She Says
Chapter Four: I Hope You Know
Author: ItsLily2u (call me Meg)
And when she said she wants somebody else
I hope you know
That she doesn't mean you
--She Says, by Howie Day
&
Lily pulled her hair back into a ponytail, wiggling down deeper into the cozy armchair. She could possibly stay here all night. She glanced around the common room as she tugged a band around her copper curls, quite thankful the room was partially empty. She preferred it that way.
Fanny and Elyse were somewhere around, probably trying to finish up that incredibly difficult Defense essay, though it was more likely that they were doing something goofy and pointless, like playing Gobstones again. Eurgh, Lily could never see why people liked that game so much. The liquid stunk for hours and burned your eyes if it got in them.
The common room was oddly empty of the four Marauders. Lily found this shocking because the boys loved to be around people--thrived off the attention. Sirius did, at least. And Potter, that narcissistic git.
Merlin.
Lily's eyes darkened as she remembered their conversation Sunday evening. They'd actually had a decent day--she'd seen him, he'd held the door open for her (and her friends), they'd eaten dinner sitting next to each other and he'd not thrown himself next to her, he'd been civil, polite, and knowledgeable all through the Head Meeting, and they'd had almost an entire conversation worth remembering. But then…
Just when she thought he may have grown up some, he had to ruin it. She gave him some credit--he no longer called her "Evans" in that childlike manner (though she did still call him Potter, Merlin only knew why), and, now that she thought about it, he hadn't asked her out yet since that one time near the end of sixth year. But still! He'd dashed it all by reminding her how famous his family was, and rich. By reminding her everyone thought of her as boring, and of him as fun-loving and brilliant. By reminding her that her boyfriend had broken up with her five days ago with one of the lamest excuses she (or her friends) had ever heard. By reminding her he was a pureblood, and she wasn't. By reminding her he had those obvious advantages over her, no matter how she might try… By reminding her how stubborn and arrogant he truly was, even if she had forgotten it all for a little while.
And ever since that night, he'd followed her around (like in the old days, she thought dryly), presumably to apologize. But he wouldn't know what to apologize for, would he? Someone with an ego like his wouldn't recognize the signs. He was hopeless.
So Lily had ignored him, basically, much like she had in years before. If he came walking up, she would go another way, just for fun; sometime he saw her disappear, sometimes not. She, for one, did not care either way. If he spoke to her, she replied, but all answers were terse, pointed, and gave nothing away. He had to be getting the point. She knew his poor friends were.
She was nice enough to them.
With a sigh, Lily heaved herself from her armchair. Sure, it would be lovely to stay there by the fire all evening, but… Apparently, it kept her thoughts on Potter.
And that was just too much.
She waved at Fanny, telling her she was going to the kitchens, since she'd missed dinner, and disappeared though the portrait hole without waiting for an answer.
Fanny waited a moment, then laughed. "I must say, I do wonder what goes through her mind sometimes."
Laughing quietly, she went back to her game of chess with Marianne, with Elyse watching with interest.
Fanny could sometimes understand boys: they were pretty unpredictable, she understood that. Sometimes, they wanted one thing, sometimes another. She just learned to bat her sooty eyelashes and smile prettily-- it worked generally well, to get whatever she wanted, but she still didn't fully understand boys, except that they broke hearts.
She usually understood Lily. She wasn't too hard to get, you just had to listen to the thing she said, dig for a deeper meaning, and call her upon them later. You had to shake things up every now and again, and be mischievous. It's just how Lily liked it best, though no one saw that side of her. Yes, for being her best friend after seven years, Fanny thought she understood Lily fairly well.
Now, take chess. It was Fanny's expertise. She understood chess. It was solid--predictable--and very, very strategic. You just had to know your pieces, their strengths (and weaknesses), and how to direct your troops.
If only life were so easy.
"Look, it's James Potter--and he's looking for someone," Elyse said suddenly. She smiled devilishly up at the lost Marauder. "A galleon says it's a certain red-headed friend of ours."
Mary giggled. "You're on. It's probably just a book he's after. Or Black."
"No, the others are all in the dorm, I saw them all go up," Fanny whispered, joining her friends in watching James scan the room.
"Call him over," Elyse giggled behind her hand.
"Oi! Potter!" Fanny smirked. "Have you gotten lost? Or are you looking for something?" She quirked an eyebrow playfully. "Or quite possibly-- someone?"
James crossed the room, cutting through a group of wide-eyed, ribbon-clad fourth years who eyed him hopefully. He didn't notice. "What makes you say that?" He asked it as a legitimate question, almost looking guilty.
Fanny shrugged, still smiling. "Dunno. Just guessin'."
"'Kay. Yeah. I am, then." He looked shy.
"A someone or a something?" Mary jumped up in her seat, laughter in her voice.
