," recognized Hermione. "I wanted sex with the man I love but in a very randy sort of way to spice up the experience. I thought that he would understand and find it sexy, but it was just a repeat in one way but so much more in another." She sat with her hands over her mouth like she was praying.
"You two love each other. You'll work that out. The plea for getting rid of Viktor was simply confirmation that you were with him for the long haul. But doubt in your own worthiness is a difficult thing to get rid of. The real problem you face is the reasons he needs someone so bad after the battle with Voldemort?" concluded Marlie. "That's where I'm out of my league. I had to block those thoughts from my mind. It scared the ever-living daylights out of me."
"So how do I convince him that I won't abandon him so he can stop shutting me out when he feels bad?" asked Hermione.
"That's the trick isn't it? I wouldn't have found all this out through talking to him and you for years if I'd waited to get clues for the next question to ask. That's the only advantage to being a witch with this gift. So, I don't feel bad that I pressed the issue. A lot of what I've told you he's never said nor was it in his head. If he knew of his problem he would do something about it. That's where my training in psychology finally had some meaning," said Marlie. "So, some is conjecture but I've thought a lot about it and I'm certain of two parts. He feels that he has been reckless and any man who could make babies and could be abandoned was the lowest form of scum. And, you are too good a person to be put through the drama of his mistakes, therefore he's unworthy of you."
"So he loves me so much that I'm both a symbol of is greatest success and his greatest failure," said Hermione. "He started talking about babies that night and I made a joke out of it."
She was crying so hard now that she heard Harry stir. "I'm going outside for a minute."
She wiped her eyes and realized he'd just rolled over. She sat down.
"What's the answer? I asked you before," said Hermione.
"The answer is to endure his pain with him and every time it rears its ugly head beat it with whatever love you have in your heart," said Marlie. "Teach him as you are doing now that you're not looking to leave. Remember why I told you to get back there quick that day?" asked Marlie.
"To keep him from convincing himself that he was right, that's what I had to do. I had to show him I loved him even when I truly disliked the way he was acting. I remember crying like this then too. It was so hard to go back and lay in bed next to him when I thought he might kick me out," said Hermione. "I had to believe even though it was hard to at that moment."
"Do you believe now?" asked Marlie.
"I believed the moment he went to put out that light. He told me he loved me and said he wanted me in his life. It's one thing to love someone and another to say that the way he did," she reflected. "It's going to take time like we originally thought. It wasn't that we were like an old couple who'd lost the passion. It was like we were just doing a really twisted mating dance."
"That's about the size of it," said Marlie. "Look, George is going to be home soon. He's coming to my place tonight." She raised her eyebrows. "I'd tell you for what but I think you know."
"Do you love him, Marlie?" asked Hermione.
"With all my heart, Hermione. Yes I do." She said with a smile.
"Good bye, then"
"Yep, you cook him a nice dinner and see if that doesn't brighten his spirits," said Marlie.
"That's a good idea, I'm starving anyway," Hermione smiled and wiped her eyes again.
Hermione shuffled around the kitchen chopping up the ingredients for a good spaghetti dinner. He liked her spaghetti, but she had to hurry before he found out that part of the sauce was from a jar. With the pasta boiling and the sauce simmering she went in and laid down next to him.
"Harry, Sweetheart. I'm making spaghetti. Are you hungry?" she asked.
He stirred at her touch and voice. His mouth moved the way a person's does when they just wake up and they feel like they just ate a cotton ball. His eyes cracked open slightly. "Hi, did you say spaghetti?"
"Yep, sure did." She answered.
"I'm starved," he reached for his glasses. "It feels nice to be woken up like that. Well, waking up sucks but not when you see a pretty face like yours first thing." He winked and sat up next to her. "How long was I out?"
"Oh, few hours at least," replied Hermione.
"Did Marlie leave?" he asked.
"Yeah, she left a little while ago," said Hermione.
