Author's note> Thanks for all the reviews! I'm glad you guys are sticking with me. A word to the wise, it will get worse before it gets better, but please hang in there! There will be light at the end of the tunnel. I promise!
Chapter Nineteen
The Space Between
"The space between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The space between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain"
("The Space Between" By The Dave Matthews Band)
It had been nearly a week since it had happened. They'd said that they'd put it behind them and forget that it happened. Harry had tried to keep a safe distance from Ginny, partly because he had no idea what to say to her. He honestly had no explanation for his actions and this stemmed mostly from the fact that he couldn't recall anything save for waking up in his bed the next morning with her.
True to her word, Ginny hadn't mentioned it to anyone. Harry figured that if Ron knew, he'd be beating the door down wanting to pummel his best friend for taking advantage of his little sister. This hadn't happened yet to Harry's great relief.
Harry kept mostly to himself the last few days. He didn't venture out of his room except to go to classes or Quidditch practices. Truth be told, his mind wasn't very much involved in either activity. He'd assigned his nightly patrol duties to prefects. He'd managed to deflect every attempt Ron had made to try and find out what was wrong. Everything around him was falling apart and for the first time in a long time, he felt absolutely powerless to stop it.
As he saw it, he had two options, neither of which held any appeal. His first option would be to tell Hermione the truth straightaway. If he chose this way, he'd certainly lose her and she'd hate him for the rest of his life. There was no way she'd ever be able to forgive him, no matter how he tried to explain it. He wouldn't blame her…he knew that if the situation was reversed, he didn't know if he'd be able to forgive her. The other option was to keep quiet and live with the guilt of what he'd done. Either way he went, he'd suffer. He didn't think he deserved a reprieve. He'd done a horrible, detestable thing. He'd betrayed his girlfriend by taking advantage of his best friend's little sister. No matter what spin he tried to put on it, Harry came out feeling like dirt.
He was dreading Hermione's return. He wanted to see her, of course, but he honestly didn't know how he would face her knowing what he'd done. She'd be returning today. He figured he'd better decide what he was going to do because time was running out. To make matters worse, he had no idea when she'd be arriving. Her letter only said she'd be returning on Friday.
It was with a heavy heart that he awoke that Friday morning. Well, he actually hadn't slept much the night before. He'd had dreams of telling Hermione the truth and watching in anguish as she walked out of his life. He'd tossed and turned most of the night. He'd really given up hope of getting any meaningful, peaceful sleep and arisen out of bed at around six in the morning. He'd taken a quick shower and dressed as quickly as possible.
As he opened the doors to the Great Hall, his stomach lurched as he caught sight of Ron and Ginny sitting at the Gryffindor table. Ron was busy stuffing eggs into his mouth. Ginny sat across from him, reading a book and eating cereal.
Harry was about to turn on his heels and walk out of the Great Hall, but to his dismay Ron looked up and waved enthusiastically at him. One look at Ron's bemused expression told Harry that he couldn't just walk away. He'd have to face Ron and thereby face Ginny as well. He reluctantly walked toward the table.
As he sat down beside Ron, he avoided meeting Ginny's intense gaze.
"Good morning, Harry," Ron said, between bites of breakfast.
"Morning," Harry said quickly. He looked at the platters of sausages, eggs, and bacon before him and felt his appetite slip away. He wasn't hungry at all, now that he thought about it. In fact, he felt rather sick at the mere idea of food.
Ron looked at his friend's ashen face and slumped shoulders.
"You look like shit, Harry," Ron said bluntly.
"Thanks," Harry mumbled in response.
"Well, you do," Ron said, sheepishly. "You alright, mate?"
"Fine," Harry responded, looking away.
"So, there's no reason why you've been walking around like suicide on a stick for a week?" Ron asked. "I mean, I know you miss Hermione, but this is really taking it to the extreme, mate. I mean, she's coming back today, right? You should be ecstatic."
Harry didn't respond.
"She is coming back today, isn't she?" Ron asked. "She had to, Harry. Without her notes, I think I'd flunk out of here. I could just hear my mum right now talking about how I'm the wayward son. Fred and George would be on elevated status compared to me. Hermione can't do this to me, not now. Not when I need her most of all."
Harry gave his friend a half-hearted smile. He knew what Ron was trying to do. It was one of Ron's better qualities. He always tried to bring humor into the situation to lighten the mood and brighten everyone's spirits. Sometimes, he was able to do it, but Harry didn't want his spirits lifted. He wanted to wallow.