"Well. A someone, I suppose." Suddenly, James looked up, grinning handsomely. "She's 'bout this tall," He held his hand up. "With green eyes, red hair. Head Girl. Very charming sort of lass. Avoiding me like the plague as of late. Seen her?"
Elyse cackled, her eyes sparkling. "Yes!" Mary shot her a look, knowing her exclamation had more to do with the fact that she won a galleon.
"She went for a walk," Fanny supplied, smiling at him knowingly.
He looked crestfallen. "Oh." He'd never find her in the castle--it was far too big. There was no telling where she went, or how long she'd be gone.
"To the kitchens." she finished, at his look. She liked this Potter, though she wasn't sure why. He seemed genuine… And she didn't believe that waffle about him and other girls. There was no way. He was obviously smitten with Lily. Hogwarts had lots of people who liked to spread rumors, that's all. "She left… about ten minutes ago. Should be getting there, just about… now."
"Oh! Thank you, Fanny!" He flashed them each the trademark Potter grin--lopsided, bright, definitive--complete with sparkling hazel eyes. The three were taken aback.
"Wha--?"
"Wow,"
"Merlin--"
They watched him sprint to the portrait hole--then turn back-- "Fanny, just move your bishop and it's a checkmate! I so owe you!"
Mary blinked, looking down at the chess board. "Urgh, Lily's so lucky, and doesn't even realize it."
"Yet. Doesn't realized it yet." Fanny corrected. But she'd help her get there. This would be one of those mischievous things that Fanny did that Lily would love to do… it would just be a while until she figured it out. Any bloke was worth it if he knew chess better than Fanny.
"Do you think every guy smiled like that when he talks about his girl? Or is it just James? Because… damn." Elyse blinked.
The three girls sat in silence for a moment, contemplating this, staring at the portrait hole. "Just James," they all three said at once.
Fanny laughed, then prodded her bishop to move out of the way. Of course.
*
"Hi. Hello. How are you. Lovely evening, isn't it? Evans? No! It's Lily! Lily! Argh!" James threw his hands to his hair, pausing for just a moment before he went to the kitchens. "I should not call her Evans." He smiled, pretending to greet the love of his life. "All right, Lily?"
"It's best if you don't practice."
James whipped around, jumping nearly a foot into the air, his stomach flopping. Dear Merlin!
But it was only a portrait of a witch, about two meters away from his post. She had brown hair in perfect curls and smile at him with straight white teeth.
"Oh, yeah?" But she was a pretty witch. For a moment, James had imagined he'd been caught by none other than the illustrious Ms. Evans.
"Just trust me," She winked and edged out of her portrait.
"Hm." Maybe she was right. Ick.
Without another moment's hesitation, James turned back towards the kitchens. He'd been close to the corridor, but had stopped just before he got there, to "practice" what to say to Ev-- erm. Lily.
He'd only just started to take the left that would lead him--eventually--to the kitchens when a timid voice called out to him.
"Potter?"
He felt his heart skip a beat.
She was coming from the direction of the dungeons… He eyed her curiously.
"What're you doing?" they said at once.
Lily blushed. "I just turned down this corridor and I heard footsteps. I turned back and saw you… I was going for a walk. I now it's odd, but… I almost like the dungeons, in a… mad--" James was highly tempted to say kinky, but didn't think Lily would appreciate it much. "different sort of way. It's not like the rest of the castle. My friends would laugh." She smiled slightly, looking at the stone floor. "But what are you doing down here?" Slowly, green eyes met hazel. She twirled a piece of her coppery hair, almost nervously.
"Kitchens…" he said, which was half-truthful. After you, he added mentally.
"Ah." She smiled.
"Would you like to… join me?" He was spared by embarrassing stutters or mumbles in his request this time. He smiled, feeling better.
"Well," She hesitated. "I, erm…"
He should've known she would say no. She was still mad… for whatever reason, even if she wasn't steaming at him right now. He cut her off right away.
"Lily, I want to apologize." This shocked her. "We both know I don't know what I said Sunday that made you angry, but I want to… apologize all the same. I didn't mean to offend you and make you run off. I was just trying to talk to you. Really." He look her straight in the eye, hoping she believed him. She had to. He really did mean it.
Lily stared into his eyes for a moment, then looked over the rest of his face; her features relaxed. "No, Potter, I should be apologizing." She reached over to touch the wall, running her fingers over the cool stones, as if to have something to do with her hand.
James nearly fell over in shock. What?
"You're right. We shouldn't fight. We're seventh years, practically adults. We're the years Heads. It's just hard admitting when you're wrong, you know? I guess we just need get over our old differences, because I don't think they're still our differences anymore." She smiled, dropping her arm to her side. He blinked, realized it was the first real smile ever directed at him. He'd received his first Lily Evans smile. "I'm actually," she laughed quietly, "every bit as stubborn and persistent as you."