"Oh good, she stayed awhile and kept you company. I hate when I come over tired like this and just crash out. But the house is almost done. Couldn't do much today," he added.
"Well, wake up Sweetie and I'll have dinner ready in a jiffy," said Hermione standing using his shoulder to get up.
He wrapped his arms around her waist for a second and stood up with her. "Hermione, thanks." He kissed her sweetly and smiled. "I'm going to make you happy one day."
"Sorry, should have brushed my teeth before I kissed you," he said as an after thought.
"I don't know how you're going to make me happier than I am right now," she said.
"Well, hold on to your socks then," he smiled and patted her on the bum to shuffle her off to the kitchen. "I'll be out in a minute."
He listened to the sound of the water in the sink as he looked at his face in the mirror. "Alright, Harry. Time to pony up, she's the one. Don't talk yourself out of it."
He opened the door and looked down the short hall. She stood there in her jeans looking as good as he ever had. His stomach felt all aflutter. He had had plenty of time to decide. She'd finally told Viktor to leave her alone. He stepped back in the bathroom.
"Not yet. Dammit, how hard can this be," he said looking in the mirror again.
"Everything okay, Harry. I thought I heard you coming out." She called to him.
"Yeah, just another minute. I want to so bad. Why can't I just say it?" he shook his head.
He opened the door again and walked out and nestled his cheek into her neck and wrapped his hands around her waist. "How's that for a distraction?"
Hermione closed her eyes to absorb the rush of excitement to feel him touch her with excitement again. "Good thing, I'm not holding anything hot or I'd be sorry now."
"I'm holding something hot and I'm not sorry," he whispered.
It had been a month or more for her. Her response to him showed it too, "So, are you leaning toward eating spaghetti or maybe me?"
He whispered. "If you feed me spaghetti, I'll be too lazy to eat you, my pretty." He said with a diabolical laugh. He felt so comfortable teasing. It was fun again.
"Well, unless you tell me I'm the main course all you'll get is spaghetti," she said with a giggle.
"Ah, there's the Hermione I remember," he said with smile. "When I decide to have you for dinner there will be nothing but left but a little quivering flesh and bare bones."
"Sounds like an awful lot to promise," she said. "Parmesan or Romano?"
"Romano," he smiled and sat down. He wanted to take her right then fulfill his promise, but he'd made himself one. He wouldn't do that until he was ready to ask her for her hand in marriage. And for the third time this week, he'd chickened out.
"So what did you guys talk about?" asked Harry.
"Sex," said Hermione with a wink.
He didn't take the bait. "And what else?"
"Sex," said Hermione.
"Come on," he said.
"No, she's going home right now to twist George in knots," she said smiling.
"Oh, I see the joke. You don't want to say, so you used just a part of the truth," said Harry. "So what's the big secret?"
"I'll have to get back to you on that," she said with a smile.
"Were you guys talking about me?" he asked.
"Why were your ears burning when you woke up?" she giggled. "Of course, we were silly. What do women talk about besides men and shopping?"
"Sex apparently?" he smiled. "Or the lack of it?"
"Oh, don't think I was complaining. Although I do remember once when I thought I was going to start getting laid more often and then nothing," she teased.
"I know Sweetheart, I'm working on it," said Harry. "I don't want to flake out on you again."
"Why do you have such a hard time with me?" asked Hermione.
"Honestly, I don't know. It's certainly not that I don't think you're hot," said Harry twisting the spaghetti around his fork.
"Well, when you're ready to talk about it or to just drop all pretenses, I am too," she said.
"But when you're ready. I'm not going anywhere."
"That's why I love you," said Harry. "I don't know how you know that's the right way to feel, but it is. God, I love you for that."
He felt like that should have been the moment, but he needed time. Why had those words meant so much?
"Is the spaghetti good?" she asked.
"Wonderful, but not as good as the company," he said with a smile.
She touched his hand. He stared in her eyes.
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