"Yeah, she's still coming back today," Harry said, with a weak smile.
"So what's the matter if it's not that?" Ron pressed. "You look like they've just told you that Draco Malfoy is your long-lost brother or something. Though, I think I'd feel the same way if I were you. That isn't the case, is it?"
Ginny looked up at the mention of Malfoy. This wasn't lost on Ron, either. He gave his sister a quizzical look, but Ginny looked back down at her plate. Ron turned his attention back to his friend.
"Don't you want Hermione to come back?" Ron asked.
Harry glared at his friend.
"Of course, I want her to come back!" Harry snapped.
Ron looked taken aback.
"Look, I'm sorry, Ron," Harry said quickly, trying to cover. "I've just got a load on my mind right now."
Ron didn't look the least bit convinced, but nodded anyway.
Harry pushed his plate away and got up from the table.
"I'm not hungry anymore," he said, starting to walk away. "I'll catch up with you later."
The table was silent as Ron and Ginny stared after Harry.
"What's his problem anyway?" Ron asked, more to himself than to anyone else. He looked across the table at his sister, who was gathering up her books and placing them in her bag.
"I don't know, Ron," Ginny said. "I just remembered I needed to get to the library before classes."
She, too, got up from her seat and without even a goodbye, left the room.
Between Harry's moodiness and Ginny's evasiveness, Ron was at an utter loss as to what was going on. He hoped that Hermione's return would bring back a sense of normalcy.
****
Ginny walked hurriedly down the corridor. She was late to meet Madame Pomfrey. Madame Pomfrey had cornered her in the halls the day before telling her that she had to see her immediately. Ginny, who'd been avoiding the woman since her diagnosis, was forced into agreeing to a morning meeting. Madame Pomfrey had been after Ginny to divulge the information to her parents. Each time, Ginny had put her off, but Ginny knew she was running out of time.
Her thoughts were interrupted, however, when she was blindsided by someone who came around the corner just as she did. As she tried to regain her balance, she looked into the cold, icy glare of Draco Malfoy.
"Red," Malfoy said.
"You should watch where you're going," Ginny said, dusting herself off. She started to walk away from him, but he called after her.
"Are you okay, Red?"
"Like you even care," she said, turning around to face him. He stepped closer to her.
"You're wrong," he said, his voice losing its cool, detached tone. "I do care about you, contrary to what you believe."
Ginny laughed.
"If you cared," she began, "you'd have been there for me, offering your support when I told you about the baby, but no, you couldn't do that, could you?"
He didn't respond.
Ginny continued. "You like to think of yourself as this big leader, don't you? But, let me tell you something, Draco, you're nothing but a follower. You followed blindly after your father and now you're toeing the line with your friends. You're so afraid of what people would think if they saw you with a poor Weasley. You wouldn't even know how to follow your heart."
"Ginny," he interjected.
"Don't worry," she said resolutely. "You needn't worry about me. You have no obligation to me, not that I should have ever believed you did."
Malfoy made a move to put his hand on her shoulder, but Ginny stepped back.
"Don't worry," she said coolly. "The baby isn't even yours."
At this, Mafloy's face paled. He grabbed Ginny by the arm forcefully. "What did you just say?"
"You heard me," Ginny said. "I said the baby wasn't even yours. It was someone else's mistake, not yours. Okay? So, there you have it. You're free and clear. You've no obligation to me or my child. Happy now?"
He tightened his grip on her arm. "Who were you with besides me?"
Ginny wrenched herself from his grasp. "It's none of your business."
She walked away from him, then, knowing full well that as she did so, he was watching after her. She felt a wave of triumph wash over her. She never in a million years thought she'd have the courage to stand up to him like that, but she'd done it. She didn't feel any pity for him. He deserved it. He deserved any suffering tenfold because of how he'd treated her. Her days of feeling sorry for him were long gone. She wasn't going to be his puppet anymore. For the first time, in a long time, she felt as if she was finally in control. She was in charge of her own destiny and it felt good.
She hadn't noticed that Luna Lovegood had happened upon the conversation and had heard every word.
***
Sod's Law seemed to be the order of the day for Harry. His day started off bad and proceeded to become progressively worse as the day went on. To begin with, he fell asleep in McGonagall's class. This didn't sit well with the professor at all, as she had kept him after class to lecture him about how falling asleep in classes was not behavior becoming of the school's Head Boy.