They stood there for another moment or two, Lily smiling, James trying to recover shock.
"Right, then. I'll accompany you to the kitchens, then, shall I?" She supplied after letting the impact of her confession sink in properly. She eyed him closely.
The look of astonishment faded, in place of a moment of uncomfortable shifting. Lily smiled.
"Well. I," James blinked, his mind working furiously quick, or trying to. He was bloody miraculous when it came to making up lies! He'd done it a thousand times before with his mates, he'd had to, to protect the reputation of the Marauders! Why wasn't it working now? "Erm. I had no, ah… intention… of eating." He knew why. Because it was Lily Evans, the only girl he'd ever really thought was pretty, or intelligent, or amazing, or anything, really. He knew that.
Lily raised her eyebrows with a slight smile, looking as though she rather enjoyed seeing him at a loss for words. "Oh, so you came all the way down here, to…" She left the sentence hanging, waiting for James to complete it.
"See someone." He sputtered. Why couldn't he just lie?
"Really? Hmm. Like…? Like Slughorn? The Slytherins? Like--"
"The house-elves!"
Lily bit her lip to keep from laughing. "That's nice of you. I didn't know anyone else went there to keep them company sometimes. Do all the Marauders go?"
"Oh. Yeah." He looked relieved, though worried that she might not believe him. "Of course."
Lily rolled her eyes, but laughed loudly. "You're ridiculous, James Potter."
James smiled a wide, comfortable smile. He hadn't even come close to tricking her, but for once, it didn't matter.
*
The two walked in silence, to James's slight disappointment, but it wasn't the kind of silence that you wish your way out of… Even though he did wish they were talking--about anything--he didn't try. He wouldn't push it just yet… He didn't want any repeats of Sunday.
He was too bloody close to being her friend.
They had just passed the potions corridor (and the one that led to the Slytherin Corridor, not that James knew where that was) when Lily broke the silence.
"So…" She glanced up at James, looking timid. "You're dad's an auror, right? Tell me what your mum does. Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
James smiled slowly. She was asking about his family. Wasn't she?
"Well… I'm an only child… And mum, she's a healer--only she does independent study, finding cures for hexes and curses and such. She just likes to help people… She's really good at it. I've always thought--" he stopped suddenly, looking hurriedly at Lily. I've always thought you were just like her… He added, to himself. But he couldn't say this to her.
"What have you always thought?" Lily asked curiously, pausing to look in an empty classroom. James watched her, thinking how innocent she looked peering around the corner, her hands clasped girlishly behind her back, her long hair spilling over her petite shoulders. He suddenly felt protective of this enticing entity that was Lily.
James smiled weakly at Lily's back; she turned to look at him with interest. "Oh, erm, nothing… My parents were Head Boy and Girl in their day. It's how they met." He grinned now, thinking of his parents. Before their seventh year, they'd not ever spoken to each other--because his mum loathed his father so much. Today, they were in love more than ever.
"Really? They were in the same year?"
"Mm-hm…" James nodded. "Only mum is… seventeen days and nine hours older, I believe." He chuckled. "She loves to hold it over his head."
Lily smiled. "I like her already. My parents met in Germany. They ran into each other on a subway--literally. Then they found out they just happened to be staying with the same host family for some sort of college exchange program… weird coincidence. They're muggles, which I'm sure you know."
Both turned to walk down another corridor, smiling. "Mine were quite shocked when I got my Hogwarts letter this year--Head Boy, without being Prefect and whatnot. Mum thought Dumbledore put it in the wrong envelope--that he's cracking. Dad couldn't have been more proud, though."
"I had to pretty much explain it all to my parents," Lily sighed. "Which took the fun out."
"I imagine," James agreed. "But then, they were proud, right?"
"Oh, yes. They always have been. I'm the only witch in the family--that we know of."
James smiled and watched Lily out of the corner of his eye. She was smiling to herself, as though remembering something very happy, a pretty little twinkle in her eye. James sighed at the way the torchlight highlighted parts of her hair, and the dark made others look even more mysterious.
Suddenly, Lily looked up, but James found himself unable to look away, as though held by a spell. She blushed lightly at finding herself under such an intense gaze, but the smile never left her face.
"What?" she laughed quietly. "'S there something on my face?" She started to lift her hand to her cheek, but never made it.
James knew the words were about to tumble from his lips… There wasn't much he could do to stop them, except kissing her--and, however appealing, he knew he shouldn't.
"Lily… y-you're beautiful." he breathed, brushing a curl from her eyes. He moved slowly, afraid of her reaction.
Slowly, the smiled faded away, giving way to a blank face. Closing her eyes briefly, she sighed. "Why… What do you want from me, Potter?"
James froze; he was already back to square one! Merlin!
"What--Lily, I just…"
Her eyes had gone wide and fearful. "We were doing just fine! Why would you… Why…" She swallowed, looking close to tears.
"Lily, I don't mean anything by it--I just looked at you and thought it, so I said it! I'm sorry-- I--" James ran his hand over his hair nervously. He knew most girls loved to hear they were beautiful--Padfoot reminded him about fifteen times a day… But he also knew Lily was not like most girls. "I didn't mean anything much by it…" he said quietly.
Lily took a deep breath and blinked. She shook her head. "Oh. Forget it. It's more to do with Brandon. I'm sorry." She bent her head, heaved a great sigh, then looked up, her eyes overbright. "It's getting late."
James nodded, unable to do much else. He was afraid to do much else, for fear of upsetting her. It was the last thing he wanted…
They turned, and without another word, walked back through the maze of dungeons, up seven floors in silence.
But once the portrait of the Fat Lady was in sight, James winced. He wouldn't let her go away, mad at him.
He'd done it far too many times over the years.
"Lily--"
"Potter--"
James nearly laughed out loud, but he settled with a smile instead. Lily Potter? Hmm. He liked it.
Lily blushed; she seemed to have noticed it as well.
She took a step closer, and James held his breath. Merlin, she was close… Too close.
"I'm sorry about earlier, in the dungeons. I just…" She trailed off, shrugging. Suddenly, she looked away from the wall, and their eyes met. "Brandon, it really hurt what he did, and the things he said. And it just reminded me…" She trailed off once more, tugging nervously with a button on her uniform.
Her gaze still met his, in the longest, most intense look the two had ever shared… probably the reason she found herself at a loss for words.
James found his throat was stuck. He couldn't talk or move; he longed to kiss her but knew she wouldn't forgive him for that.
So he stared, unable to do anything else.
Until Lily shocked him by taking another step closer… She closed her eyes…
James still hadn't moved. Was she…?
He closed his eyes just as Lily brought her lips to meet his.
Within moments, he knew he'd never kiss a girl quite like this. It was sweet and innocent… And yet… It was passionate and natural…
It was perfect.
Gently, James brought his hands to her waist, as her arms slowly would their way around his neck.
Merlin.
Without warning, the portrait hole opened with a loud creak, causing the couple to jump and break apart.
There was a moment of laughing, then silence. "Oi! Prongs, mate! We were wondering where you got off to! We were just coming to look after you, then go out to the--" Sirius stopped, only after a sharp jab in the ribs from Remus. He scowled. "What was that f-- Oh. Hello, Lily." He smiled brightly.
Peter peered out from behind his two friends. "Remus and I tried to stop him." He frowned at Sirius, who still grinned broadly.
"Ready to ah… hit the library, Prongs?" Sirius winked.
James ignored him. He was staring at Lily, who blinked for a moment at the Marauders, then up at James.
"Lily--"
"Don't!"
She left him standing in the corridor, next to his bewildered best mates, one hand outstretched, mouth open wide, eyes fearful. In his mind, he could still see the pale, shaking, wide-eyed, sobbing Lily before him.
"Damn it!"
James threw his hands to his hair, pulling at it anxiously. What the hell had just happened? He backed into the wall and slid to the floor.
"Prongs?" Peter whispered.
"What just--"
"Did…"
James leaned his head against the wall, laughing slowly. "I've gone mad."
"That was long ago, mate." Remus admitted.
James chuckled.
"Did you two…"
"Have some sort of-- of-- corridor breakthrough?" Sirius wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
"She ran away, Padfoot. It doesn't matter." James sighed, his head back in his hands.
There were various sounds of excitement from his friends.
"You kissed?"
"You snogged her senseless, didn't you?"
"Well, Merlin, Moony, judging by appearances, I'd say they did!" Sirius laughed loudly, but stopped at the sight of his friend. He cleared his throat.
"What's that mean?"
Remus snorted. "Well. Considering the fact that you both looked guilty as Sirius in Dumbledore's office, her hair was disheveled, her lips…" he blinked.
"Looked like they'd just been in for the best snog of her life!" Sirius cackled. "So, how was it? And I play off the guilt very nicely, thank you… Old Dumbles never suspects a thing."
James smiled slowly, then sighed. "Well… we were just talking, and she kissed me--" Peter jumped in shock, Remus went wide-eyed, and Sirius laughed in excitement, "and after I got over that shock, it was…" He sighed, a grin creeping up. "Merlin."
"But she did run away."
Sirius looked through narrowed eyes at Remus, as James slid down the wall, to the floor. "Way to spoil it all."
James's heart was both soaring and breaking in a way he'd never known was possible.
*