Staying after with McGonagall made him late for Snape's class which led to a barrage of sarcastic remarks from Snape. He kept making snide comments about how classes were not scheduled to fit in with The Boy Who Lived's busy schedule. It took every ounce of willpower Harry could muster not to throttle Snape on the spot.
At lunch, Neville accidentally knocked over a pitcher of pumpkin juice onto Harry's lap. Neville's clumsy attempts to magic away the mess only made matters worse. Harry snapped at his friend that he'd clean up the mess himself.
The irony of that statement wasn't lost on Harry. He actually had no idea how to clean up the mess he'd made of his life. He was completely at a loss, both literally and figuratively.
After his last class of the afternoon, he made his way back upstairs to his suite. He didn't feel like joining in with the other Gryffindor boys for the pickup Quidditch game Ron had organized. He'd begged off saying he was going to take a nap, which was true enough. He wanted to take a nap. As he climbed through the portrait hole and then walked through the door to the suite, his mind was on so many other things that he hadn't noticed the trunk and bags that were situated beside the couch.
He'd just about made it to his bedroom door, when he heard another door open and the sweet sound of Hermione's voice calling to him.
"You're just in time," she said sweetly.
He turned around and saw her standing beside her trunk.
Everything melted away as he took her in. She was wearing a pair of blue jeans and a dark blue cardigan. Her hair hung loose down her back and she was beaming back at him, her eyes twinkling. He couldn't help smiling back at her. Oh, how he'd missed her!
"Hermione," he whispered.
"You can help me lug this trunk into my room," she said. "I seem to have misplaced my wand of all things and for all I know, my mum packed it in there."
She pointed to her trunk and gave a soft laugh. She looked over at Harry, expecting him to be laughing, too, but he was silently staring at her.
"Is everything alright?" she asked, stepping closer to him. "Nothing's happened."
"Everything's fine," he finally managed to say. "How's your father."
Hermione smiled. "Getting better everyday. I made him promise me that he'd stick to the diet the nutritionist gave him and that he'd exercise. I also told him that he better not jump back into work and stress out like he used to. He proceeded to tell me that he was the parent and I was the child and that I should remember that. I think he was kidding."
Harry laughed.
She took his hands in hers and looked up at him, her brown eyes shining. "Are you sure everything's okay?"
He looked down at her, not sure of what to do. This was the moment of truth, as it was. As he looked at her, her eyes full of love; he was hit with the undeniable fact that he couldn't bear the thought of her hating him. He didn't know what life would be like without her in it, and he didn't want to find out.
He cupped her face in his hands and softly kissed her.
"That's the kind of homecoming I was expecting," she said softly, resting her forehead on his. "I missed you."
"I missed you," he said, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her close to him.
"I love you," he said suddenly. His voice had a quiet intensity to it. "I hope you know that. I hope you always know that. I love you so much, Hermione. I don't want to lose you, ever."
She stared back at him. "What's brought all of this on? Harry, I know when you're not telling me everything. You can tell me whatever's on your mind and I'll try and help you through it."
"There's nothing wrong," he said, looking down at her again. "I have you back. How could anything possibly be wrong? I just didn't know how much I missed you until I saw you standing here."
"Really?" she asked, still somewhat unconvinced.
"Yes, really," he leaned in and kissed her again.
"You do realize that you couldn't lose me if you tried," she said, pulling away from him, but still holding his hand. "You're stuck with me, whether you like it or not. I love you, Harry. Nothing will ever change that."
If she knew his secret, Harry knew that would change everything.
"So, are you going to help me with my trunk?" she asked, walking back over to it.
He smiled at her and nodded.
"Hermione?" he asked her.
"Yes?" she said.
"Let's stay up here tonight and not go downstairs for dinner," he said. "I don't want to share you with anyone tonight."
She smiled coyly at him. "Whatever would we do up here all by ourselves?"
"I have no idea," he said. "I was thinking you could unpack."
"That's all you had in mind?" she asked, looking affronted, or at least trying to.
"Yeah," Harry said. "I know how you like to have things neat and in place. You wouldn't be able to go to sleep tonight if your trunk wasn't unpacked."
"Well, that's true," Hermione said. "But I honestly hadn't planned on much sleep tonight."
"You hadn't?" he asked her.
"No," she said. "I have to catch up on all that reading I missed."
"Oh," Harry said, now it was his turn to look affronted.
"And I should probably spend some quality time with my boyfriend," Hermione said, her eyes twinkling. "I think he missed me while I was gone."
Harry smiled at her, trying to bury the guilt he felt at keeping the secret from her.
"He did," Harry said quietly. "He missed you very much."